Overwhelming anger

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hopefully, I am posting this in the right for him. I am currently feeling an overwhelming amount of anger and resentment... .Something I have not encountered before... .Not even during previous discards. I know what finally triggered this overwhelming anger and resentment I feel... .I thought I had blocked my wife in every possible way, including Facebook. But, I apparently had blocked the wrong person with the same name. Because my wife's profile picture popped up in my suggested friends list. And her profile picture was from last weekend, at a local event with a friend from work whom she previously told me she didn't want anything to do with this person, a woman, because she was a barfly and alcoholic. Yes, I immediately blocked her. But, the incident triggered all of this anger and resentment. It's like all of the pent-up anger and resentment from the past 12 years... ./ abuse that was never called for... .Abuse she has never in any way taking any responsibility for either directly with me or in her own healing. She is still in denial. And she is creating her new reality and putting it out there for everyone to see so that they think she's got her stuff together. When in reality, her life is one long emotional trauma for her, basically a boiling cauldron of crap underneath the facade she puts forth to everyone around her. Only I and her family know. And, of course my family because they've witnessed the hell she has put me through for the past 12 years. And now she's creating her alternate reality and living in denial still. I'm no longer in denial about my own issues. Allowed me to put up with heard abuse for so long. However, I cannot afford at this time any counseling help. Although, I want it. I have never before felt this level of overwhelming anger and resentment toward her... .Not even during prior discards. What has made me finally decide to detach has now come boiling to the surface. And I think it's happening now because I understand her behavior oh, but I do not accept that it excuses such mental emotional trauma and abuse to anyone around her. I understand what triggered it... .Seeing her profile picture from last weekend... .I have blocked her. I understand what she's doing because I understand her disorder and how she behaves. And I also understand that what I saw was nothing more then another facade. This person that she was with, her female friend from work, doesn't realize that my wife has spoken ill of her. And... .Knowing that I could potentially be looking at her Facebook page, which I wasn't because I truly am done, and I'm not involving myself in reminders... .She purposely has left her Facebook page unblocked from me, even though she started me again so that I would somehow think that her life is hunky-dory now. I know better. So I realize that the trigger of seeing her photo isn't real, not even for her or her friend, the alcoholic Barfly as my wife called her. My mind is wrapped around that. I understand that her life is still miserable oh, so her picture didn't fool me. But it did trigger all of the pent-up anger and resentment because I now see with my own eyes that she is in denial and is creating an alternate reality for herself so that she doesn't have to deal with her own issues. But the overwhelming anger and resentment I feel... .It truly is overwhelming. To the point where, since last night when I accidentally saw her profile picture, I have been walking around my house, cursing her out loud. And just so you know, I have no desire to do anything to her. No vindictive axe nothing. But, I will tell you that my thoughts, which will not lead to any action, have been extremely hurtful toward her and negative toward her. To the point where I wish her pain. But I know that she is in extreme pain inside of her. Otherwise, she would not do the things that she does... .It's sick. She is sick. What I mean by that is, she is disordered and so stock in her pattern and her disorder that she can't see the forest from the trees. She still deluding herself. Ultimate reason for posting this is to find out if anyone else has experienced such an overwhelming Rush, all of a sudden, of all the pent-up resentment and anger toward their ex once they decided to finally detach and leave there BPD significant other behind. And, how did you deal with it? Because I've been walking around my house all day cursing her.

[PianoDood]

Hopefully, I am posting this in the right for him. I am currently feeling an overwhelming amount of anger and resentment... .Something I have not encountered before... .Not even during previous discards. I know what finally triggered this overwhelming anger and resentment I feel... .I thought I had blocked my wife in every possible way, including Facebook. But, I apparently had blocked the wrong person with the same name. Because my wife's profile picture popped up in my suggested friends list. And her profile picture was from last weekend, at a local event with a friend from work whom she previously told me she didn't want anything to do with this person, a woman, because she was a barfly and alcoholic. Yes, I immediately blocked her. But, the incident triggered all of this anger and resentment. It's like all of the pent-up anger and resentment from the past 12 years... ./ abuse that was never called for... .Abuse she has never in any way taking any responsibility for either directly with me or in her own healing. She is still in denial. And she is creating her new reality and putting it out there for everyone to see so that they think she's got her stuff together. When in reality, her life is one long emotional trauma for her, basically a boiling cauldron of crap underneath the facade she puts forth to everyone around her. Only I and her family know. And, of course my family because they've witnessed the hell she has put me through for the past 12 years. And now she's creating her alternate reality and living in denial still. I'm no longer in denial about my own issues. Allowed me to put up with heard abuse for so long. However, I cannot afford at this time any counseling help. Although, I want it. I have never before felt this level of overwhelming anger and resentment toward her... .Not even during prior discards. What has made me finally decide to detach has now come boiling to the surface. And I think it's happening now because I understand her behavior oh, but I do not accept that it excuses such mental emotional trauma and abuse to anyone around her. I understand what triggered it... .Seeing her profile picture from last weekend... .I have blocked her. I understand what she's doing because I understand her disorder and how she behaves. And I also understand that what I saw was nothing more then another facade. This person that she was with, her female friend from work, doesn't realize that my wife has spoken ill of her. And... .Knowing that I could potentially be looking at her Facebook page, which I wasn't because I truly am done, and I'm not involving myself in reminders... .She purposely has left her Facebook page unblocked from me, even though she started me again so that I would somehow think that her life is hunky-dory now. I know better. So I realize that the trigger of seeing her photo isn't real, not even for her or her friend, the alcoholic Barfly as my wife called her. My mind is wrapped around that. I understand that her life is still miserable oh, so her picture didn't fool me. But it did trigger all of the pent-up anger and resentment because I now see with my own eyes that she is in denial and is creating an alternate reality for herself so that she doesn't have to deal with her own issues. But the overwhelming anger and resentment I feel... .It truly is overwhelming. To the point where, since last night when I accidentally saw her profile picture, I have been walking around my house, cursing her out loud. And just so you know, I have no desire to do anything to her. No vindictive axe nothing. But, I will tell you that my thoughts, which will not lead to any action, have been extremely hurtful toward her and negative toward her. To the point where I wish her pain. But I know that she is in extreme pain inside of her. Otherwise, she would not do the things that she does... .It's sick. She is sick. What I mean by that is, she is disordered and so stock in her pattern and her disorder that she can't see the forest from the trees. She still deluding herself. Ultimate reason for posting this is to find out if anyone else has experienced such an overwhelming Rush, all of a sudden, of all the pent-up resentment and anger toward their ex once they decided to finally detach and leave there BPD significant other behind. And, how did you deal with it? Because I've been walking around my house all day cursing her.

[Enabler]

Hey PianoDood,

You sound pretty revved up at the moment, I love a good rant, boxing shadows and letting it all hang out... .I find it pretty therapeutic... .although the people driving down the highway watching me shout at no one in my car must think I'm totally crackers. You're not hurting anyone emotionally vomiting in your own home which is great... .and you're not causing damage to any relationships either, which is great.

Once you've got yourself back together and cooled down you might want to re-read your post and tell us what you think. A couple of things spring to mind... .

- You infer intentions by her change of FB profile picture, something that people do all the time for any reason whatsoever... .how come's you believe it was directed at you with bad intention?
- Why does it matter to you that she is living a lie, would you prefer that she was sad?
- I see inconsistencies in your personal narrative, as if you're not being honest with your true feelings, as though you're telling yourself you don't want X, when in actual fact X is exactly what you want.

You're angry about stuff, and maybe rightly so, that cool. Being honest with ourselves is important for recovery, else to quote yourself "she's (we're) creating her alternate reality and living in denial still".

Enabler

[Cromwell]

If this is some really unsettling anger that sounds like facebook is the trigger but is it unexpressed pent up anger that you might have been carrying for some time?

I got anger spikes here and there but they were not triggered, they just happened sporadically when ruminating. But if it lasted all day, id be trying to find a way to subdue it rather than let it carry on, diazepam or alcohol. then sleep it off and get the bp back to normal.

I never once got angry, or expressed anger, for the entire r/s.

it isnt a pleasant emotion and I struggled with knowing how to manage it but it is documented that it is part of the stages of recovery. So there is a positive side to it. I hope it helped a little to write your feelings down here and express it.

[Mutt]

Hi PianoDood,

I understand that her life is still miserable oh, so her picture didn't fool me. But it did trigger all of the pent-up anger and resentment because I now see with my own eyes that she is in denial and is creating an alternate reality for herself so that she doesn't have to deal with her own issues.

I agree with Enabler your speculating about thre reason why she changed her profile picture she might of just changed it for no reason.  You’re right that a pwBPD wear a mask to display to th outside world but inside is a different story.

There’s a lot of anger in your post and I’m not criticizing you for that that is what this forum is for it’s freedom of expression with being invalidated for having those thoughts. It sounds like you’re really hurt and feeling resentment towards your ex is perfectly natural tell if I’m qrong but the trigger for you is how she doesn’t seem to have missed a beat and you’re knee deep in pain. It’s not fair.

To answer your question I agree with Enabler try to change the tempo by doing something different, personally I’d suggest taking it out in the gym by lifting weights. You deplete these feelings, you feel better and in return you get positive mental and physical immediate and long term results. Hang in there.

[PianoDood]

Yes, absolutely, I feel a lot of anger toward her for the abuse she perpetrated on me, even while I was attempting to love her and be a caretaker for her. All it did was make me a doormat. However, while I appreciate and respect your opinions, I also know how BPD affects the behavior of my spouse far better than anyone else on the planet other than her. My wife has always blocked me on everything every time she has just started. The only time she does not block me or unblocks me on social media is when she wants to indirectly and covertly communicate something to me through her timeline. So, that being said, I understand why you agree with each other and why you had the opinions you do, but I also know my life very well and how her disorder affects her behavior. Far better than anyone except herself. I do believe that my wife understands that she is disordered and that she damages people, but she is not at the place where she has accepted responsibility for her own healing because it's still too painful for her to self-evaluate. And I'm sorry, while I understand that the anger will pass and I need to redirect it into something that is healthy for me, I'm justified in being angry about the way she has treated me. And, I am looking at myself and trying to address the codependent issues Within Myself from my background. However, that does not excuse her behavior toward me. And I stand behind everything I said in my original post.

[PianoDood]

I'm not in denial the abuse she perpetrated, I'm not in denial of my own contribution to the toxic Dance, I'm not in denial that the relationship is over because I don't ever want her close enough to me again to hurt me with her disorder, I'm not in denial of anything in this situation. I'm progressing through the grieving process and what I'm feeling right now is an extremely intense amount of anger toward her that I am not in any way using the addictive lie. It's like a pile of toxic sludge she has left behind for me to clean up. And I'm slowly but surely shoveling it out of my life. While I understand that her behavior is not necessarily directly about me, it's her disorder, it doesn't excuse it. And it doesn't excuse her inability to get help for it when she herself understands she is disordered. And all she has to do is look around her 360 degrees in her life to see the destruction it causes to everyone who gets close to her. I will pass through this phase of anger and be healthier happier for it because I'm trying to do this the right way. Chi, on the other hand, will never seek treatment... .How do I know this? Because nothing has made her hit bottom enough to get the help she needs. Therefore, she will continue to wreak havoc in the lives of everyone who gets close to her. She is poison to my life and she must go. God help the next guy who gets involved with her.

[PianoDood]

Maybe in time I will recover some sense of empathy and compassion for my wife because of her disorder and the pain she must personally be going through because of it. As of right now, that's not possible.  Right now I could care less about her who. I am incredibly resentful and angry for her do

[PianoDood]

And again, I will reiterate. I did not purposely look at her social media account. I thought I had blocked her previously. But apparently, I had blocked someone else with her name. She popped up on my suggested friends list and it sent me into a tailspin. Which is precisely why I had blocked her in order to detach.

[PianoDood]

I take responsibility for my part in caving into this last charm that happened in September. This recycle turned out to be just an escalation in her abuse and disorder, even though, comically, somehow she thinks she's in better control. Threatening the end of our marriage is not trying 2 reconcile, and she believed she was trying to do. She would threaten the end of the relationship whenever I tried to talk to her about anything that two rational normal human beings trying to have a life together with talk about. Just to shut me up. And it took me three months to get to the point where I realized trying to have a connected, bonded, emotionally healthy relationship in my current state and her current state was impossible. When we first started to reconcile in September, she told me she had been going to counseling and she was more stable. It didn't take long to find out that was a lie. All I had to do was ask her the name of her counselor and the number to call so that I could possibly set up couples counseling for us as she had suggested. Suddenly, when I did that, she was no longer interested in couples counseling. And of course, she blamed that on the instability in the relationship. Which made no sense. But, knowing her disorder, it makes sense. She lied to me about going to counseling, she had no therapist, and she was not interested in going to couples counseling. That was just a ruse just ate this... .Until we get counseling, I can't commit to this relationship. It was yet another tool to delight and avoid dealing with her disorder. Because of her disorder. That's the saddest part of BPD. In many cases the disorder itself keeps them from seeking the help they need. Cuz I said, the abuse started almost immediately and the gas lighting, projection, deflection and lack of communication skills, the inability to have empathy for my feelings or what she was doing to me... .It was worse than ever before. She doesn't even realize how broken she is. Or if she does, she's so afraid to self-evaluate that she still refuses to own it.

[PianoDood]

The only reason I ever agreed to attempt at reconciliation this time after 8 months of peace without her in my life was because she said she was more stable and had been in therapy which I found out was a lie. The agreement was that I would do everything I possibly could to work through things together if she openly and honestly talk to me about what was going on with her and we entered counseling together. It became very apparent very quickly that she did not intend in any way to uphold her part of the agreement. So, I basically entered into this last recycle being lied to. So excuse me if I don't have a whole lot of compassion for my wife right now especially with the way that she intensely abused me over the past three months. I take my responsibility for this and have for the past year been healing my codependency. There was some of that in this last recycle still because I am not healed by any means fully, but, I chose to trust her and she lied to me over and over and over. Threaten the end of our relationship, threaten to stop trying to reconcile... .Always keeping me off balance, never giving me any sense of security so that I could bond with her. She's still as sick as ever... .And from what I have experienced with her, she is worse now than ever in her BPD Behavior. She may think she has gained ground because she has somehow learn to control one or two things, which she really hasn't, but, Curry shoes have been manifested in other ways that I never saw before. She is getting worse.

[Mutt]

Hey Pianodood,

Im sorry that she wanted to reconcile under false pretenses I would be pretty choked to find out that she wasn’t going to counselling and blaming that on me. I believe you about her social media you know better than anyone on the board. Lasst’y I wanted to say that I completely understand if you’re not ready to feel compassion you have a right to feel the way that you do. Hang in there.

[gotbushels]

PianoDood  

The only reason I ever agreed to attempt at reconciliation [... .] because she said she was more stable and had been in therapy which I found out was a lie.

Me too, having promises of 'change' and 'getting better' led me back into the relationship. I felt frustrated because I was led to change my expectations and have a hope that wasn't met. It made me very angry.

So, I basically entered into this last recycle being lied to.

Having my peace interrupted by a lie made me feel really indignant. Even infuriated me because I'd invested so much time already into the relationship with that person. Probably most vexing is that she hypocritically held herself out to be truthful. Yes, I get that.

[... .] I chose to trust her and she lied to me over and over and over.

This would really get my goat, and in my situation too--it really did.

How do you deal with the rage? How can you feel compassionate for such a ******?

I felt so furious, similar to what I'm reading from your thread here. So yes, I appreciate this is hard to get through. You can do it. You mentioned practicing getting over your dependence, one way we could do that is to learn to not go with our emotions to continue that anger (thereby drawing people we 'depend' on into our anger), but instead to deal with it in a healthy way.

Anger is a natural and important stage in the grieving process. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. I know for some of us it is harder to feel and express than others (I didn't do well with it  ). [... .] After our self-esteem takes such a massive hit, there is a part of us that rails against the injustice of it all, and rightly so.

I don't think I did well with it either. So I join the others in encouraging you to get through it--you can do this.  

[JNChell]

Hey there, PianoDood. Anger is a hard phase to get through. The betrayals and slights come to the forefront. The hard “why’s” and “how could she do that?” surface.

Resentment was, and still is, a big thing for me. Resentment lingers long after our bodies let go of the anger. Resentment sucks. I’m looking forward to the day that I don’t resent S4’s mom anymore. The thing is, is that she has reasons to resent me as well. Sorry, just trying to keep things in perspective.

I’m sorry PianoDood. Regardless, this simply doesn’t feel good. We know. We can relate.

You’re right. It’s a pile of toxic sludge and it hurts our bodies to have to shovel it away. The other person should be right there with us with shovel in hand. Closure.

Would closure and an apology help you? It would be very meaningful to me, but it will never come.

I’ve worked in sales and I was very good at it until my consciousness outweighed the money. I was manipulating people. That’s not an easy thing to admit or sit with. I have tried to manipulate closure out of S4’s mom. It’s plain as day to me on what I have tried for my own self soothing. I could sell anyone, except her. Quite honestly, I don’t think I would’ve survived the commission.

She will never seek treatment. At least not in a meaningful way. I hear your hurt, dood.

Rationality. This was the biggest trigger for my ex. She couldn’t handle a 1/4 pound of it. She would run and ghost me or rage. She can’t reflect. I mean that. She simply can’t. I’m beginning to accept this.

Do you have any thoughts on your wife being able to take responsibility for herself?