Long time lurker but first time poster. New marriage already on the rocks :(

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone. I’m a long time lurker but first time poster. Not really sure what I’m seeking at this stage but you all seem so lovely and supportive.

Basically I’ve only been married for a year and my husbands BPD has finally taken its toll on me. His behaviours have gotten much better, but with some recent spikes over the holiday period combined with my history of five years of putting up with this, it’s like I’m completely and irreversibly fed up with all the drama, chaos and just the constant ongoing strange behaviours.

I’ve told my husband this and he’s going to bring it up with his therapist. I don’t believe that he tells his new therapist the extent of his behaviours, so I’m wary that this time will be any different. I love him dearly but it’s hard to be hopeful after being let down so many times.

He’s only saying perfunctionary things to me at home and over text, not sure if he thinks he’s “punishing” me but to be honest the respite from the drama is quite soothing. I’m feeling happier already.

Not sure what I’m asking/saying, I just wanted to say hi and see whether anyone had any advice or wisdom.

[HappySandra]

Hi everyone. I’m a long time lurker but first time poster. Not really sure what I’m seeking at this stage but you all seem so lovely and supportive.

Basically I’ve only been married for a year and my husbands BPD has finally taken its toll on me. His behaviours have gotten much better, but with some recent spikes over the holiday period combined with my history of five years of putting up with this, it’s like I’m completely and irreversibly fed up with all the drama, chaos and just the constant ongoing strange behaviours.

I’ve told my husband this and he’s going to bring it up with his therapist. I don’t believe that he tells his new therapist the extent of his behaviours, so I’m wary that this time will be any different. I love him dearly but it’s hard to be hopeful after being let down so many times.

He’s only saying perfunctionary things to me at home and over text, not sure if he thinks he’s “punishing” me but to be honest the respite from the drama is quite soothing. I’m feeling happier already.

Not sure what I’m asking/saying, I just wanted to say hi and see whether anyone had any advice or wisdom.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sandb2015]

Welcome HappySandra, 

You’re not alone here which I found out not too long ago myself.

The fact that he is going to therapy is a big plus.

Do you see a therapist? Together?

Don’t be afraid to write here, ask questions, let things out.

[radoe]

Sound like you are on a good path, considering the devastation that comes with BPD.

Seeing a therapist together might help.

BPDs do tend to focus on themselves so be patient.

[Ozzie101]

Hi HappySandra! I'd like to join Fatherpeace and Sandb2015 in welcoming you to the boards. This is a very supportive group and you will find members who have been (or are) where you are and can offer advice and support.

It sounds like you're in a very fed-up place, one I can definitely understand.  My H and I have been married only two years, but his BPD (undiagnosed) has really been in overdrive for about 7 months now and I, too, have felt the "I just can't do this anymore." Living with a pwBPD is emotionally exhausting. That's one reason we recommend self-care. Do you have any hobbies or emotional outlets? A support system of friends and/or family? Those can do a world of good in helping you "recharge." This board can serve as a support system as well -- and a very valuable one. It's been a lifesaver for me.

You mention that your husband is seeing a therapist, which is great. Has he been diagnosed with BPD?

As far as advice and wisdom, there are tools you can use that, over time, can actually make a situation better. Many members here have had success in turning a "hopeless" relationship into a promising one. Could you share details about an incident? That way we might be able to offer more specific advice and point to some tools that might help you.

I'd also recommend you continue poking around in other people's threads. And feel free to jump in. You might actually have some advice that could help someone else!

[HappySandra]

Thanks so much everyone for your replies!

I really am hoping to turn this marriage around but it’s hard to have hope. He’s seeing a psych now, we saw one together years ago prior to his diagnosis and it didn’t go well at all, I think mainly because he didn’t want to be there. Perhaps it would be different now, do you think it’s a good idea we do it?

Some examples of recent behaviours include getting angry at me for being sick, having uncontrollable rages over nothing where his face and voice completely change (I ended up having to walk out of the cafe and leave him there),, a constantly negative and sarcastic tone despite talking about completely benign things, and sort of “dissociating” or vagueing out to the point where he drives through stop signs, drops and breaks everything, and doesn’t respond when I speak to him at least 50% of the time (although not sure if that’s just him being passive eaggressive). He’s also started again telling fibs and lies about things, particularly his past, and becoming ragefull when he’s gently corrected.

All very tiring. Not sure I can cope anymore. The only thing that’s keeping me is that he used to be MUCH MUCH worse (I don’t have the energy to describe the past at the moment), so I’m hoping he will improve but it’s hard when I just feel so fatigued.

I saw a friend today which was great. I want to start doing yoga again as self care xo

xo

[Ozzie101]

It is possible to save a marriage and improve a relationship. Many members here have had success with it. It isn't an easy thing, especially when faced with the attitudes and behaviors you describe.

My husband has also gotten angry at me for health-related issues over which I had no control and raged over nothing. It's a frustrating, hurtful and even scary thing to deal with. 

Good for you on seeing a friend and starting yoga!

Could you give one specific example of one of his "episodes" and how you responded? When we have details, it can help us see which tools might be the most helpful for you.

For starters, though, you might want to check out some of the articles under the Tools tab at the top of the page. The ones on Ending Conflict and Setting Boundaries have been very helpful for me.