How do I support friend without engulfing him?

[insideoutside]

Hi

New to this board as I am normally on detaching or learning boards.  I got back in contact with my BPD friend NYE to wish him happy new year after 10 months of silence.  He surprised me by wishing me happy new year back and then a couple of days later asking how my Christmas was.  This opened up dialogue between us and it appears he has fallen in to a really bad depression with, reading between the lines, suicidal ideation.  He told me earlier this week that his doctor wanted to have him sectioned as he was so low but managed to talk the doctor out of it.  He feels at his age (50) he is in a bad place and can't see a way out I believe.  

So, whilst wanting to be there for him, and have tried to give words of encouragement and ideas on how to help himself; I don't want to engulf him because I know that happens with him.  How best do I approach this?  I'm obviously worried about his state of mind but I don't want to come across as pushy or him feel he has to respond to me if I reach out and say 'hope today is a better day for you' etc.  How often would you suggest reaching out?  Do I reach out, or do I wait for him to do it if he needs someone to lean on?  If I don't reach out will he feel abandoned?

Asking lots of questions as after nearly being back in contact 4 years we have had many many fall outs as I take what he says the wrong way, or he feels engulfed, etc so trying hard to manage it right this time.

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[Radcliff]

I'm no expert in this, but for me, one of the things that helps me is to accept the limitations of how much I can help in a given situation.  As a friend with tenuous remote contact, I think the best you can do is stay in touch and assure him that you're thinking of him, and believe in him.  Recognize that he may not be able to be there for you in any way; this may be a one-way relationship, or at least more so than you'd hope.  Anything he perceives as a request or demand, even questions, might make him pull away (I'm not saying never ask questions, just be aware of the potential he might not like them, and adjust if you see him pulling away). 

What kinds of things are you saying to him?

RC

[insideoutside]

Thanks for responding RC

So for example, he said the other day that he was still feeling low and wished he felt normal.  I said to him he is who he is and what is normal anyway;  Everybody has flaws, nobody is perfect.  He doesn't need to change, he just needs to get well, and he will.

When he is low I say I'm sorry to hear that; are you going outside and getting fresh air; not to push himself to do things his brain isn't ready to do yet; baby steps in the right direction is all he needs to focus on right now.  When he has mentioned wishing he would die, I will say things such as suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation and that things will improve, maybe not right away but slowly.  I sent him a meme on something I saw about taking a deep breath when feeling all consumed, that things will turn around etc and he seemed to appreciate that.

Last night he said that he was feeling more even but still felt a bit low but had been sorting through things to make changes.  He said he's not going to be the mad man anymore and that he needed to change for his mental health. I said to him that he needs to do whatever makes him happy and if he feels its change what's needed then to go for it.  I told him not to change too much, don't lose the edge that makes him unique.

So I have been validating him, empathising and giving him little ideas on how to get out of the despair he has felt.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for sharing more information.  It sounds like you are there for him without expecting much back, which probably feels safe to him.
 What matters the most is that he is still talking to you, and that he is sharing his feelings.  Just having you to share feelings with, and knowing that you care about him, is a big help to him.

RC