He got physical last night

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think my relationship with my bph is coming to a closure and I am not really feeling broken up about it.

Last night we went out, because he wanted too.  I find out later he wanted to because he wanted to have a threesome or orgy with these girls.  I wasn't feeling the vibes good before we left and I tried hard to have a fun time. Before we left our friend's house, I couldn't find his medication and insisted we go back to get another one.  He insisted he would be fine.  The night went on.

He started getting really grabby, like aggressive.  He was drinking a lot and   grabbing my privates and like grabbing my girlfriends.  I told the girls I just wanted to go home.  We stuck in out till close and somehow my bph and I ended up being alone at my girlfriend's house with three other woman.  He kept making "jokes" about lucky him, and this night is working out to his benefit.  He went back there with the expectation that we would all get down.  I wasn't really feeling comfortable with it.  At her house, he acted understanding and said it was okay.  Then we leave.

He starts getting angry.  It didn't start as a fight but the more he talked about, the angrier he got.  Then we go upstairs.  He start on his rampage about how horrible all women are.  Then he forced himself on me.  He threatened me and started trying to force me down.  I fought him, hard. I almost got away, but he overpowered me and tied my wrists together tight behind my back and had his way. Then he kept me up until 6am, knowing I had to work at 11 and wake up in a couple hours with the baby.

This morning, he pulled his, I am going to puff up and try to play alpha male and make you "toe the line".  I didn't buy it.  After what he did and said last night, he pushed me too far.  Before I would try to soothe him, but I couldn't.  He said he could make me real scared, I forget who I'm messing with, he was going to knock my head off.  He cornered me in the bathroom with the baby.  He put his hand on my neck and shoved me.  I put my foot and his chest and shoved.  I told him that he is not allowed to touch me like that.

A lot happened after that and I am starting to really believe that we both want isn't lining up anymore.

[Frankee]

I think my relationship with my bph is coming to a closure and I am not really feeling broken up about it.

Last night we went out, because he wanted too.  I find out later he wanted to because he wanted to have a threesome or orgy with these girls.  I wasn't feeling the vibes good before we left and I tried hard to have a fun time. Before we left our friend's house, I couldn't find his medication and insisted we go back to get another one.  He insisted he would be fine.  The night went on.

He started getting really grabby, like aggressive.  He was drinking a lot and   grabbing my privates and like grabbing my girlfriends.  I told the girls I just wanted to go home.  We stuck in out till close and somehow my bph and I ended up being alone at my girlfriend's house with three other woman.  He kept making "jokes" about lucky him, and this night is working out to his benefit.  He went back there with the expectation that we would all get down.  I wasn't really feeling comfortable with it.  At her house, he acted understanding and said it was okay.  Then we leave.

He starts getting angry.  It didn't start as a fight but the more he talked about, the angrier he got.  Then we go upstairs.  He start on his rampage about how horrible all women are.  Then he forced himself on me.  He threatened me and started trying to force me down.  I fought him, hard. I almost got away, but he overpowered me and tied my wrists together tight behind my back and had his way. Then he kept me up until 6am, knowing I had to work at 11 and wake up in a couple hours with the baby.

This morning, he pulled his, I am going to puff up and try to play alpha male and make you "toe the line".  I didn't buy it.  After what he did and said last night, he pushed me too far.  Before I would try to soothe him, but I couldn't.  He said he could make me real scared, I forget who I'm messing with, he was going to knock my head off.  He cornered me in the bathroom with the baby.  He put his hand on my neck and shoved me.  I put my foot and his chest and shoved.  I told him that he is not allowed to touch me like that.

A lot happened after that and I am starting to really believe that we both want isn't lining up anymore.

[Harri]

Are you safe now Frankee?

What are your thoughts about what happened?  How can we help you?

[Vincenta]

Oh Frankee, I am so sorry to hear this.

This sounds quite horrible indeed.

How are you? Where are you now? Still at work or at home?
Are you safe?

Do you have a safety plan? Please see also
 
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

Could you contact your local DV center, or call the DV emergency line, they are experts with such situations and can support you immediately.

Please keep yourself and your baby safe, and keep on writing here.

Sending a big virtual   
   

[AskingWhy]

Dear Frankee, my heart is going out to you, as this situation with your partner is unhealthy and abusive on so many levels.

pwBPD have no identity and it terrifies them, and they try to numb themselves with what they have at hand:  pills/drug, addictions of all kinds (food, sex, alcohol, gambling, shopping, etc.)  As chameleons, the try desperately to "fit in" by mirroring those around them.

They project their rage and hatred of themselves onto their intimate partners.  It appears you are now the target of projected rage.  The innocent partner serves as a punching bag, emotionally and sometimes physically, for the pwBPD and his rage.  I know this from personal experience as this is what my uBPD H does.

At this point with you, I sense your empathy and patience have been exhausted. IMO, physical violence is a deal-breaker.

The perversions and lack of intimacy toward you are attempts of your partner to numb his self hatred.  His tirade in spite of knowing you had to work and care for your baby are proof positive that he is too much into his own agony to really care about anyone or anything else.  This is the BPD part of BPD.

You need to make a decision about this most recent incident as I think it represents a turning point in your R/S.  

pwBPD have no boundaries and your partner is pushing you with violence.

Our own Cat Familiar recommended a tool to assess the threat of serious violence called the MOSAIC test, but IMO, that line has already been crossed with the hands on the neck and your shoving him with your foot.  

Please, please make a plan of safety and assess your situation and that of your baby.

Hugs to you in your time of pain.  

Here is the link to the MOSAIC test.  It is anonymous, and it does not need to be said that you do NOT tell your partner about it.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/



 

[Frankee]

I took the MOSAIC test a little over a year ago.  Almost one year ago to the day, I was fleeing halfway across the country because I so indepthly believed my life was in jeopardy.  I am safe now and the baby is okay.  I am struggling today at work because I am tired, but I told then I was up all night with stomach problems. 

I talked with a couple of my girlfriends that he was trying to get us to all mess around with.  They agree he is being emotionally abusive.  I am talking more open to friends about encounters I have with him.

What happened last night and this morning were hard.  We have been going back and forth.  Now he is doing his bit about wanting to die, how I am neglecting him, or not showing enough emotion about him talking about blowing his head off.  I have lost count of how many times he has threatened that.  After a point, it becomes like the boy that cried wolf.  It is a ploy to get his way.  That is how desensitized I am too it now.

My thoughts of this encounter is I feel cold towards him today.  This is the first time I actually tried to honestly get away from him when he attempted to take his anger out on me in an intimate way.  That is a pivotal point. I have already decided I am not leaving my town.  I am going to the college here as well as I am back working at the job I left a year ago.  My youngest is is daycare and my oldest is doing well in school. 

Today I stood up for myself.  When he had me cornered in the bathroom, I didn't feel any fear or scared of him.  I looked at him and said I was not going to allow him to harm me.  I am not sure what this means.   I am not sure if it means that I am no longer really afraid of him physically or if it was a part of me that was waiting for him to do something to where I could say it was over.

[Cat Familiar]

Frankee,
First of all,    .

Please use the link that AskingWhy posted for the MOSAIC test and let us know the score.

Are you in touch with your local DV center?

Be safe, protect yourself, defuse the situation when you see him getting worked up.

Cat

[Skip]

Can you work with us on developing a safety plan?  Do you have a way to print this out?



I might suggest that when things starting heating up (you know his pattern), that you get out... .take the dog for a walk, run to buy baby supplies, etc.

There is a lot of practical information there. Thinks like, when I leave, I should take

*Identification for myself
*Children’s birth certificate
*My birth certificate
*Social Security cards
*School and vaccination records
*Money
*Checkbook, ATM card
*Credit cards
*Key - house, car, office
*Driver’s license and registration
*Medications
*Copy of protection order
*Welfare identification, work permits, green cards

Have you ever texted 741-741?  This is a great text message line to get information for local DV resources.

[Frankee]

I still have my safety plan in place.  Last year I wasn't as prepared, but I have taken the precautions to stash away copies of documents.  I remember the procedures I went through before to ensure safety.

Today I attempted to walk out of the bathroom, but he was blocking the way.  I have tried to walk out of the house before when he became this way and it only escalated the situation.  Things I have seen that work is not allowing him to get me worked up, staying calm and carrying on with what I was doing when he started in.

Be safe, protect yourself, defuse the situation when you see him getting worked up.

Cat

Cat, I saw this and asked myself a question.  For how long?  I get it.  He has improved in great strides.  But there is something that is still gnawing at my brain.  He has made wonderful strides, but this last episode left me feeling that it really isn't going to work.   He flat out admitted to be attracted to other women, wanting to *#$! them, getting angry at me more than once because I haven't found us a girlfriend, the whole kids situation, "ruining" his night because I wouldn't get down with three other women.

I find myself with little or no patience or empathy for him.  I feel as I am getting better and stronger, I am less susceptible to his attempts to manipulate or scare me. I also find I want to spend less time "talking" about things because it wastes my time and we make no progress most of the time.

[Cat Familiar]

You’re seeing a lot of improvement but at the same time, you’re wondering if he’s the person you want to be with.

His expressed desire for behavior that you don’t want to participate in is a concern.

You’re feeling less patience or empathy for him and the conversations you have with him seem to be unproductive.

I’m wondering if what you’re feeling now is a product of your experience the other night, or if you feel this way when things are better?

[JNChell]

Frankee, you’ve been through a lot. Are you ready? Are you ready for a better daily feeling in life? I won’t tell you to run, but I will ask you questions. I will also give my opinions. He’s a monster that you shouldn’t feel sorry for. Maybe he will eventually feel sorry for himself and get the help that he needs, but that’s not on your timeline. You’re on your timeline.

My hackles are up in reading. He hasn’t improved, and he won’t unless he gets serious treatment over a prolonged period of time. He blocks you and grabs your privates? Ok, my hackles are now porcupine needles.

Deep down, why are you staying?

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankie,

I am sorry to hear about your horrible experience. I've been through very similar situations and it was soul-crushing. Even more so when you thought that maybe this person was putting in an effort to get better and showing signs of improvement, however tentative.

You're realizing in more ways than one that your values and his are not lining up. Add to this your frustration from being blamed for everything and now the return of physical violence in your relationship, and it can be absolutely overwhelming.

You are right to ask yourself "for how long?" It's a potent and valid question. How long do you want to spend your energy trying to diffuse in order to remain safe?

How long will that work until it doesn't?

My uBPDh was extremely violent with me, many times. He would also pull the "suicide routine" afterwards, as a way of deflecting responsibility for his cruelty towards me. He assaulted me, then tried to manipulate me into giving him sympathy and attention. There was no room for me to process the trauma of the experiences from one to the next because the focus was always on him, one way or another.

That's one of the reasons I have complex PTSD today, for which I am now in treatment.

I stayed in my relationship until I just didn't have the capacity to survive in it anymore. I also ran out of patience and empathy for his constant acting out. His issues, needs, problems, behaviors consumed everything and it still wasn't enough.


Whatever you decide to do from this point on, please know you aren't alone and you have support here.

Please stay safe.

Redeemed

[Mutt]

But there is something that is still gnawing at my brain.  He has made wonderful strides, but this last episode left me feeling that it really isn't going to work.   He flat out admitted to be attracted to other women, wanting to *#$! them, getting angry at me more than once because I haven't found us a girlfriend, the whole kids situation, "ruining" his night because I wouldn't get down with three other women.

That gnawing in your brain sounds like conflict there is a part of you that wants to stay but he crossed a boundary ( more than one others have pointed out the physical one I’m talking r/s dynamics )  Your value is a monogamous r/s and not a polyamorous r/s. This is going to a problem if he’s adamant that he wants to have a different r/s type than the current one that you’re not comfortable with.

[hope2727]

Frankee I am so so sorry that you experienced that abuse. Please consider reaching out to your local domestic violence or crisis hotline. Let them know what is happening and advise you. They are experts and have resources to help. If you take the MOSAIC test again it may help you to see the danger you are in. It is NEVER worth your safety. Violence escalates and you are worth a safe happy love filled life.

Meanwhile I am sending you hugs and support.

[Frankee]

I’m wondering if what you’re feeling now is a product of your experience the other night, or if you feel this way when things are better?

The issue I have when we are in a "better" time, when he has a an episode, he says he's basically faking it.  Putting blame on me, saying he's only doing it because I threatened to leave or this or that. That It's all about me.  Makes me wonder if it just a masquerade when he's "happy".

Maybe he will eventually feel sorry for himself and get the help that he needs, but that’s not on your timeline.

He blocks you and grabs your privates? Ok, my hackles are now porcupine needles.

Deep down, why are you staying?

I had to.fight tooth and nail to get him to see a counselor.  He's on medication now and seems to think that is enough.  I am not so sure anymore.  We were drinking and he was grabbing on me because he was acting like it was fun and playing around.  When he did that, I shoved his hand away.  I am not sure anymore why I am staying.  He's no longer supporting me with anything I am doing.  He was, but we had a fight and he was like, you all are going to see what it's like when I m not supportive.

You're realizing in more ways than one that your values and his are not lining up.

How long will that work until it doesn't?

He would also pull the "suicide routine" afterwards, as a way of deflecting responsibility of his cruelty towards me.

He has made it clear, even when he's sober about the type of r/s he wants.  I have tried to give him something like it, but now it has become more consuming.  He made the comment about how I have pushed him aside and neglecting him. He wants the attention he use to get, he's not getting it from me, he doesn't want to leave me, but he wants another woman to give his said attention.  He said it is for us, but I don't believe it.  When he was drunk, he told me he wanted a gf/wife for "us" that would give him children, bring in more money, and that he could stoop when he got bored.  Drunk or not, that's a lot to absorb.

It is small things adding up.  When he's not on anything, he has made comments that I am finding less excuse to give him a pass.  He seems swallowed by the desire to have the 2nd wife, more kids, more attention.  Keeps telling me I am not acting right, he's the man, he can say or do whatever her wants, be an a$$hole whenever he wants, that me acting like a bit** is why his cruelty was continuing.  I think I am done buying this routine and excuses.  It no longer feels valid and I am now saying something to him about it.

[hope2727]

Hi Frankee also consider telling your work. They know something is up and telling them you were up all night sick doesn't give them the opportunity to help you. Many people understand and will support you given the chance.

[Cat Familiar]

Frankee,
You've got some important plans--going to school to become a nurse. And that will give you more financial freedom and a portable job!

As Mutt pointed out, your husband has a very different idea of what he wants out of a relationship, and as you've mentioned he wants more children, if not by you, by some random woman, it seems.

Your future plans are not in alignment. How do you envision things in the next 6 months, the next year?

Cat

[Frankee]

I am unsure about what my r/s holds.  I finally was able to talk to him without becoming hostile.  He wants me to be the way that I use to be.  Where I didn't get defensive, even if I am right and he's being an a$$hole.  He acknowledged that was wrong to ask.  He said the way he acted the other night was the old him and it scared him.  I went on to explain to him that I am not going to be how I use to be in a lot of ways.  Before, I would take it all in and just roll over and say it's okay baby, everything is fine.  That's what he wanted to hear and everything is not fine.

I am still very upset about his behavior Friday night.  I am also upset that I knew we shouldn't had gone out because I was still upset with him about other things.

Becoming a nurse is very important.  I need to be financially stable.  He feels I am doing this to start a new life.  I think he knows that one day, I will be done and get a good job.  Then he won't be able to pull the "I am busting my butt to support you" as a guilty card. It doesn't matter if he supports me or not, I am going to do it.

Where I am going to be in 6 months is done with my first semester of classes.  Last few days shook me up and rattled my priorities.  Part of me is wondering if he is consciously/unconsciously trying to sabatoge my school.  Or if this ramped up pressure that he was doing about finding us a gf is because he is afraid I will leave him.

[Frankee]

Many people understand and will support you given the chance.

I feel good about telling my girlfriends.  I haven't known them long, but having actual girlfriends to disclose to has helped immensely.  One of the women was in a r/s where she was cheated on and talked down to.  I feel she can understand where I am coming from.

[Notwendy]

  Part of me is wondering if he is consciously/unconsciously trying to sabatoge my school.  Or if this ramped up pressure that he was doing about finding us a gf is because he is afraid I will leave him.

This may be the case, but I hope you can stay focused on my studies. My H has at times expressed a fear I will leave him or find someone else. He didn't do the things your H did, but he would do things like agree to watch the kids so I could go to a work meeting and then refuse at the last minute ( too late to get a sitter). He would also refuse to help with the kids much at all. I had them with me almost all the time. I wasn't looking to meet anyone, but being with kids all the time was definitely a "not available" message to other men.  think he felt more secure knowing I was with the kids. He would not admit to any sabotaging me, but his actions seemed to go along with this. I was thankfully not physically abused but I do think these behaviors are manipulative.

I did go back to work and the positive reinforcement from doing a good job has been very helpful to me to maintain my own sense of self. I hope you can fulfill your dreams of being a nurse.

Don't forget, abuse is a cycle. Your H acted out in rage. Now he realizes what he did, and now fears the consequences. So, he's either remorseful or acting remorseful. "see honey, all is good now, I'm good now" but don't deny what you know. It's a cycle. It happened before, and it will happen again and it isn't about you even if he blames it on you. It's about him.

Please have a safety plan in place and take care of yourself.

[Ozzie101]

I'll echo everyone else. Please keep your focus on your goals. That's so important for so many reasons. And, yes, he probably is threatened by that.

Don't forget, abuse is a cycle. Your H acted out in rage. Now he realizes what he did, and now fears the consequences. So, he's either remorseful or acting remorseful. "see honey, all is good now, I'm good now" but don't deny what you know. It's a cycle. It happened before, and it will happen again and it isn't about you even if he blames it on you. It's about him.

Please have a safety plan in place and take care of yourself.

This. It's textbook abuser behavior. My H hasn't gotten physical (other than breaking things) but he's definitely been verbally and emotionally abusive. There's a real cycle. It's easy, when they're in the "honeymoon phase" to gloss over what happened. Be open to signs of genuine change, but be aware that this will most likely be short-lived. Notwendy is right. You need to have a plan in place. Safety first!

[I Am Redeemed]

He may be trying to sabotage your goals, and my guess is that it's probably not calculated (though I could be wrong). Some pwBPD self-sabotage without an awareness that they are doing it, and I think that could extend to the sabotage of others as well.

Possibly it's just that he is threatened by the prospect of you being able to make a decent living without him. Another layer to this might be that he uses his job to support his victim mentality and keep you under a sense of obligation to him... ."I work so hard for you, etc... ." If you have a good paying job yourself, he doesn't have that card to play anymore and he may be twisting that in his mind and blaming you for "taking" that away from him.

Also, he is probably threatened by anything that is a priority to you that isn't him.

My uBPDh encouraged me to go to school. He heard about the degree program which I am currently attending, he encouraged me to apply and even applied with me.

But after classes started, he resented me for having schoolwork to do, he resented having to keep the baby until I got out of class, he spent our money on drugs and lottery tickets so I didn't even have gas to drive to school, he made a big dramatic show of being "sick" so I didn't have time for schoolwork between him and the baby, and he stopped doing his own schoolwork (which he said was my fault for not helping him do it) and failed the first class.

He kept me up at night raging and being physically abusive and I ended up failing my first two classes as well. I had to repeat them both, which I did after I left him. Since I left, I haven't failed a single class. In fact, I have a 3.8 GPA since I don't have to deal with him anymore.

And yes, his abandonment fears are probably triggered by you pursuing your goals. In his mind, that may be what he thinks your ultimate goal is, hence the "push" part of the cycle.

Redeemed

[Waddams]

Umm, you were battered, assaulted, falsely imprisoned, and raped.  Then battered again in the morning.  Now, terroristic threats are flowing freely.  I get being in a bit of mind haze, but what I don't get is why the other posters here aren't more emphatically responding.  This isn't something that needs "radical acceptance" and communication and defusing skills.  You don't need to be trying to manage anything to do with him at this point.  This is a situation that calls for immediately getting him out. 

Two steps:
1.  Take every bit of documentation and your baby to the police precinct, ask to see the desk officer, and have them take a police report.  Tell them exact story you did here, and show them the follow up texts and what not you are clearly getting from him.  If you have marks on you, get them photographed and documented.

2.  When done at the police office, head straight for a local magistrate or whatever local authority you need to, and file for an Ex Parte Restraining Order.  Show the judge all the same materials and incident documentation.  Have him removed from the home.  Ask for the order to stipulate court supervised visitation only for the baby, and no contact allowed from him otherwise.

If you need, have a friend go with you.  Take time off work to go.  You should not wait one more second to go do this.  You can go do this right now, in fact.  These are the types of situations that turn into murder-suicides and what not.  He's out of control and you're the target.  Don't write this off or make up excuses for it like all of us do when these situations are escalating.  You need to act.

[Skip]

what I don't get is why the other posters here aren't more emphatically responding.  This isn't something that needs "radical acceptance" and communication and defusing skills.  You don't need to be trying to manage anything to do with him at this point.  This is a situation that calls for immediately getting him out.

Most of us are working within the NCADV guideline and the bpdfamily protocols. There have been a lot of studies on domestic violence strategies and how to minimize the risk of critical injury or death in resolving a bad home situation.
https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm

11 percent of DV killed had restraining orders in place at the time they were killed. There is risk and its important to assess the specific risk in each case and it is best to work on that with a domestic violence professional.

Umm, you were battered, assaulted, falsely imprisoned, and raped.  Then battered again in the morning.  Now, terroristic threats are flowing freely.[/glow]

One other point that may or may not have been mentioned in this thread and should be added to the list above is that frankee has been through the process before and was secretly relocated across the country by a DV agency.

For all of us here, it is worth reading: https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm

Becoming a nurse is very important. I need to be financially stable.  He feels I am doing this to start a new life.  I think he knows that one day, I will be done and get a good job.  Then he won't be able to pull the "I am busting my butt to support you" as a guilty card. It doesn't matter if he supports me or not, I am going to do it.

How far out is this? Financial independence will open a lot of doors.

[snowglobe]

  Waddams

Dear Waddams,given the previous history of trying to escape from the same person with BPD in question and the nature of the relationships, the members are trying to actively support Frankie to make her choices, having her and her children’s safety at the top priority. In fact, as you probably know, the times when the victim is actively trying to leave, is the most vulnerable time for her physical well being. Frankie needs to carefully plan and then excercise the safest route of exit, should she choose to. It’s exceptionally hard to process, this forum is the safest place for nons, those who live with people with personality disorders. We all want Frankie to be safe and keep on taking to us.

[snowglobe]

Dear Frankie,
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this physical, emotional and intimate abuse. Reading your powerful testimony, I’m reliving my own nightmares, and although I’m definitely triggered, I’m so wholeheartedly glad you come back and talk to us. Please do, at my darkest hour this forum was all I had, and still is.
I know how complicated your shared history with your husband, you are very courageous, yet, as with most of us, your own traumas are stalling some much needed decisions and actions. Take your time, breathe and try to come down. You can’t act if you aren’t calm and thinking clearly. From my own experience I know, some parts of my trauma processing are like powerful currents that keep on sweeping me back to the same dysfunctional coping mechanisms. The good news is that we aren’t static, we keep on changing and evolving, your life now, doesn’t define your future.
Dear, can you please tell me a little more about this “second wife”, threesome situation? When did it first enter your relationships? How did it come about? How do you feel about it?
I feel like we know so much of what your BPD husband wants, and so little of what you want... .
From my psych education I know that it usually takes about 3 attempts to successfully exit abusive relationships. Don’t be hard on yourself. With your husband judging, others around you, please be understand, gentle and forgiving with yourself.

[Frankee]

I appreciate all of the support.  I have a bad habit of glossing over his infractions when he acts like this then goes back to level self. 

Your H acted out in rage. Now he realizes what he did, and now fears the consequences. So, he's either remorseful or acting remorseful. "see honey, all is good now, I'm good now" but don't deny what you know. It's a cycle. It happened before, and it will happen again and it isn't about you even if he blames it on you.

This last episode, I could clearly see how hard he was trying to control how I responded.  Saying I'm not acting right, saying if I wasn't being a bit**, this would stop.  Asking me to be how I use to be and saying how he knew it was wrong to ask. 

Also, he is probably threatened by anything that is a priority to you that isn't him.
My uBPDh encouraged me to go to school. He heard about the degree program which I am currently attending, he encouraged me to apply and even applied with me.
But after classes started, he resented me for having schoolwork to do.

He was very supportive when I came to him about what I wanted to do.  Then we had a fight a week before classes started.  It was something he twisted out of context and spun it into a "you can't handle this, I'll show you what it's like not to be supportive, classes haven't even started and look at how you're just falling apart."  He keeps throwing in my face how I am abandoning this family, how it seems I don't want to be a part of this family, how I am neglecting him.

Take your time, breathe and try to come down. You can’t act if you aren’t calm and thinking clearly.  The good news is that we aren’t static, we keep on changing and evolving, your life now, doesn’t define your future.
Dear, can you please tell me a little more about this “second wife”, threesome situation? When did it first enter your relationships? How did it come about? How do you feel about it?
I feel like we know so much of what your BPD husband wants, and so little of what you want... .

Last year I acted out of fear and a belief that his reality was truth, now I know today that it is not.  When he reverted back to his old self those few days ago, I amazed myself.  I didn't cower, I didn't get angry, I didn't feel any sort of fear.

First night I met him, my girlfriend and I hooked up with him.  I was more liberated with my sexuality and I had felt fully recovered from a previous bad relationship.  I was on top of the world.  Couple years in, the abuse started.  I made excuses, a lot.  Our relationship wasn't normal from the start, but back then, I liked the excitement and I was in it to have fun.  He even said himself, he hasn't changed, but I have.  He still has that mentality where he wants variety so he doesn't get bored, he didn't sign up for a monogamous relationship, he told me he wanted a big family.

I may have been able to bring the situation back to reality, but the truth is I am still hurt and upset.  I was getting ready for classes yesterday.  I was doing my make up and thought I had something on my neck, I tried to rub it off.  I only then discovered they were bruises.  They are where my necklace is.  The reality I am currently in is, I need to keep my focus on my kids and my studies.  I am not in a place financially or spiritually to make any drastic changes.

I don't care who really judges me on this, but I am kind of staying where I am at, because I need him.  I need his help paying for bills/rent, I need him to watch the kids when I go to class.  I hate having to just "deal with it", but I have my eye on what my future holds.  I am on financial aid probation, so if my grades drop, I lose all financial assistance and my dreams will be crushed.  I kind of feel like one of those women that makes excuses for why they have a black eye.

As I read the replies and even what I wrote, I think this r/s really isn't going to last. He really hasn't changed, but I have.  I have matured, I have accepted certain realities, I have set a goal for myself because I am in such a better place.  I have tried to apply the tools here, I have tried reading and understanding, I have fought him to go to counseling and take medication.  My truth is, I do not deserve to be treated this way, no matter how horrible his childhood was.  How long should I have to keep paying for other people abusing him?

[Cat Familiar]

You've made some very positive changes in yourself and in your relationship. Whether or not this relationship lasts in years to come, currently you have responsibilities and commitments with school and you are doing your best to keep things calm and under control. 

When you finish with your studies and have your degree, then you can reevaluate whether you want to remain in your marriage. For now, you are using the tools and holding fast to your dream for the future.

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankee,

I don't judge you. I get it. You feel like your options are currently limited and you are doing the best you can with what you have.

To this day I have people who still judge me because I didn't leave my situation sooner (and the two times I did go to a dv shelter, I ended up going back). Victim blaming is unfortunately still going on in society and legal settings.

I didn't know how to do it by myself. I didn't know how I was going to pay bills or get childcare. I felt trapped and really helpless. The shelter didn't give me the support for these issues that I needed. Basically they left me to deal with the financial, childcare and transportation problems to solve on my own, all while dealing with the magnitude of the depression and trauma.

Many people don't understand what it's like to be stuck like that. CPS didn't understand it. They removed my children from my custody citing "neglect" and my "failure to protect" my children from exposure to domestic violence. They never gave me any alternative for my situation, they just took my kids because I was being abused and couldn't stop it. It's been six years and I still don't have them back.

So no, I don't judge you. Situations like this are complex, not cut and dried, black and white.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

This topic has reached the maximum length and now is locked. The thread continues in part 2.