Separated from BPD wife now going through divorce

[clawingout]

hello, where do I start. I have been with my partner for the last 12 years. married for 8. we have 2 children, 1 from her previous marriage the second ours. we are both nurses. when we met she told me about her abusive ex husband and we were a perfect match. she was and is beautiful, fun, amazing sexual partner. for the first couple of years no problems that I could see. we brought a house together then after our daughter things started to unravel. he moods changed and she needed time of work and I took time off to help. she would develop cuts and burns with explanations of where they came from. she had gyne surgery but suffered with unusual bleeding post procedure. I found out she had been stealing medication from work. I spoke to a friend in management who said I should support her to stop and look at her changing jobs. we then moved to be closer to her family so we moved from England to Scotland. she was stable for a year then I found medication which was not hers. she had become addicted to  codeine and  attended drugs rehab. at work she fell ill and later found out she had self injected insulin to drop her blood sugars and ended up in resus. she fell out with friends and attempted suicide on my 40th birthday and 2 weeks later and other paracetamol OD. at her request we moved again to live in the same town as her folks. however this did not help. from there she continued to take medication. she was admitted to a mental health hospital for treatment. afterward being discharged she had another crisis and went missing for 8 hours to try another OD which police and mountain rescue had to find her. at home I found a psychiatrist  letter to her diagnosing BPD and Munchausen's disorder. the letter stated she had broke her own waters 5 weeks early. it also stated that she said her brother inappropriately touched her growing up. the next week she tried another OD. she was self harming by cutting her vagina having surgery to repair the wound then reopening the wounds this had gone on for about 6 month during and prior the crisis. she admitted she was doing this to herself.   on discharge she was picked up by a patient she met in the mental health hospital and went to his flat without telling anyone. he had previously been in prison for underage sex (2 years sentence) violence (1 year).
she was brought home by the police as a vulnerable adult. she defended his criminal past as he 'gets her' she then left the house again to try and harm herself. after this she went back to hospital and told the crisis team she wasn't welcome any where and was set up in a flat but we were not told where due to patient confidality.  she again met the same man in the flat and the end of the week slit her wrist. I picked her up from the hospital after more surgery to repair the wound,  cleaned out the flat including the blood stained bath and brought her home. we argued about the man and she move in with her folks. she came round to watch tv one day and when upstairs and her phone messaged while I was sat next to it. it was the same man. I went upstairs angry and told her to leave pulling blankets out of her hands as she was making a bed. she left and that night I was arrested for domestic violence.  I was cleared after 6 hours and brought home. she also planed drugs and called the police. if I get charged with anything I lose my carer. after this shse tried to hang herself.  she then wanted a divorce and blames me for all her woes. she accuses me of abuse throughout the marriage exactly the same as her first husband. we separated in September and now my daughter informed me mummy has a new boyfriend.  this has probably been the most difficult thing I have ever been through. sorry it was so long winded. there is still things I missed off what she did! the straw that broke the camels back for me was the other guy. I was and still am trauma bonded to her. as we have children we will always be around each other. she is still the same person and will cycle the same behaviours. hell on earth.  

[Ozzie101]

Welcome, clawingout! You've found a supportive, understanding group here, full of people who can understand what you're going through.

I'm so, so sorry.  It sounds like you have a LOT on your shoulders and a lot to deal with. It definitely sounds like you've been through hell. Unfortunately, a pwBPD accusing her partner of domestic violence (when it was the other way around) is not uncommon. I'm very glad you were cleared. As far as future allegations, members here have had some experience in dealing with that situation and there are steps you can take to protect yourself. I'll see if I can find a helpful article.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions. Are you very far along in the divorce process? How are your children dealing with everything?

Also, do you have a good support system of friends and family? That can be so important. So is self-care so I hope you're doing things to look after yourself in the midst of all this.

Edited to add:
Here's a book about divorcing a person with BPD:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0

This is a workshop thread for men and domestic violence. Much of the info is US-based, but could still be helpful.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

I hope those give some help. And please keep posting! We want to help and want to know how you're doing!

[clawingout]

Thanks for the reply. We were in the end stages of divorce. House house split sorted. We were going to go to mediation over our daughter. However yesterday I said I was having her 6 days straight as I was on annual leave and working the end if the week. But she went mad because I was having her for 6 days and contacted the solicitors to lodge a complaint. Even though in 2 weeks time she is away with her new boyfreind and I'm working the end of the following week and I have my daughter for 6 days but because it suits her it's OK then. I'm back at work. I go boxing and speak to a therapist but only 2 sessions left. I've had suicide thoughts. It's been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. It the smear campaign and the total denial of any wrong doing is a constant pressure. It makes you want to scream out to express how you feel and try to let people understand what she's done. Because she's stable at the minute somehow her family forget everything and join in on blaming me. Even though they have gone through the same stuff with her before we met. And all went through it together the last time.

[Harri]

Hi clawing out and thanks for sharing your story here.  I am so sorry for all you are dealing with.  

Your name is apt.  It is indeed like clawing your way out of the ground when trying to deal with and heal from these relationships.

I'm back at work. I go boxing and speak to a therapist but only 2 sessions left. I've had suicide thoughts.

Work, boxing and therapy is excellent.  Can you elaborate more on your suicidal thoughts?  I am concerned and do not want to ignore this part of what you wrote here.  Is your therapist aware that you have had thoughts of suicide?  I am wondering if telling her will get you some more visits?  How far do these thoughts go?

/Talk with us.  We can help and support you and we can also refer your to local resources.  It is anonymous here.  

 

[clawingout]

My birthday was difficult. I was very much alone and thought if I went out the same day I arrived. I wrote a letter telling people I loved them. Then I got too her... I started thanking her for kids and good times then it became venomous and wicked blaming her for my death because of her lies and what she put me through. I re read it and though she had not killed me I killed me. She would win and justify all she said. What I wrote wasn't me,it was what she had changed in me. That stage is over I'm just looking a head now. The lies what she told when we went to court really hurt. My son who isn't mine as I met her before he could walk, he's now 12 and I don't see him. She said his choice but i know its just trauma bonding again for him. That's difficult. He first husband abused her... Well that's what she said and I believed her. Now she said all the same things about me and taking no responsibility for her actions. But as you know really common for BPD. I think it's difficult for people to understand what you go through and continue to without experancing it themselfs. And you have to try and stem the tidle wave of information you want to tell them. You just end up looking crazy.

[Harri]

Hi again.  So much of what you wrote sounds familiar, if not from my own experiences, from reading other stories here.  I know it is not much comfort, but you are not alone in this.  The good news is that you are reaching out for help and fighting the depression and you are in a good safe place to talk. 

I don't think writing your anger and hurt out makes you wicked.  Writing is actually a good way to deal with the emotions.  I just wish it were not in a suicide letter.      I am very glad you chose differently and saw other options. 

Are you getting local help in your community?  We can help and support you to a certain extent here but it is different when you can sit down and talk with someone in person.  I will urge you to keep posting here.  We are here 24/7 and while we might not get to your posts immediately, we will talk with you asap. 

 

And you have to try and stem the tidle wave of information you want to tell them. You just end up looking crazy.

You don't have to worry about this here.  Not with us.  We get it.

Belated birthday wishes to you.   

[itsmeSnap]

Hey there clawing out

That sounds very difficult what you're going through.

My parents (dad BPD) also did the smear campaign when they started divorcing, I know it gets ugly real fast. Its not the same situation as I'm not the one directly involved, though it did hurt seeing my parents thrashing each other's personalities and behaviors with others and to each other, but I found it helpful not to engage with it, know its about their heightened emotions and less so about you, though it is directed at you.

It got better after a while, I'm sure things will get better for you as well.

I wrote a letter telling people I loved them.

I know you mentioned you moved a lot because of her issues, so I'm going to second what Harri asked: do you have friends/family you can contact directly? even a video call can make you feel connected, and in this difficult situations its as important as ever to have someone to rely on.

We do support each other here as well, so keep us posted!

[Ozzie101]

Clawingout, I second what Harri says. Writing is very therapeutic and an excellent way to release pent-up emotions. I keep a journal and have written some epically long posts here  and both have helped me a lot.

Please keep reaching out to us. As Harri and Snap said, people here understand. No defense or explanations necessary. We get it. And we've got you. Just keep writing and talking.

[clawingout]

I have support around me. Its easy to reach out and have freinds listen. But then you feel it's too much for them. I started to speak to her first husband who she was married for less than a year. Although not as bad he had the same kind of issues. Apparently he came home one day and she said she had started a relationship with a patient so ended their marragie. Then went on straight after that to me calling him an abusive husband. Sounds familiar? She moved away with his son who I raised and didn't tell him where. Guess what she told me shes planning on moving 2 hours away to live closer to her new fella but not telling me the area. She claims she has the kids best interest however happy to move schools, freinds, family because she has her new guy on a pedastal. Having to go back to court.

[Longterm]

I feel for You, I really do.

It's so difficult when you are trying so hard to help and are receiving the blame. I would concentrate on the kids the best you can and try to see yourself as rebuilding a new life away from this dysfunction because it is something you simply must do.

[clawingout]

update: finalising divorce. we had a row outside of court. she went home took a OD and according to her and her folks it was my fault. getting use to being blamed for her choices and behaviours. I am now going for custody of our daughter. its hard because having her 3 days a week works well for me. I work as much as I need and have free time. And if my ex was well this would be great...but she's not. they argue that she's much better now and then has one disagreement and straight to the pills. my daughter is 8. if in 10 years time the ex carries on the same behaviour and my daughter asks me why I left her to live with it I cannot say because it made my life easier that is no excuse. I fear the courts are sympathetic because she puts on a victim face. they say she's a victim of an abusive husband and she is venerable and cannot help what she does.  the lies are soo easy for her. im in a better place now. I know it was all fake the whole relationship. I was just the next supply much like the boyfriend now. I don't blame him as he will be told all the same things I was. I know she will always be like she is her latest suicide shows this. im looking forward to finding my perfect home making it mine and building a amazing relationship with my daughter.