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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Just filed for divorce. Mixed emotions  (Read 377 times)
fedup2017th

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« on: January 18, 2019, 03:07:19 PM »

Hi:

After years of contemplating filing for divorce, I finally have my lawyer sending the papers to the New Jersey courts. I felt pretty good about this but maybe reality is sitting in and I feel like crap right now. I have been married for 12 years and I am a shell of myself due to all of those years of verbal (and a little physical) abuse. I have a son (10) who at the very least, I will have half custody. I have a big decision on him on whether to fight for more due to being worried about how she is effecting him. She is a good mom and does a lot for him but she also controls him and shows BPD traits toward him.

As with most on this board, I am so attracted to her. A lot of times, I now see w witch when I look at her but at times like this, I see a broken, beautiful woman who I took an oath to take care of and I am letting her down. 

It is time to keep working on myself. I have been seeing a therapist and it has helped. I need to keep fixing myself instead of my life of being the fixer.

Not sure what I wanted to get from this post but I did want to give a little bit of a briandump of what I was feeling and get opinions from others. Maybe hear some of you who broke away from the insanity and are loving life. Life should not be so hard.

Thanks-
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2019, 04:52:29 PM »

Hi fedup2017th,

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site. It's not easy to decide to divorce the idea has probably been there for a long time. I would think you thought about it often and thought about how she's probably not going to change, how the current family life will affect S10 etc. It's normal to hesitate but you probably thought that the con's do not outweight the pro's.

Quote from: fedup2017th
I have a son (10) who at the very least, I will have half custody. I have a big decision on him on whether to fight for more due to being worried about how she is effecting him. She is a good mom and does a lot for him but she also controls him and shows BPD traits toward him.

I have three kids my ex despite of her undiagnosed traits and BPD behaviours does care and tries to do her best if you look at what she does the r/s is between S10 and mom and S10 and dad courts are going to look at it from his perspective what is best for him. My ex is not diagnosed is your stbx diagnosed, it would have been financially not viable and very expensive to prove that she is not a fit parent.

Every situation is different and every pwBPD is a different person, with different traits, different personalites and come from all walks of life. That being said your S10 has a place that he can fallback on with an emotionally stable parent to care for him - I think of it as a safe haven away from the storm. Also it wasn't good for my kids to see conflict between mom and dad the oldest talks about it it was better to be seperate for the kids.

It's OK it helps to those that have gone through this I agree with you it shouldn't be this hard but sometimes in life things have to get worse before they get better, there is life after divorcing a pwBPD and it can be a good life. Is she diagnosed with BPD?

You may want to talk to the members on the legal board too if you have legal questions later we're not lawyers but members have experience with divorce.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2019, 04:59:35 PM »

Hey fedup, Of course you have mixed emotions, so don't beat yourself up.  No, you didn't let her down.  BPD is a terrible disorder that takes its toll on all involved.  Suggest you treat yourself with kindness and consideration.  You've been through a lot and have challenges ahead.  Suggest you stay the course.  A lot of people on this site fear the unknown, with good reason, but I'm hear to confirm that the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found, which is what it's all about in my view.  I've been through a divorce from a pwBPD after 16 years of marriage and two kids, so I know where you're coming from, believe me!

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
fedup2017th

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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2019, 06:39:19 AM »

Lucky Jim:

Thank you for your reply. I am having a rough morning and I needed this.

Fedup
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2019, 10:50:19 AM »

Hey fedup, When I was in your shoes, I elected to work on stress reduction techniques, as I said to myself that things were to be rough on an ongoing basis.  My suggestion is to consciously pursue things which require you to be in the moment, fully present, in a mindful state.  I'm not talking about going to a monastery; instead, I mean taking time out to do things that get you absorbed in the moment, such as: getting a good physical workout; doing something creative like playing a musical instrument; cooking a good meal from scratch; taking a walk outdoors in the woods or on the beach; calling a good friend or family member; writing in a journal; etc.  You get the idea!

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
fedup2017th

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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2019, 01:27:12 PM »

LJ:

That is fantastic advice! To add to this, I have been meditating through a simple app and it is amazing how it has worked.

FED
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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2019, 09:31:17 PM »

12 years is a long time, fedup2017th. its going to be a struggle. weve got you. i hope that youll utilize the Family Law and Co-Parenting board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0) as well, weve got some veterans over there who have been through it, know the system, and can help.

She is a good mom and does a lot for him but she also controls him and shows BPD traits toward him.

what sorts of things does she show toward your son?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lucky Jim
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« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2019, 10:01:30 AM »

Excerpt
I have been meditating through a simple app and it is amazing how it has worked.

Nice work, Fedup.  Practicing mindfulness is an excellent way to get into the moment.

As once removed suggests, you have challenges ahead.  We've been down this road before you.  "How does the snail climb Mt. Fuji?  But slowly, slowly . . . "  It's one step at a time, my friend.

Feel free to ask us any particular questions as issues arise.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
FoxtrotCharlie3
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« Reply #8 on: January 25, 2019, 08:58:34 PM »

Fed,
I've been there and thought like you as well, in NJ also.  It will hurt for a while, and of course second guessing, etc.  However, let me offer this to you... .you have a young child to think about.  As a parent, our responsibility is to raise our children in the safest and most ideal environment that we can provide.  Not knowing you personally. I can only say this about my situation... .I am a pastor and I had just about enough in the marriage that someone can take with the abuse.  As a Christian, God didn't have spouses together for abuse, and it took me years to realize it.  We are about 7 years past, I met a beautiful woman who loves me for me and my daughter and my relationship with my ex is better than when we were married. 
Have a plan in place for your emotions and pain from divorce. That is my advice, and know you will see tomorrow.  When tomorrow comes, you will see tomorrow again. 

FC3
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confused4now
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« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2019, 12:13:58 AM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post), so SORRY your  going through this painful time. I just wanted to encourage you to keep on the road to discover/recovery. I too had to detach from my husband that I loved. It will be 2 years in August, and it still hurts. I went in and out of denial, we tried to get back together at least 5 times. I felt so stupid ever time it ended  Paragraph header  (click to insert in post). I dont feel stupid now, because I realize walking away from someone I love, and a r/s that I put my all into is very difficult. So, your at the beginning stages of rewiring your brain. It's very common to be confused,  then anger, sadness, regret. During this time you are growing, I had to process all the feelings I had ignored. This takes awhile, but it gets so much better. I have been 3 mos no contact and I know it is really over. We have lived apart for so long change was inevitable.  The last time we tried to reconcile,  I didnt enjoy his company, I was bored, and was able to see how immature he was. I actually out grew him . I ended it without yelling or crying. I am now going to move a couple of states away to begin a life that I choose. Take this journey one step at a time, focus on learning about the disorder. If you can get a therapist that specializes in BPD that will help you process your emotions.  Good luck
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