I have decided to leave bp madness

[Depression = 72% of members]

Yesterday the power went out for a split second and I lost the internet.  So I ran a troubleshooting program which told me to turn the modem off for 10 seconds, then on.  I did that and the internet did not come back on.  My husband (BP) was home and had a fit because he said you are not to touch the modem and just wait and I should know that.  From there it went to how I have destroyed his business and how horrible my kids are.  My husband's business is failing and I work for him (big mistake) so it is all my fault due to my bookkeeping, or lack of.  I have tried to work out a system with him but he does not read, concentrate or follow thru so it is impossible.  I try to explain that every month there is revenue and expenses and it's all on the bank statement so take a look, there is the answer.  I know that is a simplified version but I try everything to get thru to him.
 Of course, he refuses to see the black and white numbers.  It is a nightmare and I have put too much money out to try to support this business get off the ground and he is the WRONG person to be in business with.  Next, my kids who are in their 20's and on their own.  They don't like my husband because they say he confines me and they don't like how he speaks to me and they are right.  I have to ask permission to leave the house, I am timed, I can't even get to doctors' appointments never mind something fun like a friend or an activity.  So no wonder they don't like him and he does not "allow" me to see them because I have not taught them respect.  Then he got to the part where he stood over me and screamed I should be beaten.  One minute I was sitting at my computer perfectly happy, the power blip occurs because of a storm outside and next I am in living hell.  What did I do besides try to fix the computer, which did come online the next morning by itself?  Anyway, I decided I've had it, this is a ridiculous way to live.  A stroke doctor told me I am not living under normal stress but under a constant fight or flight state that will affect my health. I have had a stroke in the past but did not know it.  Our landlord just gave us notice to move (he is building on the property) so I hope I can find the strength and get my own place.  I feel so tired today but I can't live in this insanity any longer.  It breaks my heart but living like this is just plain stupid.  I can't believe how someone could take over my whole life with such unhealthy thinking and worst of all, I have allowed it.  I didn't understand BPD but I do now.  Thanks for listening.  Any advice is appreciated.

[highlife]

Yesterday the power went out for a split second and I lost the internet.  So I ran a troubleshooting program which told me to turn the modem off for 10 seconds, then on.  I did that and the internet did not come back on.  My husband (BP) was home and had a fit because he said you are not to touch the modem and just wait and I should know that.  From there it went to how I have destroyed his business and how horrible my kids are.  My husband's business is failing and I work for him (big mistake) so it is all my fault due to my bookkeeping, or lack of.  I have tried to work out a system with him but he does not read, concentrate or follow thru so it is impossible.  I try to explain that every month there is revenue and expenses and it's all on the bank statement so take a look, there is the answer.  I know that is a simplified version but I try everything to get thru to him.
 Of course, he refuses to see the black and white numbers.  It is a nightmare and I have put too much money out to try to support this business get off the ground and he is the WRONG person to be in business with.  Next, my kids who are in their 20's and on their own.  They don't like my husband because they say he confines me and they don't like how he speaks to me and they are right.  I have to ask permission to leave the house, I am timed, I can't even get to doctors' appointments never mind something fun like a friend or an activity.  So no wonder they don't like him and he does not "allow" me to see them because I have not taught them respect.  Then he got to the part where he stood over me and screamed I should be beaten.  One minute I was sitting at my computer perfectly happy, the power blip occurs because of a storm outside and next I am in living hell.  What did I do besides try to fix the computer, which did come online the next morning by itself?  Anyway, I decided I've had it, this is a ridiculous way to live.  A stroke doctor told me I am not living under normal stress but under a constant fight or flight state that will affect my health. I have had a stroke in the past but did not know it.  Our landlord just gave us notice to move (he is building on the property) so I hope I can find the strength and get my own place.  I feel so tired today but I can't live in this insanity any longer.  It breaks my heart but living like this is just plain stupid.  I can't believe how someone could take over my whole life with such unhealthy thinking and worst of all, I have allowed it.  I didn't understand BPD but I do now.  Thanks for listening.  Any advice is appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Circle]

H.L.,
Good work being in touch with your feelings and giving them credence. It is wild how one thing leads to the next and we find ourselves in situations like that. Glad that you are thinking of relocating. If you have to get out to avoid being beaten, etc, why not head to one of your kids' homes temporarily? You can answer that ? to yourself. The worst part is that we get tangled up in the emotions of the relationship, and sadness becomes a part of it. Once you disentagle yourself and look back, you will be blown away that you ever felt that way.

My advice: try to stop having sex with him. Sex is so strong that it keeps the emotional attachment alive. If you can disconnect from that, you can start to disconnect from the relationship in general. Also, don't feel like you have to explain yourself to him. He is not treating you in a way that should reciprocate a detailed explanation. 'I just don't feel like it' should suffice. If the crap hits the fan, leave and go somewhere safe for the night.

Hang in there. Sorry you are struggling with this stuff. It is so difficult and challenging. On the bright side, you are learning a lot that will help you with future relationships.

[Mutt]

Hi highlife,

I can't believe how someone could take over my whole life with such unhealthy thinking and worst of all, I have allowed it

I’d like to join Circle and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. I am glad that you decided to share that with us it helps to talk to others that have been in similar situations.

Don’t be hard on yourself this didn’t happen over night - it is insidious. Plus it’s hard to get objectionable feedback from a pwBPD and especially if you’re not talking to friends and family.

You mentioned fight or flight a pwBPD can cause anxiety and depression in those around them due to all of the negative and unrealistic feedback.

I wanted to address something do you feel safe?

Do you a have a T ( therapist ) As people you need that connection with others you can’t live on an island by yourself. He’s contracting himself when he says that you can’t talk to the kids because of lack of respect. The way that he treats is not respectful.

I think that a starting point would be focusing on self care and try to talk to family and friends. His issue with others is not because of you it’s because of himself, his insecurities, he’s missing  a stage in development with relationships.

[RBGE]

Hi highlife,

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are in and I have been there as far as being timed when you go out to run errands, get together with friends and family, etc. I get it. It can really wear you down.

I won't tell you whether or not to leave this person, but I want to second what Mutt said about self-care and seeing a therapist if you are not doing so already. Going to therapy is slowly but surely helping me build up the courage to leave my BPD wife. It is very tough when the other person does not realize that it is them who has the problem. 

[WindofChange]

Hello Highlife. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. It sounds unbelievably stressful and overwhelming. You're right, you need to leave. Are there family members or friends who will let you stay with them when you leave him? He sounds as if he is extremely controlling. Has he ever abused you physically? I am concerned about your safety when you leave.
I wish I had really good advice to give you. I don't. I can say it's good you're on this site, as there is a wealth of good information and support here. Keep posting and reaching out. You're stronger than you think. You can do this, you can get through it.

[highlife]

Thank you very much to the people who have replied to me.  You have given me food for thought and hope.  I understand what you are telling me, to end the isolation and reach out to others.  I don't have a therapist but speak to my doctor who is knowledgeable about bp.  Unfortunately my only option appears to be to go to a private therapist and that is not possible at this time because of finances and my husband would stand in the way.  Where I live, even the major mental health care offers limited counselling to bps only.  I will continue to look and see if I can find a bp counselling clinic.  In the meantime, I will listen to what you have to say, read this site, visit my doctor and reach out to friends and family.  I do try to stay physically healthy.  I eat well, exercise and try to stay at the right weight.  I have broken alot of bad habits due to stress and lost 15 lbs and find physical health contributes to a clearer head.  The book "Living on Eggshells" really hit the nail on the head for me.  It really helps me to hear all of you confirm I am dealing with someone who doesn't have a grip on reality and their actions.  I will stay in touch.  Again, thank you.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi highlife,

Just wanted to tell you that I understand, I have been there. It took me seven years to get the courage to leave my uBPDh and make some changes in my life. He wouldn't, so I had to, in order to stop the crazy train.

I am in trauma focused therapy now through my local dv services office. Have you considered calling a dv hotline or reaching out to any local dv services? Many people may not realize that dv is more than just getting beaten up. Everything you mentioned that your husband does is outlined on the Power and Control wheel of abuse, also called the Duluth model.

You may be able to receive free counseling from your local dv office.

I think you are on the right track. Dv services can also help you make a safety plan in the event that you do decide to leave.

Hang in there, you can do this. Letting an unstable and controlling person bully you can definitely affect your mental, physical and emotional health. It's not sustainable in the long run.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Ginnie]

Highlife,
While I have no advice to give, what you have written is very similar to what I am currently experiencing.  Sometimes just knowing you are not alone is all that is needed to get the energy and clarity to take the next step...and for that I thank you.