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Author Topic: Tell uBPD son about diagnosis?  (Read 436 times)
Lee12

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« on: March 21, 2019, 01:16:03 PM »

Our son, 18, has undiagnosed BPD.  He is higher-functioning as described by Kreger in “Stop Walking on Eggshells”:  Does fine in school and makes a good first impression, but he rages, blames, and is hyper-sensitive to criticism and frustration. As a result, all of his friendships have gone sour.  Early on in high school, he moved on to new peer groups every few months, but by his junior year in high school, there was really no one left.  For the last year, he has been completely alone. He truly believes that the problem is everyone else. When we confront him with his behavior, he rages and rattles off a long list of counter-arguments and criticisms. 

Here is the question:  Do we tell him he has BPD?  He would almost certainly reject the diagnosis in what would be the blow-up of all blow-ups (he has point-blank said to never again try to tell him that he has some kind of “problem”). Afterword, he wouldn’t speak to us for months. However, he needs to at least know there is such thing as BPD, so if he ever starts thinking about making a change, he has somewhere to start. Awareness must be the first step, right?  If you have any thoughts on this, please let us know.  Thank you!
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« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2019, 01:59:46 PM »

It doesn't sound like he will receive the information, at least from family members, at least not yet. The good news is that families who learn specific relationship and communication skills can make a difference, whether he is diagnosed or not.

This article might be helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

From the article:

Excerpt
If we want to help a loved one to get into therapy and, more importantly, to embrace the therapy, we need to "plug in" and understand both the perceptual filters that our loved one has, and their motivations.  This generally requires a great deal of listening.

It's tough. The building trust part is really critical, and takes time. In my (blended) family, everyone accepts SD21's bipolar dx, and they all think something else is going on, that the dx isn't quite right. They are aware she is chronically suicidal, has a fear of abandonment, suffers from cognitive distortions, and has trouble with perspective-taking. They all agree she has an unstable sense of self (she has identified as trans-male, bisexual, gay, and non-binary) and can't maintain relationships. But to suggest that it's BPD, even with everyone agreeing that mother is BPD, is too painful, too much.

So I learn everything I can about the skills and create a validating environment with strong boundaries. And wait. 


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Breathe.
stampingt1
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« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2019, 01:43:54 AM »

Welcome Lee12,

Our 18 yr old son was recently diagnosed w/ BPD. He took it pretty good, because we have been searching for answers for almost 2 yrs. He will be seeing a counselor weekly, is on meds & might be starting group therapy.

You could try leaving info out about BPD. Maybe he will read it & think "Hey that sounds like me" or might "blow up" like you expected. It's so hard to know what their response to anything will be. The BPD life is definitely quite the rollercoaster.

Good luck!
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Lollypop
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« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2019, 03:22:14 AM »

Hi Lee12

Welcome.

I’m sharing my thoughts. Of course, you can take them or leave them.

My son28 didn’t start to progress until he was 24. He hit rock bottom and was dx while he was travelling. Diagnosis was enlightening for him at first but quickly it affected him. His life was in a complete mess. Diagnosis on top just made him reel. He felt he was doomed forever.

Despite this, my Son refused treatment.

We’ve had to find a way to improve our relationship so he trusts us. Now we have that trust, he’s more open to hear a suggestion but to be perfectly honest, I rarely make suggestions. I wait for him to come to us. He’s a quiet BPD.

I would seriously reflect on why you want to tell your son of the dx. Then understand that this disclosure has to be done at the right time and in the right circumstances. There will be consequences because there always are.

You may decide to leave it awhile. This gives you time to upskill and learn a better way to interact with your son. Your relationship will improve so you have a better footing.

We are all different. We don’t talk of BPD any more. I personally don’t like the label. I see my son as having some limitations that he has to learn how to work around himself. I saw my job to get him to be able to function, live independently and make his own decisions. He has to stand on his own two feet - happy or not, lonely or not.

In truth, I’d be asking myself “what would a wise person do?”  A wise person would pause, not react and really think things through first.

Do you want your son to start treatment? Is that your intention?
For treatment to be beneficial, then they have to be fully committed.

Parenting a BPD requires us to get clever and strategic.

I hope that helps.

LP







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« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2019, 07:48:53 PM »

Hi Lee12,

Welcome!  My BPD DD18 is also high-functioning, sounds a lot like your son, and has been in therapy for a few years, and has even accepted and embraced the diagnosis of BPD...for a while.   So, now she is back into...it's not-my-problem-let's-blame-everyone-else-for-my-complete-lack-of-friends-poor me-I'm-a-victim mode.  So, in my experience, even if she embraces the diagnosis, it doesn't really change the behaviors.  In fact, as soon as she can find someone to blame for any/all of her problems, she will. 

I fantasize that some day she will miraculously understand that she is mentally ill, feel remorse, accept responsibility for her crappy behavior, and begin to change. 

However, I've recently come to understand that this is what a normal (as in not mentally ill without a personality disorder), person would do.  This is sadly NOT what someone with a personality disorder typically does.  Which is exactly what makes it so frustrating and exhausting!  She will do anything and everything to deny her role in her own problems.  It's like she just murdered someone, is covered in blood, and I caught her holding the knife, and she'll say..."what's your problem, how could you do this?  You murderer!"   (maybe that's not a good example...but after living with high drama for so many years, I guess I'm prone to hyperbole...sorry!)

Anyway, I've found that when I am having those times that I want to push that diagnosis into the front of her viewing lens, it's generally bc I'm frustrated with her and hoping that she will change.  I've recently come to accept that she will not change.  In her mind, it will always be someone else's fault, and as a high-functioning BPD, she comes across as engaging and charismatic at first blush, so she can easily make new friends.   But, she's never had any friends for longer than six months...and trust me, it's NEVER her fault that her friendships fail. 

In your post, you said that "awareness must be the first step, right?"  Others may disagree, but in my experience, the answer is no.   That YOU are aware is a great first step in taking care of YOU.  If you are very, very lucky, maybe he will go to therapy, build a trusting relationship with a therapist, who can help him start to look at HIS role in his relationships and the possibility of BPD...and maybe, just maybe, he will slowly change...a little.  I hate to be discouraging, but this personality disorder is for life, and incurable (I say this mostly as a reminder to myself...because thinking that SHE will change is so very, very tempting). 

My goal, and what I see others in this forum really primarily working on, is twofold:  help BPD develop ability to be stable enough to move out of our homes, and just as importantly, learn to accept what is going on and take care of ourselves in the meantime.

Hugs to you,
Mirsa
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« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2019, 03:00:23 AM »

Lollypop,

I really love the below quote from you: 

Excerpt
I see my son as having some limitations that he has to learn how to work around himself. I saw my job to get him to be able to function, live independently and make his own decisions. He has to stand on his own two feet - happy or not, lonely or not.

Thanks,
ST1
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« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2019, 01:45:27 AM »

Lee12,

I started reading "stop walking on eggshells". This book suggests that a therapist be the one to tell your son about his BPD instead of you.

Good Luck!
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2019, 02:25:52 AM »

Hello Lee12
I am glad to meet you but sorry for the circumstances. I am a little confused. You said your son is undiagnosed but wonder if you should tell him he has BPD. Has he been diagnosed by a professional ? If not I agree with other members posting here that maybe you hold off for now and take some time to learn some skills first. There are effective ways to communicate with a loved one who has or seems to have BPD but none are intuitive. It is definitely a learning curve, one I am still on. What do you think? Does holding off on confronting him with a diagnosis feel right to you? I hope you keep posting
 This is a great group.
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Lee12

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« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2019, 11:24:05 PM »

Hi everyone,
Thank you so much for sharing.  It’s great (and also sad) to hear from people who are having similar struggles.  I am so impressed with how much effort people are willing to put into helping out total strangers.   

To answer the question of why we want to tell him now:  Since he will be going to college in a few months, we kind of feel like it’s “now or never”.  College is a second chance to make new friends, it and would be so helpful for him to get off to a good start with a little more awareness. The goal would be to get him into treatment, probably DBT, so as he made new friends in college, he would have more tools to be able to maintain his friendships. I was curious to see what your responses would be because I suspected this was pretty much a fantasy, and after reading your responses, I think I have to admit that it’s a bad idea to drop this bomb. Like it or not, I think he will be in for a rough college experience.

To answer the question of whether he’s been diagnosed by a professional:  The answer is no.  Problems started to develop early in his teen years, and we gradually began to accept that it was much bigger than typical teen problems (anxiety, etc.). We took him to a psychologist and later a psychiatrist. After a few sessions, he outright refused to continue going -- another reminder that it is probably fantasy to convince him to seek help. Anyway, a majority of professionals won’t diagnose BPD in the early teen years, so no official diagnosis. We have read a lot about BPD though, and had that “aha” moment that so many others here have had where the stories and descriptions are accurate reflections of what we experience every day. Suddenly everything clicks into place and we realize there is a name for this: BPD. I’m glad you asked the question (FaithHopeLove), because we’re certainly not professionals, and agree that it’s really not our place to diagnose a mental illness.

As you’ve all suggested, I think for now we’ll focus on improving the relationship, creating a validating environment, and see if he eventually starts to build some awareness on his own.  If the door cracks open, we’ll suggest therapy, but not jam it down his throat.

Mirsa and Stampingt1 – It sounds like your BPD children have been officially diagnosed.  Do you mind sharing how that came about?  Did you gently push them into therapy or did they suggest it on their own?

Lollypop – It sounds like the diagnosis has possibly made the situation worse.  Do you sometimes wish your son was never diagnosed? 

Thank you again for all of your responses and best of luck to you with your own struggles.
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« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2019, 01:31:07 AM »

It sounds like you are on the right track Lee. My DS24 was diagnosed when he was hospitalized after cutting himself and punching his hand through a glass door. Sadly we have found that sometimes things get worse before they get better and, like they say in 12 step we must have the serenity to accept what we cannot change. One thing that really helped me come to terms with the reality of my son's life not being at all what I would wish for him is the idea of Radical Acceptance. Maybe it can help you too. Let me see if I can find and post a link. Here it is https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0
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« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2019, 02:11:33 AM »

Hi Lee12,

Our BPD son 18 has been having medical issues for almost 2 yrs. Has been diagnosed w/ complicated migraines, anxiety, IBS w/ contripation, & now BPD. He has been seen at 3 different hospitals in 2 states. It felt like his psych doctor wouldn't look past his migraines, because it was a speciality of her's.

He spent 3 weeks in the outpatient Mayo PRC (Pain Clinic) last summer. That's how he got a therapist. Now the local psych dr feels like a different psych dr in a different city would be better to treat his new dx of BPD. We are also checking into the DBT program in that same city. It's 22 weeks long. Meets for 2 hrs a week. However total drive time is 4 hrs a trip. BPD son is desperately trying to finish senior yr of high school & graduate w/ classmates. Not sure that's going to happen. He hasn't attending a full week a classes, since before Christmas break. The online classes that his school offers only make him more agitated. This week he changed over all his classes to the alternative high school. The stress was getting too much, since he was missing so much school due to 1 condition or the other.

Before his BPD dx, hubby would take him to ER when he would have an episode (rage, not feeling connected to things, etc). Basically they would say "Are you a danger to yourself or others?" Since the answer was no, he would come back home & still feel terrible (unless they gave him a shot, then he would go to bed & pick back up where he left off the next day.) Since the dx, we now know what the problem is. However, we have trouble figuring out when he is having a complicated migraine (no pain) & a BPD attack. This morning he had a migraine. Then got to feeling better, so went to school around lunch time. He came home early from school because he was so hot that he sweat through his clothes & was starting to have an episode. Had to cancel today's therapist appointment because he was only wearing a towel. He was trying to work on a wall mural. Think that stressed him out too much. Hubby is calling the psych dr tomorrow to see if we need to try something different than Abifiy. So far tried low dose, then higher dose & back down to lower dosage. 

Unfortunately, the BPD roller coaster that is our life just continues on...I know it could be so much worse, but I just want things like they are supposed to be. (Son enjoying his Senior year & graduating w/ classmates)
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« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2019, 11:56:41 AM »

Hi lee

Excerpt
Do  you sometimes wish your son was never diagnosed?

No.  It brought me here and this forum has saved my family.  I’m not lying. Our lives have transformed.

I’ve no doubt whatsoever that my son would not be functioning and succeeding in living albeit in a half way situation. Diagnosis was part of the motivation for me to change. In a sideways move to make my own life better because our relationship was broken down. Simply, I wanted him in my life.

He lives at the end of our street in a garage of a liberal neighbour who needs the money. The close distance brings him home for a visit if he’s sick, needing a meal or anxious (and this is nearly always related to two things: cashflow or relationships). He’ll be moving on this year as the house he lives in has sold. He is growing. I have to be patient!

I think you’ve made a wise decision Lee. My son has tried many new starts such as uni and college courses. He found it challenging. Sometimes he’d bail out of a decision at the very last minute.

I advise you to get yourself prepared emotionally for your way ahead including better interaction skills. There’s techniques to be learnt here that are invaluable. I got back to basics when interacting with my son.

Has your son initiated going to college?

LP
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« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2019, 08:50:09 AM »

Hi there,

My DD was 'conditionally' diagnosed after three in-patient placements within a year.  She is stable now, and not using drugs or alcohol, which is a big plus.  I've come to understand that she will probably be a high-functioning BPD, lucky for her I think, but maybe unlucky for all the people she impacts over the next decade. 

The diagnosis was conditional/tentative because as you say, they don't want to formally diagnose a personality disorder before age 18.  But it fit the best and her therapists would agree when we talked about it, that is BPD was a good fit diagnosis for her.  When she was in greater crisis, she herself would read up on it and she even joined BPD groups (Instagram accounts with posts I think, written by those with BPD for those with BPD).  She expressed a lot via poetry as well.  Now that she is living with her father (last six months) and ditched her long-time therapist, I'm not sure where she is with her own thinking about BPD.  Her new therapist doesn't return my calls, not that I've tried super-hard.  She is turning 18 in three weeks, and I feel that I've done my part to help her, it's up to her now.  If she needs me and my support, she knows where to find me.  (she is currently no-contact with me after 'splitting' on me a few months ago...and I'm really enjoying the break tbh!).   

As one therapist told me, until she is ready to change, she simply won't.  It has to be on her time frame, not mine.  So, all I can do in the meantime is detach with love and let her proceed along her own journey.  Two years ago, I couldn't have done this, so I'm super grateful she is older now and legally an adult.

Take care,
Mirsa
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Lee12

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« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2019, 09:47:37 PM »

Hi everyone,
Thank you again for sharing your stories and pearls of wisdom. Our story is similar, with the exception that we seem to stop just short of anything that would require hospitalization. In a way this is good because it could mean our son’s symptoms are less severe. In a way it is bad, though, because nothing forces a discussion about the issue -- when he destroys something during raging, it’s an “accident”; when he dumps another friend, it’s their fault, and on and on, with complete denial that there is a need for a change.

FaithLoveHope - I love the idea of radical acceptance. We're reading more about DBT and Marsha Linehan, and it’s now becoming obvious that non-BPDs can benefit from the same therapy as BPDs. Really, we can all benefit from these DBT skills such as improving emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and mindfulness. Very powerful stuff. Maybe our son will eventually work on these skills regardless of any particular diagnosis. It’s a lot smaller of a step to work on improving how you handle your emotions versus seeking treatment for a “personality disorder”.  I guess we’ll see.

Stay strong everyone, and many many thanks for your thoughtful responses. Very happy to have found this forum.
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« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2019, 03:08:37 AM »

[quote author=Lee12 link=topic=335079.msg13045445#msg13045445 date=15541732

FaithLoveHope - I love the idea of radical acceptance. We're reading more about DBT and Marsha Linehan, and it’s now becoming obvious that non-BPDs can benefit from the same therapy as BPDs. Really, we can all benefit from these DBT skills such as improving emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and mindfulness. Very powerful stuff. Maybe our son will eventually work on these skills regardless of any particular diagnosis. It’s a lot smaller of a step to work on improving how you handle your emotions versus seeking treatment for a “personality disorder”. 

[/quote]

I have also found it to be true that we all can benefit by learning DBT skills. We can also set a good example of what it looks loke to be healthy. I am glad you are here.
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