Processing this trauma.

[JNChell]

I’m sorry to burden you all, but things are getting really weird for me. I guess that I’m in the middle of it. My sleep is messed up, my cognition's are messed up and I dissociate when I get tired. I feel pretty bad. Mindfulness meets feeling bad. It keeps me awake. I’m looking for a push. I need to keep pushing on, but it’s  hard.

[zachira]

I am sad that you are having such a challenging time. It sounds like you may need to increase your self care. It is understandable that you have a lot of work to do to get to feeling better as you are enduring how your abusive childhood still affects you. The hardest part of getting better if oftentimes we feel much worse than we did when we were stuffing the feelings and ignoring how the abuse has affected us. What are you doing now for self care? What do you think might help?

[JNChell]

z, I do chores. I’m not good at self care. My anger is heightened. I won’t take it out on anyone, but it’s present. You know, I’ve been craving positive touch. Butterflies and chills. This is such a trip. I’m so tired of it. Thank you for reaching out.

[JNChell]

I feel like I could upend Hulk Hogan. It’s hard to sit with.

[Skip]

You sound like you may have anxiety. Anxiety is manageable with medication if used carefully. It won't solve anything, but it will calm your mind enough to help you better solve things.

I got a prescription for 100 tablets of zanex years ago.  I take a quarter tab if my mind starts racing. It his me in 15 -20 minutes. I still have 1/2 a bottle left - a quarter tab at peak anxiety only helped a lot and didn't risk any addiction.

I'm not suggesting zanex or suggesting a medication only approach. I am saying that this can help some of us calm down to a point where we can take better care of ourselves and do the work we need to do?

Have you had a meds evaluation?

[Sandb2015]

 JNChell,

Burden, we are all burdened here but not for each other.

Can you examine what is at the heart of the matter, what is causing this uprising specifically.  I know it's not easy and as I've read so many of your posts, I feel you can do it.

Look for that irregular grain of sand in a 50lb bag of white rice, it's there, keep it between your thumb and forefinger for as long as you need, see it for what it is.

There is an emotion behind what you are feeling, in shorter words, isolate it, break it down and blow it to the wind, literally and figuratively.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi JNChell,

I'm sorry you're having a really tough time processing trauma. I am being treated for c-ptsd also. It's not fun, but it's getting better.

You may have already answered this somewhere, but have you looked into emdr therapy at all? I just started it with my therapist and I can already tell a difference. It's amazing. I was experiencing extreme anxiety and the last session helped me to push through it. It may seem like a small thing to some, but it was a huge victory for me.

I have trouble sleeping too, sometimes. I try the mindfulness body scan exercise my T taught me and it usually works.

Has your T offered any suggestions for you when you experience these feelings?

Hugs 
Redeemed

[JNChell]

Feelings of hopelessness are a pretty common symptom when it comes to complex trauma. As I move forward with my healing these feelings are starting to feel very acute. Being honest about it, it’s just plain awful. I’m finding it hard to not become emotional at work. I don’t need the embarrassment of that happening, but good lord this is really becoming difficult. I understand and force myself to be aware that this is one of the main reasons why sufferers abandon their healing. They don’t see any end in sight. I have to get through this because I can’t stand carrying this stuff with me. I’m just looking for some words of encouragement. Things are feeling so weird and off right now. Thanks for reading.

[Skip]

I’m just looking for some words of encouragement. Things are feeling so weird and off right now.

Can you take this test?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0;all

[HappyChappy]

No burden WLF my good friend. I’ve felt like that, hopefully it because you're processing all this. So you're mending, might not feel that way. Get to the Dr , as all medical solutions begin with a diagnosis. If it is anxiety, there's quiet a bit available.

Some things that have helped me with anxiety:

1)   Get into your art, record some more records. If you like I’ll pen you some comedy lyrics and see if we can get some youtube hits.

I feel like I could upend Hulk Hogan.

2)   Exercises is good, personally I'd go for Catherine Zeta Jones, but whatever floats your boat mate, it will also tire you, helps with the sleep.

3)   Being around nature – you might enjoy Brokeback mountain but America is stunningly beautiful. Could you take a break from it all and visit a national park ?

4)   What about Talking Therapies ?

WLF you're clearly a tough cookie, you've weathered storms that would sweep most people away. Your strength supports many on here. My T once said, you can break anyone, and normally its the strongest that break - because they never reach out for help. Be good to yourself, buy yourself a present , go to the Dr.  As Catherine zeta Janes use to say to me. "Get out of my garden !".

Is there any reason you can't go to the Drs ?    (Manly hug)

[JNChell]

Skip, I took the test some time back and was in the moderate range for depression. I’ll take it again this evening and see what’s changed.

[JNChell]

Skip, still moderate. I scored a 42.

[JNChell]

Hi, Sandb2015. These feelings come from finally realizing that I have to process my childhood and how it has affected me. It’s affected many aspects of my life. The choices I make, the relationships that I have pursued and staying in them and how I have reacted to these things when they become difficult. My childhood is at my surface. It’s no longer stuffed inside, and it’s becoming very difficult to deal with. I’ll figure it out. Thank you for contributing to this thread.

[cesk]

When I get like this I find there is something that needs to come out. The grain of sand needs to be found. Often I can't get at it directly so have to scribble in my journal without "editing," until I get some clues (inner child dialogue works for me, figure out what age that person is and what they believe about the situation  using techniques I learned from books by Margaret Paul) though sometimes I can just keep asking myself questions until I get to the sticky issue that wants to come out.  

Just be compassionate to yourself, patient too.  It's ok to just feel poorly and be with that without expectations. Just shifting your perspective to curiosity may help.

BUT Poor sleep makes the discombobulated feeling worse , so meds to get you past that point may help you feel  on a more even keel and can sit with the feelings a bit more...  

I am looking into some adult children groups though have not visited any yet. I have liked support groups, make me feel less "crazy" b/c I can reality check with others going through similar stuff.  

Sometimes when stuck I just write write write... or sketch whatever comes out, and then the imagery helps me understand what is going on...  (I am not an artist at all. They look like kids' drawings but it does not matter, they are useful).

Stuff that happened to us a children feels bad!  Letting it out into the light of day and looking at how it has affected us and our behavior is HARD.  Be kind to yourself...

[JNChell]

I Am Redeemed , thank you for your kindness. It helps.

My T has brought EMDR therapy to the table, but she isn’t trained in it. She gave the name of someone local that is, but right now I can’t afford two therapists. Is EMDR covered by insurance yet? I originally learned about this treatment from discovering Bessel van der Kolk.

Yes, C-PTSD is a real struggle. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with it as well. I don’t wish this stuff on anyone. However, it is what it is at this point. I had a good talk with my T about RA this evening. I’m becoming ok with what happened to me and the fact that it was my parents and not me. I was only a kid trying to survive. Just like you.

My T offers good advice. Most of the time she roots it out of me and makes me figure it out, which is good. I don’t know how much she knows about deep mindfulness training. I try to keep in mind that maybe I’m not quite ready for that yet, and she is simply going at my speed. I’m taking the approach that she is the professional and I approached her for help. I don’t push. Right now, I think that she is trying to keep me mindful. There’s a lot of repetition, because of me, in our sessions. I am making progress. Thanks for reaching out.

[JNChell]

HC, I laughed my ass off while reading your post at work today on my break. Thanks, as always, for the humor. It always comes at the right time.

I believe that we could get some serious YouTube hits by combining our talents. That is if we can make it passed the PC sector. I lost it on Broke Back Mountain! Good stuff.

Exercise is something that I need to get back into. Everything is in place to do that, I just need to do it. I’ve lost roughly 40 pounds by simply changing my diet since S4’s mom and I split. I’m at a dating weight for my age, but I want to trim up a bit physically as well. 

I agree with you on being in nature. I used to escape my parents by wandering into the woods. I plan on getting S4 out in the woods this year as the weather breaks. Traveling to National Parks won’t be in the budget, but there is plenty of state land to take him to around here.

Talking therapies. I have a therapist as well as the wonderful people within this community. I’m covered there. Just feeling bad and feeling impatient with it.

Catherine Zeta Jones has expelled a very good gardener. We’re all tough cookies. That’s how we found our way here.

WLF.

[I Am Redeemed]

I believe that emdr is covered under some insurance plans for treatment of PTSD. I am lucky enough to have therapy provided by my local dv office, and my T is an intern getting her master's degree. She has gone through the training for emdr, and I agreed to do it because I tried it once in an inpatient group therapy trauma class nearly eight years ago when I was being treated for the substance abuse disorder and depression. It worked then, and it's working now.

You can google it; there are websites that can help you find a therapist trained in emdr, and your insurance company should be able to tell you if it's covered.

I think though, that even without the emdr, what helps is rooting out the negative core beliefs and replacing them with the truth. I have realized that there are negative beliefs I have about myself that all stem from the central negative core belief of "I am not good enough". Recognizing that, challenging it, has been a breakthrough for me.

It's funny how I started the therapy because of the hellish dv relationship I just got through, and now we have traced the roots back to my childhood. Those things run deep. It's completely understandable that you are in such turmoil.

If there's anything I could say to you for encouragement to push through, it would be that you matter. You have something your parents never had... the ability to love, to have compassion, caring, empathy, integrity, insight, self awareness, and determination to grow as a person.

All things considered, that's amazing.

Redeemed

[JNChell]

Thank you, cesk. When the emotions come up, I don’t even try to attach them to a certain incident anymore. I just identify them as stuffed feelings and do my best to let them out. It’s trauma, and it simply needs to go. There are things that are permanently burned into my mind, but I think I’ve spent enough time focusing on those events. Those events have been processed. It’s the residual stuff that I’m not able to attach events to. Leftovers of the experience as a whole. The sadness and simply not feeling safe as a child. I believe that that is the stuff that is coming out now. This is where RA (Radical Acceptance) really comes into play. It’s like this, there are memories that stand out. The most traumatic experiences that I had, but in a way, those experiences were isolated from the more subtle experiences. I don’t remember the more subtle experiences very well, but I’ve learned enough to know that they’re stored in my body and mind. That’s what is currently coming out. It’s non stop because it was non stop. I’ll eventually meet it where I need to. I’ll become stronger than my trauma. The scales will tip.

[JNChell]

Thank you, Redeemed.

[JNChell]

Skip, I’m on the fence about meds. I could use some relief, but I have an addictive personality. Also, a big part of me wants to get through this on my own.

When my dad died, Sis and I did an inventory of his meds. He was taking 44 pills a day. We believe he mixed up his meds because mom wasn’t around to manage that for him. Nobody knows for sure, that’s just our best guess on what happened. I don’t want to be that guy.

[Harri]

JNChell, some prescriptions for anxiety and depression are ones you take once a day and can help a great deal.  They are not addictive though getting off of them generally requires a taper but they are doable.  Lots of people take them to get through a rough period, often stopping them after a couple of years.

I can say they make a difference for me.  I take lots of meds but for other things and they keep me alive and healthy/healthier. 

If you still refuse to take meds, it is even more vital that you exercise regularly as that can make a big difference as well, not just in terms of improving your appearance.

 

[JNChell]

Harri, I started lifting again this week. I’m feeling better. I’m able to relax afterwards. Sore, but I don’t mind. I remember Mutt saying that weight lifting reduces cortisol. It was almost immediate. I think I’ll stick with it. 

[Harri]

Excellent!  A friend of mine struggled with depression but was dead set against meds for it.  She started going to the gym, nothing too extreme, and it worked for her!

I am so glad you are taking action like this!  Good for you!

[JNChell]

 

[Zabava]

JNChell I hope you are ok.  Your replies to my posts have been really helpful and kind.  Clearly you have been through very hard times  but just as clear is your resilience and intelligence and caring spirit.  

[JNChell]

Thank you, Zabava. I appreciate your kind words.