Perfect storm

[Tsunami Sailor]

Hi.  I think my first post was accidentally routed to the wrong SO group, so I am restating it here.

I am new here, and I've been sailing my family through the variable conditions around my wife.  Last week, she felt too sick to go to our weekly therapy session, so I went solo.  Our counselor suggested I read about BPD.   I've been evaluating the diagnostic test questions and reading Walking on Eggshells, and it   It seems to be a pretty accurate diagnosis.  What makes this a perfect storm is that she exhibits depressive symptoms often, which she attributes to the loss of her father (who was ill for most of his life) when she was in her young 30s, plus the death of a child from her previous marriage which was caused by medical staff shortly after birth.  She is now in her later 40s and in the past year or so has begun symptoms of perimenopause.  If that wasn't enough, she experiences body aches and pains, and exhaustion that go along with a diagnosis of fibromyalgia.  Finally, we have 2 children <10 years old who engage in activities and have the needs of kids < 10 years old.

I find myself often having to be a single parent, the sole income source, and sometime caretaker for her - depending on the day, the need, and her mood.  It doesn't seem too uncommon that sometimes I'm wonderful and sometimes I'm a bastard that she wished she'd never met because I'm selfish and unloving.  As I detect from many of you, I often don't know what to expect from my relationship with her, but I'm so guarded at this point that I can't see allowing myself to trust enough to love the way I did when we started.  That, on top of the way I'm treated, makes me feel unenthusiastic about where this is headed.  My kids need me full-time.  My kids don't need to hear the nasty things she yells at me, and don't need to hear the nasty things she yells at them.  My kids do benefit from her in her calm and loving state. My kids do need a loving mom. Unfortunately, I wish my kids could grow up without this kind of relationship serving as a model for them.

At this point, knowing about her fibro and her menopause, and all the stuff that comes with them is more than she can handle.  I don't know if or when our therapist will also talk to her about BPD symptoms.  I do know that after 6 months of therapy, she still does not yet own any of her behavior.  She understands she shouldn't lash out, but none of that would happen if I understood menopause better, or fibromyalgia better, if I really loved her, or if we moved, or built a she-shed, or if I bought her a camper to travel with her dog, or a houseboat so she could take water vacations with her dying dog, or we followed any of her quick-fix solutions.  There always seems to be one quick fix solution in her mind that I politely try to resist by suggesting that her recovery needs to be internal.  I am sure this group already knows that her response is to lash out at my selfishness, and that she might as well die... and on and on.

It's exhausting to me.  I feel I am calm and even-keeled enough most of the time, and know it's not me, but it still takes a tremendous amount of energy and focus to ignore and immediately turn my attention to being the best dad by helping kids with homework, reading, doing flashcards, playing with them, getting them dressed and out of the house for sports, making meals.

I try to keep an eye toward doing things for myself.  Sometimes those things are good enough for me, but sometimes they are used against me, such as the fact I carve out time to exercise and she doesn't have the discipline (and refuses to take my lead in doing it together).

Anyway, each day it's a different wind speed and direction, different tide, different wave height.  I'm trying to keep the crew safe, but sometimes I lose track of where we're supposed to be headed.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

Hello Tsunami Sailor 

And welcome, you are in a good and safe place to come and learn, to vent, and to interact with others whom are in the same pathway as you.

I can certainly relate to many of the things that you have written, you used the word 'exhausting'… and this is very accurate of a relationship / marriage to a person whom has traits of borderline personality disorder (BPD).

So your counselor suggested you read "Egg Shells"… I've read that book too, it sure opened my eyes… there is another one, "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder "… I also read, "I Hate You Don't Leave Me"… both were good reads, and set me to thinking and considering about a whole host of things in regards to my own marriage.

This website is loaded with all kinds of very good information (tools), at the top banner's… Diagnosis + Treatment / Tips / & Tools… also on each board, at the top, there is much more (lessons), there are also several boards towards the bottom of "groups", I would encourage you to take a look… knowledge is key,

I am understanding that your wife is not officially diagnosed?… but that your therapist/counselor has made the suggestion that your wife does present many traits of BPD.

Its a tough road to travel, please tell us all more as you feel confrontable, and have the time… you will find many more here that are in the exact same type relationship dynamics as you are now, in real time.

Keep posting, and let us al know how we can help, and interact with you.

… There is so much to learn here, and with knowledge, you may come to a better understanding of your wife, empathy, and patience is key… learn about how to "dial it back"… and create a better environment in your home, and your marriage.

Most of us are pretty beat up, long and arduous journeys, spanning many years… so you are in good company here, lots of experience here to help you…

Again, Welcome!

Kind Regards, Red5
 

[Tsunami Sailor]

Hi Red,  thanks for the welcome!  You are correct that my wife is not yet officially diagnosed, but our therapist said that my comments, plus her observations do seem to fit the definition of BPD, and asked me to read up on it to let her know what I think.

I do want to help her, but I am also inclined to protect myself and the kids.  I am sure all cases are a little different, but I am struggling to understand the general mindset of those who look at this slippery uphill climb and confidently say "hell yeah I want to do it."   Honestly, my flight sense is stronger than my fight in this.

[Red5]

Honestly, my flight sense is stronger than my fight in this.

I think we go through cycles… I remember a time in my own marriage, that I hadn't a clue one as to "why"…

I remember all the knock down drag out fights, threats of divorce, her moving out, the first separation… on an on an on…

Then one night, I "googled"… "why is my wife such a ____",

And I stepped out into the endless expanses of the internet… and I started reading… and I read and I read, and I mined YouTube endlessly… and after a while, I found my way to this website.

In my case, I had reached a point of apathy, my empathy well was about dry… I was worn out, and desperate for respite…

Now add, we are a blended family, our children are all grown and gone, save my oldest Son (S32a), who is autistic, and he is about 6-7 developmentally delayed, mildly retarded… and my wife (also undiagnosed) udx… has stage four cancer… we were both married before, over twenty years each respectively… so "one would think" yes, that we were indeed "experts" at this martial harmony thing… but sadly no.

I went through a lot of "whys"… there was bipolar, manic depressive, histrionic, ptsd, cptsd… but BPD seemed to fit everything… my uBPDw (undiagnosed borderline wife) absolutely reuses any type of therapy… so I'm stuck…

Back in November, there was a physical altercation between her and my S32a… as she had it in her thought processes that he was in the bathroom too long… she is a "controller"… end result, she hit him, and that set me off… big fight, and she moved out, and we "quit"…

We've been together for eleven years, and married for eight… we have started talking some, but its very tentative… but there is a glimmer of hope… you see, I got tired, and I got bitter, and I got a good case of distain in regards to her never ending BPD behaviors… "Gottman's four horses of the relationship apocalypse" ran me down…

My wife is fighting for her life, and I "fell of my horse"… and I failed to take care of my household, my marriage, and my wife, and my Son… and it all failed that morning quite spectacularly, as I was making coffee in the kitchen… that fast : (

There is way more to my story, and as well many many others here… if you go to your "settings", or click on the writers profile, you can read all their posts from their profile page, going all the way back to when they joined… so much to read and learn about here… 

Hang in there TS, and keep posting, we all got quite a story to tell!

Red5