undiagnosed BPD MIL

[tarantallegra]

Hi everybody, thanks for being here and for listening.

H and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1. We are in our late 20s.

H has known since before he met me that there was something very wrong with his mom. He's an only child. When he was little, by his account MIL was a model mother, but once he hit adolescence she became furious with him every time he displayed independence, expressed an opinion different from hers, or was generally a cranky or defiant teenager. She told him that he was abusing her whenever he disagreed with her. She's perpetually angry with him for having moved to the other coast (where he met me and we now live). He was briefly in therapy when he was in his last year of college, which enabled him to identify some of her problematic tendencies and build up his self-esteem. He is now actively looking for another therapist, though has not been in therapy since then.

MIL is relatively high-functioning from what I understand. She has been able to make her own living. She is a creative person and she freelances; when she has a breakdown with a client she moves on to the next project. To our knowledge she has no substance abuse issues, thank god. She has been married to FIL for several decades and it is her only stable relationship: FIL is a classic enabler. At one point in her life she was estranged from each member of her immediate family and her entire extended. She cannot hold on to friends and displays the classic splitting behavior: at first the friend is the best thing that ever happened to her; later the friend is the worst nightmare. She dislikes her in-laws and has tried to alienate FIL and H from them. FIL doesn't seem to have independent friends -- all their friends are mutual and when MIL gets tired of them FIL moves right along too. In theory she likes the idea of H having friends but there's a reason he doesn't have any remaining in his home city where ILs still live -- every time he went home and wanted to see elementary school or high school friends she got upset because it was time spent away from her. As a result, all his friends are on this coast where we live and we only travel to his home to see the ILs once a year at most.

My problem is that MIL ADORES me and treats her son terribly. I'm way, way up on a pedestal. She is convinced right now that any success he has in life he "owes" to me and that I am the best person that ever lived. I have been able to maintain equilibrium with her by keeping contact brief, positive, and surface level. I know that at some point this will change and I'm holding my breath for the point when it does. Talking to her is exhausting. She only really talks about herself and doesn't seem able to follow the logic of a conversation. She does not insult me when she talks but she does insult others, like her son, and I get upset hearing it but don't really know how to defend him without setting off a fight.

I come from a stable, warm, welcoming family. She professes to like my parents (who she has met a couple of times) very much but she also views them as competition. We see them more often than we see her because they're closer to us geographically and they're not, uh, coo coo for cocoa puffs, and she's forever counting beans and trying to guilt us about it. We've been trying to limit her knowledge of when we see them.

I caught on that MIL might be undiagnosed BPD when her only living parent (from whom she was estranged) passed away a while back. After her parent died, suddenly they were the best person, and she completely rewrote history so that they were extremely close and always had been. She became furious with anyone who denied her new version of events. I was so disturbed by what I witnessed that I told my therapist about it and my therapist suggested her behavior might align with BPD symptoms, so here I am.

In about a month, she is going to come visit us for the first time in several years. She is coming to attend a large party in my honor. My mother will also be present, which she will say she is delighted about, but will probably make her feel icky. She will be by herself -- FIL is staying home for logistical/work reasons. Now that we know this, how do we cope?

[Mutt]

Hi tarantallegra,



I’d like to welcome you to  bpdfamily, I’m glad that you have decided to join us.

It has to be hard to hear her say bad things about your H and you have to bite your tongue. It shows that she’s not putting herself in your shoes and empathizing with how awkward a position that she puts you in.

It sounds like your H is split black, hoe long does she say nothing but bad things about him then switches to saying anything but good things about him ( split white )? Do they talk to each other?

You have a month I’d suggest read up on JADE and drama triangles, you don’t want to get involved in the drama the best thing to do is to remain neutral .

JADE is a simple concept but its very effective at diminish your stress with people with very difficult personalities. JADE stands for don’t Justify Argue Defend or Explain if you do any of those things it just gives something to a high conflict personality to blame or attack you with you want to make yourself a small target, don’t bring attention to yourself.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain) OK. What does this really mean?

[tarantallegra]

Thank you! It seems to me that MIL goes on a cycle of 1 year with regard to her feelings toward H. Once a year, after some escalation, he will get a big phone call or email about what a terrible, abusive son and person he is. After that, she sweeps this under the rug, and we get about 3-6 mo of calm and peace before she starts ramping up again, starting with subtle insults. Last blow up was August. She is now in a slow ramp up again -- last time I spoke to her she insulted his appearance. They talk on the phone about once a week and it's the same there -- after the blowups she is very loving and then starts to get snippier and more demanding.

One of her biggest fears is that she is a bad mom and she is always telling others what a good mom she is and how others are bad moms. I think she's angry with him for not conforming to her idea of what a son should be, but she's also scared to lose him because it would mean she's a bad mother.

[zachira]

It sounds like you really get it with your MIL. You and your husband are smart to limit your contact with her and to not expect much in return. I hear your concern about how she might behave badly at the party honoring you. My one suggestion would be to keep her surrounded by the people she wants to impress as much as possible, and keep her away from the people she paints black and feels comfortable acting badly in front of. I learned a long time ago with my mother and siblings with both BPD and NPD that they act better in front of people they want to impress and are at their worst when alone with immediate family members.

[Mutt]

are at their worst when alone with immediate family member

The worst behaviour is directed at the people closest to a pwBPD because they are tempered. I also want to add that a pwBPD don’t handle stress very well she hasn’t seen your H or you in several years, it’s a party and the in-laws are there that can be stressful. Your concerns are warranted.

[tarantallegra]

Yes, and FIL won't be there -- she really gets distressed when she is away from him, so that's another issue. I find her easier to deal with when we are all in large groups, which is good for the party, but she will want to see a lot of me and H while she is in town, which is stressful. She doesn't like our city very much and is always commenting about the weather and the unfriendliness of people and how the restaurants aren't comfortable and so on and on, which I think is her way of trying to get us to move to where she is someday. (Not going to happen.)

[zachira]

Do you have a friend or close family member you can nearly always have around when you and your husband have to be with your MIL?

[Mutt]

Do you have a friend or close family member you can nearly always have around when you and your husband have to be with your MIL?

I like this idea because it will keep MIL in check in public.

[tarantallegra]

This is a thought. It doesn't even have to be the same person every time. We can always say we'd just like to introduce her to more of our friends. We're also trying to come up with some activities to do with her.

[Mutt]

Is she staying with you or family or staying at a hotel? I ask because at the end of the day a pwBPD May take out the their stress on you after the days activities. Just a thought.

[tarantallegra]

We do NOT want her to stay with us. When she and FIL have come together, they always stay in a hotel because the guest room is not comfortable for two people, but there's room for one. We are hoping to arrange for a friend coming in for the same party to take the guest room before she even asks.

[BLOOMood]

I just want to tell you to beware when your MIL is putting you on a pedestal. My UBPD MIL acted much the same way to me in the beginning of our relationship, and I feel that it was all part of her manipulation. As I slowly started to notice patterns in her behavior, I actually was surprised at first that she took  her anger out more on her son than me. She would vent about him to me. She was nice to me at first, I believe,  so I would trust her and share information with her that she could use to manipulate situations and be in control somehow. She also thought that it might benefit her financially to be nice to me (she can't support herself and relies on family for everything).

I have now been with my husband for almost 7 years (married nearly 2) and I will say that the more serious our relationship became, the more my MIL has had a hard time controlling her outbursts and abusive behavior toward us both, but has shifted more of her anger towards me. She would love nothing more than to come between me and my husband so she could step in and play the role of his wife. (textbook emotional incest). She now realizes that I am not her ally and senses that I see through her constant lies and manipulation. She has always had explosive behavior that caused everyone in her family to tiptoe around her, but I have made  it clear that I am not going to be a doormat for her to bully, so she REALLY doesn't like that. Also the longer my husband sees a calm family life with me and my side of the family, the more he realizes that her behavior his entire life has not been acceptable. He has started to set boundaries with her and stand up to her domineering behavior also and it puts her in a tailspin. Navigating her within our relationship has been a bumpy road though, as he goes back and forth (usually when she guilt trips him).

Anyway, I just wanted to give you advice that I wish someone had given me. Be polite, listen to her, but be very cautious and don't share too much with her. If she is anything like my UBPD MIL, she will only turn anything you say around on you later.