Ex Lover an BPD

[Pomilujme]

Hello,

I am a married man, have family and two kids. Parallely with my marriage i had an secret affair with one woman, also married and family (one kid). This affair was not not so intensive in seeing(i was meeting with her 2 times a month). During this affair, during one of the sexual intercourse's i made some move during sex and she acquired an injury of the neck(herniated disk). Also this woman already had, before me, herniated disk in lumbal part of the spine. This injury was an accident and i never wanted to happen, but unfortunately it did. After this injury i had done everything to help her, i have payed (and still paying) her physical exercises in order to get better. But even before this event, this injury i wanted to go out from this relationship because i did not want to be with this woman anymore. But that was not enough. In the start od the relationship this woman was worshiping me and idealizing me and even i enjoyed it, for me it was something wrong. Why should she do it. I am not so ideal. When i told her that i want to leave her, then the hell began. She criticized me all the time, telling me that i destroyed her life, that i am an monster, that my wife was a hippo, ugly swine and all other sorts of insults. On the other side, when she was not criticized me she was promising me love and intimacy and forcing me to get back to her and continue the relationship. I did not want that because i did not want to go back to that woman. I want to keep my family, and this woman was trying to destroy it. I was speaking with my psychiatrist and he suggested, by the behavior of this woman, that she have a BPD and that is why she was firstly idealizing me, and after that criticizing me. I have read several books about this disorder and confirmed that this woman had 60-70% of the symptoms of this disorder. So now, even we are 6 months separated, she is still messaging me and trying to get me back to this relationship, but i do not want to get back. Because of this i started to have panic attacks and high blood pressure. I am seeing my psychiatrist now and he tells me that i cannot help the person with BPD, that she have to seek help by herself and that i should wait because BPD's eventually give up upon non-BP's.   

[Mutt]

Hi Pomilujme,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to find us. There is hope. Read as much as you can about the disorder you’ll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

These r/s’s can be so difficult as you already know they can impact your health. It helps to talk to others that are in a similar situation as you and can offer you guidance and support. You’re not alone.

What is the frequency of her contacting you? Do you respond back?

No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way

[Pomilujme]

Hi,

Thank you for the answer. The frequency is not really established. There were pause of two months and then monthly she contacted me and this was at that time acceptable for me and i could control it. The last time she contacted me via messages was on Christmas day, because she knew how important is this day for me and my family and she made some heavy accusations and criticism on me and my wife calling me monster, satan and calling my wife names you could not imagine and after that she is contacting me every 4 days, via messages. After this contact on xmas day, from that day i started to have problems with heaviness in my chest, breading, tension, fear and high blood pressure. I do not see other way of solving this situation is to make a risk and go with the NoContact strategy. There is no way that something reasonable could be made with this person. Whatever i do it will not be enough. It is bottomless pit unfortunately. As a solution to my problem i started to see psychiatrist once a week, started to change some of my eating habits to eat healthier food, i walk more, maybe i will find some physical exercises to to. The main thing is not to think about this person because my emotions start to emerge, and this emotions are not pleasant at all. When i only think of her or when only i see the message i feel the tension, fear and my hearth start bumping hard and this is something that is currently beyond my control and something which i should work on. To take care of myself.

[Mutt]

NC is self protect room a tool that will give you the distance and time that you need to heal yourself. I’m glad to hear that you’re talking to a P. I wouldn’t sugggest to try to forget, I would suggest to get your story out. It helps to talk.

Working out is a good idea it will help with anxiety ( no contact wil help with your feelings although it’s tough at first so is starting a gym routine   ) it will boost your mood, give you more energy, boost your self esteem, helps with cognitive functions, sleep better etc... .

[Pomilujme]

It really helped to talk with someone. As this was, unfortunately, my secret affair, i have felt the isolation for not being able to share this story with someone and I've felt lost in the moment . After first seance with psychiatrist i felt relief and all my symptoms were gone days after that, till the new contact via messaging. Then i have realized that for me it is impossible to keep in touch with her, as it was enough only to think about her and then pow! - tension and all the symptoms I've mentioned. That is very strange, i have never had experience like this, not being able to control emotional response and response of my body.

[Mutt]

I compmerely understand the emotional response to FOG ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt ) it’s a powerful emotion. The good news is with no contact or minimal contact it gets better you can get to a point where it doesn’t affect you but it takes time.