Dealing with your own feelings of being judged as bad parent

[StressedOutDaily]

Hi,

I am struggling with feelings of shame.  I know other parents (and now my BPDd's friends) are judging me as a bad (or uncaring - which to me is worse) parent.

Logically I know this is not true, no one knows what is going on behind closed doors, how much we are suffering, how much hurt and pain we feel that our BPDd is struggling and in pain.How hard we are working to get her to a better place.  But her actions - very promiscuous,  inappropriate postings on social media, the blow ups with friends over miscommunications or misunderstandings, are all they see.

Parents with whom I have been friendly with since she was in kindergarten now avoid me. 

Yesterday my d was very upset because she found out that some of her friends have been talking about her and me.  I guess one of the kids called me a "stupid idiot bitch who has no idea how bad her f** daughter is".  Someone sent her a screen shot, and she was very very upset.  My response to her was "I know who I am, and it doesn't bother me what anyone else thinks of me" .  What does matter to me is you, your brother and your dad.  What you 3 think matters, no one else, because I know myself" .    That seemed to calm her down.    I will admit a part of me felt good that she was upset because someone said something bad about me.   Then I thought - maybe she's upset because that is her job   LOL!

It is just so lonely...I was always so involved in the schools, pta, girl scouts, etc...and now it seems like people cross the street to avoid me.   

Just wondering how everyone else deals with this...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Reading this post brought back a lot of memories for me, SOD. I struggled with how I was perceived by others in light of my daughter's behavior. At age 14 she was promiscuous (not actual sex, but lots of inappropriate sexual behavior with older boys), and she aired all of our dirty laundry to her friends and their parents.

I wish I could tell you I found a way for it to not bother me then, but I didn't. It's only recently that I've been able to reject other people's perception/judgment of me but it started with my rejecting my own negative perception of myself.

Negative self-talk is in my head at times and I think (or if I'm alone, I say), "That's not true and this is the evidence to dispute the thought." For example, I've worked for the government for more than 30 years. Six years ago I got a promotion that carries with it a lot of responsibility. If I make a mistake at work, I might start thinking, "I don't deserve this job, I can't believe I've not been fired by now. I must have really snowed my boss in the interview, it's only a matter of time before I'm found out as the incompetent employee I am." I'll think, or say, "I'm feeling incompetent because I made a mistake. I am a competent employee. I have held a job for more than 30 years, have been promoted several times and have been at this job for six years. I have always received positive performance reviews."

So, I wonder if some positive self-talk would help you? Negative thoughts have a way of taking over and creating negative feelings. For me, those feelings were shame, embarrassment, guilt, and loneliness. Feelings are not facts. You are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation and the things you are doing right deserve acknowledgment, celebration, the space in your head that is sometimes occupied by negative ruminations.

Parents with whom I have been friendly with since she was in kindergarten now avoid me. 

How does this look? Like, are they making quick exits when you try to interact? Not picking up the phone when you call?

I guess one of the kids called me a "stupid idiot bitch who has no idea how bad her f** daughter is". 

Oh geeze, kids are something else, aren't they? Especially girl kids, haha. You KNOW that you know the reality of things. You ARE aware of the gravity of the situation. These kids THINK they know the reality of your life, experiences. They don't, they're kids.

My response to her was "I know who I am, and it doesn't bother me what anyone else thinks of me"

Excellent response and a great example of positive self-talk that could help you reject the feelings of shame.

I will admit a part of me felt good that she was upset because someone said something bad about me.   Then I thought - maybe she's upset because that is her job   LOL!

As Wendydarling told me once, take your D's words at face value. Your D was upset because someone said something bad about you. This speaks to all the things you're doing "right."

It is just so lonely...I was always so involved in the schools, pta, girl scouts, etc...and now it seems like people cross the street to avoid me.

Are you not involved in those things anymore? Sometimes, friendships/acquaintances are formed simply because folks are together by circumstance, not by choice. I enjoy the company of several colleagues while at work but have only maintained a couple of "friendships" out of the many people I've worked with over the past 30+ years.

I don't know if anything I've said is helpful to you and I could be off the mark. This is just what came to my mind when I read your post.

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi stressed out

I totally understand. It can be lonely.

What I say is that it’s just not BPD, drugs or mental health problems in families that cause friends to depart -  its illnesses or financial difficulties too. We are pack animals and there is  expected “norms”. People feel uncomfortable, perhaps don’t know what to say or, for me even worse, judge you.

I used to be one of those people, quite opinionated and judgmental. I’ve been truly humbled and now know I’m a better person for it.

I find it extremely difficult to be around people who are close-minded, ungenerous and judgemental. They are just not nice.
Ha! I judge them for judging me!

It took me quite a few years to not feel prickled by people thinking we wrere bad parents. In fact, my cousin wrote to me by email and, importantly this was when we’d never heard if BPD and she had because she lives in the USA, “I don’t judge you as a bad parent”.  I was reeling as that was my first introduction to judgement. Ironically, my friends and family here thought BPD was another whacky American thing - yet another poor judgement!  Everyone was so invalidating.

I can take it. My husband can too. However, it pains our heart that younger son18 suffers the consequence of his older brothers reputation. At first, he used it as a “cool” badge of honour “my brothers badaxx”.  As he’s emotionally matured this altered to resentment and shame. Currently, I see him stick up for his older brother which is good.

How did son28 feel?  In his teens - nothing as he was out of control. Gradually, as he’s developed - he knows he’s caused our friends to drop us. He most probably would justify that by saying they weren’t real friends then mum. He’s sorry, I think but it doesn’t cause him any anxieties - he has little empathy for us as parents. I’ve noticed he can show empathy for his friends but it never lasts - he blacks them eventually.

I guess we grow a thicker skin. We tighten as a family. The friends we do have are real friends. That’s how I see it.

Plus - I HAVE YOU ALL HERE!  That’s how I feel. It’s been 4 and a half years of my life invested here as I learn.

LP

[Mr. Dake]

It's normal and human for a variety of circumstances to cause us to question ourselves and to need to work through our emotions.  Our daughter is so unrelenting in her criticism of me, at times I wonder if her statements have validity.  At work, about 1/3 of the staff are emotionally unhealthy.   They question their supervisors, me, and our agency constantly.  They are continually negative, complaining and gossiping.    It struck me again yesterday, with a highly disgruntled employee, that I want to be liked, respected, appreciated, etc.  In this case, as well as with my daughter, the price is too high.   They would have to get their way in everything which I'm not willing to provide.   I'm reading on SET (Support, Empathy, and Truth) for our daughter.  I coached the supervisor to use this approach with the toxic employee (who does have good qualities as to the quality and quantity of her work), and Collaborative Problem Solving (win/win approach) and by his description the conversation about as well as it could have.     

[stampingt1]

Hi stressed out,

I, too, feel judged. Our BPD 18 son acts fine in public, so only my husband & myself see what's really going on. I'm pretty sure my parents think that it's my fault that I can't get along w/ our son. Finally, I had to tell my mom that she "doesn't have a clue what our life is like". Our son's counselor didn't think that the BPD diagnosis fit, until my husband explained what the almost nightly episodes were think. The counselor will now be seeing our son on a weekly basis. 

Our BPS lives are lonely & hard enough without adding "being judged by others to the mix". Hugs!

[StressedOutDaily]

Thank you everyone...I was having a down day yesterday.  Thanks for listening.

OH   

Are you not involved in those things anymore?

  Because my children are older (son in college) BPDd in HS - there isn't the same level of parent involvement - so that is part.  I have volunteered for some of the parent groups in the HS - but they are very much cliques (just like HS   and I really did not feel welcome.  Maybe nothing to do with my D behavior, just the groups of parents in those groups were not welcoming to outsiders.   

How does this look? Like, are they making quick exits when you try to interact? Not picking up the phone when you call?

Basically yes...at school functions (conferences where you see other parents in the halls, parent nights, sports events, etc)or in the grocery store,  you know that they saw you, caught your eye ..quickly look away and move in a different direction.  When they can't avoid me or my DH, you can tell that they are uncomfortable and they make small talk and quickly exit the situation.

As Wendydarling told me once, take your D's words at face value. Your D was upset because someone said something bad about you. This speaks to all the things you're doing "right."

. Thank you OH and Wendydarling

LP - 

HAVE YOU ALL HERE!

thank you, that is how I feel too. Finding this site has been a real blessing.

Mr. Drake -

It's normal and human for a variety of circumstances to cause us to question ourselves and to need to work through our emotions.

  This past week has been exceptionally stressful. Besides the "normal" crap, my DD was fighting with her friends and the school got involved, I am worried about the 504 planning meeting we have set for next week, and I found out that my position is being eliminated  March 31st (a part time position that  I love, am good at, and provided the extra income to pay for all the out of pocket therapy) . I usually am able to be "thick skinned", but this week was just a feeling more lonely than usual.

I have been attending a mindfulness workshop for Lent early on Saturday mornings - and this morning the person who is leading the workshop read a poem "Kindness"by Naomi Shihab Nye.    It really hit home for me.  To me it basically said - until you know true sorrow you will not know kindness.  Once you experience sorrow as the deepest thing you will then be able to be kind in all you do.

As I listened to it I thought about how I could be very judgmental about everyone.  I have noticed that I am much less so... not perfect...but if there is a silver lining, through this experience, I am becoming more accepting of others and hopefully being a kinder person.   

[Mirsa]

Hi StressedOutDaily,

When people judge my parenting as bad, this is a huge shame trigger for me.  It's probably my biggest shame trigger in fact and can wrap me in knots for weeks.  Literally bring me to my knees. 

Try this on for size:  my BPD DD17 was completely out of control for three years:  depression, drugs, promiscuity, smoking at school, failing classes, screaming at teachers, stealing from the cafeteria, walking out of school, skipping classes, wearing inappropriate clothing, you name it.  I got an IEP for her with a diagnosis of emotionally disturbed.  That helped.  But, although she's better know:  good grades, stable boyfriend (and just one), etc. she got caught vaping in the bathroom last week, and called the assistant principal a F*ing A**hole in the middle of the main office.

So, I work at the high school and I'm an administrator/supervisor in the school district with responsibilities K-12.  It's a high-profile position and every action, social media post, etc. reflects on me. 

It. Was. Hell. My professional reputation took a serious blow and is only now recovering as DD has (mostly) calmed down. 

Basically, I couldn't escape her at home or at work.  Everyone knew because teachers talk and gossip, and every conversation with every employee and supervisee became loaded.  I always wondered what people were saying about me.  I was a writhing ball of shame, no doubt about it.  Add in the shaming accusations of an idiotic family court judge and ex's shark attorney...what an onslaught. 

So, I completely, 100% get it. 

I've just finished listening twice to an audioseries by Brene Brown, The Power of Vunerability.  She is a shame researcher and speaker and I really got a lot out of the CD's.  I have a long way to go with shame however, as I know I'm still pretty easily triggered by what she calls a 'shame gremlin.'  Her recommendation is to work to be our authentic selves, by letting go of what others or we think we should be and fully embracing who we actually are. 

I'm a human with a complex range of emotions, goals, dreams, needs, wants, and aspirations.  My role as a mother is just one part of me.  It is not the sum total of who I am, and it is a decreasingly small part of my identity. I'm trying to let go of it, to be honest.  I was so wrapped up in 'mother' as the central part of my identity for close to 18 years.  That is enough.  It's time for that part of me to become small again and other parts of mySelf to get more of my love and attention.  Brene Brown advocates for self-compassion and self-kindness and well, I'm working on it. 

Hugs.

[StressedOutDaily]

Mirsa - Wow  thank you so much for sharing.  Im going to look up Brene Brown   Hugs to you!   

[wendydarling]

And from our Community Built Knowledge Base, if you've not seen yet.

VIDEO | The Power of Vulnerability  - Brené Brown, PhD
VIDEO | Listening to shame - Brené Brown, PhD

Hope you're having a better day.

WDx

[StressedOutDaily]

Thank you Wendydarling!

[livednlearned]

If there is an NEA BPD Family Connections offered near you that can be a wonderful place to feel less judged. It can take a while to find one because they are peer-led and people with BPD loved ones tend to have their hands full  

I looked for one in my area and it took over a year before I heard from someone.

One of the high points for me being in a face-to-face group was the unexpected shared laughter, almost gallows humor, about things you only understand if you have a BPD loved one. It is therapeutic because the intensity of love and concern is so palpable, as well as the grief and exhaustion, so the release of laughter felt almost cathartic. I remember a woman saying she came home from work, saw her daughter's car parked in the driveway, and just kept driving. I have done the same thing and never admitted it to anyone, and it was a relief to hear others laugh out loud without malice, just understanding.

Sorry to hear that your part-time work was eliminated. Change is hard and you are perceptive to recognize how the loss affects your experience of other challenging things in your life. I lost my job a while ago and it was the last straw standing between me and a full-blown depression.

Be kind to yourself.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[StressedOutDaily]

Livedandlearned - we are going to a Family Connections intensive weekend program in May.      I have heard that the program is fantastic.

[livednlearned]

That's great it's an intensive weekend 

Mine was a few hours every Sunday for eight weeks or so and people came and went based on their availability. Having your group remain intact will likely make it feel more like a bonding experience.

There are support groups for people who have been through the FC program, too.

I'm glad you found a Family Connections program in your area 

[Miserable Mom]

StressedOutDaily Wow. I am scheduled to attend NEABPD intensive weekend in May also, about 250 miles from me. I am looking forward to it and learning all I can. They responded rather quickly with an invite!