Detaching from a long marriage with a history of abuse

[TakeTwo]

I'm leaving a 25 year marriage to a BPDw.  We have been separated for over a year.  Prior to the separation, I worked for a year to salvage things (well, I suppose I was always working to salvage things at one level or another).  I've got a lot of support in real life, but not from anyone who understands BPD like this site does.  A buddy of mine encouraged me to post on this board and work my way through the stages of detaching that are taught here.  So here I am!  I'm planning to get through Valentine's Day, then come back and read through the detaching information here.  I'm happy to hear any tips or advice from those who have walked this road before me.

TT

[JNChell]

Hi, Take Two. Welcome to bpdfamily. Your friend gave you good advice in directing you to this community. We get it here.

25 years is a long time and I’m sorry that your marriage wasn’t able to be salvaged. What was the final draw that led to the separation?

You’ll find a lot of support here and we’re happy to listen and talk with you about this subject. With that being said, it would be very helpful for the members here to know more about your story if you’re comfortable in sharing with us. You’ll be surprised in how well you may relate to others here. Glad to have you on board.

[mama-wolf]

Hi TT, and welcome to the Family... .

I'm planning to get through Valentine's Day, then come back and read through the detaching information here.  I'm happy to hear any tips or advice from those who have walked this road before me.

It sounds like you do have a good support network, and a solid awareness of much of what you have been through.  Especially the acknowledgement of how much you probably did throughout the relationship to hold it together--not just in that last year.

At eight months post-separation, I'm still struggling through the first couple stages of detachment myself... .I have difficulty even acknowledging my feelings, so that makes it a bit hard to work through processing them effectively.  Whether I'm fully aware of the feelings themselves or not, I have the sense I'm basically all over the map on the grief cycle (which is OK since it's not a linear progression, but it's annoying as hell).

I will say that one thing that has helped me significantly here is to share the details of my relationship to my uBPDxw.  General history... .specific events that affected me... .concerns (fears) about what it means for me and my kids now and in the years to come.  I encourage you to share as much of your history and current journey as you feel you are able to... .

mw

[Lucky Jim]

Hey TT, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  Detaching from a BPD r/s is challenging when landmarks like Valentine's Day come up on the calendar.  We are here to support you through the detaching process.  25 years is a long time, so there are bound to be ups and downs as you part ways.  You are not alone.  Many of us have been down this road before you, so feel free to ask any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[Skip]

I'm leaving a 25 year marriage to a BPDw.  

25 years is a long time. It's hard to detach during the divorce process as their are so many "attaching" incidents and dramas.

I thing the first step is letting go of the fight. It doesn't matter anymore.

Easier said than done.

[TakeTwo]

Thank you all!  I really appreciate the support.  We have had a cyclical relationship since we met in college.  There have been many good times, my stbx has good traits, and we've raised three children together, which made it even harder to understand what was going on.  There has been a lot of abuse towards me over the years -- plentiful verbal abuse, threats, controlling actions like stealing clothes and car keys, sabotaging my parenting, and escalating physical abuse.  I'm safe, we're physically separated in different homes, but have been diagnosed with PTSD, which is making it even more difficult for me to move through the divorce process.

A couple of friends have mentioned that I seem to be having trouble detaching.  I thought I was doing pretty well, but I think I've got more work to do than I realized.  One clue is that over a year post-separation, I'm just now clearing her stuff out of the bedroom.  For many months, I was hoping we could reconcile, but even after that hope faded, I was still living amidst her things.  I finally cleaned the closet and bedroom out, and it felt so healthy and helpful to do that.

The board has this lesson on the stages of detaching that I'd like to work through:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360

The first stage is acknowledging our feelings.  I'm deeply saddened by the loss of what I had, and more so by the loss of what I'd hoped to have -- the marriage I didn't have but had hoped to have.  I am grieving.  I have a fair bit of resentment, but I've been so exhausted by unmet expectations that my stbx will do the right thing, or behave honorably or with empathy, that I've had to let go of these expectations, and that helps with resentment.  She is who she is.  She is not healthy.  I can't change that.

I am also grieving my damaged relationship with my daughters.  My stbx is very close to them, and they don't understand how I could be splitting from her and accusing her of being abusive.  I've gotten help from psychologists, and read, "Don't Alienate the Kids," by Bill Eddy, and am doing my best, but it's a tough situation, and as a loving father it saddens be beyond words.

I am also afraid of the continued damage my stbx and the legal process can do to me.  I've read "Splitting," and my lawyer is solid, but this is not a process where justice is likely to be served in any reliable or efficient way.  The system is rigged to continue conflict, and I haven't found find my stbx to be a viable negotiating partner.  These situations are a mess,  and I know there's likely to be good advice to be had, but I'd like to focus this thread on the emotional issues.  Skip is right, that letting go of the conflict is helpful, but it's not straightforward.  Even if I decide to let go, emotional triggers can happen (such as alienating parenting behaviors or financial control by stbx) that can plunge me back into fight-or-flight mode, where I'm inclined to charge the machine gun nest, regardless of the consequences.

So, there you have it.  Sadness, grief, and fear.  I'm sure I've missed something.  I'll reflect for a while and see if I can find any other feelings that are not easily surfacing.  Thank you all again for being here and for your support!

TT

[Lucky Jim]

Hey TT,  I suggest being kind and compassionate towards yourself as you navigate the waters of divorce.  You've been through a lot.  Self-love and self-acceptance sound easy, but are actually pretty hard to do when one has been married to a pwBPD over a long term marriage.  It sounds like you have been the object of abuse, which is quite common.  It's easy to emerge from a BPD marriage with a low opinion of oneself, so be careful about taking on negative critiques from your W or daughters.

I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  It's likely that your pwBPD will try to shift all the blame for the breakdown of your marriage onto you.  Your task is to let it go.  You don't need more rocks in your backpack!

LJ

[empath]

TT, 25 years is a long time to be in relationship with another person, and you've built a life together and have children together. That all makes detaching a more complicated process. My h has been out of the house for a year at the end of this month, and we've been married nearly 29 years with 3 kids (2 are adults).

I don't see a possibility for reconciliation for us either - but there are some practical financial considerations that keep me from starting the divorce process. Right now, he is paying most of the bills for our apartment (as well as his own). I haven't done anything with his "stuff" that he left here.

Sometimes, other people have their own thoughts about what we should be doing. It's talked about a lot in the grief and loss areas, and I think there's overlap in what we are experiencing, too. PTSD on top of all that does make it more difficult to work through things.

[Barnabus]

TT, I feel your pain. I'm in the middle of a "high conflict" divorce from what I am pretty certain is a BPD wife of 39 years that started out with an agreement for an undisputed divorce - until she reneged on the deal. I filed and it's been 9 months of frustration and her vilifying me at every step. She has made outrageous "settlement" offers and then she wouldn't do it. Early on my lawyer said she won't settle this and my lawyer was right.

I have 4 kids and 10 grandkids. I too am having a lot of difficulty with my daughters and things are okay with my son. BPDw has come up with a narrative that I "left" her (she threw me out after the second attempt), and I'm having an "affair" with my ex-wife of 40 years ago, (I actually saw her for the first time almost 6 months after we separated), and BPDw wants to reconcile (I've tried everything) and I won't come home (she still maintains that our problems are 100% my fault). BPDw has taken that BS to the church leadership, many of my close friends and who knows who else. I get strange looks from people at restaurants and because I didn't go on the attack with my "story", many people believe her BS story.

I'm a Christian and it has made this situation even harder with the harsh judgmental positions people have taken when they have no clue what the real truth is. The saving grace for me is that I know my Lord Jesus will work things out. Romans 8:28

Hang in there old buddy. You are not alone. The people on this forum have been a huge help to me.

B