Need to vent

[ziniztar]

I've been very active on this forum while I was in a r/s with my exdBPD in 2013/2014. I also started therapy and started my journey of recovery. Many times I had the ‘victim – surviver – thriver’ path in the back of my head, aiming to get to thriver. I feel I was there; in a r/s with someone that despite his avoidant personality disorder is a really nice, sweet and hardworking guy determined to get this out of our system in therapy. We moved, bought a nice house with a garden, and I gave birth to our beautiful son last September. I felt I was thriving!

Last December however my father got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. My mother had already passed away when I was 5 years old, so all the trauma from back then is coming back with me and my siblings. After a few weeks of closeness, my father starts feeling better and his NPD and paranoia returns in full swing, probably activated by his fear of his nearing death.

The emotional pain I’m feeling again is excruciating. He is manipulating me and my brothers whilst expecting us to take over his business so he still has an income. He doesn’t have any pension anywhere. The house needs to be sold. Meanwhile I’m being manipulated into being the Golden Child, something I now recognize after being in therapy for 4 years.

Added complexity is that in the family business I need to work with my brother, who, by all means, has an undiagnosed paranoid personality disorder. I’m back in regular therapy again to manage through this but... jezus. I thought I had left all this pain and agony behind. I feel isolated because I barely know anyone in real life that has gone through this, and understands the finesse with which the manipulation takes place.

It hurts to slowly realize that my father has never loved me, and that the painful bond I have with my siblings is carefully constructed by him. And that, literally, during the ages 5 and 28, no one has loved me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey zinizitar, It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are under a lot of pressure.  Have you thought about how you might be able to manage or limit the stress?  Are you doing anything to relieve the pressure?

  In what way to you think your current situation may connect to, or remind you of, your r/s with your BPDEx?  Presumably there is something similar about it.

LuckyJim

[Harri]

Hi. 

Joining with Lucky Jim here in saying it sounds like you are dealing with a lot now.   I am so sorry to hear about your father's illness, the expectations placed on you and the resurfacing of a lot of pain.

Your use of the victim, survivor, and thriver terms caught my attention as we refer to our survivors manual and survivors guide a lot over on the PSI (parent sibling and in-law) board.  Have you ever checked it out?  I am wondering if it might help you sort of center yourself and focus while dealing with all the different and moving parts that are involved when dealing with FOO (family of origin) issues.  It is here if you want to take a look:  Survivor to Thriver program  each item is clickable. 

It hurts to slowly realize that my father has never loved me, and that the painful bond I have with my siblings is carefully constructed by him. And that, literally, during the ages 5 and 28, no one has loved me.

These are some seriously heavy and painful realizations.  Do you want to talk about them here or over on PSI (parent, sibling and In-Law)?

I felt I was thriving!... .I feel isolated because I barely know anyone in real life that has gone through this, and understands the finesse with which the manipulation takes place.

We get it here and I am glad you reached out to us.  One other thing I do want to say is you are still thriving IMO (though I very much understand your feeling... .at least I think I do).  Often when we have healed and made progress in our recovery old stuff surfaces as certain life events take place.  As much as it may suck, it is an opportunity to work on remnants of stuff that is still lingering.  It happens to me a lot and I find if I look at it more as an opportunity to heal more it is easier for me to accept.  Yes?  No?  Do you think that applies to what is going on right now?

[Mutt]

Hi zinzitar,

We get it here and I am glad you reached out to us.  One other thing I do want to say is you are still thriving IMO (though I very much understand your feeling... .at least I think I do).  Often when we have healed and made progress in our recovery old stuff surfaces as certain life events take place

I agree with Lucky Jim and Harri with taking really good care of yourself when there are periods like that feel like they come out of nowhere. You can feel like everything is behind and it is but I think that when the drama starts up again you don’t want to go back to where you were before because you recall how emotionally exhausting all of the drama is.

I find that turning to people here that get dysfunctional family dynamics, mental illness, personality disorders helps. I wonder if you might benefit from a session with your T? When was the last time that you saw him or her? Hang in there.