Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 02:25:40 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Expert insight for adult children
101
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
How to spot a liar
Pamela Meyer
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: My head hurts  (Read 450 times)
kiwigal
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 149


« on: March 21, 2019, 05:15:36 PM »

I married my hubby 15 years ago and have spent the past 15 years trying to make sense of patterns of behaviour with my mother in law, that make my head hurt. Recently I picked up "stop walking on eggshells" and concluded that my MIL has BPD and although she is better than what she was, its still so difficult.
Ive been trying to get her to talk with me for months - she has every excuse under the sun as to why she won't.

I hear lots of people complain about their in laws, but I often feel like others have no idea what its like to deal with a BPD in-law. How convoluted it can be - and how your very existence in the family, seems purely to uphold the unspoken rules!

But what Im here for right now, is I need some help!  Paragraph header  (click to insert in post) Recently my parents in law invited us to their Ruby wedding anniversary,... well actually, what they said is that they wanted to do it in 3 weeks time, and asked, would we come?. They also reiterated that mum wouldn't be talking to me, but Dad would now be taking over.
My husband replied and said he was sorry to hear how tired she was, that was sad she wouldn't talk, and he'd be looking out for my needs with the family and could we please have the invitation details to work out things our end...
they then emailed my husband to say they had postponed the whole event and said it was sad we weren't coming and that she is on the brink of an emotional breakdown and her health is in grave danger. Who knows what they've told the wider family but you can guarantee its isolating.

I guess I feel like Im moving into self doubt about being unreasonable. I would have absolutely gone and just been content to hold my own and have my husband stick by my side... but it feels like Im being made the scapegoat - again.
Im also feeling tired myself as my own mum is quite sick, along with my brother.. but Ive long since learned that I wont get empathy from my in laws, ever and my reserves feel low for dealing with this on an ongoing basis

I don't know what to do? Can someone else help me see with clarity... where to from here? Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)

Logged
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2019, 05:46:16 PM »

Hi and welcome!  I am so sorry you have to deal with this but glad you have found a name for the disorder and found us here where we understand.

I am a bit confused about what is going on.  It sounds to me like your husband said he will stand by you but that you will attend and somehow they took that to mean that you will not be going?  Is that correct?

I am not sure how you can correct that other than to say something like "well, let us know what the new date is so we can make arrangements to be there" and then leave it to them.

What are the other behaviors you struggle with with your in-laws?  Knowing more details, not just what they do but how you respond will help us guide you better.

I hope to hear more from you soon.

The thing is, if they want to tell tales to other people and those people want to believe the tales, there is not much you can do about it.  In fact, trying to correct impressions and miscommunications in cases like these often lead to you looking like the people with the problem.

Excerpt
I guess I feel like Im moving into self doubt about being unreasonable. I would have absolutely gone and just been content to hold my own and have my husband stick by my side... but it feels like Im being made the scapegoat - again.
What are you doubting about yourself?  Do not let a disordered person and her disordered way of looking at things and reacting to them define you or what you say and do.  Even your FIL, if he is going along with her.  They are a dysfunctional unit.

Excerpt
Im also feeling tired myself as my own mum is quite sick, along with my brother.. but Ive long since learned that I wont get empathy from my in laws, ever and my reserves feel low for dealing with this on an ongoing basis
I am sorry to hear your mom and brother are sick.  Dealing with the sort of conflict like you get from your in-laws can be quite draining. 
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
kiwigal
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 149


« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2019, 06:12:46 PM »

Your response made me cry! Its so validating.. just hearing you say that they are a dysfunctional unit- Id never seen it that way and it felt like someone had poured oxygen into my lungs.

Thank you for asking for clarity regarding the anniversary.
You got it pretty much right. They basically want us to commit to the event and make arrangements after committing, but don't want to talk with me, either, to negotiate. Its pretty impossible for me to commit to anything without upfront arrangements; we have 5 kids for starters!

I like your suggestion; put it back to them.

Ugh, my in laws.. your seeing them as a dysfunctional unit was bang on. They've had years of conflict with the other siblings, (my hubby has 2 sisters), but the family are overall really avoidant. My hubby is the youngest, and Im the only daughter in law. They also believe husbands are the head of the home.. so they don't communicate with me directly, but go via my hubby. Despite this patriarchal belief system, the family are very matriarchal and the woman are strong. My SIL exhibits some coping behaviour that is a bit BPD, she aligns to my MIL to placate. She is also very jealous of me, and theres been an imbalance of power for quite some time, with lots of conflict and her being hot and cold. So Im trying to address the relationship breakdown that's gone on there too. Theres a lot of dysfunction but as Christians, conflict is seen to be ungodly and so it all gets swept under a rug.. with ongoing vibes and moods.

Your comment to not move into the disordered thinking was so helpful. Gosh its hard for me not to do that! Holding clarity can be so challenging sometimes.

We penned this response that we haven't sent yet; We would send it from hubby as they don't hear my voice. Can I get your input?

Dear Dad and Mum

Family is a very important value to us.
We hear you are really tired and broken and are sorry to hear how hard it's been.

Honouring your Ruby Wedding Anniversary is really important to us.
When you are ready, please send the invitation details through, then we make the necessary arrangements to be there.
What that looks like, will be up to us.

Love, us.
Logged
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2019, 06:31:03 PM »

   I am glad my words helped.  It is so hard not to get caught up in the dysfunction but it can be done while still holding on to your values and spiritual beliefs.  Your values and beliefs are personal between you and your husband and God.  Your in-laws may factor in a bit but do not let them rule you or define you and your actions.  ;)

I think your letter is good but I would delete the last line:

Excerpt
Dear Dad and Mum

Family is a very important value to us.
We hear you are really tired and broken and are sorry to hear how hard it's been.

Honouring your Ruby Wedding Anniversary is really important to us.
When you are ready, please send the invitation details through, then we make the necessary arrangements to be there.
What that looks like, will be up to us.

Love, us.

To me, the last line reads as a challenge and an opening for them to react to without it being necessary.  Make the arrangements that work for you, your husband and your 5 (!) kids.  They do not have a say in that and their input is not needed so why invite it is what I am thinking.  What do you think?

I would also recommend waiting to see what others here say.  Is there a deadline for the response?  If not, lets wait and see.

In the meantime, have you had a chance to do some reading in the lessons thread at the top of the board?  We have communication tools and strategies that can help a great deal when interacting with your in-laws and not getting drawn in. 
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
kiwigal
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 149


« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2019, 11:07:24 PM »

I so appreciated your response and it makes sense to me to remove the last line of our letter. I can see how it's a challenge and invites a reaction. I wanted to communicate a boundary - but you are so right, we can still hold that boundary without stating it; we just do what works for us, without inviting their input.
 I feel good about that.

One of the aspects that Im finding so challenging, is that I did a huge amount of counselling, prior to this current wedding anniversary issue, on my interaction with my in laws. I worked out that my bottom line value was, that my feelings and needs had a right to be heard, just like others.
For the past 6 months Ive consistently communicated and held the door open, that I love them, that we don't have to drag up past stuff, or make it arduous, but that it would be great to talk about some goals going forward.
My goals going forward are that I would like up front communication - because the backward way they communicate, and operate on assumptions, wreaks absolute havoc.
They simply wont engage and claim they don't understand me, find me scary and are just too tired.
I guess Im wrestling with feeling like Ive done everything I can- but this cycle of silencing and avoidance, or blaming and shaming, which replicates across the family, feels toxic and its quite energy consuming for me.
What do you do, when your voice is simply no longer heard? When do you decide its time to exit?
Logged
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2019, 01:47:06 PM »

Excerpt
we can still hold that boundary without stating it; we just do what works for us, without inviting their input.
 I feel good about that.
Exactly.  Do your thing, based on your values while considering others and make decisions accordingly.  You are right that boundaries do not always need to be expressed, they need to be upheld by us/you.

Excerpt
My goals going forward are that I would like up front communication - because the backward way they communicate, and operate on assumptions, wreaks absolute havoc.
I understand this desire and share it.  It is not always possible however.

Excerpt
I guess Im wrestling with feeling like Ive done everything I can- but this cycle of silencing and avoidance, or blaming and shaming, which replicates across the family, feels toxic and its quite energy consuming for me.
That sort of dynamic is toxic.  Part of the problem, that we can control, is having appropriate expectations.  They are telling you they are confused, get tired and their actions turn things around and use this against you.  You have your answer here.  They do not want to change or they can't see the need to or they feel threatened.  Regardless of the reason they put forth, they will not change and communicate in a way that works for you and is in line with your expectations.   

Excerpt
What do you do, when your voice is simply no longer heard? When do you decide its time to exit?
I stop beating my head against a brick wall trying to be heard.  It is hard to stop and let go of my expectations and desire for an adult relationship that is equal and based on mutual respect... but once I do let go and leave my expectations behind, my choices become clearer to me.  It is amazing how much clearer things are when my head is not hurting from banging it against a wall.   

Your choice does not have to be either or:  either have all contact or no contact.  There can be a happy middle in there.  No, they will not meet your expectations, but if you change your expectations to the simple truth that they are who they are and expect nothing else than for them to be who you know they are, the brick wall goes away.  does that make sense?  You can decide to cut contact forever or for a certain amount of time. 

Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2019, 06:32:37 PM »

Accepting that they are who they are and show no desire to change does not mean you don't hold them accountable for their actions. Sometimes this simply means that you respond based on your values, even if it doesn't change what they did.

For example, they want you to commit to an event but will not provide details. You make the commitment along with your values statement -- "Family is important to us, and we want to celebrate with you. Travel is tricky with five children, so we would have appreciated getting details up-front to help us plan." You might be a bit more blunt, depending on the situation.

Essentially, you "shine light" on their behaviors in a way that is not judging them but rather a clear I/we statement of your values, from your perspective.

They could still react defensively, but you are not responsible for their emotions.

It can get repetitious but can result in their eventually considering you before acting.

Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
kiwigal
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 149


« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2019, 07:32:18 PM »

One of the big problems we face is how we get positioned. We’ve expressed already that holding these events at a mutual place works for us because of all the family conflict. Right no, my sister in law and I are at an impass because I invited her to sort our ongoing issues and she doesn’t want to engage. But how they work is they all side against me for breaking the unspoken family rules.
So despite them talking about this wedding anniversary for six years or more - they’ve waited till 2 weeks out to say that the only suitable venue is at my sister in laws and will we come? And that my sister in law said we can stay at hers (not that she is even talking to me!) When my hubby replied he would stand at my side and to send through the details they responded with “till we knew your decision we wouldn’t send the invite out as if having empty seats would be too sad” ... basically saying it’s our fault it’s not going ahead because we’re being stubborn.
Our putting it back to them has at least kept a balance of power but I’m still incredibly angry at the manipulation that goes on and that will continue.
They’ve shut me down because I am more blunt and my
Hubby tends to placate a lot more. I guess he has learnt roles of functioning and I see it more straight. For example, he responded to her email saying “yes it arrived okay and you’re more tec savvy than you realise” ... i felt like “really? You have her a complement when she’d just sent a manipulative message our way?”... it raises for me that there is two things going on; feeling insecure with my husbands ability to speak bluntly when I’m voiceless and also feeling like there is no room to talk myself. I suppose I’m just angry a lot at moment at how impacting it’s been on me!
Logged
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2019, 08:03:30 PM »

This is frustrating and upsetting to be in a situation like this.  Of course you are angry and even feeling resentful.  

Gagrl gave a great reply about what to do beyond the acceptance I talked about.  You still get to speak and uphold your values and put the responsibility on them.  The rest, unfortunately, is not something you can control.   They will react and play victim and continue to triangulate others.  All you can do is control you and what you do.

Your husband is going to struggle with this.  He grew up in that environment and most likely has deeply embedded responses that are almost automatic.  It is going to take him time to adjust and learn new ways of being so the fact that you are both supporting each other is excellent.  

Excerpt
Hubby tends to placate a lot more. I guess he has learnt roles of functioning and I see it more straight. For example, he responded to her email saying “yes it arrived okay and you’re more tec savvy than you realise” ... i felt like “really? You have her a complement when she’d just sent a manipulative message our way?”... it raises for me that there is two things going on; feeling insecure with my husbands ability to speak bluntly when I’m voiceless and also feeling like there is no room to talk myself. I suppose I’m just angry a lot at moment at how impacting it’s been on me!
It is going to take a while and a lot of hard work for the both of you as your husband works to change the way he responds to his family and these passive aggressive games they play.  There werre some things that took me years to change consistently when dealing with my family.  Only my brother is alive now and we get alone fine but we both can clash sometimes and I till have to remind myself of the things I have learned through trial and error, therapy and here.

In the meantime, you have us.  We will always listen and support and encourage you while offering different perspectives.

We've got ya.
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2019, 08:15:25 PM »

It sounds as if the root of the current issue is the impasse between you and a SIL? Am I correct?

Sometimes a technique to resolve such a seeming impasse is the Drop the Rope. You are pulling on one end of the rope, toward having a conversation to resolve the relationship conflict -- SIL is pulling at the other end NOT to have that conversation. What happens if you (accepting that SIL is who she is and chooses not to change) drop your end of the rope and engage based on your values and boundaries?

I guess I'm confused about what the family needs past getting a commitment that you will be at a certain address on a certain date and time? Or what you need past that info? Are they requiring that you stay at the SIL's house for the event? Or thinking that you won't attend if the event is being held at SIL's house?

Are you and/or they equating attendance at the event at SIL's house as "all is now good" ? (Which of course it is not.)

This tug-of-war hoping that the other will acquiesce isn't getting you anywhere, so why not try something different?
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
kiwigal
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 149


« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2019, 11:03:24 PM »

It sounds as if the root of the current issue is the impasse between you and a SIL? Am I correct?

Sometimes a technique to resolve such a seeming impasse is the Drop the Rope. You are pulling on one end of the rope, toward having a conversation to resolve the relationship conflict -- SIL is pulling at the other end NOT to have that conversation. What happens if you (accepting that SIL is who she is and chooses not to change) drop your end of the rope and engage based on your values and boundaries?

I love this analogy... Im trying to relearn how to engage based on my values too.. and maybe thats where Im frustrated, I dont know how to do it?

The root of the current issues is an impasse in both the relationship between my MIL and also separately, my SIL. My impasse with my MIL is that she refuses to engage in listening to my needs and feelings and ignores my boundaries.  
My impasse with my SIL is that our relationship has been in a state of breakdown for years, and inspite of HOURS of talking and my owning anything I can, she still behaves hot and cold and doesn't include our family in events, or maligns us behind our back to the other sibling, but refuses to acknowledge what she is doing.

For both of them, they have BPD traits and both are allergic to culpability or negotiation skills.

For example: when my MIL got offended with my 5 year old, who she thought was being rude, my SIL stepped in, picked up my boy, plonked him on the couch and proceeded to start reprimanding him. I asked her to stop, and said to her, as the parent I would sort it.. and she completely ignored me. I called out to my hubby "I need you to come help here"...
Hubby turned up and said "Were the parents, we take care of this". Her response was;
"well you dont, so I will!" We then got a run down of how our kids are rude and disrespectful and how she intended to train them, because we weren't doing it.
We spent three hours talking and listened to what her viewpoint was and asked her to respect that we had differences of values, but as parents, we were in charge and at the end of that time, she maintained she was traumatised and has held me as untrustworthy ever since. Any time anything comes up to be resolved, the argument goes back that event.

Another example of how they work: I just had my baby, we text the family and said we were happy to see immediate parents, but were needing space because Id had a traumatic delivery and was paralysed down one side of my leg and unable to walk, was swollen and exhausted.
My MIL rings my hubby, 2 hours into their journey down to see us, and says "hey guess who we coming down.. your sister and her kids.. can we stay at yours? No pressure if we cant!" We probably should have said "no" but both of us were stunned mullets and exhausted from the ordeal we had just been through so relunctantly said okay. Given also the previous aforementioned event, we were wanting to not act as being difficult. When they did arrive, my MIL told my hubby she had to come home to feed them. He told them where the takeaway was and she said "No, you can come home and feed us bacon and eggs". If wed put our foot down, it would have been a show down.  My SIL was nice enough, brought in a present, and then when she got home, realised shed been burgled and wrote a lengthy email about how traumatic that was for her.
Both her and my MIL need to stay the centre of attention and make everything all about themselves.

These are two of hundreds of examples I have.. which ended up in me in the therapist room last year saying to my therapist "I think Im losing my mind, I need you to tell me if I need a psychiatrist". I was dead pan serious.

Both of them are very competitive and jealous of my relationship with my own mother and hubby, they're both insecurely attached to their spouses and so their summary is that I dont have needs.

I guess I'm confused about what the family needs past getting a commitment that you will be at a certain address on a certain date and time? Or what you need past that info? Are they requiring that you stay at the SIL's house for the event? Or thinking that you won't attend if the event is being held at SIL's house?

Are you and/or they equating attendance at the event at SIL's house as "all is now good" ? (Which of course it is not.)

This tug-of-war hoping that the other will acquiesce isn't getting you anywhere, so why not try something different?

For them, it's not enough to have a date and time..  we had already previously said we wanted mutual territory so they were testing us on that. (We would attend anyway at my SIL.. its just not easy). And yes, they will equate attendance as all being good and me having dropped my issues. I don't know how to navigate that one?

I am really curious with your tug of war ideas and perhaps finding ways to drop my end of the rope and engage better... its clear I cant get them to talk, listen, understand or see the need to change... so I guess I need to learn new ways to function. Hmm.
« Last Edit: March 24, 2019, 11:10:10 PM by kiwigal » Logged
kiwigal
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 149


« Reply #11 on: March 26, 2019, 03:38:52 AM »

A wee update.
After sending through the brief email as articulated above to my in laws.. we got a response from my tired/broken BPD MIL that said thank you -
and then proceeded to go back into addressing me about issues, pulled extracts out of texts Id sent, quoting them to "validate" her stance, and then explain again that she wont be talking but Dad will... oh.. except this time she said she would talk about plans/ arrangements but not anything else, obviously with my hubby and not with me.

It was this, that made me reach my enough point.
I am fine to accept she doesn't want to talk, and have communicated numerous times that I respect that. But she keeps raising things up.

I feel like its abusive, to keep saying she is too tired/ broken to talk - and then turn around and raise up stuff or her perception of issues or give "sorry if" statements for assumed offences, followed by justification of her stance, and why I have totally got it wrong.. and then finish off with reminding me that she isn't talking and that Im voiceless... and then expect that I will go along with what they plan.

I realised how distressed it was leaving me and decided I didn't want to do this to my own family, my health, my own wellbeing. So Im stepping away. I'll consider engaging on new grounds down the line, when Ive reached a place where the drama has subsided enough that any engagement on my part, is not seen as me acquiescing or plays into the game.

Ultimately, Im really concerned that they way they communicate, potentially puts a wedge between my husband and I.. because her statements and misquoting, paint me out to be the irrational or confusing one. Thankfully my hubby does see the game playing and is supporting me.. but were both exhausted of the game playing and the agenda that goes on.

So Im not making any decisions on anything, Im taking time out, for however long I need to heal, rest, refocus my energy back on things that matter to me; my family, my study, my health, my joy.

In the interim, my FIL apparently will make contact with hubby, and I will wait and see how that goes. Not expecting much as, like you've said, they operate as a dysfunctional unit. But hopefully over time, we can learn to re engage with our dignity and values in tact.
Logged
Woolspinner2000
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2007



« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2019, 07:58:24 PM »

Hi kiwigalWelcome new member (click to insert in post)

So glad you have reached out to us here! We are glad to have you as a member of our family. I know you have already gotten some wonderful advice and welcomes from the others, Gagrl and Harri. Members here are so very supportive and truly get what is going on in your life. We've all been there! My mom was an unBPD.

A couple of things stand out to me from your posts. One is the struggle to let things go, and please know for certain that every single one of us struggle with that! I really like Gagrl's picture of the rope and letting go. I think one of the greatest struggles as a Christian is that we are supposed to work at making things function and smooth them over...at least that is the way we have been taught and typically believe. To do otherwise is heresy, right? Through the T I have been in, I have begun to see that the way I was taught isn't necessarily the way that Jesus taught us. So many of the beliefs I have were ingrained in me from my early years in church and a Christian school, Christian college, then living on the mission field. I would think I'd have it down by now, but suddenly I find that the deep struggle to make things fit into the nice and neat world of Christianity doesn't always work so well.

My faith has grown deeper as I've begun to see who Jesus is, and how He did what He saw the Father doing. Did his Father tell him to go to the pharisees over and over again, working at reconciliation and trying to make it work, or did he see them for what they were?  In the Bible we see over and over that Jesus saw things as they were, and He didn't pretend they were otherwise. He didn't trust his heart to men (John 2:24). He set boundaries and was comfortable in being himself, not dependent upon the words or actions of others. I am still working on wrapping my head around this concept, but it is very helpful to me to see Jesus as my example to help me through the day to day.

I hope that is some encouragement for you. Hang in there!

 
Wools
Logged

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
kiwigal
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 149


« Reply #13 on: March 26, 2019, 08:44:37 PM »

Hi kiwigalWelcome new member (click to insert in post)

So glad you have reached out to us here! We are glad to have you as a member of our family. I know you have already gotten some wonderful advice and welcomes from the others, Gagrl and Harri. Members here are so very supportive and truly get what is going on in your life. We've all been there! My mom was an unBPD.

A couple of things stand out to me from your posts. One is the struggle to let things go, and please know for certain that every single one of us struggle with that! I really like Gagrl's picture of the rope and letting go. I think one of the greatest struggles as a Christian is that we are supposed to work at making things function and smooth them over...at least that is the way we have been taught and typically believe. To do otherwise is heresy, right? Through the T I have been in, I have begun to see that the way I was taught isn't necessarily the way that Jesus taught us. So many of the beliefs I have were ingrained in me from my early years in church and a Christian school, Christian college, then living on the mission field. I would think I'd have it down by now, but suddenly I find that the deep struggle to make things fit into the nice and neat world of Christianity doesn't always work so well.

My faith has grown deeper as I've begun to see who Jesus is, and how He did what He saw the Father doing. Did his Father tell him to go to the pharisees over and over again, working at reconciliation and trying to make it work, or did he see them for what they were?  In the Bible we see over and over that Jesus saw things as they were, and He didn't pretend they were otherwise. He didn't trust his heart to men (John 2:24). He set boundaries and was comfortable in being himself, not dependent upon the words or actions of others. I am still working on wrapping my head around this concept, but it is very helpful to me to see Jesus as my example to help me through the day to day.

I hope that is some encouragement for you. Hang in there!

 
Wools

Dear Wools,
Ive been sitting here praying and asking God for a place of peace and your response arrived. I too grew up in the Christian faith, the Church and still are. My own mum is a counsellor and family is one of my core values. It's been hard to accept that things are what they are, but also not fall into feelings of guilt or obligation.
I was just journalling and noting that over functioning is one of my habits - and writing myself some permission slips, such as "I wont hold goals for the relationship that they dont hold".. "I will say what I need to say, when I need to say it and bounce any unrealistic expectations of me".

I wrote my uBPD MIL this morning a brief note, that in a brief, short and empathic summary closed the invitation to more talking. I knew I had to do this, to stop the game. I don't expect it will stop her carrying on raising things - but I have said my part and can ignore anything else here on in. Im feeling grieved and also numb.

Ive also felt a lot like; God, where are you in all this?.
Ive had a lot of conflicted advice from others (not on here) - usually along the lines of "oh talk to your FIL and see if he can get it" or "just go along with things and suck it up for the day/night". One counsellor told me "one day you will look back and realise how small this really was!". I knew he meant well, but I felt like these responses indicate that Im making so much, of something menial.
And so it's been hard to discern where God is, in all the comments.

Within that, are responses here, and from my own hubby and mum, that are deeply validating and remind me that this isn't all in my head. Your own comment reminds me that yes, Jesus didn't get along with everyone, or try and fix all his relationships, or make it work beyond his boundaries.

I share your values on what this journey has meant too. At times Ive resented being in this place, but the reality is that Ive spent hours and hours in counselling making sense of this stuff, and it's been through this journey that Ive come to realise my own calling as a counsellor. Ive just recently begun training.
I know I would never have considered it, had I not faced these challenges. Your words are truly sweet to my soul and Im off to buy some roses and remember that God is very near in our pain and often through others who get it for us, as you have for me <3

Thank you xx
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #14 on: March 26, 2019, 08:59:48 PM »

So...you dropped the rope!

Now you are free to be, and let them be, as things evolve. Perhaps some day you will have a respectful, face to face relationship with them. At this time, it is apparent they are not capable of interacting without stepping on your values and boundaries. So they don't get to.

I love the strength you are finding within all this. It is a different kind of strength -- inner directed rather than outer.
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
kiwigal
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 149


« Reply #15 on: March 26, 2019, 09:25:45 PM »

So...you dropped the rope!

Now you are free to be, and let them be, as things evolve. Perhaps some day you will have a respectful, face to face relationship with them. At this time, it is apparent they are not capable of interacting without stepping on your values and boundaries. So they don't get to.

I love the strength you are finding within all this. It is a different kind of strength -- inner directed rather than outer.

I read this comment right now in the store and laughed out loud while tears sprung to my eyes - all at once. I so love what you wrote and the affirmation that this is what dropping the role actually looks like! Thank you! It’s so empowering and your words mean the world xx
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!