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Author Topic: Which Was Your Real Ex?  (Read 372 times)
Turkish
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« on: January 14, 2019, 10:47:48 PM »

We talk about BPD, undeveloped Self,  and Differentiation, in addition to BPD Behaviors. A lot of us have read Understanding The Borderline mother,  and found it validating.  

We've also discussed Jekyll/Hyde and how most of our exes can be different behind closed doors.  We've concluded that Hyde is the "real" personality, and that only if outsiders could see the "real" personality of our exes. Assuredly, these feelings are validating to us.  

Momentary intent on the other side aside,  both personalities are real indications of who that person is.  I struggled with reconciling different manifestations of her personality,  my trouble fathoming this given I'm not like that.  However,  this is who The Other is.  My ex can seem like a different person,  but she's really the same person,  just manifesting different behaviors given the situation.  It's who she is and how she travels though life. Jekyll may be nicer and Hyde not so much,  but she is both.  

Accepting that she is who she is,  rather than whom I fantasize whom I want her to be,  helps me to accept her for who she is rather than whom I want her to be.  
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« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2019, 11:14:45 PM »

Turkish, that’s a great way to see it, it personally takes away the weight of the good and bad.
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« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2019, 12:52:52 PM »

Nice insight, Turkish.  I'm with Sandb2015, that it sounds helpful and balanced.

Is this a new one for you, or something you've been noodling around with for awhile? 
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« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2019, 09:53:14 PM »

It may have been in the back of my brain but I was thinking it through yesterday for whatever reason. 

Maybe ive been thinking of things more given that the kids told me a few days ago that they all celebrated her birthday with her H from which she's still physically seperated.  They tell me they at him sometimes,  but not often.  I wonder if he,  as I did for a while,  thinks he can be enough to reconcile things on his side enough to move forward.  I'm not losing sleep over such things though,  even if I'm concerned for what is shown to the kids. 
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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2019, 04:38:01 AM »

Very good question - someone you know and love seems to turn into a different person. Which one is the real one? I had to grapple with this too in trying to make sense of what happened.



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« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2019, 09:25:11 AM »

I have made the personal mistake of painting my love in such a way that I see her as two people.  On one hand, I treated her as a monster when she became one and she actually saw herself as one and went into a deep and dark place filled with shame and couldn't express it so I could accept/forgive properly, she went to a place that she couldn't even allow self forgiveness.

On the other hand when I have seen the "two" as just that, I allowed myself to be "two" as well.

We can see it as the one we love has a disease and not this second persona and/or treat them and see them the same with consistency even though they aren't.

Just my perspective/opinion, I'm not qualified, but I am allowed to dig deeper into myself and my own thoughts whether right or wrong.  I don't feel I'm on the wrong path with my situation only.
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« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2019, 09:33:07 AM »

My exH whom I was married to for 24 years would be a totally different person behind closed doors.  It took me almost 3/4 of the marriage to catch onto this difference of behavior.  I don't think this way so why would I recognize this type behavior?  He only showed affection when we were at family or friend functions.  I attributed this to him being less distracted and relaxed but I now can see it was all about "the show".  Put on this front that he was such a nice guy.  Behind closed doors he was a very unhappy man.  I wasn't allowed to get angry because if I did he would punish me for weeks withholding his love. (covert emotional abuse)  I always said to myself I can tell what his mood was, not by what he does but by what he doesn't do.  He manipulated me for the first years of our marriage but giving me the silent treatment until I absolutely had enough and called the cops to see if I could just have him removed from the house.  That choice later would haunt me as I would get that thrown up in my face as he would accuse me of calling the cops on him when in reality I was desperate and just needed to feel safe.  It did help somewhat with the silent treatment but after that he would do it in even more subtle ways by withholding love.  Really messed with my head.  I am still sorting all this damage out in my head now.  He would criticize me in what I used to call a "back door" way.  He would say something critical in such a covert way I would often wonder if that was a slam but it was done so sneakily that I would have this uneasy feeling after.  It was like the comment would go to my subconscious but not really surface until years later.  I don't know that makes sense to anyone else or if they experience anything like that before.  This is the crap I'm working through now.  I would like to go to a T as soon as get more $ saved up in my HSA account.  

He didn't have a defined self.  If I liked yoga, he would start doing yoga.  If I started taking vitamins so would he.  He always said he didn't like the color red but during the divorce when we still lived together (ouch) he came home wearing a red sweater that his new gf bought him.  I was thinking wow what have you become?  Chameleon like behavior.  

So, I am wondering now if he is upwBPD?  From what I have read here there can be many combinations of these traits manifesting in different ways.  Is it possible that he internalized his emotions and the soothing relief was to punish me by withholding affection and attention?  He also struggled with drinking.  

During the divorce I got in touch with his ex wife (yes I did that) and had a revealing talk with her.  I found out the reason they divorced was because he put his fist through the bathroom wall and drank hard liquor frequently.  The story he told me was the reason they got a divorce was because she just didn't want to married anymore.  He told me the counselor said to him that there was nothing wrong with him and that it's all her issues.  Sadly, I bought that story until I started coming out of the fog on day and thought about it.  I highly doubt a counselor would say that.  Usually, both partners contribute to problems in the relationship.  

About 3/4 of way through our marriage he started having affairs.  He was very protective of where his phone was at all times.  I think about it now and know why.  He would start dropping odd hints during our conversations about how he dated really nice girls back in the day.  Finally, he left me for another woman.  3 mos after I moved out she moved in.  I wonder how long before the mask comes off with her.  Anyway, she can have him.  

This new information however, makes me wonder if I was married to an upwBPD all these years and never knew it but possibly internalized emotions instead of externalizing emotions like my last bf did.  

I have 2 children with my exH, D24 and a S26.  My D24 buys her father's stories but my S26 can see through them.  My exH was physically abused by his mother when he was a little boy.  Last weekend my S26 said to me "I don't even know who my father is because he doesn't let anyone know.  I told him that I didn't think his mother did him any favors when he was growing up.  They are in their 90's now living together in an apartment for Senior living and my S26's grandmother is abusing my S26's grandfather.  They are going to separate them finally!   I am gald my S26 is comfortable sharing his thoughts with me.  

Crazy this awareness.  But honestly, it makes me skeptical of any future partners.  I know not everybody puts on false masks and I am starting to see through them but I hope I don't get duped again.  I'm getting too old for this crap.

Thanks for listening.

Tsultan
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MeandThee29
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« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2019, 07:40:42 PM »

My exH whom I was married to for 24 years would be a totally different person behind closed doors.  It took me almost 3/4 of the marriage to catch onto this difference of behavior.  

Crazy this awareness.  But honestly, it makes me skeptical of any future partners.  I know not everybody puts on false masks and I am starting to see through them but I hope I don't get duped again.  I'm getting too old for this crap.

Very similar story of long-term turmoil. It began really wearing on me that he was admired in our social circles but at home he'd talk divorce, financial ruin, and how I'd drive him into the arms of another woman. How I was responsible for his happiness, and because he was unhappy, I was a failure as a wife.

I'm too old for all of it too. Honestly, I like being single. Less drama.
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JNChell
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« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2019, 09:18:06 PM »

This is a thought provoking topic. Since the final break, I have been looking at her as two different people. The one I met, and the one at the demise. I also think that this thinking has allowed me to value/devalue as my feelings see fit. Black and white thinking. This is a good topic, Turkish.

S4’s mom extorted a vehicle from me. It was a breakup and I told her that I expected my vehicle to be in my driveway when I arrived home from work. She told me that if I didn’t give her the vehicle that I would no longer be seeing my son. I was in a very poor emotional state and caved. I signed the title over the next day. We eventually got back together.

I wonder if my demand for her to turn the vehicle over triggered intense fear in her. From what I’ve learned so far, I think it’s a possibility. No vehicle = helplessness. Maybe she couldn’t see any way out of that. Instead of reacting/saying in a way that said “I really need the vehicle right now. Can we work something out?”, she went for the jugular.

I think that she feels good and bad. I think that she reacts to her feelings. She’s not two people. There are other things in between that statement, but she is an individual with a range of emotions.
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« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2019, 09:42:07 PM »

MeandThee29,  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Yes!  There were inferences that I was to blame for the reason he was unhappy.
Happiness is an inside job. I know this. He did not.  I am not to blame for his unhappiness.  He will never get lasting happiness by trying to achieve it through other people.  It does not work that way.  

He posted pics on fb of his new gf shortly after we divorced showing how happy he was now.  Well, if she has the ability to fill that bottomless pit with love then more power to her.  

I just wanted my family to be together.  When I said those vows I meant them with every cell of my body.  

He told me twice during our marriage that he wanted a divorce.  The last 3 years of our marriage I tried extra hard to give him what he wanted to make him happy.  He wrote down a list of "wrongs" that I do.  My T told me to be fair I could only work on a few things at a time.  So that's what I did.   Some things that were on the list: "I don't dust the tops of the door molding, I don't brush the cat every day, I didn't decorate the bathroom fast enough, I don't deep clean enough, I wasn't affectionate (how can I be affectionate when he was always mad at me?  Really?  He was just looking for excuses so he could exit the marriage I think.  The second time he said he wanted a divorce on June 24th, I agreed.  I gave it all I had.  I did not have anything left.  At least I knew I gave everything I could.  My lawyer said wait until the summer is over to go through the divorce process.  That way I could enjoy my summer.  I went to the lawyer at the beginning of September.  I often wonder if he would have actually gone to see a lawyer but anyway when I went to the lawyer he says to me "I am surprised you went to the lawyer".  I thought,  that's and odd statement.  Why wouldn't I go? 

You are right there is less drama being single but I will be open if the right man comes along. I am a hopeless romantic.

Easy does it.

T



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Turkish
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« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2019, 09:25:03 PM »

I think that she feels good and bad. I think that she reacts to her feelings. She’s not two people. There are other things in between that statement, but she is an individual with a range of emotions.

We all do that but a person with traits of BPD swings to more extremes.  I think a lot of us struggle with preferring the nicer more stable aspects than the opposite.  That this is more preferable goes without saying.  Of course it is. 

The whole Marilyn Monroe meme,  " if you can't handle me at my worst,  you don't deserve me at my best" drives me nuts.  However, I think that if "nons" didn't focus so much on what made us feel good but instead stepped back to comprehend the whole person (as confusing as it is), we might be a little more at peace with ourselves. 

Last night I went to a function at the kids' school with my ex.  Other than one over-mothering comment about one of the kids,  I found her enjoyable.  This is the same person who cried and threw things in my house and battered her husband, not a different person.

On my side,  I'm the same person who when she first left couldn't stand to be in the same room with her and was very hurt and angry.  I don't feel fake,  or like I'm someone else, feeling either way. 
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« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2019, 07:18:58 AM »

That meme doesn’t sit well with me either. I’ll save my comments about extremist politics for a proper platform, but I’m with you here. It’s a terrible message that is unfortunately being ate up by many and is contributing to the drastic rise of narcissism in society.

Ok, back on point. Turkish, as I became familiar with this community, your journey has really intrigued me when it comes to sharing children with an abusive ex. I often ask myself “how does he do it?”. I really don’t ever see myself getting to that level. I know that you do it for your kids. I sometimes feel like I’m coming up short in not being able to do that for S4. He’s been talking about his mom and I being together again this weekend and it’s been pulling at my heartstrings. It has me thinking about all of the things I should’ve done differently for the sake of our little family. How I could’ve eliminated the fact that he has to be woken up at 5 a.m. the first and third Monday and every Wednesday of each month just to be taken outside into the cold to be strapped into his car seat and hauled off to his grandma who does the same and hauls him off to daycare.

He’s begun biting his nails. His right index finger is chewed raw below his cuticle. I was a nail biter as a kid. I’m worried about him. I’ve gotten really off track with regards to the spirit of this thread. I think that I’ll start my own on this.

I’d like to eventually get to where you are in being able to spend time with your children and your ex together for the sake of our Son, but I’m not sure that that is a possibility. Too much is unresolved between his mom and I. Stuff that really hurts. I’m open to resolution. She isn’t. You know, this has me thinking about Jeffree and Speck. Those guys are taking care of kids that aren’t biologicaly theirs. I can’t help but ask myself “why can’t I just set all of the  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) aside and do these things for S4?”. I wonder if the answer to that is because I’m still attached in an unhealthy way to his mother and that is why I’m scared to be around her. Maybe I’m afraid that she will batter my self esteem more than she already has. If that’s the case, it shows that I’m still weak. I don’t want my Son to see his father as a weak person.
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« Reply #12 on: January 25, 2019, 01:27:32 PM »

Very insightful, but it also made me realise that I am having a hard time remembering the sweeter side to my exBPDbf. Towards the end of our contact, I only saw the mean, manipulating, vindictive person in him.

I remember in the movie that Dr Jekyll after a while couldn't keep Mr Hyde out, and that the periods with Mr Hyde became increasingly more frequent. That is/was definitely the case with my ex.
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