He is cheating after all

[Bnonymous]

Hi all,

I haven't been around for a while, as life has just got in the way. I have yet to catch up on threads I've been posting on, so apologies for any non-replies. Anyway... .

You know I said, as a by the by, that I was certain he wouldn't cheat on me and that's one thing I wouldn't have to deal with? Well, I'm a fool... .

I started suspecting it about a month ago. I top up his mobile for him, as he can't afford to do so, so I keep an eye on his account online (with his permission) so I can see if he's running low on credit and top up for him. One day, he sent over a hundred texts. Now, in the two years we've been together, he's only done that when we're arguing. Usually, he sends less than a hundred texts in a month. I immediately imagined him arguing with someone else (I am aware of how comical that sounds!).

I didn't want to be paranoid and distrustful - I never have been before and don't want to start now. So I told him how I was feeling and what I was thinking in a "I know I'm just being paranoid, but rather than having doubts festering, I'm coming to you with my worries, so you can reassure me" way. I genuinely expected reassurance - I really believed I was being silly. Well, his answer made me more paranoid, not less - he said the texts were to his daughter, but... .They were sent during the school day... .

I still tried to fob off my gut instinct and tell myself I was being paranoid. Then, a week or two ago, he asked me "Has anyone contacted you?". I said no and asked what he meant. He then told me an utterly ridiculous story... .He said some people had offered him some spliffs, but they weren't normal spliffs (ie they weren't cannabis) and he was drifting in and out of consciousness, then he woke up and found himself naked and sore "down there" and he thinks they must have done something to him while he was unconscious, and now they're telling him that they've contacted me and told me he's cheating, so he wants me to know he'd never do that and they planned the whole thing to get at him... .

Dodgy, right? Right. But... .As a victim of sexual assault myself, it's a point of principle for me not to question people who say that's happened to them. So I had to give the benefit of the doubt and believe him. Then... .

Last night, he sent me a text "It was so good to hold you today xxx". Only thing is... .I haven't actually seen him for over a week. The damned fool sent the text to the wrong person! *giggles*. It is funny. It genuinely is funny. And the comedy in it is absolutely sanity-saving!

I called him, said all I wanted was the truth and that I can handle cheating but not lying. He had such a go at me. Insisted the text had been meant for his daughter and they'd had a nice hug when he saw her last. Now this is stretching credibility too far. There's the benefit of the doubt and then there's outright gullibility. I don't believe it for a minute.

So that's that.

I'm weaving in and out of different emotions. One minute, I am genuinely amused at the comedic screw-up of his having sent the text to the wrong person (that makes for one hell of an anecdote, don't you think?). The next, I am hurt and heartbroken. The next, I am relieved. Hugely relieved. Because, of all the ways it could have ended, this is far from the worst. Very far. I'd thought it would end in his suicide or dying from the alcoholism. I expected MUCH worse pain that what I in fact ended up with. But the relief and amusement are vying with the hurt and heartbreak. I'm very up and down, as you'd imagine.

So, erm, that's the long and the short of it. Just wanted to tell someone.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Bnonymous!

I'm so sorry it worked out that way. It's so hurtful to trust someone and then have that trust betrayed. You're right, there is something almost comical about it (sounds like something from a romantic comedy) and yet there's the pain of betrayal and of knowing they bent over backwards to cover their tracks.

You say "that's that." So does that mean you've ended the relationship?

[Bnonymous]

Thanks, Ozzie.

Yeah. I could handle cheating, but not lying. I don't see any point in a relationship filled with secrets and lies - there's no real intimacy then.

Before that text, I had been imagining something very different. I had thought he'd slept with someone else in a self-destructive mood. I had thought he'd have found the experience degrading and would have been feeling small and ashamed and alone. I felt desperately sorry for him. I wanted him to tell me about it so that I could have comforted him. Honestly. I feel like such a mug now for having thought that.

I called him after the text message. I was kind and gentle and said I need him to tell me the truth, so I can have the opportunity to love him for who he really is and not for a mask he's wearing. He was aggressive and defensive and denied everything then hung up on me.

That's not okay. Seedy self-destructive cheating, I could handle and still be a partner to him. Romantic cheating, I could have handled as a friend, helped him sort out his feelings about it all. I really would have done that, because I genuinely love and care for him and want him to be happy, whether that's with me or not.

But the lying is something else. The lying is adding insult to injury and is something I just can't accept. If he'd been honest with me, who knows? But he wasn't. And I can't have a relationship with someone who lies and hides things like that, because I don't feel that would be a real relationship at all.

[Ozzie101]

I can understand. One of the main components of a relationship (not just romantic) is honesty. When there are deceptions like those you're uncovering, it throws the whole relationship into question. Who is this person? What else do I not know? It's painful and throws the whole world off-kilter. Especially hurtful when you've been feeling empathy and compassion for him.

What are you doing for yourself now as you try to recover from the blow?

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Bnonymous,
You’re putting on a brave face, but now you’ve had more time to ponder this new revelation, how are you doing?

 
Cat

[Perdita]

Texting his daughter! The crap lies get to me too. You'd think they'd have perfected their 'skill' over the years. Mine also tells ridiculous lies. I often wonder if he is reLly that stupid or does he think I am.

This break up might not go as smoothly as you think. As you know, everything with a BPD partner can get real messy. He will likely try and get back with you. There is also the possibility that someone is going to approach you with the truth. He is definitely afraid of someone contacting you. I don't buy his sexual assault story. Brace yourself.

[Bnonymous]

He just texted me "I've met someone else. Thank you for all your help. Goodbye."

[Ozzie101]

Those simple, straightforward cuts can be the deepest. I'm so sorry.

How are you doing?

[formflier]

He just texted me "I've met someone else. Thank you for all your help. Goodbye."

   

What do you plan to do with this information?

Please be extra kind to yourself.

FF

[Bnonymous]

Thanks for replies. It gets worse... .

All I said was "Thanks for letting me know. It would be good if we could talk one last time, ideally face-to-face, but the phone will do. I have questions and getting answers would help me move on. I understand if it's too hard for you."

He phoned me within five minutes. He was angry and defensive and barking at me "Just tell me your questions and go!"

I said I hadn't meant immediately, that it wasn't a good time right now because I was with my daughter and I would need privacy and space to have the conversation. He barked at me "I just want to get it over with!"

Then he started texting about how he's in love and he's happy and I should just be happy for him. I said I doubted that, because he hasn't sounded happy and he's been drinking way more than usual (when he first fell in love with me, his drink intake pretty much halved). I said if I really believed he was happy, then I would be happy for him, as that's all I want.

He phoned again, barking at me "What is your problem? I'm in love - we're over - that's the end of it". I said "If it were the other way round, you wouldn't see it like that". He said "She's sitting right next to me - I'll put her on the phone". And he did. Totally put me on the spot. Convo went like this:

Me: Is he happy?

Her: Yes, he's happy.

Me: Do you love him?

Her: I love him. I will look after him.

Me: That's all I wanted to know, thanks. Take care of him.

Her: I will do.

Me: Thanks. Bye.


This all sounds like we'd been over for ages, doesn't it? It all sounds like I'd known this was coming and should be moving on by now, right?

Well, nope. It's totally out of the blue. Valentine's Day was just six days ago. Then he was texting me "I feel like I'm in the wrong place. I shouldn't be at home doing my washing today. I should be there with you, having a romantic night together." Six days ago.

TWO days ago, he texted me at 7 a.m. about how he was worried about an appointment he had later that day. Then called me to tell me they'd cancelled it and talk through how he felt about that.

It's only been about two weeks since he last said "There could never be anyone else for me. If I couldn't be with you, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life."

He has been treating me like a partner right up until that text. Yet he's talking as though we'd been over for ages and it's about time I got used to it.

This is proper Twilight Zone ___.

[Bnonymous]

I'd really appreciate people's opinions on what is likely to happen now.

Do you think he has done the BPD thing of completely cutting off his emotions in an instant and that this will be the last I hear of him? Or do you think there will be more developments yet?

[Red5]

I'd really appreciate people's opinions on what is likely to happen now.

Do you think he has done the BPD thing of completely cutting off his emotions in an instant and that this will be the last I hear of him? Or do you think there will be more developments yet?

Bnonymous, I would brace myself for more 'crazy' to show up.

That post above, where he handed his phone (that you are paying for?)… to his new 'hug'… wow, whisky tango foxtrot... .

Yes, I would be prepared for crazy,

Sorry you are going through this, my first marriage was like this in the end… and we were married for twenty-one years.

Hang in there, and keep posting, we are listening,

Kind Regards, Red5

[Bnonymous]

Thanks, red5.

I really thought I knew what I was dealing with here and quite clearly I didn't.

The crazy thing is, I truly felt secure. He could be foul sometimes, yes, but I never doubted that he loved me and wanted to be with me and was deeply attached to me. I never doubted it. Even when I started to suspect he was cheating, I still felt secure - I assumed it was an impulsive and/or self-destructive thing that didn't reflect on his feelings for me.

This is a complete and total shock. I was totally unprepared for it.

This morning, he texted "I'm in a situation I can't get out of and I don't want you involved. Please don't ask me what. I'm trapped in a situation".

Then, a few hours later, the "I've met someone else" text. What the actual f**k?

Yep, phone I pay for. And, worse, guess who bought all his bed linen on the never-never and is still paying for it? He's sleeping with her in sheets I bought and am still paying for - I just can't believe he'd do that.

You know, when we first met and had only been together a few weeks, he was on the phone to his daughter's mother. She heard me in the background and I heard her say to him "Poor girl doesn't know what she's letting herself in for". I feel the same now. She really doesn't have a clue what's coming and I feel desperately sorry for her.

[formflier]

Please find extra ways to be kind to yourself over the next few days.  Whew... .this is a lot to process for you.

To answer your question.  pwBPD recycle a lot.  I would be shocked if the boomerang does not come around to you again.

That said... .why do you ask?  What do you think you would do if in 2 weeks he wants to connect?

   

best,

FF

[Enabler]

I'd really appreciate people's opinions on what is likely to happen now.

Do you think he has done the BPD thing of completely cutting off his emotions in an instant and that this will be the last I hear of him? Or do you think there will be more developments yet?

Hey Bnonymous

It's very difficult to say whether he'll be back with his tail between his legs. What's easier to derive is 'what are you going to do if he does?'

From what you've said he's crossed some pretty thick black lines for you. Maybe you want to think about whether or not you'll be able to get over that, and what it says about those lines if you do allow him another chance.

One has to wonder whether or not the OW has a clue what she's getting herself into or whether they are both still struck by Cupids arrow and deep into Eros.

Incidentally to make sense of the anger part, that's likely his response to shame. You calling him out and reminding him what he's done is like a cattle prod into his core shame sensitivity and likely stimulating his FIGHT or flight reflex.

The revelation that your reality for the past few days, weeks, months has been way off and you've been walking around in blissful ignorance sucks. I dare say this part of things will be the toughest part to deal with and time well spent chewing through what you think about it and how you're going to rationalise it... .else you'll take that trust scar into a new relationship. Your brain looks constantly for comparables, if you enter a new relationship with trust issues you may unwittingly be untrusting to a perfectly trustworthy man and sabotage a perfectly healthy opportunity.

Be honest with yourself, that's one of the luxuries of being a non.

Enabler    

[Bnonymous]

I'm asking myself the same questions, FF.

I don't know why I want to know. Mostly, I want to be prepared. But, yeah, I don't want this to be it. I'm not saying I want to get back with him. It's more that, well, maybe an ego thing, I guess? It would be nice not to be dropped in an instant like I was never anything to him at all. It would be nice to get some "I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was doing. I miss you" texts, even if I just delete them without replying. It would be nice to get a bit of salve for my ego in that sense, if you get what I mean?

On the other hand, I def don't want him begging to get back with me or any of that sh*t. And I don't want more craziness. I just want... .Not to be forgotten about in a heartbeat. Just that really.

[Skip]

You seem to infer that you might me open to a open relationship? Are you?

Assuming not, for the sake of this post.

He's in another relationship. He moved on without ending things with you. You caught him. It sucks. It really sucks.

He probably didn't tell you because he wanted to wait to be sure as there is always uncertainty in a new relationship. This is not crazy, or rare in life... .it's just really bad character. Weakness.

I'd really appreciate people's opinions on what is likely to happen now.

The most important "what will happen next" is really what you do. He played all his cards. Whether he got into a drunken one-night-stand that has taken wings for healthy or unhealthy reasons, the healthy thing for you is to close things down. Whether it was a wise choice on his part, or whether he will struggle through the suddenness of the transition, and the ego wound of getting caught (which is normal in this type of situation), the best thing for you to do is break clean. Even if you want another shot at this relationship, the best this to exit the drama cleanly.

[Bnonymous]

Okay, guys, let me be honest with you, even though you'll probably think I'm in serious denial (and you may well be right - if so, I'll realise pretty quickly, trust me)... .

I don't actually believe it. It doesn't add up.

Yes, I believe he is with someone else. But do I believe he is happy and in love and that's the end of the story? No, I don't.

When we were first together, he was on top of the world and he cut his drinking right back. Recently, he has been very deeply unhappy and drinking waaaay more than usual. This is not what he's like when in the first throes of new relationship romance. Okay, maybe it's the guilt and the double-life thing that was making him unhappy. Maybe he'll be full of the joys of spring now he's ended it with me and is free to be happy with her. Maybe.

Or maybe there is something else going on... .Maybe he is on a new illicit drug and she's supplying him. Maybe he has done something he's very ashamed of (e.g. participated in an orgy with her and others) and now he wants to keep her sweet so she doesn't tell people about it. Or something similarly crazy.

And, yes, maybe that's denial. I do accept that and I may let go of that idea in a few days. But... .It isn't adding up for me. It just isn't. Gut instinct tells me that there is a lot more to this story than just he met someone else and fell in love and that's that.

I know denial is a stage of grief. I know these feelings might be a stage of grief. But... .Intuition is telling me there's more to this.

[once removed]

i think that as big a shock as all of this is right now, its likely to manifest in a myriad of ways over the next days, weeks, etc. thats why advice to treat yourself kindly is especially prescient. lean hard on your support system, and know that feelings are likely to be all over the place. this is a big blow.

[Bnonymous]

I know she is the woman who featured in the initial cover up stories (he said her name today and then). In those, she was a cocaine addict, a blackmailer, and someone who sexually assaulted him (along with a group of lads) while he was unconscious.

Now... .I don't believe all that. But nor do I believe the current version of events.

I think the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. I think the truth might be that he has been taking something with her and now she's supplying him and he has to keep her sweet to keep the drugs flowing. And I think the truth might be that he took part in an orgy and now a/ wants to keep her quiet about it, and b/ wants to cover that shame by telling himself he's in love with her.

I might be kidding myself. Who knows. I will probably never know.

[formflier]

   

I would feel better about things if you were spending more time being kind to yourself, than figuring out if a pwBPD's actions/words "make sense"

Trust me... .they won't.

It's a rabbit hole ... .

I'm so sorry this has happened... .   

FF

[once removed]

Who knows.

i wouldnt necessarily call anything youre talking about "denial".

when i went through my breakup, i was in deep shock, and things didnt make sense to me. i determined that she was testing me, and even recruiting friends to help her do it. after that, i determined that the weather was affecting her, and had something to do with it. i went through a lot of scenarios.

im not directly comparing, and i also dont think i was in denial; you may be right about any given scenario. i think in deep shock, the psyche searches for answers to things that both hurt, and especially when they feel so sudden. this is going to take some time to sort out.

[Skip]

I think the truth might be that he has been taking something with her and now she's supplying him and he has to keep her sweet to keep the drugs flowing. And I think the truth might be that he took part in an orgy and now a/ wants to keep her quiet about it, and b/ wants to cover that shame by telling himself he's in love with her.

So you feel that he is possibly in a Bipolor style mania?

Your thoughts are to wait it out and decide what to do when he returns to baseline?

Sure that is possible. There is even an easier path - 90% of all new relationships fail in the first 90 days (intuitively, likely the reason he didn't break up with you, but went behind your back). Bottom-line, its very likely this new relationship will crash.

So you may be ok to wait it out and pick up the pieces. OK.

Still, the best thing is to not get involved with this... .just slip out for now.

[Bnonymous]

I am still processing things. I have no thoughts on what I want to happen next, other than that I would (as I said) like a few ego-salving text messages just to soothe the wound a bit over the next week or so.

Yes, it will fail. His relationship with his daughter's mother ended about seven years ago. Since then, he has had over twenty "serious" relationships that have lasted between a few weeks and a few months. I am the first one that was genuinely serious.

It doesn't bode well that he told me she's a cocaine addict and a sexual abuser - whether it's true, BS, or somewhere in the middle, it's hardly a good start to a relationship that he's saying things like that about her, is it?

Also, he met her in the pub. Due to what he went through with his mother, he has really serious issues with women and drink. He is utterly utterly contemptuous about it. Give it a few weeks and he will start saying cruel controlling things to her about how she's p*ssed out of her head and it's disgusting (even if she's only had one drink). She won't put up with it for long.

All I want is to be able to get my head around what's happened. Having a picture I can work with would help in the short-term, even if it ultimately turns out to be way off base. I know that there is likely little logic to any of it. But I cannot help but expect there to be some and try to find it.

I'm thinking crazy things now. I noted how very much like his daughter's mother she sounded. His daughter's mother has a distinctive way of talking, very flat and monotone and clipped - this woman sounded exactly like her. A couple of weeks ago, he told me that his daughter's mother was late with her period and thought she was pregnant. I am now wondering if there is no J (the name he gave me). I am now wondering if he completely invented J, and the person on the phone was his daughter's mother and the new baby is his - that would explain the "I'm in a situation I can't get out of. I'm trapped in a situation" texts.

I am thinking all kinds of things that are probably shock-induced crazy.

I have said before that I am not scared of being alone and that I know I can thrive on my own and don't need a relationship to feel happy and complete, I have that within myself. I stand by that. In the medium-to-long term... .But, tonight, it is terrifying. The thought of being alone and so completely discarded and cut off tonight is terrifying. I will feel better. I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and be happy by myself soon enough. But soon enough isn't soon enough, iyswim?

[once removed]

It doesn't bode well that he told me she's a cocaine addict and a sexual abuser

when did he disclose these things to you?

Also, he met her in the pub.

how long ago?

[Bnonymous]

The thing about her being a cocaine addict and a sexual abuser was a few days ago, before he confessed he was seeing someone, and when he was scared she was going to contact me and wanted to get in there first and cover his back. He said she was someone in a group of people who were all related to a guy he knows, D. He said they had got him drugged up and sexually assaulted him. He also mentioned it again a day or so later, just saying that he was going to block "D's family, his son K and his Aunt J" because "they are cocaine addicts and dangerous people" and "I want to change my number so they don't have it".

When he put her on the phone, he said "Talk to J, she's sitting right next to me" - it's the same person he was talking about.

I don't know how long ago. He mentioned that on the phone when he called to make me speak to her "Look, I met someone when I was at the pub. I'm in love and I'm happy. We're over. Get over it".

[desperate.wife]

That's a lot happening here. I get completely you wanting to understand what happened. Sudden change is hard to digest. We live our lives thinking all is fine, but the other person can be drifting away for some time already. For that person it is not sudden. I feel you when you write about bed linen! You are still paying for it! I try to imagine myself; I think I would go to get it! And cancel the phone  In the heat of the moment. My mom offered bed linen to my H and I didn't give it to him, if we divorce he sleeps with someone else in it? No way.

The shock and emotions are fresh to you. It all seems so unfair, unreal. Why, when, why and how and why. It is very normal. And you need to live through it. But guys are right. Treat well yourself. I think first you need to back off and do something that wouldn't let your mind wander. With some distance clarity will come.

And we are here for you. You are always so supporting and wise with your words, hoping for the best for you. I really wish I could give an advice or opinion on what’s next, but I learned over a year that things are changing so often, and each time it feels so real. For me it is hard to get if it is dysregulation or this it, that’s what he wants.
You are not naïve.

Hugs
D.W

[Perdita]

The way he was barking at you over the phone and being an impatient ass - mine acts like that too when some other woman is sniffing around him.  It's so frustrating and shocking how fast their feelings change. Mine has literally gone one morning from telling me he loves me to coming back during his lunch break to yell at me that he has no feelings for me. Nothing even needs to go wrong in a relationship for them to turn cold.

Clearly he did not just meet this new woman. I am very sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately,  I  know your pain. 

[Bnonymous]

Thanks everyone. 

I feel immeasurably better today. I'm not kidding myself - I know I will be on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster for a while and that I'll probably feel ___ again soon; I accept that and am prepared for it. But I'm just making the most of the good days/hours/minutes and taking note of them so that, next time a bad one hits, I will have the knowledge that it will pass. It's almost like labour contractions - there will be waves of pain but each one of them will pass, until, eventually, they stop altogether.

Yesterday I had a blow-out. I got rip-roaring drunk. This is something I haven't done for over ten years and am certainly not going to make a habit of, but it was what I needed last night. Not to kill the pain, but to embrace it, to lower my guard and inhibitions so that I could let myself cry and scream and confront the pain head on. That might not be a good solution for everyone, but it works well for me. If I don't run away from the feelings, if I throw myself into them and immerse myself, then they pass much more quickly. I won't be doing it again - it was just mentally necessary for me yesterday to fall apart so that I could get up today and start putting myself back together again.

Then I had a bath and washed my hair, even though I'd already done that in the morning. And I changed the bed sheets, even though they didn't need changing. Because there is nothing like the feeling of getting into clean bed sheets after a nice long soak in the bath. It's a physical comfort that feels like a privilege.

Little things like that are how I will be taking care of myself.

[Enabler]

Turn and face... .

Lean into the nuclear blast... .

And roar like a tiger... .   

Tidy bed, tidy mind.

Enabler xx