Door Finally Shut Forever after 8 years

[Door Closed]

I have returned to this site - my mostly on again, sometimes off again nearly 8 year relationship finally ended for good.  How do I know for sure since we had about 20 breakups over these years?  Because he out of nowhere exploded into a profanity filled rage at my and my daughter at Christmas Eve dinner at my home, my daughter ordered him to leave, and after that he called my daughter unspeakable names in a text.  Language I could NEVER overlook or forgive.  It has occurred to me that he did this intentionally, knowing I would never want him back.  After years of an intimate relationship, including being engaged, and after enduring his suddenly, repeatedly, ceasing all communication for weeks, or months, I have to face the fact that I have to turn my back on almost 8 years of loving and being devoted to a man who is really impaired, and who wants to do nothing about it.  I run the risk of seeing him in town - at church, where we worshipped together every Sunday, or the supermarket.  I am alone when I am not working.  My daughters are grown and away at school.  How do I get myself to accept that I have wasted 8 years?  I am 57 years old and truly don't see myself ever trusting a man - or myself- again.

[Mutt]

Hi Door Closed,



I’m glad that you decided to rejoin us. The holidays were not that long ago that sounds like a really stressful time for you and your family. I’m sorry to hear about your D and how she was treating by her Dad.

Eight years is a long history with someone I’m sure that there were positive things that happened over the last eight years? Not everyone is going treat you like he treated you. It’s a good idea to analyze the r/s and the break up to heal and to identify how we would make different choices in the next r/s.

Who ended it for good? You didn’t say I ended it you said it ended. What happened?

[Red5]

I run the risk of seeing him in town - at church, where we worshipped together every Sunday, or the supermarket.

I can relate to these as well Door Closed,

*married eight years,
*I’ll be fifty three next month
*breakup was child related, abusive.

Keep Posting!

Red5

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Door Closed,

I can relate to how you feel. I have been NC with my uBPDh for four months. We were together eight years. I am trying to get up the nerve to file for divorce. The relationship was abusive, and, like you, I feel like I wasted eight years. I feel like my life would be so different... .if things had turned out differently... .

I am 41 years old and I cannot at this time even fathom ever being in another relationship. I would much rather be alone.

The only thing I can think of to salvage from my experience is the experience itself. Because of what I went through, I learned things about myself, about disordered people, about abusive people, about unhealthy relationship dynamics that I might never have learned any other way. And if nothing else, I can now provide some support to others in similar circumstances, even if it's just to let people like you know that you are not alone.

Sometimes that may be all I have to offer... .but I offer it, and in that small way I feel that my experience wasn't wasted.

We are here to listen.

Redeemed

[Mindfried]

Hi Door Closed,

Since you go to church you know when god shuts one door he opens another. 8 years is a long time but it was not wasted. It was part of the journey you were supposed to take. New beginnings are ahead for you so try and be excited about the amazing possibilities that are in front of you and keep moving forward.

[Panda39]

No relationship is wasted time, it is lessons learned.

What are some things you think you have learned from this experience?

Panda39

[mama-wolf]

Welcome, Door Closed, and I'm so sorry for what you have gone through.

I am 41 years old and I cannot at this time even fathom ever being in another relationship. I would much rather be alone.

Same on my end... .Same age (41) and the idea of being in a relationship is a total no-go for me.  I don't know that I truly prefer to be alone for the rest of my life, but I also don't see how I can ever let someone else get close to me in that way again.  As between being alone and what feels like a deadly threat to my core being (which already feels so damaged)... .right now there is no choice to be made.

The only thing that keeps me from feeling like my 15-year relationship (11-year marriage) was a waste is the two wonderful kids that came from it.   But that's a double-edged sword, because in place of the regret I carry a boatload of guilt for what they have been through and will continue to go through in the years to come.

As Redeemed mentioned, it does also help to know that the experiences I have had can in some way be helpful to others.

I hope you will feel up for filling us in on things.  You will find many here who have been through similar experiences and are maybe just a little farther down the same path--or walking right along side of you.  It can be so helpful to process your own feelings by getting them out on these boards... .and even more helpful to get a few "me too"s and "you're not crazy"s in response.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?  That is so critical at a time like this, and yet it can be the farthest thing from our minds as we get wrapped up in the chaos going on around us... .

mw

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DC,  It's never too late to make a change for the better, so I admire your courage to stand up for yourself.  I predict that your new path will lead to greater happiness, which is what it's all about.  Sometimes a clear sign, like that Christmas Eve dinner, is helpful after years of muddling through a BPD r/s.  I should know, as I was married to a pwBPD for 16 years!

LuckyJim

[hurtguy2014]

I am also in a simliar situation with a lot of you. I recently (five month ago) seperated from my UD-BPD wife. The abuse got out of hand and I had to file a restraining order against her which was granted. I also gained full custody of my daughter and my ex got supervised visitation. We are three months into the divorce proceedings and its going very slowly. I agree with a lot of you and do not fill like starting any new relationships for the near future (perhaps in four or five years when my daughter turns 15).

[WindofChange]

Hi Door Closed. You've taken a brave step, good for you! I totally get it. I am trying to end a 7 year relationship (again) myself. I am so sorry because I know it's painful. Good for you that you're back on this site. I know from past experience that people are wonderfully supportive and understanding. Give yourself some time to process everything, it's a big step and you'll go through many different emotions. But keep posting and keeping people informed. They are so encouraging and will lift you up when you're down.

[Door Closed]

Well, I just came back onto this site after nearly a year- I am Door CLosed.  After NO contact for over 8 months, and my blocking him and his entire family on FB so they would not find out my father passed away, he texted.  I did not reply.  He texted again - no reply.  He called - I did not answer.  He came over to my home! I was not there.  SO...he found me parked in front of church ready to make a visit.  He walked up to my car and after I freaked out for a couple minutes I listened to him.  He got soaked in the rain so I let him in the car.  We talked for an hour. He sobbed at how he was in a bad way, how sorry he was that he was not there for me or my dad.  He left.  He called and asked to speak again.  We talked for hours.  He asked me to have dinner. 

So even though I kept him sort of at arm's length, we saw each other a couple times a week for three months.  SLept together.  But I told no one about this as he burned the bridge so terribly that ALL friends and family would have had me committed.

I still loved him so much.  This wounded, disordered man who has shown me more love and affection than anyone in my life.  ANd had dumped me countless times.

His birthday was approaching on a Wednesday, so Saturday I took him to dinner at our fave restaurant, gave him a handmade card and tickets to Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden, and a generous gift card to the local hardware store toward his snow blower.

His birthday was three days later.  I finally unblocked him on FB as he had been asking when I would.  That day he did not respond to my several texts and three phone calls.

That was IT, folks.  And suddenly, a mere 6 weeks later, for this first time in four years, he changed his profile picture and it was him with another woman.  He made this very open declaration he is part of a couple again, first time in 9 years since we met.

I ask myself WHY did I return to spending time with him, sleeping with him? WHY?

So, friends have mentioned they see the two of them all over town.  I am back to avoiding my parish, the grocery store, restaurants for fear I see them.  It would shatter me.

I have decided to move across country back to my hometown after 36 years.  The unhappiness has driven me to it.

Folks, I am an optimist.  I am a chronic forgiver.  DO NOT BE LIKE ME.

[SinisterComplex]

So I am going to offer up that you continue to vent and post here. Don't be so damn hard on yourself either. Seriously. Be kinder to yourself. Being optimistic is never a bad thing. Don't go changing that. More importantly chastising yourself for being a chronic forgiver...STOP IT! Forgiveness is a strength. Not a weakness. If you have the power to forgive then you have the strength to succeed, learn, grow, and evolve.

For the time being...please just take some time to relax, process your emotions, and just decompress.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Butane]

Well, I just came back onto this site after nearly a year- I am Door CLosed.  After NO contact for over 8 months, and my blocking him and his entire family on FB so they would not find out my father passed away, he texted.  I did not reply.  He texted again - no reply.  He called - I did not answer.  He came over to my home! I was not there.  SO...he found me parked in front of church ready to make a visit.  He walked up to my car and after I freaked out for a couple minutes I listened to him.  He got soaked in the rain so I let him in the car.  We talked for an hour. He sobbed at how he was in a bad way, how sorry he was that he was not there for me or my dad.  He left.  He called and asked to speak again.  We talked for hours.  He asked me to have dinner. 

So even though I kept him sort of at arm's length, we saw each other a couple times a week for three months.  SLept together.  But I told no one about this as he burned the bridge so terribly that ALL friends and family would have had me committed.

I still loved him so much.  This wounded, disordered man who has shown me more love and affection than anyone in my life.  ANd had dumped me countless times.

His birthday was approaching on a Wednesday, so Saturday I took him to dinner at our fave restaurant, gave him a handmade card and tickets to Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden, and a generous gift card to the local hardware store toward his snow blower.

His birthday was three days later.  I finally unblocked him on FB as he had been asking when I would.  That day he did not respond to my several texts and three phone calls.

That was IT, folks.  And suddenly, a mere 6 weeks later, for this first time in four years, he changed his profile picture and it was him with another woman.  He made this very open declaration he is part of a couple again, first time in 9 years since we met.

I ask myself WHY did I return to spending time with him, sleeping with him? WHY?

So, friends have mentioned they see the two of them all over town.  I am back to avoiding my parish, the grocery store, restaurants for fear I see them.  It would shatter me.

I have decided to move across country back to my hometown after 36 years.  The unhappiness has driven me to it.

Folks, I am an optimist.  I am a chronic forgiver.  DO NOT BE LIKE ME.

The appalling story above has played out in many people's lives, including mine. In my case, my H and I are together and working on things. My H is, I think, less disordered than yours, and actively seeking to change.

Reading your post about him initiating apologies, promises, hopes and intimacy followed by immediately betraying you, makes me feels sick. And pretty angry! I hope you allow yourself to feel angry, and use that anger to propel you towards a better life. Before my angry phase, I felt that I was human garbage, a wounded animal that could never recover, and like nothing in life made sense... I felt crazy and damaged.

I remember one of the audio books I listened to over and over, early in my recovery, about "living and loving after betrayal". The author said to remind yourself regularly that YOU are not damaged. Your RELATIONSHIP was damaged, but YOU as a person, are not damaged goods. You still have all your good qualities intact, and the longer you don't need to be around the other person, the more you will realize that.

Also, you get the chance to focus on the most important relationship of your life, which is the one you have with yourself. It feels really good to be your own best friend, to be free and light, and not be the caretaker for a disordered person.

As for beating yourself up about WHY, WHY, WHY you let him back in... you did it because you are a loving, non-disordered person who would never behave that way yourself. Because you'd never behave that way yourself, you have a hard time understanding how someone else could... again, you are not a disordered, unwell person, but he is.

[Bhs]

DC,
While I agree it does little good to beat yourself up about being forgiving and giving second changes, I think you should definitely consider why you didn't protect yourself.  I know this is not always a popular opinion but my experience is that the ability to move beyond this betrayal and create a heathier life for yourself rests on changing your behavior which requires becoming aware of why you stayed so long and re-engaged with a person who had hurt you before this latest episode. I think the issues our partners have are different than the ones many of us have...by us I mean the people posting who are recovering from these relationships.  However, there are reasons we stay - reasons why we continually forgive - and reasons why we continue to hope that the future with our partners will be different than the past despite numerous instances of betrayal and very little evidence that our partners have done the work necessary to change. Why do we continually let hope cloud observation and experience?  I have come to believe that in some instances hope and forgiveness can be pathological.


There are many "healthy" people who get involved with partners who have emotional/character disturbances - but they leave after the first or second "round"...they don't hang around for years waiting and hoping for things to change.  Healthy people protect themselves. Many of us on these boards don't know how to demonstrate the same level of empathy for ourselves as we do towards our partners. So...to a certain extent, remaining in a long-term relationship with an emotionally abusive partner is dsyfunctional.  When we project the source of our pain onto our partners we lose the ability to discover the parts of us that need healing. As a wise colleague once told me...if you are tired of being a doormat - get off the floor.

I read many posts that reinforce the idea that "we" are just extremely loving and forgiving people who have been taken advantage of by disordered people.  Some of that is true, but unless this is the first instance of "disordered" behavior, we need to ask ourselves - why did we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of again? I have a friend going through a breakup similar to one I went through a year ago...she continually insists she is a victim and her ubpdex was a liar.  I told her the other day...you knew he was lying to you 4 years ago and you stayed...you believed him despite years of evidence to the contrary. The point isn't that he lied to you - the point is that you lied to yourself. You can't control his behavior but you can change yours but that will never happen if all your time and attention is spent denying your complicity in your own pain.

So I think you are on the right track in taking a long, hard look at why you are so forgiving. Being forgiving and loving is not a virtue when it destroys you emotionally and there is a high probability that you need to learn to be more discerning when it comes to who you forgive and who you grant a second chance to. If you focus on figuring out your own dysfunction you are on the path of never having to endure this again.  This pain can be a catalyst to contending with a much deeper wound that can be healed.  If you do the work - which is likely to take a long time and be a source of continued emotional upset - you will emerge on the other side as a stronger person who has the skills and tools necessary to protect yourself from every being hurt like this again. You don't need to become a closed off person who never forgives but you likely need to be much more discerning in determing what kind of people you let into your life. This experience IS about you and your dysfunctional behaviors.  The good news is - you can change yourself.

[Door Closed]

This is Door Closed.  I am so incredibly moved by the supportive comments here.  I know you all truly understand the pain and loss I am experiencing.  It has been so terribly difficult to deeply love and give yourself completely to a very wounded and disordered person.  I will always love this man and NO one in my life can fathom why-  in fact they have said very disparraging things about him.  They never saw the loving, giving selfless side of him that i knew so well.

It is hard to let go. The reasons I am staying afloat is I rely greatly on God and have a deep prayer life.  I also have a fabulous therapist.  She started working with me over 2 years ago in fact she saw both of us for awhile so she is very familiar with his ways.

I am certain I will be less lonely moving back to my hometown, but its hard to pack up my beautiful home- where I thought we would live together once married.  I know it will be a roller coaster of emotions.  YOur responses are so helpful and I feel like I have virtual friends who care and understand. Thank you for your thoughtful advice!

[Sluggo]

where I thought we would live together once married.

Hardest part for me is the unrealized dreams.  The false hope.  I held on to the false hope so tightly, I never wanted to let go.  Then I heard this story... and helped move me a little closer to releasing my grip on false hope... maybe it might speak to you:  

The Pearl Necklace

The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting
with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening
white pearls in a pink foil box. "Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them?
Please, Mommy, please?"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked
back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.
"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them,
I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough
money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might
get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted
out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she
went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for
ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and
at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls.  They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore
them everywhere - Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she
took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if
they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed,
he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story.
One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."
"Then give me your pearls."
"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess - the white horse
 from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one
 you gave me. She's my favorite."

"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek
 with a kiss."

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again,
 "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."
"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new
 one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow
 blanket that  matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you"
 And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed
with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin
was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when
she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she
finally said, "Here, Daddy.  It's for you." With tears gathering in his own
eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store
necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a
blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He
had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store
stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap
things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasure.  Isn't God
good? Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of.  Are
you holding on to harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits
and activities which you have come so attached to that it seems impossible
to let go? Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do
believe this one thing... God will never take away something
without giving you something better in its place.

[Door Closed]

Hi SInisterComplex.  Thanks for your encouragement.  YOu are right - forgiveness is a strength.  I am deeply grateful I can forgive and I do not have anger toward people.  I have gone through a lot of personal losses in the last few years and I harbor no anger - I find great comfort in praying for those who I have lost (including 2 young adult daughters).  I do tire of losing people in my innermost circle.   At one point a few years back, there were 4 people in my inner circle who are really troubled - ex H, two daughters (all have NPD) and my partner w BPD.  Life was walking on eggshells at all times and filled with stress and pain and anxiety each day.  All 4 are now out of my life and although I am lonely at times, I no longer have the horrible stress in my home. To combat the loneliness I am moving back to my hometown.  Hoping it will bring me peace and happiness.  Thanks again.

[Door Closed]

Sluggo - thank you for the beautiful story.  I need to not hold back my very best, my most precious from our Heavenly Father! Your kindness in posting the story is greatly appreciated!

[SinisterComplex]

Hi SInisterComplex.  Thanks for your encouragement.  YOu are right - forgiveness is a strength.  I am deeply grateful I can forgive and I do not have anger toward people.  I have gone through a lot of personal losses in the last few years and I harbor no anger - I find great comfort in praying for those who I have lost (including 2 young adult daughters).  I do tire of losing people in my innermost circle.   At one point a few years back, there were 4 people in my inner circle who are really troubled - ex H, two daughters (all have NPD) and my partner w BPD.  Life was walking on eggshells at all times and filled with stress and pain and anxiety each day.  All 4 are now out of my life and although I am lonely at times, I no longer have the horrible stress in my home. To combat the loneliness I am moving back to my hometown.  Hoping it will bring me peace and happiness.  Thanks again.

I think too often a time many people forget that love and forgiveness are intertwined. In essence, you cannot love if you do not know how to forgive. You cannot forgive if you never loved. The point is to understand that they do indeed go hand in hand. However, forgiving doesn't mean you forget. Holding onto hatred actually just keeps you tied to the person who wronged you. This is not necessarily directed at you as you have shown you truly grasp this concept. This is more so intended for general purposes.

I am pretty sure every human grows tired of losing people in their inner circle. It sucks. There is no easy way to put it or eloquent way to which I can spin it into a positive. Loss is just a natural process, but it does serve it's purpose of making you grow stronger. Life is all about constant change, growth, and evolution. Life is like a river...it only flows one way (hence why the saying go with the flow was coined) To remain stagnant is to defeat the purpose of life.

Always remember you are your own best company. When you are truly happy and comfortable with yourself it is impossible to feel lonely. Focus on outcome independence. This isn't something I expect you will find easy. The point is that moving back won't necessarily bring you peace and happiness. You have to internally find that yourself. Loneliness isn't something you combat. Let it in and process it. Have a dialogue with yourself...ask yourself why am I lonely? Why do I feel the way I feel? What do I really want out of life? How can put myself into a position so I don't think and feel this way?

Just offering some food for thought for you. What you do with that is up to you. You have to find your own way and do it on your own timeline. So Do You and I can only hope that perhaps I may have helped stimulate positive thoughts to get you on the path you want to be on.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Bhs]

I think too often a time many people forget that love and forgiveness are intertwined. In essence, you cannot love if you do not know how to forgive. You cannot forgive if you never loved. The point is to understand that they do indeed go hand in hand. However, forgiving doesn't mean you forget. Holding onto hatred actually just keeps you tied to the person who wronged you. This is not necessarily directed at you as you have shown you truly grasp this concept. This is more so intended for general purposes.

As a person who has been in therapy for quite some time I would like to add that not forgiving is not at all the same thing as holding onto hatred. To conflate those two concepts is irresponsible.  Many psychologists will tell you that the need to "forgive" is what keeps some tied into dysfunctional relationships. 

Recovery is not a one size fits all solution. FWIW, my psychologist told me that urging people who have been emotionally traumatized to forgive is irresponsible.  Perhaps it will come - perhaps it shouldn't come at all. It's a personal journey and one that requires consideration. Forgiving, much like excessive empathy,  can take us down a dangerous path.  Forgiving in these instances may be useful if you define forgiving as having release - experiencing no positive or negative emotion about the event...but in that case forgiveness is not directed at the person with whom you struggle but at yourself.  Forgiveness can be a strength and a virtue when it is applied with discernment. It can also be self-serving in that it makes us feel "better than" those who choose not to forgive in the classic sense of the word forgive. These relationships feed things in us...and I've learned that one thing it fed in me was this need to display some great sense of empathy towards others that I would have liked to receive myself.  I took pride in my ability to understand and forgive. Kind of like that phrase...pride cometh before a fall. Some traits can be both a strength and a weakness depending on when those traits are expressed.

Anger can also be a virtue - it helps us mobilize out of traumatic  situations and provides a chemical incentive to flee rather than freeze. I think that many of us need to reconsider whether being attached to  someone who repeatedly hurts us is truly love. I anticipate this is not likely a popular opinion but in my opinion one that needs to be spoken. We may have attachments that run deep, and we may love the way we feel with a partner but feeling a need to forgive or patting ourselves on the back for forgiving those who engage in hurtful behaviors towards us time and again is not a sign of personal strength or an indication that we are able to love.  If you want to love someone in a healthy way you need to love yourself first - and that requires the ability to draw boundaries and protect yourself.

I also think that it is not impossible to feel lonely if you are happy and comfortable with yourself.  We are social creatures at heart which is why companionship and love are things we work to get. The point of healing is to be at a point where we can choose partners that are healthy.  Being able to tolerate being alone is an important part of that journey but in no way is being lonely a sign that a person is not truly happy or comfortable with themselves.

 We all have different opinions and it is always interesting and educational to read the perspectives of others.  With that said, I think we need to be careful to position posts as opinions rather than facts. This idea that toxic love and forgiveness go hand in hand could be a dangerous one that promotes more hurt down the road.  There is sometimes a certain self serving quality to patting ourselves on the back for being loving, tolerant and forgiving when in reality we should be focusing on why we feel a need to hold on to qualities which have not served us well in the past.

[Butane]

As a person who has been in therapy for quite some time I would like to add that not forgiving is not at all the same thing as holding onto hatred. To conflate those two concepts is irresponsible.  Many psychologists will tell you that the need to "forgive" is what keeps some tied into dysfunctional relationships. 

Recovery is not a one size fits all solution. FWIW, my psychologist told me that urging people who have been emotionally traumatized to forgive is irresponsible.  Perhaps it will come - perhaps it shouldn't come at all. It's a personal journey and one that requires consideration. Forgiving, much like excessive empathy,  can take us down a dangerous path.  Forgiving in these instances may be useful if you define forgiving as having release - experiencing no positive or negative emotion about the event...but in that case forgiveness is not directed at the person with whom you struggle but at yourself.  Forgiveness can be a strength and a virtue when it is applied with discernment. It can also be self-serving in that it makes us feel "better than" those who choose not to forgive in the classic sense of the word forgive. These relationships feed things in us...and I've learned that one thing it fed in me was this need to display some great sense of empathy towards others that I would have liked to receive myself.  I took pride in my ability to understand and forgive. Kind of like that phrase...pride cometh before a fall. Some traits can be both a strength and a weakness depending on when those traits are expressed.

Anger can also be a virtue - it helps us mobilize out of traumatic  situations and provides a chemical incentive to flee rather than freeze. I think that many of us need to reconsider whether being attached to  someone who repeatedly hurts us is truly love. I anticipate this is not likely a popular opinion but in my opinion one that needs to be spoken. We may have attachments that run deep, and we may love the way we feel with a partner but feeling a need to forgive or patting ourselves on the back for forgiving those who engage in hurtful behaviors towards us time and again is not a sign of personal strength or an indication that we are able to love.  If you want to love someone in a healthy way you need to love yourself first - and that requires the ability to draw boundaries and protect yourself.

I also think that it is not impossible to feel lonely if you are happy and comfortable with yourself.  We are social creatures at heart which is why companionship and love are things we work to get. The point of healing is to be at a point where we can choose partners that are healthy.  Being able to tolerate being alone is an important part of that journey but in no way is being lonely a sign that a person is not truly happy or comfortable with themselves.

 We all have different opinions and it is always interesting and educational to read the perspectives of others.  With that said, I think we need to be careful to position posts as opinions rather than facts. This idea that toxic love and forgiveness go hand in hand could be a dangerous one that promotes more hurt down the road.  There is sometimes a certain self serving quality to patting ourselves on the back for being loving, tolerant and forgiving when in reality we should be focusing on why we feel a need to hold on to qualities which have not served us well in the past.

Bhs, I like the way you think.
I am currently with my H, but I have realized that my previous passionate, unconditional loving adoration of my husband in spite of his rollercoaster emotions, splitting, blaming behaviours was not healthy. Rather it was romanticized visions of the dutiful self sacrificing wife blah, blah, blech... I now feel a little nauseated with myself!
I'm still working on self improvement, and it's a long process with ups and downs. But I'm far enough along now, that I know I can protect myself in the future.