break up with a love avoidant

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been seeing this woman 4 months. We'd spent all but a handful of nights together in that time, we'd gotten to know each other's friends and coworkers. We'd talked about maybe taking a trip together this summer, she'd already bought tickets to a show for my birthday 2 months away. She bought me a great xmas gift and took me out for valentines day. She kept a toothbrush, some clothes and dishes at my house. The sex was great, the conversation even better.

She was attentive, empathetic, and consistent. My friends liked her, we only had like one big argument (and it wasn't about the relationship.) We enjoyed spending time together.

I thought things were going well, though sometimes, I could sense she kept me at arm's length. I saw a few red flags: I was the first person she'd dated seriously in 5 years, only had 2 serious girlfriends in her life and neither relationship lasted more than a few years (she's 34) and never been in love. She has no long-term friendships, plus strained relationships with parents who don't accept her sexual orientation. Sure, she balked at calling me her girlfriend, but she treated me like I was, so I just figured she was struggling with vulnerability and didn't make a big deal out of it. I understood that she was "love avoidant," while I'm "anxiously attached."

I noticed she'd grown a little distant lately, though her outward behavior remained committed and loving. A little while back, she told she me needed "space," so we spent one night apart, then the very next day, she took it back and said she really wanted to be with me. I thought maybe she'd just taken a second to think through whatever was freaking her out about how close we'd become, and now we could move forward.

Unfortunately, she now tells me she does not want a girlfriend. She admitted she could not envision us moving in together anytime in the visible future, and said she'd shut down her emotions when she felt she started falling for me because she didn't want that.

She offered to keep seeing me, maybe spending less time together, or "be friends." I took a couple of days to think on that, then thanked her for her honesty, praised her for being such an attentive and wonderful not-girlfriend, but responded that ultimately I don't think I'll be comfortable in an indefinitely casual relationship. 

I guess on the bright side, at least this one didn't have BPD like my last girlfriend (who is currently on 3 years probation for battery on the girl she lived with after me.) Or NPD like the woman I dated briefly before her. She wasn't an alcoholic/drug/work addict like my exhusband of 16 years (who is now a heroin addict.) She wasn't a Peter Pan like the last couple of guys I've dated who never seemed to make a place for me in their life.

Yet again, I misread someone's emotional unavailability. She seemed so dedicated to growing something with me, she was 100% present and I felt so safe and peaceful and trusting with her. She owned it, says it's not me, it's her, and I did nothing wrong. Makes me think awful thoughts about how the good ones are all taken or don't want me.

It's like this eternal unsolvable problem. I live in a great place, have fun jobs, meaningful volunteering, enough food/shelter, a few close friendships. But the one thing I REALLY want is to love and be loved in a way that's fulfilling. Seems like my experience of benign childhood neglect, combined with the fact that I'm middle-aged, queer, and I feel frustrated the deck is stacked against me.

The breakup routine gets tiring. I know, I know... .reach out to friends, exercise, do things you enjoy, blah blah. I'm just very disappointed, really hoped I'd picked better this time around.   

[Lady Itone]

I've been seeing this woman 4 months. We'd spent all but a handful of nights together in that time, we'd gotten to know each other's friends and coworkers. We'd talked about maybe taking a trip together this summer, she'd already bought tickets to a show for my birthday 2 months away. She bought me a great xmas gift and took me out for valentines day. She kept a toothbrush, some clothes and dishes at my house. The sex was great, the conversation even better.

She was attentive, empathetic, and consistent. My friends liked her, we only had like one big argument (and it wasn't about the relationship.) We enjoyed spending time together.

I thought things were going well, though sometimes, I could sense she kept me at arm's length. I saw a few red flags: I was the first person she'd dated seriously in 5 years, only had 2 serious girlfriends in her life and neither relationship lasted more than a few years (she's 34) and never been in love. She has no long-term friendships, plus strained relationships with parents who don't accept her sexual orientation. Sure, she balked at calling me her girlfriend, but she treated me like I was, so I just figured she was struggling with vulnerability and didn't make a big deal out of it. I understood that she was "love avoidant," while I'm "anxiously attached."

I noticed she'd grown a little distant lately, though her outward behavior remained committed and loving. A little while back, she told she me needed "space," so we spent one night apart, then the very next day, she took it back and said she really wanted to be with me. I thought maybe she'd just taken a second to think through whatever was freaking her out about how close we'd become, and now we could move forward.

Unfortunately, she now tells me she does not want a girlfriend. She admitted she could not envision us moving in together anytime in the visible future, and said she'd shut down her emotions when she felt she started falling for me because she didn't want that.

She offered to keep seeing me, maybe spending less time together, or "be friends." I took a couple of days to think on that, then thanked her for her honesty, praised her for being such an attentive and wonderful not-girlfriend, but responded that ultimately I don't think I'll be comfortable in an indefinitely casual relationship. 

I guess on the bright side, at least this one didn't have BPD like my last girlfriend (who is currently on 3 years probation for battery on the girl she lived with after me.) Or NPD like the woman I dated briefly before her. She wasn't an alcoholic/drug/work addict like my exhusband of 16 years (who is now a heroin addict.) She wasn't a Peter Pan like the last couple of guys I've dated who never seemed to make a place for me in their life.

Yet again, I misread someone's emotional unavailability. She seemed so dedicated to growing something with me, she was 100% present and I felt so safe and peaceful and trusting with her. She owned it, says it's not me, it's her, and I did nothing wrong. Makes me think awful thoughts about how the good ones are all taken or don't want me.

It's like this eternal unsolvable problem. I live in a great place, have fun jobs, meaningful volunteering, enough food/shelter, a few close friendships. But the one thing I REALLY want is to love and be loved in a way that's fulfilling. Seems like my experience of benign childhood neglect, combined with the fact that I'm middle-aged, queer, and I feel frustrated the deck is stacked against me.

The breakup routine gets tiring. I know, I know... .reach out to friends, exercise, do things you enjoy, blah blah. I'm just very disappointed, really hoped I'd picked better this time around.   

[zachira]

I am sorry to hear about how hurt and confused you are about the break up with your love avoidant girlfriend. What you are describing sounds like disorganized attachment which is sometimes referred to as fearful avoidant, which means the person sends mixed signals: They want the connection with another yet fear it at the same time. It sounds like you are doing better in finding healthier relationships yet still are disappointed that you have not found a person with secure attachment, someone who is comfortable in their own skin, seeks a healthy relationship, and would not send mixed signals about being in a relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lady Itone, I'm sorry to hear about your recent b/u and can understand your disappointment.  Reading between the lines, it seems like your GF was never able to open up and let her emotions flow freely.  Would you say that's accurate?

I went through a similar b/u with a GF who was quite affectionate physically yet distant emotionally.  Like you, I could sense that she was keeping me at arm's length.  The sex was great and we laughed a lot when we were together.  I thought that, over time, she would let her emotional guard down as she grew more comfortable with me, but it didn't play out that way.  

Based on some things she shared w/me, I'm pretty sure that she is suffering from unresolved past trauma, which is blocking her emotionally.  Do you have any reason to suspect that your friend may have experienced trauma in her past?  If so, it wouldn't surprise me.

LuckyJim

[Lady Itone]

Thanks guys, you're the best.

Zachira, yes I'd say fearful avoidant is exactly right. I keep wondering if I've done the right thing just letting her go, or if I should be trying to talk to her and calm her fears. I could be a little more patient, but I don't want to waste my time on someone who is never going to step up.

Back when we first met, I was interested in her but somehow got the idea that she had a thing going with a mutual friend. When she figured out that I was upset and trying to step aside for them to be together, she made it so clear that I was wrong, and her interest was in me, that I actually wept in relief. I was so grateful that she saw me struggling and let me know clearly and with no hesitation how she felt! I want that kind of clarity, I don't want to play with "Does she? Doesn't she?"

Lucky Jim, I think she was open and feeling me for a while, but it's like her emotions hit a wall. Once, she told me she felt like I was a part of her, always with her. She called me her "Bae" (Before Anyone Else.) Just yesterday, she texted me that she missed me so much, barely felt like she could stand it, but "felt in her gut" it would be wrong to continue. Ugh.
 
I guess she is now at her emotional capacity for love, and can go no further. Her family life was fairly cold and unfulfilling, one child of five, extreme poverty. That her religious parents belittle her sexuality isn't helpful. She's black, gay -I'm sure she's had plenty of negativity hurled at her in her life.

How did your relationship end with that girlfriend you describe?

  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LI, The odd part is that things went downhill after we spent a great weekend at the beach with mutual friends.  We had a lot of fun and our friends remarked to me how happy she seemed.  Then, as you describe, she started to distance herself.  I assumed that she needed space and that we were going through a temporary downswing, though she didn't share that anything in particular was bothering her.

One day over coffee she related tearfully how her Ex-husband had physically abused her.  I empathized, hugged her and let her know how sorry I was.  I let her know that she didn't deserve to be treated like that and said that I understood how hard it was on her.  She said that she appreciated it and knew that I would never do anything like that to her.

A month or so later, she told me that she felt quite depressed and wanted to take a break from our r/s.  She said that she had been to see her psychiatrist, who recommended a change in medication.  I respected her honesty, and she didn't blame me for anything.  Yet she didn't offer to keep things going, either, so we ended up parting ways.  I think that, as you describe, she hit an emotional wall, beyond which she was unable to go.

We've had a few communications over the last year and remain friends, but neither of us has attempted to revive our r/s. 

LJ

[zachira]

I think you will have to let her go. A while back I was posting on this Board about a man I was attracted to that  had some red flags. I told my therapist about him, and she said to stay away. I have since figured out he is a fearful-avoidant, and noticed how we have gone through various cycles in which he brings me closer than abruptly distances himself. Recently he said something pretty romantic to me that in the past would have just sent my heart racing and dying to be with him. We have never gone out and never will, and I am glad to be aware of what the challenges are. The fearful-avoidant really wants connection and a relationship, which can make the romantic/sexual juices flow. My therapist told me to stay present when around him and notice my feelings which I have, and this has allowed me to see what is really going on, and to not get involved with him romantically and/or sexually. Keep us posted on how you are doing and how we can help. It is certainly challenging to find a healthy partner, especially as we get older and older, and most of the people in the dating pool have lots of red flags.

[Lady Itone]

General wisdom seems to be let her go, move on.

Thing is, I feel like we not so far apart in where we stand emotionally. I woke this morning to a text from her at 1:30 saying "Nights are the hardest... ."  I was actually fast asleep, . I am not sure what to say, or if I should say anything at all.

I know she's only recently started trying to come out of her shell. She's been a self-described recluse for the past 5 years, after her last breakup. She went to a job she hated, did roller derby, had a couple of one night stands, mostly stayed home by herself. It's only recently that she found herself a more fulfilling job, starting socializing and trying to make friendships and ties in the community.

She told me she's "bad at relationships," but if that's so, she's faked it real well. She's shown empathy and been present, honest, patient and reassuring whenever my anxiously attached self reared her head. Maybe a few moments where she could be a bit of a jerk, put on a tough girl act, but mostly she acted like a big lovey-dovey creampuff.

My feelings around her have been nothing but safe and peaceful. This is the first time I've felt any sort of push-pull or resistance from her in 4 months, and I wonder if it wasn't that I was putting some pressure on her to look towards the future. Of course, I guess 4 months in is when the "real" self starts to emerge out of the honeymoon, on-our-best-behavior phase.   

Yep, I'm still spinning... .

[zachira]

General wisdom is so hard to follow when we are attracted to a person who gives us incredible love when present, and then runs when suddenly becoming fearful about the intimacy.