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Author Topic: BPDd home for spring break. Need advice.  (Read 567 times)
smilepretty

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« on: March 19, 2019, 09:15:53 PM »

My BPD dd is coming home this weekend, accompanied by her boyfriend of 5 months. I asked her what she thought she might want to do, so we can make dinner reservations, etc.  Somehow its my fault her favorite restaurant is closed Sunday (as its always been but she INSISTS we've been there on Sundays).  We have one car, 3 drivers, I work part-time, my younger daughter often stays after school for extra study help and needs to be picked up at school so asked my dd what she thought she'd like to do with her bf and if they've made any plans. She told me "i better maker her the priority for once in my life" and that she'll be furious if I let my younger daughter have plans while she's home. And no, she isn't going to include my younger daughter or be nice to her, she just feels we should all be at her beck and call . How to I tell my younger daughter she has to be here and take whatever sh*T gets thrown at her when her sister comes home? I know its the right thing to do, but reality is that BPD dd doesn't really want to see her or spend time? .I'm torn, and once again, torn between my children.

How do I manage all of this?  I want to be excited to see her but I'm dreading managing her anxiety, which clearly is out of control with her thinking we are going to interrogate and investigate  her boyfriend.  We'd like to get to know him, which involves talking, asking questions, sometimes asking more questions.  She hasn't told us much about him.  I already know she's going to be pissed at everything I do.  I asked her what snacks she'd like to have in the house and even when I buy every exact thing on the list, she'll complain and not eat any of it.  If I bake something, it won't be what she wanted, even if I ask. I asked if she wants to have brunch sunday, nope thats too much  because we are having a family dinner tuesday night.  Is she going to hide him away like a gremlin while we are trying to go about our days? I hate feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. Yucky feeling in my tummy.

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Copycat2018
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« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2019, 09:36:10 PM »

Hello,
I think you need to consider making a change. At first i would examine the belief that is behind your plan to do as you describe in your post to please your visiting daughter.

For an outsider it seems that you are trying very very very hard to please her in every way. At least that is what you are stating. And that she rejects your every try.
So why would you continue?
It does not seem to work.( i mean you are not happy and she is not happy)

Perhaps Your motherly love can be expressed differently, not just the way you describe.

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Lollypop
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2019, 04:17:08 AM »

Hi smilepretty

I was just about to log off and saw your post and couldn’t leave without responding.

Excerpt
We’d like to get to know him, which involves talking, asking questions, sometimes asking more questions.  She hasn't told us much about him.]

Getting to know somebody doesn’t necessarily mean asking questions. You’ll get to know him far better by listening , watching and waiting for him to open when he’s feeling relaxed.

I’ve got a friend who has 3 adult daughters, two of which are twins. Twin 1 has two small children and was in a no contact situation for two very long and traumatic years. Twin 2 got married and Twin 1 said she would stop by her family home for a short visit so my friend and her husband could see the children’s.  My friend was soo nervous.  How should she act? She she talk about the “fall out”? What should she say? 

I told her these words. Have no expectations. Be light as a fairy, no questions or talk about problems. Be relaxed then everybody else will be. When they leave say “thanks so very much for coming it’s really been lovely seeing you again”.  Twin 1’s mouth dropped open as she couldn’t believe her Mum didn’t make any demands of them.

Your daughter has told you what she wants “make me feel special”.  That doesn’t mean pandering to her ever whim. It means being genuinely open hearted, open minded and loving. This is what will make the visit better. It’s a shame it wasn’t just for the day as it’ll be a challenge to keep your cool if she behaves badly, or is too demanding. I’d get a stock  phrase at the ready to help yourself.

Sorry I’ve got to fly, good luck! Let us know how you get on,

LP
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smilepretty

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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2019, 07:15:26 AM »

Thanks for the words of encouragement.  Copycat, you are correct, that is part of the reason I think I was beating myself up over this. I don't want to bend over backwards to please her, but there is a part of me that still enjoys fawning over my kids and spoiling them from time to time, but you're right, if I'm not getting joy from doing it, I shouldn't. 

And Lollypop, I'm working on a catchphrase, something like "whatever you would like to do" . No pandering, plan on listening and observing.I was more pointing out that any questions we ask will come across as interrogation.  Even as benign as "How was your flight? " Definitely not going to talk about anything heavy or important while he's here.  Light and breezy, happy to have him, excited to see her.  That's my mantra. 
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Huat
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« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2019, 11:18:32 AM »

Hello Smilepretty

You wrote..."She told me "I better make her the priority for once in my life" and that she'll be furious if I let my younger daughter have plans while she's home...etc..."   BPD or no BPD...totally unacceptable!  For sure those are words of entitlement.  If anyone is to be entitled it is you, her Mom, entitled to be respected and no sign of such in words like that.

In a previous post you also wrote..."She's ungrateful because she can't see anything clearly."  As long as you allow that as an excuse, nothing will change.

I speak from much experience.  I let my daughter get away with so much because I was afraid to make any changes...fearful that things would get worse.  Worse?   So, I continued being her doormat, kept trying to please her...until I stopped.

There is something to be said about getting angry...and that is what finally happened with me.  I am talking about "controlled anger"...the anger that says..."just a minute here!"...the anger that straightens one's spine.

There is no doubt in my mind that your daughter, like mine, needs help and a lot of that help has to come from us, their parents.   When they were young, one of our most important jobs was to role-model and that job should never end.  Be aware that your younger child is watching and assessing what is happening and how you are handling it.

I consider myself so lucky that I stumbled across this forum a few short years ago.   I so needed change to happen but I didn't know how to start to bring that about.   Here I found the tools and support and then came the baby-steps.

Hope your daughter has found a nice, young man...maybe her "forever man"...maybe not.  Whatever!  Excellent idea your "not going to talk about anything heavy or important while he's here...light and breezy..."     Hope this turns out to be a lovely visit.

Keep us posted.

Huat
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livednlearned
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« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2019, 03:13:47 PM »

Lollypop's light as a fairy has been really helpful for me with SD21's home-from-college visits. I don't tie myself in a pretzel trying to walk on eggshells anymore and that has helped keep things from going too far off the rails.

Old habits die hard even when you're 100 percent committed to new behaviors. What is one thing you feel is achievable? Maybe give yourself an assignment and keep it easy for yourself.

With SD21 I work on one thing at a time when she's here. I also try to focus on stuff when my cup is full and do whatever I can to keep that cup full while she's here. Everything flows from that full cup 
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smilepretty

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« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2019, 07:19:30 PM »

Huat-what kinds of steps did you take to change things? I'm trying so hard with my daughter, and everything I say or do is wrong.  With her coming home for a week, I'm anticipating all of her anxiety directed at me. You made so many important and encouraging points, it sounds like you area working really hard on your relationship with your daughter.  My BPD dd already "instructed" me to talk to her sister about the way she speaks to her, esp since it'll be the first time she's home in 3 months.  I didn't call her out and say thats an unreasonable demand, I just ignored it. I can't be on the defensive all the time, its better to not engage sometimes.  No, I'm not going to warn my other daughter to be nice to her sister.  I'm going to encourage her to be light and breezy too and try to not let her sisters stuff get to her too much. 

Livednlearned, what do you mean by "Old habits die hard even when you're 100 percent committed to new behaviors?"  I'm looking for some new behaviors I can try when she's around trying to dominate and manipulate.  Any suggestions of things that have worked for you?
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livednlearned
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« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2019, 09:36:30 AM »

Livednlearned, what do you mean by "Old habits die hard even when you're 100 percent committed to new behaviors?"  I'm looking for some new behaviors I can try when she's around trying to dominate and manipulate.  Any suggestions of things that have worked for you?

I put my needs first. That's hard for me as both a mom and someone recovering from codependent behaviors. If it doesn't work for me, I say no. If I feel bullied or manipulated or targeted, that's a sign the discussion is over and it's time for setting limits.

It's getting easier with practice and finding useful phrases that work for me. I wish it didn't take up so much time in my head practicing how I'm going to handle things with SD21 but it is what it is.

I was a people pleaser and rescuer/fixer/saver doormat at my expense and I paid for it dearly and grew a backbone. Even with my conviction to take care of my own needs I struggle daily to be assertive, especially with loved ones, and kids in particular, whether late teens or young adults at this point (we have four total: S17, SS19, SD21, SD25).

With SD21, she senses when something is important to someone and then wedges between you and what you want. If you pick her over something or someone you want, then for a fleeting moment she feels that she has worth. Then it must be done all over again with something else, so her efforts and my navigation of her illness feels chronic and unrelenting.

It's a work in progress and most of them time I aim for an A+ and end up somewhere with a C minus. Every now and then I do better. Overall tho, things are moving incrementally to a place where the neediness feels different. I learned to create a validating environment and put myself at the top of the list and that means moving the relationship a bit more toward acceptance and change.

I changed our relationship by focusing on changing how I am, and even though she resists and tests and pushes and clings, the overall trajectory is toward what works best for me and the rest of the family than for her. And quite honestly, what she wants and works so hard to create is not healthy for her and not sustainable for any relationship. It's why she has almost no friendships that last longer than six months and she is constantly mad at her BF.
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Mirsa
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« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2019, 10:09:17 PM »

Hi Smilepretty,

Really amazingly great responses you've gotten from others.  I can't believe when I read some posts how wise people are and how quickly they can see through to things like, 'entitlement.'  It still takes me a while to call that BS out for what it is.

I thought I'd just add a note about the sibling.  When my BPD DD17 moved out six months ago, I knew that my younger daughter was watching how I let her treat me.  I was clearly modeling this for her.  DD15 had a friend at school that was very similar to BPD DD17 and emotionally abusive of her as well.  So, I set limits with BPD DD17 and insisted on being treated with love and kindness and didn't bow to her demands.   When DD15 asked, I said that we all deserve to be treated with love and kindness and I was going to insist upon it.  My actions had to back this up, and I took some space from the demands of DD17. 

Interestingly, about a month later DD15 ended her friendship with the emotionally abusive friend.  She said, "I deserve to be treated better."  She was finally able to see that this person's behavior and words did not match.  Friend would say, "i care about you" and then be absolutely cruel to her.  She finally had enough and was ready to make a stand.  That friendship is now over.   A month after that, DD17 was really mean to her younger sister (yet again) and DD15 finally had enough.  She is taking space from her older sister, and again says, "I deserve better."  Her self-esteem is growing every day and she is happier than she has been in a few years, as am I.

I'm so proud of her!  And I'm very glad I decided to consciously model how she deserves to be treated.  If I allow someone to walk all over me (like the BPD DD wants to), then DD15 will learn that it's acceptable to allow someone (like a future boyfriend...) to treat her poorly.  That is a belief I would never want to encourage. 

My perspective is that you will probably have to take a stand with BPD DD at some point in time.  Might as well be during a spring break, and then she can go back to college and think about it for a couple of months.  Maybe she will be a little more pleasant when she returns home for the summer. 

Hope my story of intentional modeling helps.  YOU deserve to be treated with love and kindness, even from your own children.

p.s.--wine helps too   
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Lollypop
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« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2019, 02:51:23 AM »

Hi smilepretty

Excerpt
.I was more pointing out that any questions we ask will come across as interrogation.  

Ah, sorry. I get that. Yes, asking any question can be criticised. I hope you didn’t take my comment as a criticism. My son is a quiet BPD, hIs demands of me were silent ones that I didn’t hear before I knew better.  

I’m trying to think back about my time as a light fairy. I’m more of a round butter ball these days!  

I think the point is I didn’t ask any questions. This may seem impossible but you can certainly reduce the number of questions. I know we use questions a lot in the way “normal” (I don’t believe in that term, there is no normal but right now I can’t think of another way to say it) people talk to one another.

I didn’t ask how he was, or how he slept, or his plans for the day. Asking questions forced him to think and required an answer from him. Often, when he answered it was negatively,  I did most of the talking. The weather. Something funny on tv. I’ll make you a drink and a sandwich. My car. Anything and everything. I found he relaxed because he knew I was expecting nothing from him.

It sounds like you can predict the issues or complaints. Perhaps a plan for 2-3 of them may be a way forwards for you? It might alleviate your own anxiety.

You’ve mentioned criticism of:
your other daughter
You
How you interact with new boyfriend

With a few light short statements given in a loving way (warmly smiling) you can cover the first two. If she bites be kind - she’s anxious. If her comment is out of order, set it straight in a confident but loving way. The truth can be ““it’s wonderful that we’re here all together”

I’m glad you’re here posting, I hope it’s helpful. I really do wish you the best of luck. Smile at your fairy shoes and it’ll help set yourself up. It’s a game really - not one that can be lived permanently but definitely one that works for short periods.

LP

Ps.
Mirsa makes such an excellent point!  Instead of focussing on my son28 as much, I got my son18 skilled up. He needs to be resilient and not taken advantage of. It’s up to you to decide if this is one week you want to get through by being accommodating OR you want to use this week to assert yourself with limits using your better interaction skills.


« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 03:00:00 AM by Lollypop » Logged

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Huat
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« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2019, 12:14:31 PM »

Hello Smilepretty

It is a stretch for me to add much more to what has been written to you in the posts above.  Sometimes as I grasp for words, up pops those of others...so well put together...messages loud and clear.

You ask what steps I took to make changes.  Well, believe me when I say, nothing happened over-night.  I am, and always be, work-in-progress.  I can talk-the-talk but not always can I walk-the-walk.   

Setting boundaries was a biggie for me.  Some were negotiable, others weren't.  The other skill I am working on whenever in communication with my daughter is not to JADE...not to justify, argue, deny, explain.  I'm lovin' the results with that one!  She wants fuel for her fire...and I won't give it to her.

So, Smilepretty, you are the only one who can say what is acceptable in regards to your daughter and her behaviours.  If you are willing to turn a blind eye and get on with life, so be it.  If something is bothering you, then something needs changing and it is only you who can move towards the change.

Above all, remember your dignity.  Your daughter is no longer in her terrible-two's.    She knows right from wrong...and if for some reason (?) she doesn't...it has to be pointed out.

Keep strong, Smilepretty.  Keep sharing.  We really do learn from each other here.

Huat
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Only Human
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Love is still the answer


« Reply #11 on: March 28, 2019, 10:43:43 AM »

Hi smilepretty,

How's it going with your BPDd home for spring break?

~ OH
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smilepretty

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« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2019, 06:47:53 AM »

Well, we survived spring break.  A few updates: the boyfriend was lovely.  We didn't have any major family blow ups so that is good.  My younger DD didn't end up in tears so that is good.  I felt very taken advantage of, but re-read all of your amazing posts and by the end of the week, made a shift.  I am her mother and everything I do for her from now on is because it is something I want to do and it makes me feel good, NOT because I am being made to feel guilty or being manipulated. I love her, I want her to be happy, but I'm not going to be a doormat for her behavior. 
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2019, 07:43:05 AM »

I am her mother and everything I do for her from now on is because it is something I want to do and it makes me feel good, NOT because I am being made to feel guilty or being manipulated. I love her, I want her to be happy, but I'm not going to be a doormat for her behavior. 


That is a completely brilliant turn around, Smile Pretty. How does this new perspective make you feel?
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Lollypop
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« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2019, 08:44:38 AM »

Wow smilepretty

Just WOW!

Amazing stuff.

LP
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« Reply #15 on: April 04, 2019, 08:48:27 AM »

Way to go! Best to you!
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Huat
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« Reply #16 on: April 04, 2019, 10:55:31 AM »

Hello again SmilePretty.

Nice to read the visit went so well...a pleasant surprise...but I am sure a lot had to do with how you navigated your way through it.

The saying goes..."it takes 2 to tango"...it also takes 2 to escalate a situation.  If you don't add fuel to the fire, it sputters out.  By the end of the week seems you were feeling more comfortable in your role as  Mom...more in control of you.

I liked Lollypop's suggestion about keeping the conversations light...reflective listening rather than questioning can be validating for the other person, helping to make them comfortable in sharing more of themselves.

This is a journey, SmilePretty.   We can't ever expect anyone else to change...but we know it is in our power to change ourselves...bit-by-bit-by-bit.  No matter how small a positive change that happens, give yourself a pat on the back. 

Onward and upward to even better tomorrows.

Huat
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« Reply #17 on: April 04, 2019, 02:41:06 PM »

  yay, go you SP  

As Blaise Aguirre says, change one thing you do everyday   He makes me smile, my DD too  

VIDEO | BPD from Adolescence to Adulthood ~ Blaise Aguirre, MD

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
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