Please help, exhausted, hurting, confused mum of adult child

[MumbytheSea]

Hi, first time sharing, can’t get to sleep tonight, in fact I haven’t really slept the last few nights I am an adult child of a narcissist a survivor you might say but my issues in my adult life relate mainly to. my  adult daughter 28 years old, it was suggested to us (my husband and I) in 2017 after another smear campaign against me and following suicidal cries for help from her that my daughter may be BPD and or narcissistic. Our friend of the family had known us and this daughter for many years and observed the traits as they worked ‘in the filed’ Despite our attempts to get her in front of someone separately for an official diagnosis, we still haven’t managed to, but the Behavior goes on and my part is when things seem ok I can get too hopeful that things  have turned a corner and start to let my boundaries slip again. or downplay  the multitude of terrible ways she has hurt the family and I hope it’s not that bad ( all symptoms I used to have with my father before I got therapy and made the decision to go no contact, so this is all very triggering to me). I feel like I’m losing my own sanity now. I’m going to look for a therapist tomorrow for me because my health is suffering, my work, my otherwise very happy marriage, and I need to take action before it’s too late, my husband is going to get help too, he’s stood by me and tried to support me through it all as all her anger and rage as well as her neediness and emotional blackmail are aimed at me. She’s turned my sister  against me and uses my granddaughter like a pawn to try and get what she wants. I’m so worried for that little girl and to be honest it’s the only reason now that I’m trying to hang in there at all. I try to hold on to the truth that I have 3 other children who insist they had a lovely childhood and say I am and was a great mum, the biggest problem they had was (the daughter in question) their eldest sister  bullying them if I was out which all started when she was 10/11 years old., but my daughter has said so many terrible things and made such dreadful accusations that I have had to examine, had to face head on;, did I miss something, could I have missed something so serious?  and I have gone back over everything and while it wasn’t perfect ( divorce, and a couple of brief failed relationships And mainly ,long stretches of time as a single mum so money was tight, but I worked and went back to get a degree)  but we were such a close and mainly happy unit, the kids and I, ( apart from my daughter from that age onwards)I just can’t see how or when she would have got so damaged as to explain all this. Her father and grandfather (my dad) both had personality and addiction problems  so I don’t know if it’s genetic? She is the eldest and has a brother by same dad a year younger. I left their dad when her brother was 1 and she was 2 and they didn’t see him again until they were 10 & 11, I then couldn’t let them see him again because he left them alone in his flat and went out with friends and they were terrified and I don’t think she ever forgave me, this also ties in with when her behaviour really started changing. As soon as she was 16 she went to find him and did, despite him still being an alcoholic/ taking drugs and generally being a mad eccentric with it, he was wonderful in her eyes  and I was forever less than. He died at 49 in 2017 which triggered her a major episode of change  then, and I’ve tried to be there for her  but she’s just done it again, reams and reams of messages detailing all the wrongs I’ve done her  in her mind and blaming me and even claiming totally false things that relate to her siblings that can quite easily be disputed I know in my right mind I should not believe her or take it personally but.  she is such a wordsmith, words are her weapons ( so like my father and it is so triggering and I’m having nightmares about my dad again and feel completely re traumatised). I’m tired. I feel done. I feel broken down again for the first time in years. Im angry that I’m now going to have to go through getting help again. I thought I was done with all that. And I’m . Sorry it’s such a splurge, a splurge that only scratches the surface unfortunately I’m just trying to get clarity sorry.. Christ I hope this is a safe space.  Thanks for being somewhere for me to talk tonight.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am so sorry you had the need to find us but very happy you did.  this is a very safe place where you will get support and validation as you work your way through these challenges.  I too am a daughter of a disordered parent and can relate to being triggered and being frustrated that certain triggers still happen and I have to still work on the damage.  I, however, do not have the challenge of having my own child being disordered.  I just wanted to let you know I get it as much as I can and let you know that others on this board are parents and will be able to relate to that part of your experiences.

I do want to say that a lot of parents will ask if they did anything to cause the disorder.  Research has shown that there is a genetic component to BPD.   The good news is that you are in a place where you can learn new ways of interacting with your daughter that can help you cope better and possibly help your daughter as well.  We have seen some great success stories here and we have also seen parents make their own progress.  None of this is intuitive so I hope you settle in and read and post.  A good place to start is here:  HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE

As I said above, I am an adult child of as well and we have a Parent, sibling and In-law board here as well should you ever want help working through your own triggers.  I do know that often times kids, our own or not, can bring out issues we thought we buried or dealt with long ago.  You are not alone and you will get support and acceptance here.

Again,

[FaithHopeLove]

Mumbythesea. I don't have answers or advice for you right now. Others will though I am sure. But I can respond to your concern about this being safe space here. It definitely IS. I have been posting for a while now and sharing lots of very personal things so I know the '"Christ this better be safe" feeling. I am happy to say everyone and I mean everyone has been supportive, validating, and nonjudgmental. Also the moderators are very much on top of things. You are safe.

[Only Human]

Hi Mumbythesea 

I join Harri and Faith in welcoming you to BPD family.

As Faith said, this is a very safe place and I hope you settle in here - we get it, you are not alone.

Any luck with finding a therapist?

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Hi Mumbythesea

I join friends here, welcoming you and I too want to assure you this is a safe place to share and receive much needed support from parents who understand.

Right now I hear you need a HUGE hug     and to feel the kindness of others 

We've got you.

WDx

[Huat]

Hi Mumbythesea

I'm jumping in with the others above in welcoming you to, YES, a safe place.  This is the first and only time I have ever participated in a "chat line."  I have never shared this information with anyone...not even my husband.  This is MY space and I hope it turns out to be that for you, too.

I remember crying as I wrote my first post.  It took a long time for me to push "send."  I held my breath...then started to read those wonderful responses...and I cried some more...but different tears.  Being here and getting the support I have has been a life-changer for me.

No parent wants to hear from their child what you are hearing from yours.  How can someone you love so much cause such pain? 

You write..." I try to hold on to the truth that I have 3 other children who insist they had a lovely childhood and say I am and was a great mum."  Oh Mumbythesea, you hold on to those words!  Part of healing is being validated and you are getting well-deserved validation from the most important and knowing people in your life.  Sadly, the truth is that your 28-year-old is the one with the problem.

It was very difficult for me to move from being the victim in response to my daughter's bullying.    From a teenager on, her weapon has been written words...sometimes pages and pages.   Instead of ignoring the last e-mail, I wrote back telling her that I will always love her and never again will I justify-argue-defend-explain (acronym JADE) what has transpired in the past.  I actually gave her permission (how empowering for me!) to keep writing, telling her I felt it was important...for her...to express her feelings.  Now, that is not to say I will read it all if/when she corresponds again.  I have learned (am learning) how to protect myself.

I really do feel your hurt.  As a parent this is not what any of us envisioned in our futures as we held that new-born miracle in our arms years ago.   We were their first role models and it is up to us to continue to role-model.  We convey to them that their some of their behaviours are unacceptable.  We work on keeping our dignity as we interact with them, drawing on the skills we can teach ourselves to use.

Hope you soon find a compatible therapist for yourself...and hope you continue to find this as a supportive community as you move forward to better tomorrows...and they really can be better.

Huat