Is it possible that my ex is trying to upset me?

[andromeda314]

 First of all it's been a year since the final discard. To be brief about it, I said many things to her that upset me and I had kept only to myself throughout the relationship "not to cause unnecessary fights" between us. It was a shock to her, apparently, and it hurt her deeply which ended up with her breaking up with me. A few days after that I tried to talk to her, I apologized and asked for a second chance because I thought I was the one to be blamed but as you already may know I got nothing but coldness and indifference from her. I then realized I was nothing for her anymore. Oh what a shook. Very traumatic indeed.

I've never spoken to her since then and when we rarely see each other at random places we pretend we never met before, we pretend we're completely strangers. That's sad actually as we "neurotypical" people know, no matter if she is severely ill and her words of love and affection weren't exactly true. She was important to me once nevertheless... .I think you understand me (I hope).

Anyway, back to the present. She's dating someone now and it's not been long, I have to admit that it did hurt for a couple days when I heard about this news but then the pain went away and I was soon okay again... .Until yesterday when I decided to check one of her online profiles. Her new girlfriend commented something in a new picture she posted and her reply to this comment was like a slap in the face. I felt like she was saying those things to upset me, to make me feel sad and small, as if she knew I was going to read it, like "you see, I found someone who is just like you were to me but she's better, stronger, SHE is what I always wanted not you like I made you think when we were together".

Now, I know this is just my low self steem and all my insecurities speaking loudly in my head. From what I learned pwBPD lack object constancy so out of sight out of mind, right? Also they have an unhealthy way of coping with pain and once they picture someone black they won't even bother to think about them, it's like they don't exist for them anymore (until they feel the need to be validated and loved after another failed relationship) and if they do think about their exes they probably will feel nothing, just indifference or anything like that. Well, I'm not a mind reader so I don't really know.

Other thing that I learned is that pwBPD mirror their partners to fit in and for many other more complex reasons. So it's completely normal to come to the conclusion after everything ended that all her sexual behavior towards me was just a mirroring, a way of pleasing me by being my hottest fantasy coming to life. But when she finds a new partner she will mirror them and become a totally new person with different tastes... .Right? Well, I'm not so sure right now, because the mentioned reply she gave to her gf says the opposite. That's why it got me and made me feel bad, wondering if it's possible that she's actually trying to throw salt to my almost healed wounds after a year she discarded me.

To be honest it upset me to no end when I first read her comment, I got angry and inevitably felt betrayed. It lasted only for a few hours, though, and then I was okay about it again. Acceptance and a little knowledge about what's wrong with YOU is the key in this case. Yet it kept me wondering... .

What do you think?

[Cromwell]

To be honest it upset me to no end when I first read her comment, I got angry and inevitably felt betrayed. It lasted only for a few hours, though, and then I was okay about it again. Acceptance and a little knowledge about what's wrong with YOU is the key in this case. Yet it kept me wondering... .

What do you think?

My ex behaved in similar ways except, she was more blatant about it to the point I found it more like high school immaturity stuff - when I saw the motive, it did not work, it actually made her less attractive and in the long run, made it easier to detach from.

I think its worth accounting in that during the r/s our partners got to know us well - what are the things that made us vulnerable.

if she was truly so happy, and this guy was so amazing, why would there be any need to try and flaunt him to an ex partner. Id say its because its more to do with trophy collecting, seeing partners as objects, than any underlying real connection.

the cure and antidote to confusion, is to stick always to the facts and if there are none, not to get stuck in the bog of ruminating. She could be doing this to invoke jealousy but equally it could just be designed for a wider audience that she wants to portray an image towards. If it was designed to put you in a tailspin, well the most it did was a few hours and you bounced out of it - so in the absence of facts is this work you have done on yourself to not be affected by it. 

[once removed]

"out of sight out of mind" is not something i would take literally. if you ever received a phone call or a text from your ex while you werent in each others presence, you know that its not literally true.

one thing that might be obscuring the big picture here is the general "pwBPD do this, do that" stuff. theres a lot of overlap and elements in common with our stories, but our ex partners are as unique as we are, and a lot of the post relationship/breakup stuff has more to do with the unique relationship dynamics.

i dont think that your ex has painted you black. it sounds like you pulled away from the relationship emotionally, and the relationship by that point couldnt weather the storm. i pulled away too, for a couple of months, and the same thing happened to me. mind you, i was still bewildered and devastated. unfortunately, it can be a relationship killer.

To be honest it upset me to no end when I first read her comment, I got angry and inevitably felt betrayed. It lasted only for a few hours, though, and then I was okay about it again.

in my experience, its not uncommon for stuff to still sting even a year later; stuff like seeing an ex get into a new relationship, seeing whatever we see on their social media. bouncing back though, is a good sign.

I've never spoken to her since then and when we rarely see each other at random places we pretend we never met before, we pretend we're completely strangers.

why not talk to her or at least be friendly? it might thaw a lot of the ice and soothe some leftover wounds.

[Mutt]

Hi andromeda314,

From what I learned pwBPD lack object constancy so out of sight out of mind, right? Also they have an unhealthy way of coping with pain and once they picture someone black they won't even bother to think about them, it's like they don't exist for them anymore (until they feel the need to be validated and loved after another failed relationship)

When you're split black a pwBPD have very intense anger towards you - if the thoughts are not there the attachment is.

Other thing that I learned is that pwBPD mirror their partners to fit in and for many other more complex reasons. So it's completely normal to come to the conclusion after everything ended that all her sexual behavior towards me was just a mirroring, a way of pleasing me by being my hottest fantasy coming to life. But when she finds a new partner she will mirror them and become a totally new person with different tastes... .Right?

The honeymoon phase of a relationship can feel almost magical a pwBPD feel the same thing but they feel  ita thousand times more intensely than we do. If you're in a r/s with a pwBPD its very intense in the beginning - it's not the same experience as you would have with an ex partner for example it can feel really special.

[andromeda314]

She could be doing this to invoke jealousy but equally it could just be designed for a wider audience that she wants to portray an image towards. If it was designed to put you in a tailspin, well the most it did was a few hours and you bounced out of it - so in the absence of facts is this work you have done on yourself to not be affected by it. 

Yeah, that's what I thought too. She was more discreet with me but probably because I was like that myself, showing people how much we loved each other wasn't one of my priorities, reality isnt that beautiful and she wouldn't care much that I thought this way, which is not the case with her new gf, of course. But if she was actually trying to make me jealous or something, well I came to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter. Things won't change and I don't have to be affected by it. End of story

i dont think that your ex has painted you black. it sounds like you pulled away from the relationship emotionally, and the relationship by that point couldnt weather the storm.

I wrote "picture someone black" on my post but I meant paint, don't know where it came from, but anyways .

Well, I think she didn't at first, but I don't know for sure because she was acting a little distant before the "fight" that led to the break up, now that I recall. Maybe because she got trigerred? At the time her fear of abandonment kicked in and I remember she sent me a message at the middle of the night telling me she was afraid that I was going to leave her. It happened twice, I think, and although I assured her that I wouldn't leave her, I didn't pay much attention to it. Now right after the break up, a couple days after to be exact, she was very, very cold and with that "I don't f*ckn care" behavior, which made me believe she did paint me black, but who knows.
 

why not talk to her or at least be friendly? it might thaw a lot of the ice and soothe some leftover wounds.

I've been thinking about it, specially after realizing that maybe we could keep it at least in a friendly way considering that all that passion that I felt for her subsided but when I knew she was dating someone new it hurt and I knew I had to give up the idea. Not to mention I'm very sensitive to rejection (only noticed that after my relationship with her) and that's the main reason I keep myself from trying to talk to her. The last time was enough to me, like I said very traumatic, she wanted nothing with me.

Hi andromeda314,

Hi, thank you! 

The honeymoon phase of a relationship can feel almost magical a pwBPD feel the same thing but they feel  ita thousand times more intensely than we do. If you're in a r/s with a pwBPD its very intense in the beginning - it's not the same experience as you would have with an ex partner for example it can feel really special.

True, and I love intensity so it was very addictive to me. I gave up trying to explain to my friends that dating a pwBPD is totally different than dating a "normal" person but they never understand. It's not easy to digest and for us non's who got involved with someone with BPD is even more difficult to heal and move on.

[gotbushels]

andromeda314   

I think the others have given you some great responses; and given what I read, I want to give your discussion some support.

"you see, I found someone who is just like you were to me but she's better [... .]"

Now, I know this is just [... .] my insecurities speaking loudly in my head. From what I learned [... .]
Well, I'm not a mind reader so I don't really know.

I think you went about some good resolutions here in the face of this difficult situation. I think that's a good thing to hold out for you. This thought of your ex trying to "one up" you can be thought of as a pessimistic and entangling way to look at it, so it's like it's a person speaking loudly.

You're also right to go to your understanding pwBPDs often being unable to have object-constancy sufficient enough to recognise consequences of things upon others.

Indeed, to read too much into the thinkings of someone else, and specifically with a pwBPD, it's often a counterproductive exercise. I understand that irritation you may have felt--I personally didn't like the frustration I felt when I was trying to sort through such things with my ex. So you did right by yourself by understanding that indeed no one is a mind reader.

I'll also share with you that lots of people with a healthy self-esteem have doubts about their attractiveness. When an ex partner looks like they're trying to one-up you, of course it can draw you in! At the end of the day, you see that their want of attention or their need of a relationship status has no effect on your happiness or own sense of worth. While it's one thing to want a relationship (and it often feels fabulous in a good one)--it's another thing to use a relationship as a vessel of worth.

I hope you're enjoying your peace.   

[andromeda314]

andromeda314   

I think the others have given you some great responses; and given what I read, I want to give your discussion some support.

Thank you for your support, gotbushels, I really appreciate it.

Indeed, to read too much into the thinkings of someone else, and specifically with a pwBPD, it's often a counterproductive exercise.

Definitely, I think when you achieve this state where your BPD ex doesn't affect you as much as before the best thing to do is move on with your life and keep pursuing your own happiness instead of keep trying to figure out what's going on in their minds.