Guilt

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi

I broke up with my ex girlfriend 6 months ago. I am a woman.
My ex girlfriend has a daughter and I love her daughter like my own.

We have been together for 3 years. I realized she might have borderline personality disorder 2 years ago but she does not want to talk about it neither acknowledge to see a psychiatrist.

I broke up and move out and feel guilty about it. I don’t regret.
She is very vocal about her process and in denial of how bad our arguments became. In fact the arguments was the reason for me to break up because we were fighting and argumenting in front of her daughter, so I had to end this toxic environment by removing myself from the environment.

Now things are just getting worse although I am no longer living there. Clearly the reason I am still in connection with her, is because her daughter and I want to see each other.

I was wondering if there would be anyone here who can relate to my guilt feelings... .I do have a therapist already but I never talked to anyone who has a similar experience like mine... .


I thought it might ease my guilt feelings... .

[AriesTears]

Hi

I broke up with my ex girlfriend 6 months ago. I am a woman.
My ex girlfriend has a daughter and I love her daughter like my own.

We have been together for 3 years. I realized she might have borderline personality disorder 2 years ago but she does not want to talk about it neither acknowledge to see a psychiatrist.

I broke up and move out and feel guilty about it. I don’t regret.
She is very vocal about her process and in denial of how bad our arguments became. In fact the arguments was the reason for me to break up because we were fighting and argumenting in front of her daughter, so I had to end this toxic environment by removing myself from the environment.

Now things are just getting worse although I am no longer living there. Clearly the reason I am still in connection with her, is because her daughter and I want to see each other.

I was wondering if there would be anyone here who can relate to my guilt feelings... .I do have a therapist already but I never talked to anyone who has a similar experience like mine... .


I thought it might ease my guilt feelings... .

[Sandb2015]

Welcome AriesTears, you are not alone here.

I too have a similar situation, GF of 4 years with unBPD, turmoil and torment and a great connection and love in between.  When I first moved in, connected very well with 13 yo boy, no male figure for many years if any and I made it a point to connect with him on every level and was my goal.  He would argue like heck with his mom and I became the accepted and welcomed buffer.

Things got worse and he hit 16 and 17.  Beside the usual teenage stuff, he's a good kid, his relationship with his mom became distant and he didn't want much to do with either of us, we argued loudly and he would speak out about it.  She also sheltered the heck out of him, didn't like my influence or perceived influence and had her own issues with me (unfounded of course).  Every time she threw me out for a day or two, I saw the pain in him against his mom, very sensitive and very quiet, non expressive.

I've seen him a few times, he has detached from me and his mom.  I sent a heart filled text and he says he doesn't want to get involved.  I'm thinking, out of sight, out of mind and emotionally shut down regarding me and his mom and in a way towards his mom.

I want to reconcile with her and I will be a pillar to this young man with a lot of work.

I don't know how this helps, but I am empathetic to your similar situation.  Being in a young persons life is always a plus if it can be done with the support and encouragement of the child's guardian.

[Mutt]

Hi AriesTears,

Now things are just getting worse although I am no longer living there. Clearly the reason I am still in connection with her, is because her daughter and I want to see each other.

I'd like to join Sandb2015 and welcome you to the family, I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site my heart goes out to you because it's tough when there are kids behind and you feel like you're leaving them behind.

I had a SD (step daughter) with my exuBPDw and it was really heartbreaking for me when I couldn't be there for her anymore knowing what I know about my exuBPDw, there has to be someone that becomes emotional lightning rod around the house and it was me, when I was out of the house and her bf moved it was SD for a period then that shifted over to her bf, the r/s eventually broke down he moved out, SD is out has been out of her house for awhile and it's my D13 now.

I can relate with the guilt but unfortunately I wasn't her biological dad and it hurt like hell, I had to grieve the r/s with her like I had to grieve the loss of my exuBPDw and the marriage. It also depends on the daughter's personality, some kids are split black and others are split white you may want to read some of the posts from the coping members https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0 it can give you a window into the future.

When your ex finds someone eventually she'll be busy splitting that person black so a lot of the current attention that her daughter will be getting will shift it's probably not what you wanted to hear, it's difficult when there are kids involved because naturally you want to protect them and you helpless when you can't it helps to talk to others that have been in your shoes. Hang in there.

[Cat Familiar]

It must be hard to try and maintain the relationship with her daughter, but then still be exposed to her toxic anger. You did what you felt was best for all concerned. What do you think the feelings of guilt are about?

[Harri]

Guilt can be tough to reconcile.  So many of us here struggle with that.

What do you think you can do in this situation?  I have found that if I look at what my expectations are for me and what I can do, it helps lessen the guilt if my expectations are a bit off and I can identify it.   

[AriesTears]

Thank you all so much for your warm welcome.

It took me sometime until I figured out how to navigate here. I was not aware until now that there were so many replies.

I am so grateful for your replies. It does certainly make me feel for real for what I have been feeling for such a long time... .

Sandb2015, your empathy certainly helps. One of the reasons I really forced myself to move out now was to try to avoid my step daughter to witness our arguments when she becomes a teenager. She is 7 years old now and I just hope that until she is 10 or something I will be able to sustain a decent relationship with my ex. However, the more read the posts, I feel sustaining a relationship with a BPD is very difficult. I just want to be there as a guardian just dont know how...

Mutt, thank you for your warm message. It was spot on when you said that you were grieving with the loss of you exuBPDw (I assume that means, ex unfolded BPD woman?), step daughter and the marriage. That is exactly how I feel, and the triple grieveing becomes so heavy at times... .I will check out the link you mentioned right away. And you are right once more when you say, that it is not what I want to hear that my step daughter might find her parental attachment if a new partner comes into picture... it hurts but I guess the sooner I accept this, the sooner I heal... .

Cat Familiar, my guilt feelings are twofold. 1. My stepdaughter when she was 4 or 5 years old, my ex was so angry with her. She came to me and cried hugged and felt safe with me. She (stepdaughter) asked me that I should never leave. I promised back then I would never leave her, yet 2 years later I did. I feel like I betrayed her. I thought I could fight her mothers BPD... .but I could not... .2. I feel guilty on the otherhand that I tried for 2 years to find a balance, and I might have played now a huge part to my stepdaughters possible emotional damages... .

These 2 reasons are eating me from the inside... .


Harri, I think I could have just acted earlier. I really expected that I could help heal BPD... .but after 2 years and reading all I could find from „walking on eggshelves“ to „i hate you don’t leave me“ I realize, BPD wont heal unless the owner claims it... .

I guess I am really resisting the idea of accepting that „I did everything I could do“... .hence the guilt... .

[Lucky Jim]

I really expected that I could help heal BPD... .but after 2 years and reading all I could find from „walking on eggshelves“ to „i hate you don’t leave me“ I realize, BPD wont heal unless the owner claims it... .

Right, AT.  I like to overcome challenges and thought that I could crack the BPD Code, yet BPD proved too much for me.  It's an incredibly complex disorder that defies lasting solutions.  I doubt that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome, so I suggest you let go of the guilt.

LuckyJim