It's hard to accept that this person who adored me just doesn't anymore

[CharlieRose30]

I’m still really struggling with this feeling of unfinished business. I think it may be part of me resisting accepting the reality of what has happened but even still. It’s hard and painful  to accept that this person who truly had me believing how much he adored me just doesn’t anymore. And he’s ok with that, in fact he is happier now without me. This ruminating is exhausting.

I’m also blaming myself again, and remembering and believing all the negative stuff he used to say about me. In  my head I know it’s just words he used to manipulate me but when you hear something for long enough it starts to become a part of you.

And to top it off, despite all this, I miss him like crazy. Help!

[once removed]

hi CR30,

i can relate to a lot of what you describe here. i watched my exes relationship play out on social media, and it would send me into a tailspin every time, with feelings that she had just up and moved on unphased.

i think the fact is we dont really know one way or the other how our partner is doing, what theyre thinking... .especially in the thick of it like this, when we cant tell up from down. we tend to tell ourselves the most painful version our minds can conjure up.

are you watching on social media?

[CharlieRose30]

Hi OR,

Funny you should ask that. Yes, yesterday he put up some photos of him on a holiday he just went on with his friends. So that is probably the cause of me feeling like I am. Here he is (seemingly) having a blast while I am miserable and heartbroken. And it feels like he’s posting things to get at me, and rub in my face how much better off he is without me. It messes with my head.

[once removed]

wouldnt it help not to look? you dont wanta see that stuff.

[Sweetpea18]

Hi CR30,  I know how hard it is, I am experiencing the same thing as you, and the ruminating, wondering, assuming is hard not to do.  My ex was dating rather quickly, and made it known that she was, and didn't ever pass up an opportunity to enlighten me on how wonderful new guy is, and how he is and does everything that I couldn't or didn't.  Our thoughts are much more powerful than there attacks, and I can honestly tell you, in the beginning, I thought the pain and anxiety and anguish would never go away... .but it does... .it dissipates slowly, and every day away gets easier and better.  Now there are times when I ruminate, take two steps back, think about the "what if's", wonder what she is doing with him and all of it.  However, the length of time I do it lessons, the pit in my stomach that felt like a rock, is almost not there any more, and when it does come into play, it goes away faster, doesn't linger as long... .now I have done things to help with that.  We are not friends in any social media platform, I'm not friends with any of her friends, and that is by design.  I don't want to see it, nor do I want her to know what I'm doing.  Unfortunately, we co parent a child, so seeing her is a must on the rare occasion, but if not for that, I would absolutely avoid her for as long as it takes to not get a sympathetic nervous system response in the way that causes emotional pain that your experiencing.  I know everyone is different, and trust me when I tell you, many of us in life and on this forum are experiencing or have experienced what your going through.  Nobody, can understand the power of a trauma bond unless you have lived it.  This is why, many of us consider ourselves and each other "survivors"... .and that's what you are and will be, it's hard to see right now, and it will take work and effort and a willingness to not fold to the pain (Gosh, I wanted to fold so many times, and I could have, she charmed me for months, and still does to this day, despite being "the happiest I have been in a long time" but for me, I knew nothing has or would changed.  She is untreated and unwilling to work on herself and that is a recipe for failure, despite how hard and much I tried and wanted it).  You're not alone, you're not crazy, and even if you go back, you're not a failure.  There is no right or wrong answer for this situation and experience.  Go easy on you, and that will be a good first step... .

[Mutt]

Hi CharlieRose,

That love and hate dynamic from a pwBPD can make you feel like your stomach is in knots especially if the pwBPD is shifting rapidly through different emotional states.

What do you mean by unfinished business? Can you explain?

[CharlieRose30]

By unfinished business I mean lack of any closure, lack of any real reason for the break up (at least from where I’m sitting). The continuous questions on my part, I’m still searching for answers or logical reasons for why this happened.  Literally one day telling me he loves me and then the next breaking up with me. I feel like I’m waiting for something to happen but I don’t know what. Does that make any sense?

I do know I need to stop looking at his social media/block him. I’m just not quite there yet.

[once removed]

I feel like I’m waiting for something to happen but I don’t know what. Does that make any sense?

sure. i felt that way. its very hard, in that state, for life to return to a state of normalcy. it will get there. theres a lot of shock, and that can leave your body in a sort of state of limbo and anticipation.

The continuous questions on my part, I’m still searching for answers or logical reasons for why this happened.

i suspect that eventually, you will find answers to your questions, and a narrative of "what happened" that satisfies you. it may not seem like it now. it took me a while to get there myself. in fact, my narrative would change and evolve many times over a couple of years.

are there particular questions youre struggling with that we can help with?

[Mutt]

I agree with once removed that it takes time to give yourself closure if it’s sonething that you’re working it’s also not easy.

I’d like to echo once removed are there specific scenarios that play out in your mind?  It helps to talk.

[Jillery]

CR30 I feel your pain and am going through almost the exact same thing.  Posting here will help immensely so do it often.  Also, please consider seeing a therapist.  This is truly tough stuff, unlike any pain I’ve felt before. 

I’m still really struggling with this feeling of unfinished business.

.
Me too.

Sweetpea18, thank you for so eloquently expressing what I’m feeling. 

Nobody, can understand the power of a trauma bond unless you have lived it.

. I just googled “trauma bonding” and holy hell.  Dead on.  

[CharlieRose30]

Thanks for all the responses guys.

The aspect of my situation that keeps getting me stuck are the actual circumstances of the break up. We both relocated to his home city and the break up occurred a few weeks later. We had planned this move for over a year, meticulously. When he broke up with me there was no talking about it, his mind was made up and there was no room for compromise/working things out from him.

In retrospect I can see that the devaluing began prior to us breaking up, as it usually does. The unfinished business aspect comes from him not even giving this a chance, after all the work it took to get there. . Was this break up due to engulfment? Or something else? It doesn’t make sense for him to throw it all away when we had FINALLY got to where we wanted to be. It feels like such a waste, such a terrible shame.

[once removed]

In retrospect I can see that the devaluing began prior to us breaking up

in what ways?

[Mutt]

We both relocated to his home city and the break up occurred a few weeks later. We had planned this move for over a year, meticulously. When he broke up with me there was no talking about it, his mind was made up and there was no room for compromise/working things out from him

Im sorry that you went through that, that’s a horrible experience if you were planning this for a year. It would hurt like hell if the other person inexplicably shuts off emotionally and you can’t plead with them.

[CharlieRose30]

in what ways?

Really erratic behaviour. Raging and angry outbursts at seemingly minor things (punching things), stonewalling me, silent treatment for hours on end, passive aggressive behaviour (I’d walk into a room and he would roll his eyes, try to talk to him and he’d tell me “shut up, you’re annoying me”), threatening suicide once when I tried to speak to him, then later  apologising and telling me he couldn’t live without me. Generally  blaming me for his unhappiness/anger. The list goes on.

This was interspersed with incredibly lovely moments however, which is where my confusion comes in. At the time I put his behaviour down to stress of moving plus he was battling depression and new medication.

[once removed]

This was interspersed with incredibly lovely moments however, which is where my confusion comes in.

in my experience, as the pain subsides, your psyche will continue to try to piece things together. it will make room for other memories, perhaps things youd forgotten, perhaps things that were too painful to process, all sorts of things. things will become clearer.

a lot was probably boiling under the surface. this is often true in general; when a relationship is headed toward a breakup, both parties arent necessarily on the same page. this can be even more true when one partner has BPD traits, doesnt necessarily communicate these things clearly, may rapidly shift back and forth. ill give you an example, and ill try to keep it brief.

my ex seemingly broke up with me out of nowhere. within a week, the new partner surfaced, and it was clear that this had been in the works for a while; they were official very quickly after that. only days before that, we spent a great weekend together, during which she told me she felt like shed fallen in love with me all over again, just before going really cold and distant on me.

sounds pretty BPDish, right? eventually i would realize there was a great deal more to it. for starters, before we broke up, we spent a couple of months apart. things had gotten increasingly heated between us, were getting worse, and she crossed a line with some things she said that i couldnt really recover from. i stopped responding to her for a while. emotionally, i abandoned the relationship, but couldnt quite pull the trigger. neither could she, so she did what made sense at the time, and looked elsewhere. and elsewhere started to look increasingly appealing. our relationship had been dying for a long time, probably a year. there were other things that had happened that she resented me for and couldnt really get over. wed each threatened breakups many times and said things that damaged the relationship. it was really at the point of no return. i did decide that i wanted to reinvest in the relationship and save it, and thats what our weekend together was about. i think though, that while "elsewhere" started to look increasingly appealing, she also to a large extent grieved the relationship. she clearly had second thoughts... .the person doing the breakup often does. but i think it became clearer to her that there really wasnt any going back. at the time, i felt completely blindsided, couldnt make sense of what had happened, to the point that i pondered if the weather change had something to do with it. family and friends, very gently tried to hint to me some of the things i described above. when they would, it would send me into a tailspin, it wasnt something i could face at the time. eventually though, as the pain subsided, i put other pieces of the puzzle together (found out some things, like she was flirting with others, and was hiding our relationship, and i also discovered she hadnt moved on to the extent she appeared to have) and things started to add up.

your situation is obviously not mine. my point is that eventually, things will make sense, and theyll make sense in a way you can be at peace with. its kind of like a movie like the sixth sense. youre absolutely flabbergasted at the ending and wonder how you didnt see it coming. you replay it in your head searching for clues. you rewatch the movie, maybe you rewatch it a hundred times, each time discovering a little more of what you missed. eventually you have a complete picture.

as you feel up to it, i think it would help to open a new thread, and share a more complete story of your entire relationship, and the timeline. we can help you work some of it out.

[CharlieRose30]

Hi OR,

Thank you for your response.  Your story sounds painful and hard and I’m sorry you had to go through that.  I hear what you’re saying  in terms of things becoming clearer as time goes on. I imagine in time I will gain some peace regarding what has happened, or at least I hope so. Do you feel at peace with your situation now?

I struggle with the idea of people grieving while in the relationship. I think because I’ve never ended a long term relationship myself the concept is foreign to me. This could make sense in my situation, when I look at it honestly. My ex’s behaviour/mood has been up and down for a lot of our relationship so I can imagine it would be easy for me to miss it.

I was also so overly eager to make make him happy/calm his mood at any given time that my own perceptions were skewed, especially towards the end. I’m starting to think I enabled his behaviour by not having strong boundaries in place and putting his needs above my own. I feel like I lost myself in the relationship a little bit. Does that make sense?

[crushedagain]

Hi, CR30.

I'm sorry you're struggling. I just want you to know that I can relate as I was left with no closure and there was never a reason why she just did an about face on the entire relationship and disappeared. We never even had a fight. It's like she just pulled the plug.

I think the engulfment is a big part of it, which is so odd because of how bad they fear abandonment. When I was making some changes in my life with her in mind, setting things up for the long term, I noticed she would start putting some distance between us. The push/pull was constant with her. If I retreated, she was literally grabbing me. It's like there could never be a happy medium. Even the most innocuous things could send her into a panic, fearing she was losing me. I always reassured her "I love you, those feelings don't change regardless of anything that happens on a daily basis." It's like she never "got" that, no matter how much I reassured her, in her mind there was no permanence to anything.

I don't do social media and so have no way of tracking her online, but I would not want to. I was far too weak in the beginning, and now I just wouldn't want to see who she's with. If I had to guess I'd bet she went back to an ex. That's her pattern - recycling. It is a painful thought, so I really don't want to know.

I don't have a lot to offer other than my own experience. It has been over a year but I still hurt. I really did love her a lot, and it's left me questioning whether I ever want to give my heart to another.

Time will help you as it helped me. In the beginning I was so wracked by anxiety and insomnia I didn't think I would make it through, it seemed my body might just fail. It was that bad. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a terror, jump out of bed and grab the wall as I tried to catch my breath, with my heart racing. It was scary. It is disturbing to me that the body and mind can act that way from a loss such as this.

[once removed]

Do you feel at peace with your situation now?

definitely CR30, it will be eight years ago a month from now. its ancient history, though i can say i continue to learn lessons from it.

I struggle with the idea of people grieving while in the relationship. I think because I’ve never ended a long term relationship myself the concept is foreign to me.

that makes a lot of sense. i havent ever ended a relationship either, so the same might apply to me. one thing ive realized is (and this is partly why) it is always harder on the person on the receiving end. the person doing the breaking up has prepared on some level. the person on the receiving end feels blindsided. i used to hang onto the words said, the sentiments expressed, the promises of a future, and wonder how that could change, and at the time it seems like my conclusion was always that there was something wrong with me, that id done something wrong, that id failed in some way. the truth is, once we mourn and grieve a relationship, those things change for us too.

This could make sense in my situation, when I look at it honestly. My ex’s behaviour/mood has been up and down for a lot of our relationship so I can imagine it would be easy for me to miss it.

with BPD traits, it can certainly be a more erratic, back and forth process. while some doubts or second thoughts or confusion can be common in any relationship, it can look a lot more extreme, more frequent. conversely, jumping into a new relationship is also a coping mechanism for avoiding a lot of that grieving process.

I was also so overly eager to make make him happy/calm his mood at any given time that my own perceptions were skewed, especially towards the end. I’m starting to think I enabled his behaviour by not having strong boundaries in place and putting his needs above my own. I feel like I lost myself in the relationship a little bit. Does that make sense?

it does. i think a lot of us can relate   . what are some examples?