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Author Topic: My anxiety about leaving uBPDd caused me to cancel important travel plans  (Read 371 times)
Manifest32f
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« on: February 26, 2019, 07:21:54 PM »

This thread is continued from here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333534.new#new

Hi:
I am sorry to share some bad news but desperately need some support & suggestions re next steps. About 10days ago, my only surviving brother(I had 4 & 3 already passed) took ill suddenly & passed away yesterday. It was his wish not to do anything intrusive and they followed his wishes, except for making him somewhat comfortable. I hadn’t seen him in >4yrs & we spoke sporadically. I spoke to my SIL as soon as I heard about it although couldn’t talk to him. It is still slowly sinking in. Because my BIL is very unwell, and upon my daughter’s urging & our discussing it with my nephew, we made our booking to leave in about 4 weeks from now. My H & I are trying to organize all paperwork so our uBPDd will be able to manage, clear the apartment of unwanted clutter, etc. as much as possible. It’s after discussing with her that we started everything. Today, our D is denying that we ever discussed or told her anything definite, trying to make us feel completely guilty & useless, saying she feels cheated, etc. I am at a point where I feel is this all worth it for me to ever dream of going away anywhere or I should just give up and not bother anymore. Do you feel this much of heartache, fight & argument back and forth worth the trouble? I just want to give up dreaming of ever getting away from this miserable existence unless I also luck out like my B & pass away quickly and suddenly.
I am so sorry to bother you all. I have no place else to express how I feel except here since we are all in this journey together. My H doesn’t understand her and wants me to stop bothering about how she acts/reacts, saying ‘she must be kidding if she thinks she can dictate to us’ while she tells me ‘we never respect her enough to discuss anything before making any decision, whether moving an item from one spot to another or bigger things like moving half way across the world’, not accepting her responsibility in always avoiding discussing any difficult topic, with an excuse, ‘I am very tired- is it life and death issue or can it wait for later?’
I never dreamt my life was going to be this complicated!
Love you all for reading and your support!
« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 09:29:27 PM by Harri » Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2019, 09:26:40 AM »

Hey Manifest,

Firstly I am very sad to hear about your B, I couldn't imagine losing either of my 2 sisters. Please take time to reflect on this relationship and the times you had together in the past. It sounds like it's tough to find time to manage your own emotions whilst you're thinking about everyone else's. It will likely catch up with you at some point so do what you need to do to make space. You are important as well.

We knew this might happen with your D, as certain things happen, as the day gets closer and plans become reality the fear is likely to ramp up. The important thing to remember is you know what is going on. I know you might be having moments of doubt but this is what the disorder does, and I am pretty sure this wont be the end of it for you. Although your H is correct in his statement, he comes from a different place, he comes from a place of frustration and lack of understanding... empathise with him, he's not in a place to understand her like you do. That said, you had the conversation, you booked the trip, it's for a good reason (and that reason could have been you deserve a holiday... you're allowed you know), you consulted her when you didn't need to... now you need to follow through.

Validate the emotion e.g. I appreciate you're worried... BUT NOT I'm sorry I deceived you. Put the ball back in her court... What would you like us to do about this trip? I think it's important for you to remain calm and rational and put the ownership of her dysregulation back on her. Avoid telling her that "you'll be alright", "it'll be okay", these comments are not what she wants to hear and frankly, just because you say there's not baddies hiding under her bed or ghosts living in the loft doesn't mean she'll believe you.

Calmly keep control, move forward with compassion and keep responsibility on her to deal with her.

Enabler
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Manifest32f
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« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2019, 09:23:59 PM »

Thank you for the encouraging words, Enabler. However we decided to just cancel the trip and any idea of going anywhere unless she sits with us when we plan anything. This morning started with a # of texts (15 long ones to be exact) on her way to work and neither of us responded until we were ready and just sent a short text to say that we are not going and that we canceled our booking. She didn’t respond and when she came home, she didn’t say ‘hi’ or anything, ate something from fridge and went into her room. Both of us knocked once on her door and she didn’t respond so we left her alone. It’s past 10pm and we don’t want her to start an argument saying we are disturbing her going to bed. As we know our udBPDs need little to no excuse to start dysregulating and making everyone discombobulated
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« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2019, 12:09:32 AM »

Morning morning,

Okay, you’ve made a decision and informed your D. You’re at the coal face, I’m not, so you are better positioned to make that call.

Could you spend a moment or two telling me what you think now on:

- why did she go straight to her room, what emotion do you think she is experiencing now?

- what did your actions teach her about conflict and discomfort?

- what might happen in future situations where you want X and she does t feel comfortable with that?

- what did you gain from cancelling the trip?

- what did you lose out on cancelling the trip?

Maybe you could sit with your H and answer these questions.

Enabler
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« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2019, 11:27:20 PM »

Dear Enabler:
A lot has happened since your wonderful advice. We were preparing to get the tickets last Tuesday and when my H called my uBPDd, she wanted to know when we were coming back (despite our letting her know that we were getting one way tickets now with our mileage & once we get there) and my H said, maybe July. She flipped & demanded that we give her the details of our return & from there, it started going downhill very quickly. My H doesn’t understand how anxious she can get & however much I truly to give him some guidance on how to prepare her, he never takes my suggestions. So, she stopped talking to us until this evening, except for fighting and shouting at us for being who we are, inconsiderate, selfish, egocentric, etc. However after her initial outburst over the phone we had not been able to inform her that we did not get our tickets and she didn’t read any of the texts we sent her. She was furious and verbally accusing us and not allowing us to respond in any way. Today when she asked about the date of departure, we told her we didn’t get the tickets yet and she started screaming and demanding that we leave as planned and not a day later and also not come back! So we told her we would get the tickets right away for the same day if available and followed up on that but could get tickets for 2days later. We have not told her yet since she went to sleep with a headache and sinus meds to relieve the pain. We plan on letting her know gently (I hope my H handles it ok this time around) tomorrow morning and reassure her that once we get there, and organize some things, we can discuss our return and if she wants us to return sooner, we would do so. That’s why I don’t want to get return tickets yet but if she wants us to give her a date, I can go online and make the booking so she could be at peace.
I am very stressed and hope it will go smoothly tomorrow when we inform her. I have not had any time to really mourn the loss of my B except when I am lying awake into the wee hours and shed some tears. I worry about my D, her anger and rage makes me very sad and helpless. She repeatedly said that we don’t EVER ask her what she wants to do, what she likes, whether it’s job, food, etc. etc. What she does not want to hear is, the # of times I have tried to encourage her to do something that makes her happy, relax, etc. whether it’s going to theater, doing yoga/meditation or gym or something else. I have repeatedly asked her to go look for jobs elsewhere, take off some time, just look at options in other places, etc. & connected her with people who are very willing to help- net working. She doesn’t follow through with anything & people give up after some time. She feels ashamed but puts the blame on others, saying they don’t care, they just tell me but not really mean it, etc.
I am sorry I have blabbered on & on. I hope everything goes well for us tomorrow and until after we leave. Thanks for all your help. Take care.
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« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2019, 12:10:48 AM »

Hi Manifest,

First of all I would like to say I'm really sorry about your B and I do hope you take some time for yourself. I do not write much because I am new here and always learning.
My uBPDD is in no contact ATM and TBH I do not mind as I need a mental break and for the first time in 27years, I am doing some self care. I never knew what that really meant until late December, Early January and I am thankful for that.
The reason I wanted to write to you was I understand how you feel. My D would make me feel soo guilty if I thought of going on a trip yet it was quite OK for her to go on lots of trips. I remember a few years ago, my D spent 9 weeks travelling through Mexico and had a wonderful time. 6 months later, my DH and I went to Europe for 3 weeks and boy oh boy, was there drama before we left and while we were away.
My neighbour even called us while we were overseas due to our D fighting with her boyfriend at the time and crying in our street. I decided not to call her and let her sort it out herself and you know what, she did. She left a letter for me when we got home and she said I know I caused drama but it's for me to sort this stuff out. In one of our carer's meeting, a couple also decided to go on a 2 week holiday and their daughter was suicidal at times. The daughter ended up one day calling her mum and telling her mum she took herself to hospital because she was afraid for herself. The daughter ended up staying in hospital until the parents came back, giving the parents a well deserved holiday knowing their daughter was safe. I am no expert but I just think your daughter might see this as being abandoned but somehow our kids work it out.
I love the questions enabler asked you. I think there are some wonderful questions for all of us to ask ourselves when we are in these situations. I hope it all goes OK for you and your H and I do hope you go through with this trip. As my T tells me, we cannot change anyone 's thoughts, we cannot change anyone's perception on what is happening at the time and we cannot stop our children from harming themselves or doing anything they want to do. It is out of our control and you do deserve a break and a little holiday with your H. You might find that you end up being a different person when you come back, a little break, mental and physical does a world of wonder. I will keep you and your husband in my prays tonight, good luck   
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« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2019, 12:22:20 AM »

Hi Newoutlook:
Thanks for your very encouraging words of support. I hope we get the break we need and deserve- I booked our tickets for end of the month and will let our uBPDd know tomorrow. Wish we all did not have to go through so much pain and stress. Take care.
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« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2019, 02:46:07 AM »

As my T tells me, we cannot change anyone 's thoughts, we cannot change anyone's perception on what is happening at the time and we cannot stop our children from harming themselves or doing anything they want to do.

Hey Manifest,

Hope it goes well today. newoutlook's T makes a very valid point. We really cannot control the way that other people think, in the same way they cannot control how we think. Time and time again people say "My W/D/S/H made me feel so guilty", don't get me wrong I can totally understand how this happens and totally understand how we perceive it that the other person 'made' me feel guilty... BUT, no one else has the power to make us feel anything if we don't let them.

I prattle on about this often but I think it's a pretty good way of conceptualising things...
- Knowledge and understanding are your shield, by grasping what is going on in a situation you can effectively decide what emotions you want to feel vs the attack from your D. "She's likely feeling abandoned, what she is saying about me is not true, I will let that go and not take it personally."
- Empathy is your helmet, protecting your own sanity is key to being able to effectively manoeuvre around your D. Not protecting you head in crazy making situations may lead to you making poor decisions. Being able to put yourself in her shoes, feel the way that she feels will enable you to work out what is going on and how she may react.
- Communication tools are your sword. This could be spoken words as well as knowing when to let things be and let her sort her own things out. Communication tools enable you to deliver hard facts and bring your D closer to reality in tough times. They allow you to sooth her without reinforcing distorted thoughts. They are not a cure, but they do progressively change the balance from making things worse to making things better.

I know I make it sound like a battle, which sounds pretty cruel when talking about your DD, but I guess sometimes it does feel like a daily battle and it's certainly absorbing a lot of your time and emotional energy. Getting to a point where it doesn't require much emotional energy is key. I found with my very young kids that I was investing far far far too much emotional energy trying to get them to think rationally, it's only been in the last couple of years that I have learnt that this was peeing in the proverbial wind.

Keep the emotional ball in your D's side of the court, let her deal with it. Be kind and fair to both her and yourself. Stay the path and avoid changing your reasonable plans to bend around your D's changing feelings, let your D's feelings align to reality.

Enabler
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« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2019, 05:50:01 AM »

PS... could you answer my questions? I think it will be a positive thinking process.

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« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2019, 09:43:13 AM »

Enabler, thank you for your remarks about the helmet and sword. This information helps me.
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« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2019, 09:49:04 AM »

Hey FaithHopeLove, how has this helped you? We all try and rationalise things in a way that works for us, I'm super glad I managed to put it in a way that worked for you as well.

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« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2019, 10:00:56 AM »

Enabler, what helped me was realizing empathy for my son is protecting ME. I already knew it protects him from feeling invalidated but I never realized it also protects me from taking his anger personally. What you said about communication skills also helped. Although I know these skills are important and try to use them it can be frustrating because I don't always see a lot of progress. Your words served as an affirmation of hope. Hope is a big deal for me. So thanks again
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« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2019, 10:09:32 AM »

A friend said to me recently "how do you stop yourself from getting hurt?" to which I said, "I used a shield"... "Ahhhhh" he said "so you build emotional walls!"... "Noo, to have a relationship you have to be vulnerable, the difference between a shield and a wall is the permanence of it nature. A wall doesn't permit vulnerability and is there no matter what your foe may be doing. A shield can be put down, held to the side, even thrown away when it's not needed... thus allowing me the luxury of vulnerability when it's safe to do so."

Keep you vulnerability behind the safety of your shield else become cold of heart. Your son needs you in many respects. Sometimes that need is to hurt you with his words. That's not for you to take, but it is for you to protect yourself against such that you're strong enough to fight for both of you another day.

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« Reply #13 on: March 10, 2019, 05:06:48 PM »

Hi Enabler:
I love the shield concept and will try that and hope it works better. Here is what has been happening recently. I bought  our tickets for the end of the month. My uBPDd flipped and is giving us hell and tears
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« Reply #14 on: March 10, 2019, 11:01:57 PM »

Hi Manifest,

Thanks for the update.

Excerpt
I bought our tickets for the end of the month.

It's great you bought your tickets. I'm sure this is a very emotional time for you and I hope you're able to have some special time with your BIL and family.

Excerpt
I am at a point where I feel is this all worth it for me to ever dream of going away anywhere or I should just give up and not bother anymore. Do you feel this much of heartache, fight & argument back and forth worth the trouble?

Arguing about this, the heartache that comes, is surely difficult for you all. You have really done all you can to help make any transition smooth for your DD and you've booked your tickets. In another post you shared that you felt this trip will be a good way to test the waters, so to speak, so that you will feel more at ease when you move away. It may help to keep that in mind in the coming days and find a way to not engage in arguing about this. I don't mean to refuse to discuss it, but that it may be best to stick to validating her feelings and avoid JADE'ing. How does this look to you?

My BFF and I have mock conversations to help us prepare for difficult conversations with our pwBPD (for me, my DD - for her, her mom) and it may be helpful for you to do the same, here with us. You don't have to do this alone.

What do you think she might say in the days leading up to your trip and how do you hope to respond, to help end the cycle of conflict?

~ OH
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« Reply #15 on: March 11, 2019, 02:02:49 AM »

Hi manifest

I’ve only been briefly popping in and found your post. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss - I lost my brother so I know.

Such great advice and questions for you to really reflect on - maybe when you’re away and have some space, when things are calmer,  it may be easier to reflect. I’m still learning.

You’ve got to deal with the build up now and it might be helpful to be a few steps ahead. Getting yourself a few stock answers under your belt that give sympathy, empathy and truth (always said with a loving warm open heart).  No justifying, arguing, defending or explaining.

Yes, you want to help your daughter cope in the build up to you leaving. I’d be the same.

You must cope also. This is as much about you both as her.

OH asks great questions about how to deal with the lead up to going.

You must be strong and straight because you know she can push your buttons. For what it’s worth, son28 needs to know timeframes (Id tell him when I was getting back). However, if I wanted an open ended trip then that’s what I’d do.

You and your husband have decided to take a holiday.. Your daughter is fearful and you totally understand.. That’s the truth. My advice is stick to the truth.

What does your “break” look like to you?  Are you going to be contacting daughter? If so how often and in what manner? Now. Is the time to think ahead and set the scene.

The weight that lifted from our shoulders was unbelievable. We always made sure we enjoyed every single minute. I wouldn’t allow my fears to enter my head when I was away. I needed that “break” to think of other things, to restore myself.

I had to be strong beforehand. I had to protect my time away too. We all need a break sometimes. It isn’t selfish. It’s called having my own life.

LP
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« Reply #16 on: March 11, 2019, 05:48:00 AM »

Hi Enabler:
I love the shield concept and will try that and hope it works better. Here is what has been happening recently. I bought  our tickets for the end of the month. My uBPDd flipped and is giving us hell and tears

Manifest,

Well done for being brave.

Do you feel like you have been unkind to your D by buying the tickets?

Given what you've learnt and experienced in the past, did you expect your D to flip out and cry?

Why do you think she might be doing this?

What do you expect next on the horizon in the coming weeks?

Enabler
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« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2019, 10:39:33 PM »

Hi Everyone:
You all are amazing and you guys give me great support, you have no idea how blessed I feel! Our tickets are confirmed and we have been dealing with ‘blow hot, blow cold’ treatment from our D. She is ok one minute only to turn completely opposite the next & when that happens, she is horrible. She has gone without communicating much with us except to blame us for not including her in our decision making although she was the one who gave us the ultimatum recently threatening us with ‘booting us out of the apartment’ since she pays the rent for the past couple of months (we paid for 40+ years!), and we decided to leave asap instead of going through the humiliation. This annoyed her to a great extent because she didn’t expect us to take action! Now she is demanding that we apologize for all that she sees as us not having done for her all these years, always blaming each & everything as our fault and so we owe her an apology and a promise never to repeat the ‘same mistakes again ‘. It is very humiliating and disgusting and I refused say anything that is untrue on her part which is aggravating her and she becomes belligerent. She doesn’t like it that I qualify my statement like ‘I am sorry my not asking you...when you were about to go to bed makes it seem like I don’t care, when actually I didn’t want to discuss it because I care that you got your sleep’. As with BPDs, it’s damned if I do & damned if I don’t with her & she will go on for a couple of minutes, arguing and lecturing me & then blame me for not letting her sleep. Just as I am writing this, she came by asking me to talk to her with great caution, using the right words and apologize for I know not what and then be polite since I have not discussed anything re moving furniture around after painting is done this week. BTW she forgets that I am doing her a favor by getting the job done & instead of working with me, she is busy giving me ultimatums! I am sorry I am very upset & stressed and pouring it all here. I am  really counting down to our trip. As for how often we plan on calling each other,  I told her that we can always touch base and talk & that I love her very much because she was very stressed last night and we wanted to reassure her but maybe that was a bad idea? Please give me your feedback- I could use all the support I can get
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« Reply #18 on: March 12, 2019, 08:35:15 AM »

Great to hear from you Manifest,

Lean into the shock waves and soak them up with your shield... answering the questions below will help reinforce your shield:

Do you feel like you have been unkind to your D by buying the tickets?

Given what you've learnt and experienced in the past, did you expect your D to flip out and cry?

Why do you think she might be doing this?

What do you expect next on the horizon in the coming weeks?


Come back to these questions time and time and time again... ideally before reacting, such that you will respond to her (as she requested).

Are my choices and actions fair to both me and her on balance. Am I acting in a reasonable adult way given her age, whilst considering the knowledge that she is emotionally sensitive.

Is the reaction I am experience in context with what I know about BPD, how much of what she says should be discarded as "BPD vomit"?

Do I need to take any action? Often the answer is no.

What is the likely reaction to my action?


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« Reply #19 on: March 13, 2019, 01:18:45 AM »

Hi:
Re whether I was unfair to my D, the answer is no. I have been saying that I want to go away for a very long time (maybe 10yrs) once I decide to retire & she has settled down. She found it convenient not to really move out although she blames us for it, and maybe my H was somewhat responsible partly. Usually single woman in my H’s family do not live on their own, especially in the same city and however much I tried to tell him that she should be living on her own for nearly 15 years or more, both of them half heartedly looked for apartment and nothing was good enough. Now my D blames us fully although she went along with it all this time. She not only got free food and shelter but also a maid, cook, etc. all-in-one in me! She rarely did any chores and when she said she would, it was always ‘in a little while’. My H & I are impatient and will do it rather than wait, which is our fault. My D is very capable but like our T said, lazy! Now is her chance to see and make it work for herself. She is very worried and I understand that. I get angry when she is unfairly demanding I do a 100 things before we leave because I ‘promised’ her which is not exactly right because what she expects is impossible to accomplish in less than 2 weeks! She knows that & wants to see me react so she can start an argument and end up with blaming me and a crying spell. She wants me to ask her 100 things from all times past, from if she is happy, what will make her happy, enroll her in various classes, visit places, museums, plays and musicals, the list goes on and on...We have Tkts bought for 3 plays/musicals wasted ($600+), & when we ask about that, her answer is we did not ask her before we got them or we got them only because she had to keep asking for it- damned if I do, damned if I don’t way. So we stopped and it is always a topic she brings up, comparing us to other parents and how stingy we are, etc. just to get a reaction. If we don’t react, she starts crying saying maybe we think she doesn’t deserve to be treated with love and care. We repeatedly say we love her and leave it at that. Since both my H & I retired we tell her we are on fixed income and can’t afford it. Then she finds something else to start. You will not believe it when I say we are so looking forward to this trip. I am praying it goes smoothly. To give her a boost, I am taking her on a 4 day trip so we can spend some time together and hope it helps and we enjoy and relax. Every day she is starting some argument as she leaves for work and continues with texts all day long and I choose not to respond to them since they are very disturbing and painful. Then she blames me for ignoring her text and I just apologize & she starts another round of accusations. I am at the stage where I am counting down every hour. I hope our trip together makes her acknowledge how much I love her. Please pray for me to have the strength to ride the storm! Love you all & take care. Any suggestion is welcome. I greatly appreciate it. Thanks
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« Reply #20 on: March 13, 2019, 09:51:51 AM »

There's a lot going on there but a couple of bits stuck out.

I don't know about you but when I returned home from Uni I was pretty desperate to get out of my parents house. Not because I didn't like my parents or because I didn't enjoy the home cooked meals my mum prepared, but because I was acutely aware that I was different to them. I didn't share the same values and I wanted to make my own way in my own place. I had a friend who had a HUGE bedroom at home, when he came back from his first term at uni he found a bunch of wardrobes had been placed in the middle of the room to essentially halve the size of his room. Each holiday the cupboards moved a couple inches reducing his 'room' and expanding 'the office'. He got the message and moved out. Yes he made some mistakes for a few years but he learnt his own way. I wonder whether you have to edge your daughter whom is an adult towards the door and encourage her to fly the nest. Maybe set a date for this? Why is your H looking for a flat? She has eyes and the internet, let her choose somewhere. Which leads to my next point.

It would appear you are constantly taking the one down position to her. You're her subordinate regardless of whether or not you are providing for the majority of her needs. I left my family home among other things because I didn't want to be subordinate to my parents anymore. I wanted to respect them but be my own master. Your D seems to be the master of all yet provider of none. You go to special effort to do special things for her in what appears to be an attempt to get her to see how much she loves you. I can totally understand why you might do this, I too see myself as a bit of a bird of paradise... I rock up with a stick I think is really good to make a nest, wave it around and try and win approval from my W. I'm typically disappointed. You wave your stick at your daughter hoping she will treat you with an ounce of respect, and it doesn't work. She is stuck in this perpetual state of teenager where she resents you but can't leave you... yet she's an adult so she can leave you and she should leave you.

I know this is the last thing you might be considering at the moment, but when you arrive home from your trip, and I am sure it will be a success and your D will survive as long as you stay strong and don't pander to any of her pleas for help, you might suggest that SHE make a big push to find her own place.

I sense you are building this trip up to be a big desertion of her by organising special times just before you leave. I'm not saying it's wrong, but I sense that it feels a bit abnormal, not something other people would do. Maybe even making the low after you depart all the more deeper since you're finishing on a high. Disappointment is a negative emotion, like that post holiday blues you get when you come back from hols and have to go back to work.

Keep writing and keeping us up to date. Avoid JADE and let her blow herself out.

Enabler
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Manifest32f
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« Reply #21 on: March 13, 2019, 12:43:44 PM »

Hi Enabler:
Thanks for your prompt response and some great advice. I am sorry if I didn’t let you know that our plans are for us to visit here occasionally, for a period of time every year or so and not come back here permanently- this weather is cruel for our health and God willing, our visits and stay will go on only until we can travel. For this reason, we got ourselves a small place back home & my guess is, since my D understands/realizes that from now on going forward we will only be visiting her and other relatives for short periods and not live here. I understand her angst and trust she will work on her anxiety to bring it down once she gets a hold of things. Does it make sense?
Re our short holiday, I discussed with our T before planning anything & she agreed that it would be a good idea. The main issue with my uBPDd is she has serious trust issues especially with us due to family member’s comment about how she saw my D was never shown love from me and my H had no intention of marrying her off! Neither of us were around when the comments were made and we started seeing & saying things that didn’t make sense to us initially but later, my D clarified what she had learnt which shook us completely. We come from a culture where one cannot challenge the elder who started it and my H did not even believe it until last week when my D addressed what was said about him! We are very upset but my SIL is a drama queen and we don’t want to ask her anything about it for now. Her adult kids are very close to my D and she needs all that support being an only child. I think the change will hopefully help build back the trust and we can discuss with her more openly going forward. For now, I am taking one day at a time and hoping for the best! I plan on seeking guidance and feedback from you all since I don’t have anyone else to turn to. My family is straight shooters and will not hesitate one second to call my D & try to ‘talk sense’ into her & that’s the last thing we want done with our children! Sorry I am long winded. Please let me know what you think- I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks
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« Reply #22 on: March 14, 2019, 07:26:55 AM »

Sounds like you are acting from an informed place and not engaging you family sounds very sensible. I think some people (including myself once) think that someone can just snap out of it. Sadly I don't believe this is true, and more likely it just encourages the pwBPD to develop masks to hid the disorder in front of them.

So you are now starting your transition from being there for your D all the time to being there for her very little. I wasn't aware that this was a long term plan to move away, thank you for filling in the gaps.

Your daughter seems to have been provided with a reason for her sadness/anger by your SIL. I have found that friends of my W have done this as well... by validating the invalid. As unfortunate as this is, she's likely to find this a dead end or 'doesn't quite fit'... that said, I don't know you and I can't verify if you showed your D signs of affection when she was younger. This could be true and only you can make yourself accountable for this. You cannot do anything about the past, you can make yourself accountable for the things you did incorrectly, you can apologise and try and make good... but you can't rid her of any bitterness or resentment she might hold towards, that is for her to work on and no amount of making good is going to solve that for her.

Trust can be built again but it's likely to be built on you maintaining strong boundaries and consistently treating her fairly.

Keep up the good work

Enabler 
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Only Human
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« Reply #23 on: April 14, 2019, 04:44:45 PM »

Hi Manifest,

How are things going these days? Did you take your trip?

~ OH
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