My current pwPBD instigated a custody war with my ex.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone,

I'm on the BETTERING board for my current rs and having a difficult time.

With all the crap that has been happening, I went trough a terrible custody battle with a woman I met and had a child with after a short time in 2013.  I was set up for a marriage with a child I should not have had.  Anyway, she splits and runs to my family to say I tried to kill her and my 3mo old son, nobody believed her and my aunt tried to keep the peace while she stayed there almost 2 months not letting me see my son and not agreeing to any possible agreement eventually asking me if she could come back, I said "no", the threats were ongoing and she her plans to bait marriage me wasn't working.  It was bad, eventually she went to a friends place and would threaten me about my son, I would try to get her to agree to some visitation and live apart, no way so I initiated family court, soon after I landed in jail on several serious charges.

All in all, criminal court for 15 months and a 4 day trial, family court, 16 months and shared custody.

I met my current pwPBD towards the end of all of this and it was heaven to me, moved in from NY to NJ almost a year after meeting with planning, discussion about her son's feelings, everything was maturely done so I thought...

Anyway, my son would visit, my ex was so controlling and caused so much grief, she wasn't stopping and it wore down my current at times, never a threat to our rs.

At some point about a year ago, my current says it"s either your son or me, I didn't over react, I thought it was passing.  Slowly but shortly, she instigated a second custody battle by contacting my ex several times.

I'm separated from my current (her choice) for 3 months and just got served more custody papers, I can't go through this again...

My current says she doesn't care anymore...unreal, she loved my son and I loved her teenage son, sleepovers, feeding, playing with him.

I will end up losing my son because I loved a pwBPD.

What was my current gfwBPD wanting, just utter destruction that she has no accountability for?  She wanted to get rid of my son, have me choose her and get rid of me at the sam time?

It's impossible now, she started saying a few weeks ago I should never give him up and at the same time she wants to support me against my extremely difficult ex who has remarried and made sure her husband is given the respect of real daddy, I'm just the asshole who did everything bad to her (her story to my current---same nationality----so F**KED UP)

She is barely wanting to text back and she says she doesn't care, it's my problem and doesn't want the stress of it anymore.

[Sandb2015]

Hello everyone,

I'm on the BETTERING board for my current rs and having a difficult time.

With all the crap that has been happening, I went trough a terrible custody battle with a woman I met and had a child with after a short time in 2013.  I was set up for a marriage with a child I should not have had.  Anyway, she splits and runs to my family to say I tried to kill her and my 3mo old son, nobody believed her and my aunt tried to keep the peace while she stayed there almost 2 months not letting me see my son and not agreeing to any possible agreement eventually asking me if she could come back, I said "no", the threats were ongoing and she her plans to bait marriage me wasn't working.  It was bad, eventually she went to a friends place and would threaten me about my son, I would try to get her to agree to some visitation and live apart, no way so I initiated family court, soon after I landed in jail on several serious charges.

All in all, criminal court for 15 months and a 4 day trial, family court, 16 months and shared custody.

I met my current pwPBD towards the end of all of this and it was heaven to me, moved in from NY to NJ almost a year after meeting with planning, discussion about her son's feelings, everything was maturely done so I thought...

Anyway, my son would visit, my ex was so controlling and caused so much grief, she wasn't stopping and it wore down my current at times, never a threat to our rs.

At some point about a year ago, my current says it"s either your son or me, I didn't over react, I thought it was passing.  Slowly but shortly, she instigated a second custody battle by contacting my ex several times.

I'm separated from my current (her choice) for 3 months and just got served more custody papers, I can't go through this again...

My current says she doesn't care anymore...unreal, she loved my son and I loved her teenage son, sleepovers, feeding, playing with him.

I will end up losing my son because I loved a pwBPD.

What was my current gfwBPD wanting, just utter destruction that she has no accountability for?  She wanted to get rid of my son, have me choose her and get rid of me at the sam time?

It's impossible now, she started saying a few weeks ago I should never give him up and at the same time she wants to support me against my extremely difficult ex who has remarried and made sure her husband is given the respect of real daddy, I'm just the asshole who did everything bad to her (her story to my current---same nationality----so F**KED UP)

She is barely wanting to text back and she says she doesn't care, it's my problem and doesn't want the stress of it anymore.

[Sandb2015]

I can't go back to a custody battle, I don't have the money, I make a little above what is allowed to get a free attorney, my son's mother will not stop turning things against me.

I have not seen him since 6/17/18 because of my current rs and my ex.

I will give up.

[Sandb2015]

I will give up custody, his mother will never stop causing me some difficulty and she will definitely make sure my son suffers somehow.

I am doing this for him and me and feeling guilty about it.

One of the top family conflict Psychologists in the Tri-state area that was supervising my court ordered visits, twice a week, 45 mins, $250 a day for 3 months and my son's mother would purposely show up 30 mins late and yank out his pacifier right as she handed him to me so I had an uncontrollable baby on my hands...He said," S, this will never end for you", he said my case is in his top 10 worst in over 25 years...I had no idea.

This is the end...I will have to let him go and deal with it sometime later in life if he wants to reach out.

[40days_in_desert]

S,
That was difficult to read. I’ve gone through some difficult situations with my ex too and I have 5 kids with her. I understand. Not specifically because your ex and child are unique like mine but I understand the wondering “Am I in the twilight zone?; Does anybody else see what she’s doing?; Will I be able to pay rent next month?; Will there ever be an end?”

I don’t know if there’s any advice that I can offer. I didn’t see a question but I wanted to reach out because I saw the frustration.

[Sandb2015]

40days_in_desert,

The end has come by way of all my mistakes.  Not all of this is my fault, I'm taking responsibilty for my part, forgiving myself for it and know full well I will miss my son.

Giving him up is the only solution, I know his mother will make difficulties to varying degrees forever because destruction is free, causing it is free.

Even after all of her actions and words were taken into account in family court, she was still given the upper hand and she has welded that heavily, married and more "secure" now, that hand is bionic.

She will be a negative influence over my son's life if I have a strong part in his, she wants me gone and I won't do that to a little boy that I love, should not have had and may reach out to me in his teens.

There is no in between here with his mother and no court, no other influence will make a difference, just time, he'll be 5 in June...time.

I will dream great dreams of him until I see him again...

Tragic.

[Sandb2015]

That custody battle started in the end of 2014 when my son was 3 months old, I didn't hear his first words, see him start to walk, that was all taken from me.  I didn't get to see him freely until he was almost 2 years old.  He didn't speak any English as his mother will only speak her native tongue with him and even until I saw him last, 6/17/18.  She and her husband speak English and we would use body language to try and communicate.  He's an innocent in every way and knowing what I know now and what I didn't believe would be, I should have let him go when his mother wanted to go back to her country when he was 3 months and threatening to do so, I was naive and ignorant that a system would uncover and "fix" the situation.  I fought as a right, ego (you can't take what's mine) and as a fighter (finish what you started).

All for naught.

So many woman have been abused and finally a system was put in place for woman to get the help they really needed after so many years.  Unfortunately, there are many woman that SH*T all over every past abused woman by falsely claiming abuse for revenge or to have some upper hand in a custody battle. 

This was my case and as damaging as could be.


My father didn't have much to do with me and my sister when my parents separated, once or twice a month and not happy to see us, just guilt or something..

After he got married, he forgot us and started a family, his wife kinda made sure his kids ( he had 3) came first and we were like the neighbors kids when we did see them, once a month maybe.

I have been wrestling with this for a while and made peace with it a while ago, it came to haunt me a little now.

I would never choose to give up having my child in my life unless that child will be negativly effected by me being in his...his mother has demonstrated that to no end projecting some hatred towards me onto him.  Ultimately I need to put him first no mater how much it hurts.

I don't know what will become of my current rs/connection/love of my life, as she was a part of the problems, the problems would be there with or without her.  We would fight and tell me during "episodes", it me or your son, happened several times and later retracted with apology telling me it's so stressful for her and I understood---she had no idea how stressful the controlling was on me--lack of empathy.

I will live with the regret and guilt and sorrow as a causality, I would sacrifice myself for him, I won't sacrifice him for me and we can't have "normalcy" in co parenting, it's impossible.  She delegated the term father or daddy to her husband and not me, my current and my ex speak the same language and she was shocked to hear this and questioned my son many times innocently, I became the other guy, not father, not daddy.  My current would go after my ex for that specifically (in their native tongue) and because of BPD jealousy, suspicion and paranoia thinking we still had "love" between us even though she was married...that was a reoccurring problem I had no idea what to do at the time-------full on JADE.  She would have dreams about me sleeping with my ex or wanting to marry her and I would get kicked out because of it.  We would make love and after, my current said she imagined I was making love to my ex and that was more trouble.  I couldn't combat any of this, I could try now, any advice?

This is all just so tragic and sometimes I can't believe this is my life---I sometimes shiver when I "step away" as though it's not me and see someone else in this mess, I shiver at their situation until I realize it is me.

I was originally fighting for full custody, his mother was over the top and I was prepared to have him as full custodial parent, period because I saw this coming, I knew it was an all or nothing scenario and I thought if I didn't get it and it was joint custody, things would calm down, they never did.

In a few weeks, I am giving him up.

[Turkish]

Where will this leave you in your current relationship? It sounds like you are losing both. 

[Sandb2015]

Turkish,

It appears as though things aren't going anywhere with my current, i am giving up my son in a few weeks in court.

Yes, I could be losing both.

[Sandb2015]

I don't have hope with regards to seeing my son, being in his life in a healthy way without his mother being a catalyst for damage, I am doing this for him, I won't be selfish knowing the consequences.

I don't know about my current rs, I am still believing in the possibility...I am doing this for me and understanding the consequences.