Being alone is hard

[JNChell]

It’s hard to be alone. I’m not good at it. I don’t like it. It’s necessary, though. Individual work means being alone. I miss it all. I hate this loneliness. The weekends are the worst. Especially when I don’t have S4.  I’m void of everything I used to do. I just ruminate now. So much is at the surface.

[zachira]

Being alone is painful and hard, yet you are doing the courageous work of learning from your past relationship and what it will take to have a happy relationship in the future. How have you changed since ending your last relationship? What would you like to have in your next relationship that is similar/different to what you had in your last relationship? Surely there are great things that you miss which you shared with your ex at one time and other things that you would not want to experience in a new relationship. What kinds of people do you enjoy as friends, and what activities do you like to do alone or with others?

[hope2727]

It gets better I promise. Then one day you will come home, flop down in your comfy chair, sigh and say "wow it was peopley out there today". And that is when you will know you have healed. When your own company is better than the random lousy company of others you are strong. Then you may end up in the "people ewwww" category when you get invited to things. It will come I promise.

[JNChell]

Hi, zachira. Thank you so much for your insight and kindness. I appreciate your questions. Honestly, I’m quite exhausted to be able to answer them. I simply don’t know at the moment. A romantic relationship doesn’t even fit with my reality right now. I’m not sure that it ever will again.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Hope. I think I understand what you’re saying. Thank you for the encouragement. Change is hard sometimes. It can be tiring, emotional and foreign. Thank you for chiming in. I like your avatar. I’m a picker.

[zachira]

It is understandable that right now you don't feel like answering my questions. It sounds like you are feeling somewhat hopeless about being able to have a healthy relationship. First we have to heal from all the devastation of a bad relationship. I learned years ago a wonderful lesson from a boyfriend who went way above board to help me with my feelings after he ended the relationship. The bad feelings sting because we hurt so much, especially when our ex seems to be completely unaware of how he/she hurt us, and does not seem to care. Good people will treat you well under the worst of circumstances, and the ones not worthy of our time just seem to want to inflict their unhappiness on others.

[hope2727]

Hey I am happy to meet a fellow picker although I have never heard that expression before. I can say that when I am at my lowest and feel lonely my guitar is my salvation. I can be in the WORST head space and my rule is that I must play 10 minutes before I reach out to anyone. Well 9/10 times 10 minutes turns into 30 and I end up laughing at myself and icing my aching wrist. I am not accomplished by any means but I do love my instrument. Maybe you could try something similar.

And yes... .alone has very challenging components. I struggle with them too at times. You are not alone and you will be stronger for the solo journey.

[JNChell]

Hi again, z. Insomnia is keeping me company tonight and not being much of a friend, so I’ll respond to you.

I do feel hopeless when it comes to having a successful romantic relationship. It’s saddening because I know what I poses inside, but I don’t currently feel that it matters. There will be so much to explain to a potential partner, and I just know that it will scare her away when it reaches the point of opening up. Relationships aren’t like this community where we all understand and get each other. At least not from what I’ve experienced. This place is very special. It’s meaningful in a way that I’ve never experienced. Sometimes I wish that it wasn’t so anonymous, but I understand the reasons why and the importance behind those reasons. I guess that the hopelessness comes from a place of doubt. I doubt that I will ever meet a woman out here that gets it. Does that make sense?

[JNChell]

 hope. You know, my T has been encouraging me to pick up the guitar more. I used to play for crowds a lot. In bands and solo. Now, it’s not uncommon for me to go a couple of weeks without even touching the strings. I do, however, really like what you’ve put into practice. Playing before reaching out. I like this a lot. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Tara Brach, but she recommends taking a “sacred pause” before reacting or reaching out. Why not make it musical? Yeah? I like how you think.

[hope2727]

JNChell I like that concept. I am highly scattered with my musical learning according to my music teacher. Well according to everyone in truth. I am currently working on the Spanish lyric version of chasing cars by sun and moon. I am trying to figure out the music. But i love anything i can pick. Unfortunately I am cursed with fat fingers so I struggle to not touch 2 strings at once but I am working on it. I have a big book of other pieces I am working away on. What are some of your favourites?

[gotbushels]

JNChell  

Haha I had to come in on the title.    I get you, brother.

I still do self-care like go to movies alone after work. I didn't to do it often before the relationship with my ex BP, and it could be quite lonely because there would be times when there were a lot of couples around me. I felt a lot of the 'eyes on my neck' thing.

It was pretty tough for me during those times, I wish I had some tips, so I'd like to share a few things.  

It helped me to remember dysregulations with my ex--that's strange maybe. I compared and contrasted it with the utter peace I had without her, and it helped me almost leap into observation and 'the moment'. Noticing seemed to become an escape from the reality I was once in, into the reality I am presently in.

I remember times I would stretch out in the seats or relax my neck and back while dining out. My favourite is probably making 'bed sheet angels' with my clean sheets. Bliss. Sleep deprivation was in my relationship with the pwBPD, so the bed holds a special place in my heart rofl. 4 years forward, and I still use this memory. The thing about the abuse issues in this area of my life is that the're quite jarring and indelible. That turned out to be a benefit because the shocking nature of it seems to help my body remember what pain was like, and when I notice that I'm alone, the peace takes on an almost breathtaking quality. I highly recommend it--I think it's a great way to move mindfulness into pleasure.

It helped me to remember that just because I'm single, it doesn't mean I'm less of a person. You can use whatever you need to buttress this idea. Get imaginative. Of course, spirituality I found helps a lot--largely because God is infinite, whereas people are not. It may help you to pick a verse that speaks to you--I like Psalm 23.

It helped me to keep a sense of humour, and to see that not every day has to be I'm-an-amazing-single-guy day. There'll be up days and down days, and that's still okay.  

[zachira]

I am hearing that you want your next partner to understand what you have been through with your ex. It is important to be healed from most of the hurt from your past relationship before you take on a new one. Disclosing a lot about a past relationship that has gone bad will only hurt your next relationship. You want to be understood by your partner, which is really more about what is happening in the moment. You are not defined by having a relationship that ended badly. You are indeed courageous to take a look at what went wrong and taking time to grieve. The grieving is hard and long, yet you will emerge a better person and able to be a better partner and be an example to your son on how to have a healthy relationship. Can you tell us more about what is making you feel so badly? The equivalent of a man's fist for a woman is her mouth. Women can inflict incredible amounts of verbal abuse on a man which can be way more damaging than physical abuse because the abuse is not visible. Keep posting as we are here to listen and will try to help. There will come a point when the jar will be empty of most of the bad feelings and you will indeed move on to greener pastures.

[once removed]

with regard to being alone, do you mean not in a romantic relationship, or isolated from other people? both?

[Tsultan]

JNChell 

I am sorry for your pain of being lonely. 

Sounds like a good dose of doing something good for yourself is in order.

I drove myself to this scenic park, built back in President Rosevelt's new deal era, that sits on the water's edge located on one of the great lakes in UPNY.  The park organization builds a fire in this lovely open fire place every weekend for anyone to enjoy.  The lodge has lots of windows that overlook the water.  Picture this... .enjoying the crackling sounds and smell of a wood fire, while looking out at the crashing waves 100 yards away.  Oh does it get any better?  I brought a favorite picnic basket and had a late lunch at the lodge.  It was 19 degrees out, took a 25 min. walk by the water.  While I was there, a few people came in and everyone was so friendly.  One kind woman gave me some gem stones as a gift.  Tiger's eye, moonstone and a few others.  I find that when I do things by myself, people are much more apt to start a conversation with me than when I was with a bf.  I like that side effect of being alone. 

I find something that makes me feel happy or recharges my soul.  For me it's being out in nature. 

It does get easier.  I would not have believed that in a million years.  I used to have this slightly overwhelming feeling of anxiety when I was by myself at home.  I am not good at staying home and being by myself made it worse.  That anxiety is diminishing. 

When I get lonely I take care of myself by calling a friend or a family member and do something. 

 
Blue gill

[JNChell]

Hi, gotbushels. Thanks for the advice. I will be trying it out. It’s not even the feelings that are the worst anymore. It’s being stuck in them. Your feedback is helpful.

[JNChell]

 zachira. It’s not so much that I would want to reveal everything about my relationship with S4’s mom to a potential partner, it’s that I feel that I would be responsible to come clean about myself. I became very emotionally unwell while in that relationship. I hit some very dark times and some very extreme things played out. Things that will have to be brought to light. Nothing criminal or of that nature, but very self destructive.

I guess that I would want a potential partner to know about and try to understand how my childhood has played such a big part in my adult life, and when the time is right that woman will understand that yes, I’ve been through dark times, but understands that I’ve put the work in and that I’m self aware. That I’ve taken the proper measures to be a healthy individual. Right now, I’m not confident that a potential partner will want much to do with me.

I accept and understand that I need to have this stuff under wraps before I should consider seeking romance again. I totally get that. I don’t want to short anyone.

I like how you described women’s mouths being fists to men’s faces. In my experience, this is true. In a previous relationship, I got the actual fist at times coupled with the words. A 110 pounder can pack a wallop on a 200 pound man. I still remember my vision going out for a second or two.

Thank you, z. I will keep posting. The support means a lot.

[JNChell]

Good evening, once removed. It’s a bit of both. You know, it feels really good to just sit in the same room with my best friend and binge watch Netflix without much being said sometimes. I think that we both enjoy each other’s company. We also have very relatable conversations. We’re best friends. That’s what really matters.

My circle of friends has become quite small. I’m ok with that. I removed some people from my life over time, and I’m better for it. My friends have their own busy schedules and family issues to tend to. We’re not always available for each other and I understand that. It’s called adulting.  Yes, that side of things can become lonely. It’s not isolation. It’s taking care of responsibilities first, I suppose. Any free time at the back end is open.

I’ve been missing romance like nobody’s business lately. I’ve been craving it. It’s been a good place to practice delayed gratification. Not that there is a prospect in play, but that I’m not really trying to find one. I’m not only speaking about sex. I’m talking about deeper things. I’m sorry if my words seem shallow. I’m just trying to describe the situation.

I feel very lonely when it comes to not having a female companion to share with. Again, delayed gratification. Digging deeper, as zachira has stated, I’m simply not ready yet. That is truth, but I feel how I feel.

[JNChell]

Hi there, Bluegill.  Thank you for your words. It’s been hard to go out on my own to do things like that. I mean, I’m not a shut in, so to speak. I’m reaching out more in being sociable again during social exchanges. Maybe it’s a confidence/self esteem thing. I don’t know. I’m trying to figure that out.

I just know that I don’t do well with being alone. I know that it’s steeped in my childhood, but regardless of that, it’s how I feel. Do the feelings equal facts? A bit. Yes they do. I’m searching for why the feelings equal facts. I already know the answers, it just hasn’t sunk in yet. Sometimes, I think, we’re not too far off from the counterparts that lead us to this community. Obviously, we possess some very important skills that are the divide, but some of us aren’t very different.

Thank you for painting that beautiful picture. I could see it pretty well.

This was a ramble. I’m sorry for that.

[Tsultan]

JNChell,

No apologies needed for rambling.  I am here to listen for as long as it takes. 

I wasn't alone in my 24 yr marriage but I lonely.  I had to let go of the illusion that I had a family (my dream).  I had to grieve my dream of having a family.  Still am at times.
My exH BPD or whatever he was, wouldn't let any walls down.  I did a lot of stuff on my own when I was married.  Maybe that's why it's not so hard now.

I agree, we are all alike in many ways.  Same stories different characters. 

I am with you 100% in that it's childhood stuff.  Those early experiences shape us.  In the good ways too.

I have an attachment style formed from my mom and dad.  I think it's a slightly anxious attachment style.  I get attached to people AND stuff.  It's how I'm built. 

I have an attachment story if you want to listen:  I got attached to my broken down rusty old swing set.  My parents wanted to throw it away and I remember pleading with them.  "No!  You can't throw that away, that's where my brother and I held our Charlie Brown Club!"  They didn't listen to me.  It was a very sad day... . 

I am not very good at letting go of people and things.  That's why I am STILL struggling at times with not letting go of my exBPDbf.  I just texted him a friendly text 2 days ago.   I need to stop.  I feel like I am not respecting his boundaries.  If he isn't answering then he doesn't want to talk to me.  That bothers me about myself.  I should respect his wishes.

Good night,
Bluegill

[snappybrowneyes]

It gets better I promise. Then one day you will come home, flop down in your comfy chair, sigh and say "wow it was peopley out there today". And that is when you will know you have healed. When your own company is better than the random lousy company of others you are strong. Then you may end up in the "people ewwww" category when you get invited to things. It will come I promise.

Getting to this stage was the best thing I ever could have done for myself! Life is pretty darn great these days and I love my alone time!

[hope2727]

Getting to this stage was the best thing I ever could have done for myself! Life is pretty darn great these days and I love my alone time!

Yes because when we get to this stage we refuse lousy company for companies sake and refine our taste to allow only the best of people into our life.

[JNChell]

Hi, BG.

That little family became my dream. I was in my late 30’s and pretty much ruled out a child. Well, that happened. The family was four. A daughter from her previous relationship, our Son and us. I was so stupid. I dove in. I didn’t take any time to get to know her. The feelings were surreal. There was no logic though. No fact finding. I bought her deal in a short amount of time over how I felt. She profited on the back end as well.

Bluegill, you’ll contact him until you don’t. It is childhood stuff. It also hurts when relationships fail. Especially when understanding that it’s childhood stuff.

[gotbushels]

How's it going on the keeping your own company thing JNChell?  

[JNChell]

GB, still difficult. It is what it is. Thank you for asking.