DD17 refusing to talk to me, and tbh, I'm...relieved

[Mirsa]

So, many of you know my story that BPD DD17 (soon to be 18 next month) moved out of my home last fall so that she could have a sexual relationship with her boyfriend in her father's home.  Profound relief and subsequent guilt at this relief have been the two major feelings following this event.  I am doing amazingly great...rested, recovering from the trauma of parenting a BPD teen solo for three years, and enjoying a peaceful home for the first time in about a decade.  My younger DD15 is also starting to thrive in her sister's absence...self-confidence is returning and she's happier than she's been in about three years. 

I initially took some space from DD17 after her move-out and the betrayal surrounding that.  I did this in as loving a way as I could at the time; no theatrics or anger, just took some space and explained that I needed some time.  During those months I had little contact with DD17 and spent the time really coming to accept that this is who she is:  a totally self-centered BPD narcissist and she will pretty much always be this way (it runs in the family, sadly, probably genetic).  Folks in the forums have helped me to figure out how to interact with her in a new way via radical acceptance, emotional detachment, and compassion.

When I felt ready to approach her from a place of love, I reached out to her, and have seen her twice in as many months.  I'm sure no one will be surprised to hear that she sent me a text this week saying she wants no contact with me.  She apparently has been grievously wounded by the fact that I failed to tell her that I love and miss her for the past few months (even though I did tell her that I loved her via text several times...telling her I missed her would have been an absolute lie ).  So, this is a classic narcisstic injury...I get that.  And she claims power by discarding people...in fact, she discards everyone eventually.  It's just my turn, so I don't even take it personally. 

So, I'm not triggered.  I'm not upset.  I don't miss her.  I don't really want to see her, I just kind of felt like I should, I am her mother after all.  Maybe on some level she senses this and is saying she'd rather have no relationship than the semi-relationship I'm proposing.  It certainly won't be like what it was in the past, when I was her sole parent, trusted her, and was intimately involved in her life.  She pretty much killed that relationship.  However, I do think we could have some kind of relationship...but it will certainly be different than what it was.  However, when people don't adulate her, react constantly to her drama, and give her all the attention she feels she  deserves, she cuts them out of her life. 

My plan at this point is to continue to reach out to her periodically in a loving way and be available to her when she is ready.  But in the meantime, I am going to try to not feel too guilty about the relief of not having to actually interact with her.   I acknowledge that it is possible that this breach could continue for years and decades.  I may have lost my daughter permanently...who knows.  She's tough when people don't jump to her tune (loves to play the victim).  I'd be sad about this on one level, but also feeling really at peace with it.  And that is the strangest feeling of all...  She's safe. Her father and his companion are parenting her, for better or for worse.  It's her life to live at this point; and I'm satisfied with the job I did in raising her for the past 18 years.  Whether she appreciates the foundation I've given her and that I saved her life repeatedly in the past few years has become irrelevant.  I am satisfied with the work I did as a parent, and that is what matters to me.  I'm a little sad for her, that she is denying herself a mother...and her sister.  Maybe she thinks she doesn't deserve it on some level?  The subconscious mind is a powerful thing.  She's pushed us both away; blaming us for having to do so, of course. 

But, it's all okay.  I'm feeling very accepting and peaceful about this lately.  It's a strange, new feeling for me.  And I kind of feel as though I 'should' be a lot more upset.  But I'm simply not.  Just wanted to share.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there Mirsa

Thanks much for posting this update. I’ve wondered how you’ve been getting on.

I can see you’ve been working hard and feeling stronger. The learning, reflecting, practising the skills over a period of time is what really works. The knowledge brings understanding, loving detachment protects us. Two words “loving” and “detachment” - how strange that they even can be used in the same sentence.

I found a new found confidence, like I felt I’d grown up in a way. Being able to look at the longer view and not fall apart. Being able to find a life for ourselves. Seeing my situation as it was not as I hoped it would be. There’s no grief for me, but yes a bit of guilt. I tell myself I do my best and that’s all I can do.

Life and family move forwards, relationships start, weddings, christenings and yes, deaths and crisis. In the long term, I think you know your daughter will eventually pop up. Hopefully, she’ll have developed and have a more matured view of things.

You say your peaceful and that’s a wonderful place to be.

Does your daughter live close by?  Does she stay in contact with her sister?

LP

[Huat]

Hello Mirsa

All of our stories are different.  Each one of us is at different stages of our journey.  What works for one may not work for another...sometimes should not even be tried by another.

I am well ahead of you in age but, in regards to our daughter, only in recent years have I gotten to where you are now...facing up to the radical acceptance of what is...IS...dealing with it accordingly.  I'm a slow learner.

The tears I have shed over the years as the hurts of being estranged so many times from our daughter and our precious grandchildren washed over me could fill buckets.  Before starting to embark on my journey of healing I had dropped into a very dark place...a period of my life that, when I look back, makes me cringe. 

In reading your post and then Lollypop's I mulled over the word "guilt" that both of you used.  While I confess to a sadness, I am not picking up on any more self-guilt.  Of course I could have done things differently and, possibly, the story today would be different...BUT...I am confident that I was trying the best I could with this troubled child of mine. 

My husband and I will be celebrating our 57th wedding anniversary this year and while this hasn't been a marriage-made-in-heaven, we've made it work in spite of what we have lived through...especially with our children.  Besides the uBPD'er who I write about here, we've walked (are walking) with the other as he continues to pull himself out of drug addiction.

We are in yet another period of no contact with our daughter (well...other than the caustic emails that will suddenly show up on my computer).  Yes, it would be nice if this relationship with her would heal but at this point, the ball is in her court and she doesn't want to play.  I, like you, have started to appreciate the silence...the absence of drama.  I will always love her.  Like her?  Not so much.

Glad you are here, Mirsa.   I think the words you and people like Lollypop write are important for others to read as they work on building up their courage to carry on and make the much-needed changes that only they can make.

Here is to better and better tomorrows for all of us but, in the meantime, let's work on making today a day where we can fit in a smile or two.  We owe that to ourselves. 

Huat 

[SkellyII]

So, I'm not triggered.  I'm not upset.  I don't miss her.  I don't really want to see her, I just kind of felt like I should, I am her mother after all.  Maybe on some level she senses this and is saying she'd rather have no relationship than the semi-relationship I'm proposing.  It certainly won't be like what it was in the past, when I was her sole parent, trusted her, and was intimately involved in her life.  She pretty much killed that relationship.  However, I do think we could have some kind of relationship...but it will certainly be different than what it was.  However, when people don't adulate her, react constantly to her drama, and give her all the attention she feels she  deserves, she cuts them out of her life. 

But, it's all okay.  I'm feeling very accepting and peaceful about this lately.  It's a strange, new feeling for me.  And I kind of feel as though I 'should' be a lot more upset.  But I'm simply not.  Just wanted to share.

October 2020

This was the two word text that I sent to a close friend this morning. That is when my daughter turns 18, and I will no longer be legally or financially responsible for her. I assume at that time, she will probably move back in with her udBPD, alcoholic, drug abusing mother, who lets her do anything she wants, and won't encourage her to take her (prescribed) meds and go to therapy.

If that occurs, I hope that I can use my radical acceptance skills to help me deal with things the way that you have. I can so much identify with everything that you said!

This morning wasn't a major trigger, it's just been an accumulation of things that have been going on over the last week and month. As I told another friend this morning, I used to pride myself on being a patient person, both in my work and personal lives. I just don't have it anymore.

She just started in another adolescent BPD group the other day, I start in a parents BPD support group next week. My current hope is that I can keep her pointed in the right direction, i.e. meds, therapy and get her graduated from high school, so at least she has a chance in life.

Take care, and I really enjoyed reading your post!

[Turkish]

This is letting go with grace,  not only for her,  but for yourself. 

[stampingt1]

Mirsa,

Glad that you are getting some time to yourself & that your 15 yr old is thriving. Hopefully that she's living at her dad's is a comfort to you. The relationship w/ your BPD 17 daughter will be rocky, but at this point it will be rocky at a distance.

Hugs!