I broke No Contact in an attempt to get some closure

[Depression = 72% of members]

@Gemsforeyes

Thank you for reading.  I have a lot of respect for your point of view -your posts have always struck me and sober, astute and compassionate.  I had left the board some months ago because I feared I was keeping a latent connection to my ex through posting about us. 

Beyond the dysfunction, her impulsive and destructive behavior, beyond the rage and lies she has a beautiful soul.  Meeting her caused a rift in my life and my psyche -it was a profound and life changing experience.  It took me many long months and hundreds of hours of reading for me to gain some understanding and solace.

I knew in my mind I had done the right thing in agreeing to end our relationship, but cognitive dissonance had me hung up for quite a while.  Theoretically I knew if I stayed with her things would have continued from questionable to far worse, but this knowledge was based on my intuition and vicarious learning here on BPD Family.

While I was posting here on detaching I was keeping a weather eye on Bettering as well as Family Law, Custody, Co-parenting, Divorce boards.  Our relationship was cut short due to fortuitous happenstance, but I had had every intention of creating a family with this person.  It helped me become more at ease with my decision to leave by reading how difficult life has been for some of the members here who have had longer relationships.

After a year of therapy I made the decision to have a brief final discussion with Dream Come True.  As I mentioned, my intent was to hopefully help both of us, however my greatest fear was resetting her healing clock back to day 1.  I knew from our mutual friend she was stuck and was not letting the idea of our relationship pass.  She had my sir name tattooed on her hand 4 months into no contact and I fear to this day she is still wearing my mother's engagement ring.  Unfortunately, rather than being romantic, or touching this sort of obsession and magical thinking are symptomatic of the very behaviors which made our relationship untenable.  She loved me, but that love had little functional basis in reality as I understand and percieve it.

In our discussions I never mentioned BPD -however I was able to explain to her how her actions had slowly and systematically undermined my trust. --I thought my situation, actions and the net result warranted me coming back here to share my experience in the case someone might find it useful on their own path.

I had approached literally every conversation with kindness and understanding.  When I was the most angry at her while speaking about her working with a dangerous producer I said 'We should talk about something else -I am beginning to lose my temper'.  It was interesting she asked 'You can feel you anger coming and stop it?'  This seems to be something completely unknown to her.  Apparently her anger begins like a switch being flipped.

The last words I wrote to her were meant with compassion -but the gloves came off a bit.  I felt there was something she needed to hear.  I am afraid she has never had a boyfriend stand up to her behavior in a level and metered fashion.  I know she had been yelled, threatened at knife point, had her dogs threatened and she had even been struck -but I doubt anyone had ever told her that her actions were not acceptable in a calm manner.  She has been the one to leave every relationship she has ever had.  We discussed this early on, I told her so am I -so we shall see how this works out for us.  Her approach to relationships previous to ours definitely appeared to be quite cavalier -my way or the highway...  She is pretty enough to keep most men completely cowed.

Anyway... Back to how the gloves came off...  She had attempted to perpetuate a lie and I told her 'Until you stop using sex as a tool or a weapon you will be treated like a thing instead of the beautiful human being you are'  I waited about a month for her reply and then re-blocked her to free myself from my phone and thoughts of her. 

Perhaps she will think about what I said and seek help before she hits rock bottom, perhaps what I said made her feel enough shame that she no longer wished to speak with me.  Either way hopefully this last discourse set her free -it certainly set me free.  I still miss her, but I am now completely certain and at ease with the notion --being with her was dangerous to me.


Wicker Man

[Wicker Man]

@Gemsforeyes

Thank you for reading.  I have a lot of respect for your point of view -your posts have always struck me and sober, astute and compassionate.  I had left the board some months ago because I feared I was keeping a latent connection to my ex through posting about us. 

Beyond the dysfunction, her impulsive and destructive behavior, beyond the rage and lies she has a beautiful soul.  Meeting her caused a rift in my life and my psyche -it was a profound and life changing experience.  It took me many long months and hundreds of hours of reading for me to gain some understanding and solace.

I knew in my mind I had done the right thing in agreeing to end our relationship, but cognitive dissonance had me hung up for quite a while.  Theoretically I knew if I stayed with her things would have continued from questionable to far worse, but this knowledge was based on my intuition and vicarious learning here on BPD Family.

While I was posting here on detaching I was keeping a weather eye on Bettering as well as Family Law, Custody, Co-parenting, Divorce boards.  Our relationship was cut short due to fortuitous happenstance, but I had had every intention of creating a family with this person.  It helped me become more at ease with my decision to leave by reading how difficult life has been for some of the members here who have had longer relationships.

After a year of therapy I made the decision to have a brief final discussion with Dream Come True.  As I mentioned, my intent was to hopefully help both of us, however my greatest fear was resetting her healing clock back to day 1.  I knew from our mutual friend she was stuck and was not letting the idea of our relationship pass.  She had my sir name tattooed on her hand 4 months into no contact and I fear to this day she is still wearing my mother's engagement ring.  Unfortunately, rather than being romantic, or touching this sort of obsession and magical thinking are symptomatic of the very behaviors which made our relationship untenable.  She loved me, but that love had little functional basis in reality as I understand and percieve it.

In our discussions I never mentioned BPD -however I was able to explain to her how her actions had slowly and systematically undermined my trust. --I thought my situation, actions and the net result warranted me coming back here to share my experience in the case someone might find it useful on their own path.

I had approached literally every conversation with kindness and understanding.  When I was the most angry at her while speaking about her working with a dangerous producer I said 'We should talk about something else -I am beginning to lose my temper'.  It was interesting she asked 'You can feel you anger coming and stop it?'  This seems to be something completely unknown to her.  Apparently her anger begins like a switch being flipped.

The last words I wrote to her were meant with compassion -but the gloves came off a bit.  I felt there was something she needed to hear.  I am afraid she has never had a boyfriend stand up to her behavior in a level and metered fashion.  I know she had been yelled, threatened at knife point, had her dogs threatened and she had even been struck -but I doubt anyone had ever told her that her actions were not acceptable in a calm manner.  She has been the one to leave every relationship she has ever had.  We discussed this early on, I told her so am I -so we shall see how this works out for us.  Her approach to relationships previous to ours definitely appeared to be quite cavalier -my way or the highway...  She is pretty enough to keep most men completely cowed.

Anyway... Back to how the gloves came off...  She had attempted to perpetuate a lie and I told her 'Until you stop using sex as a tool or a weapon you will be treated like a thing instead of the beautiful human being you are'  I waited about a month for her reply and then re-blocked her to free myself from my phone and thoughts of her. 

Perhaps she will think about what I said and seek help before she hits rock bottom, perhaps what I said made her feel enough shame that she no longer wished to speak with me.  Either way hopefully this last discourse set her free -it certainly set me free.  I still miss her, but I am now completely certain and at ease with the notion --being with her was dangerous to me.


Wicker Man

[once removed]

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