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Poll
Question: What is the total score for your answers?
76-88 /Extreme depression - 56 (5.4%)
51-75 /Severe depression - 242 (23.5%)
26-50 /Moderate depression - 383 (37.2%)
11-25 /Mild depression - 193 (18.8%)
6-10 /Unhappy (no dep) - 86 (8.4%)
0-5 /No depression - 69 (6.7%)
Total Voters: 1016

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Author Topic: SELF ASSESSMENT | Depression Self Testing: Are you depressed?  (Read 37338 times)
Skip
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« on: August 24, 2008, 06:16:17 PM »

This is a test developed at Stanford University by David Burns, MD.   Burns is best known for his book "Feeling Good" which is used in most commonly used support text for CBT programs.  It is a very simple test to take  ... . Smiling (click to insert in post)

What is your total score?  Let us know in the poll above and tell us (post) whether you feel good or are you struggling from effects of the BP relationship?

0= Not at all        1=Somewhat        2=Moderately        3=A lot        4=Extremely        

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Feeling sad or down in the dumps?
Feeling unhappy or blue?
Crying spells or tearfulness?
Feeling discouraged?
Feeling hopeless?
Low self esteem?
Feeling worthless or inadequate?
Guilt or shame?
Criticizing yourself or blaming yourself?
Difficulty making decisions?
Loss of interest in family or friends?
Loss of motivation?
Loss of interest in work or other activities?
Loss of pleasure or satisfaction in life?
Feeling tired?
Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much?
Decreased or increased appetite?
Loss of interest in sex?
Worry about your health?
Do you have any suicidal thoughts?
Would you like to end your life?
Do you have a plan for harming yourself?
« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 09:11:44 PM by Harri » Logged

 
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« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2008, 06:49:12 PM »

          Are you depressed?

700 members

How does depression distort your thinking? You will be surprised.


If you score above moderate level, there is a very precise clinical test (no-charge) located here:


Learn more about the neurobiology of depression (what is actually going on) here and the role of therapeutic drugs in healing.


Learn more about two proven self-treatment programs (alternatives to psychotherapy, but not therapeutic drugs)


Tracking form:https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/depression-test.xlsx
Tracking form developed by malibu4x (thanks!)

See list of all self-assessment surveys
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« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2008, 07:00:02 PM »

Hi Skip,

I scored a 32.  I am four months out.   Overall, I would say I'm much better than I was six or eight weeks ago.   Things are a bit complicated from a healing perspective because I work with my ex and have to collaborate and communicate at times (not a ton, usually brief).   Instead of feeling blue or anxious every day, I am now able to go for 3-5 days at a time feeling fairly well.
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« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2008, 07:24:31 PM »

 I am at 16... not too bad. I think I would have been MUCH higher a few months ago... so where is the info that tells what the results mean?

Steph
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« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2008, 07:25:37 PM »

I scored 21, but I am in a place right now where things vary from day to day and situation to situation.  If I'm really busy, it tends to be better mostly.  But T says to deal with this stuff as it comes so am trying to do that too.  I think depending on the day, my score would vary somewhat.
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« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2008, 07:53:56 PM »

ditto on what SS said.  I think some days my score is much lower depending on the events of the day.
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« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2008, 08:10:15 PM »

I scored a 10, so if I were a gymnist, I would take home the gold, right?
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« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2008, 09:19:50 PM »

19.

But this doesn't address anger, which is my biggest issue.  Separated 20 months, divorced 1 month.  I'm less angry than a few weeks ago but if I let myself I can still get pretty mad, and replay a lot of stuff.  That doesn't show up here.
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« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2008, 11:10:06 PM »

I scored a 46.  Honestly, it has nothing to do with my BPD relationship.  He's been gone nearly 8 years. I'm happy he's gone and I don't even think about him all that much anymore (thank GOD.)  I am truly at a place (and have been for awhile) where I don't care about him -- good or bad. 

The rub comes in that I have never put my life back together after the shell shock of that whole mess.  That has nothing to do with crazyx.  I'm just still stuck in some strange place of not being happy, but not really being unhappy.  I'm just here -- going through the motions of life without much engagement on my part. I keep telling myself that I'm sick of this limbo, yet I do nothing to change it.  So... .that's on ME and has nothing to do with crazyx.

Turtle

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« Reply #9 on: August 25, 2008, 12:16:43 AM »

Well, between an 18 and a 20.  (I took it earlier and got a 20, just took it again and got an 18.) 

It doesn't have much to do with my exh, more so with my current state of affairs... .   job seeking, also the difficulties of my bf this year.  He had surgery and a succession of various health problems which have taxed both of us emotionally and financially, as well as taxing him physically. 

But I do feel that I got into some of the problems with him because I didn't "learn" from my marriage.
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« Reply #10 on: August 25, 2008, 05:59:20 AM »

I scored 44.

In the beginning stages of disengaging and having child access issues. Not suicidal or anything remotely close. Most high numbers stemming from day to day activities. Sleeping, eating, motivation, lost interest in socializing and family and friends.

I know I will get out of this thanks to a strong will and my BPD family.

ozzy
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« Reply #11 on: August 25, 2008, 08:43:05 AM »

I scored a low 12,

but then again, I'm basically an optimistic person, so much of that would rarely apply to me at any time (ok, besides the eating too much and sleeping poorly). I still speak with friends and family. I still engage in activities with my children. I still make plans. I don't blame myself or feel badly about my decisions.

Of course, there are days when my uBPbf is raging, that I can get discouraged and down, but I manage to pull myself out (with the help of this place and friends) to a better frame of mind.

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« Reply #12 on: August 25, 2008, 08:47:35 AM »

i got 20... .doing pretty good these days, trying to stay optimistic... .tying to stay motivated.

Lonely, but, dealing with that... .I do have a real tendancy to wayyyyy overthink everything, have a hard time shutting my brain down.

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« Reply #13 on: August 25, 2008, 08:55:35 AM »

I scored 18.

I have to make a phone call this morning.  It is no doubt a FOO problem. Sometimes I don't let myself know how I feel?
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« Reply #14 on: August 25, 2008, 08:57:44 AM »

I got 15 which is about right.  I am very sad about my father. But my brother and I are in regular contact again and we are both very happy about that.

Patty
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« Reply #15 on: August 25, 2008, 09:40:36 AM »

23

However that would be 17 if I don't count the Work-Related questions... .

I am at the end of my contract. I am doing 5% of the work I used to do; and it's all routine now.

I am just sitting at a desk 80% of the time, waiting till someone has a question.

OFCOURSE I AM BORED AT THE JOB Smiling (click to insert in post)

As a result I stay up late (to have SOME brainfood in my life) and don't get enough sleep... .

... .or maybe I am in denial  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #16 on: August 25, 2008, 11:07:58 AM »

Scored a 4.

Life is good.
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« Reply #17 on: August 25, 2008, 11:13:09 AM »

I got an 11, which I makes me happy.  It could be so much worse, all things considered.  It's just hard for me to feel too bad about things right now.  I am still so happy that I made the decision to get out that any of the problematic stuff doesn't have much effect on my overall sense of wellbeing.
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« Reply #18 on: August 25, 2008, 11:41:31 AM »

52 Sheesh  :Smiling (click to insert in post)

At least I can put zeros on all the self-harm questions.  

I can't imagine what I would have gotten if I'd taken it this time last year, so things are headed in the right direction.

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« Reply #19 on: August 25, 2008, 01:14:54 PM »

You are still in the midst of OZ sailmonky.  Thinks can get better,
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« Reply #20 on: August 25, 2008, 01:46:07 PM »

i'm at 2!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #21 on: August 25, 2008, 02:01:57 PM »



I scored a 2!

I wish I could have taken this test two years ago!

Looking back, I would have scored so high, the authorities would probably have 

been called!

Smiling (click to insert in post)

pizaluvr   
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I could use some spinach...


« Reply #22 on: August 25, 2008, 02:16:59 PM »

Thanks LivingWell, things have been getting better for several months now.  I'm finding my way out of the FOG.

This test has helped me narrow down those things that are still an issue for me.  I think finding a different kind of work is the most pressing thing on my agenda right now.  My Myers-Briggs type specifically says I shouldn't have been working in the field I'd been in for 9 years... .   :Smiling (click to insert in post)

That should really make things better.
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« Reply #23 on: August 29, 2008, 12:51:22 AM »

50. -sigh-  Still dealing with the FOO and doing my best to be NC with momster and grandmomster.  My T thinks I'm at the point where I'm afraid of getting better and just going for it, and he's likely right.  I keep trying to find new neuroses to take the place of the old ones.  :Smiling (click to insert in post)  But I'm much better than I was a year ago and more.
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« Reply #24 on: August 29, 2008, 07:20:00 AM »

I scored a 2!

I wish I could have taken this test two years ago!

Looking back, I would have scored so high, the authorities would probably have 

been called!

Smiling (click to insert in post)

pizaluvr   

ditto for me. I scored a two, but I have been seperated for almost 19 months and divorce is final, marital home sold, etc.

If I had taken it two years ago, I would have been off the chart... .
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« Reply #25 on: August 29, 2008, 06:34:44 PM »

I took the test again to see how I am feeling this week because I think I've had a better week than the last.  I scored a 22 (improved from a 32).  I hope to see a score that keeps trending downward.  I'm tired of thinking I'm doing better only to have a spike in the misery scale come out of nowhere.  Even though that is normal, it is discouraging.

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« Reply #26 on: August 29, 2008, 11:45:17 PM »

54  Oh dear!  Better get out and have some fun.  Taking the kids to karaoke this afternoon.
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« Reply #27 on: August 30, 2008, 11:54:49 AM »




   I scored a 27.  Issues with job and lack of good healthcare benefits... .need oral surgery and should have benefits to cover it, but my benefits ... suck.   Been looking at jobs, but want to find a good fit... .I love what I do and deserve to be paid better!

   Have to refinance the house (commercial property) and need to rezone or pay higher interest rates, than have to deal with 2-3 year maturity refinancing.

   Having  a bit of difficulty making decisions... .BUT I think underneath all of this is I have a FOO issue surfacing about worth... .self worth... .and deserving to have security and stability in my life.  Guess its just another journey into getting back to being more Whole... .need to spend some time trying to re-connect with my journey in life... .want to find that happiness in life that is at the core no matter what life throws at me... .this external stuff should not be a downer, so I am search for that core stuff again... .

Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) got sort of sidetracked with the BPD 'thing'  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

coming back home to ME... .Reneeth
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« Reply #28 on: August 31, 2008, 11:42:48 PM »

Very interesting... .I scored a 2... .But I'm over 4 years out and have really rebuilt my life to better then before the evil one showed up in it... .I'm very happy and I love the way my life is going... .I also have, for the most part, a good outlook on life and have always felt that if life isn't going the way you want, It's up to you to live into the life you want... .do something about it and create the life you want... .That helped a great deal.
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« Reply #29 on: September 01, 2008, 12:22:11 PM »

I got a 20 today... .very basic test!   :Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #30 on: September 01, 2008, 12:40:51 PM »

This test appears to focus on depression.  I scored a 4, but I've always been very positive and have never been prone to depression.  Been out almost 7 months and the 6 months before that were more off than on.  BP and I didn't marry, live together, or have children.  So I'm moving on pretty well.

JD   
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« Reply #31 on: September 01, 2008, 08:06:28 PM »

got a 36- still living with and trying to work things out with her- the score probably reflects that

A month ago it would have been higher but the suicide stuff is over
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« Reply #32 on: October 17, 2008, 11:32:59 PM »

I think that I'm doing really well. I'm not depressed at all. The residue I have left over is anything to do with feelings for people. I'm just petrified that anyone will even come close to X. I know in my head that not many people even come close to being as horrible as him-- but I still haven't gotten that down in my heart. I still fear everyone will hurt me like he did. And even now... .I can't even handle the little rejections very well. They still remind me of my ex, also. Can't handle very much... .even more than 2 years out.

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« Reply #33 on: October 18, 2008, 12:34:21 AM »

I am sure Idid this before but I can not find my post.  I think I was like 11 then.  I did it again just now because I knew I would score higher this time.  I am at 26 this time.  I toldmy T last week that I a emotionally worse than I was the day I filed rghtnow.  Friends are finding out and taking sides... i feel as if I have no privacy in m house.  The loss is great. 
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« Reply #34 on: October 18, 2008, 06:11:26 AM »

I got a 35. It was interesting to me how punctuated my answers were (lots of 3s, lots of 0s) but I guess people handle depression in different ways.

More interesting to me than the test itself were my reactions to it.

My initial reaction was to be very surprised that my score was so high.

Then I thought more about it, and objectively I'm quite surprised that it wasn't higher.
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« Reply #35 on: October 18, 2008, 01:11:23 PM »

in the mid to high 30s.  I look forward to the day when that number goes down!
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« Reply #36 on: October 18, 2008, 02:15:35 PM »

I scored 20.  I'm working on getting that dealt with.

I figure God has a lot of faith in me to give me so much challenge all at once.

Peace
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« Reply #37 on: October 18, 2008, 02:24:06 PM »

I scored 25 I'm a stayer... .:Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #38 on: October 18, 2008, 04:49:42 PM »

OMG, I just took this again and scored a 10!  And I'm not even that "perky" today!  Must be getting over this!  I was quite a bit higher... .in the 20's... .when I first did this.  Wow!
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« Reply #39 on: October 18, 2008, 09:24:03 PM »

I scored a 27.  I am a bit jet lagged and have been reviewing my IRA.  Even taking that into account, I am still likely to be above 20.

I will have to try again later.
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« Reply #40 on: October 18, 2008, 10:59:46 PM »

6-12.

Two years ago, I would have been 54-58! Only Major difference in my life is that I exited OZ!

If you are still in oz and scoring in the depressed range. Seriously think about changing something.  It is NICE being happy, and not feelng guilty or worthless! 

Crystal
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« Reply #41 on: October 19, 2008, 12:32:41 AM »

Today I scored 10-11, 2years ago I would have scored 68.  What's even worse, the 68 was not just a bad day or week.  There were a few months when I literally woke up crying every morning and the really bad part was that my uNPDxh was treating me with such dishonor and disrespect you would have thought I'd be thrilled to NOT be waking up next to him.

It DOES get better but first it just gets different. 
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« Reply #42 on: October 20, 2008, 01:29:08 PM »

I scored a 29 which is not surprising.  I believe I am still in the very early recovery stages.  I am doing my best to keep my focus on what it best for me and daughter.  My partner is in a place where there is currently very little acting out.  I will not be re-engagemented. 

Peace,
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« Reply #43 on: October 21, 2008, 02:07:44 AM »

5 today, yippeee!
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« Reply #44 on: October 21, 2008, 12:27:25 PM »

Well, I scored a whopping 42 today. I knew I was under a lot of stress recently with a possible job change, a wedding coming up and difficulties with my younger D - plus turning 50 about a month ago. I don't know why the whole age thing is bothering me so much.  I think there's some real self-loathing that's been coming out of deep within me lately and I'm struggling a bit.  I think it's time to go back to the therapist for a tune-up.
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« Reply #45 on: October 21, 2008, 03:12:47 PM »

I scored a 56.  At least I'm not Extremely depressed!  (feels like it though!)

I was feeling so good for the few months after I got out, then it all came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks.  I am inspired by the number of people who said they would have scored so high just a year ago and are doing so much better now.  I strive to be like those people, to get out of the pain and suffering I am in now and instead enjoy the things I have.  Because I do have some things to be grateful for.  I just need to count my blessing and get through work each day... .one day at a time.

AG
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« Reply #46 on: October 21, 2008, 03:20:15 PM »

My score is 42. Could be because I'm pregnant and my stbxBPD is still in the house but we broke up. ( sigh) Baby will be here in 6 weeks so maybe that will perk me up.

Anxious for better days. :'(
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« Reply #47 on: October 23, 2008, 11:35:55 AM »

my score was 42. Going through difficult times right now. Not only with BPDh (he left me again last night) but with legal issues with ex. Today I haven't even made my bed... .I'm usually very organized and clean. Just want to watch tv and veg out.  :'(
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« Reply #48 on: October 23, 2008, 11:56:09 AM »

Looks like we're in the same boat dea.

I woke up this morning feeling a mess. I'm going to post about it in a few. I thought I was on the right track. I don't know what's happening. This is such a painful painful thing. It could be because I feel the baby move so much and I can't share it with him. I don't know but his illness is breaking my heart. I can't wait for my therapy appt.  I feel soo lonely right now and stuck in a catch 22 with my living arrangements. :'( :'( I wish I knew what it is about me that I value myself so lowly that I've subjected myself to this type of emotional abuse. I actually realized last night that it hasnt been only my stbx that has done this to me ( or should I say I've allowed to do to me), so did my ex husband, and every single person I have ever been involved with. Honestly, I'm 40 years old and I don't know what love is. I've never really felt it from anyone. I'll give it but it's never really been given to me. I don't want to leave this world and not experience being valued by the person who I love. I'm tired of begging for love. I'm a good person. What am I doing wrong? I don't know  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
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« Reply #49 on: October 23, 2008, 01:43:38 PM »

Honestly, I'm 40 years old and I don't know what love is. I've never really felt it from anyone. I'll give it but it's never really been given to me. I don't want to leave this world and not experience being valued by the person who I love. I'm tired of begging for love. I'm a good person. What am I doing wrong? I don't know  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

 That's a hard place to be - I'm sure.  I'm sorry you're feeling so low.  This should be a joyous time in your life. 

Why do you think that you're doing something wrong?  Maybe you're just doing what you know, what you've been taught, what you've always done.  Now you've come to a place where that doesn't work for you anymore and you just haven't figure out what you're going to do instead.  But, you will.  You will.

Peace and Metta,
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« Reply #50 on: October 29, 2008, 03:35:07 AM »

53 today.
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« Reply #51 on: October 29, 2008, 10:56:57 AM »

32 ugh!   I feel good some days, others great, sometimes horrible.  I have just embarked on a journey to really get to know myself, FOG is lifting but it still hangs around sometimes.   I have noticed the one thing that I am actively trying to change is to STOP being coodependent.  I want to change that into a real empathy for people, but be able to hold back when it is obvious they need to help themselves and take responsibility for their own actions.  I dont have fear any more, dont have obligation, but the guilt is still there at times.  So two outta 3 aint bad, as sung by Meatloaf, LOL.
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« Reply #52 on: October 29, 2008, 08:01:04 PM »

 okay i took the test and i got a 6 not bad thought it would be worse but my sadness isnt' from my BPD but from my daughter and some of the decisions she seems to make make me sad...
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« Reply #53 on: October 30, 2008, 12:57:38 PM »

Wow this is bad. I'm too embarrassed to say what I scored (but it's extreme depression). I guess that should tell me something, as I used to always be a pretty happy, upbeat person. I really hope things turn around soon.
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« Reply #54 on: October 30, 2008, 03:20:45 PM »

Hang in there Libertine.  I'm right with you at the bottom of the pit.  Are you seeing someone about this?  Antidepressants are useful and talking to a T can help a ton as well.  Keep getting support here because we all care.  I used to be a pretty upbeat person too, and my goal now is to return to that person.

AG
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« Reply #55 on: October 30, 2008, 05:19:19 PM »

Thanks AG.

I feel so bad, because Schwing and others were doing such great work with me and giving me really good advice before, but now I've fallen off the wagon completely and am seeing her again even though she's leaving in a week (hence my countdown post). It's just that I don't think anyone really understands exactly how bad a shape I was/am in. I felt like I had to see her until she moved as a means of survival. I was just falling apart so badly... .  couldn't eat, sleep, function at work. At least now I can function. I'm still pretty sad, but it's actually better. Even though I still seem to be at the bottom of the barrel.

Anyway I'm pretty sure it will be alot easier once she moves across the country for me to deal with all this. And yes I am going to find me a therapist and maybe get on some anti-depressants.

I really really appreciate having you all here. It's what's gotten me this far. 
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« Reply #56 on: October 30, 2008, 05:29:00 PM »

I tried to answer as honestly as possible and im quite shocked that my score came out as 70+ , severe depression.

I have got quite a bit to cope with, single mum, two hormonal teenage lads at home, 2 diagnosed high functioning autistic, a bitter ex-husband who gives little support etc but on the whole i usually try to put a smile on my face and get on with life.

Just lately though the true extent of the damage my uBPD/NPD mum has had on my life and the damage caused to my whole family has been playing on my mind and the lack of support and understanding from my siblings has really been getting me down.

Ive been in denial for most of my 44 years and have always blamed myself for not getting on with my family. I was the child who was painted black and although mum has disowned all of us [4 girls] and is also NC the emotional abuse continues from two of my sisters. I suspect they are also uBPD.

Ive tried so hard to make things right but recently have realised this stuff is not my fault and that i cannot fix it. This has been a relief but im so sad that my family will never be ok, my sons have never had a normal Grandma, or a good relationship with their dad or their aunts.

I feel very alone, and it is this which causes the most sadness  :'(

I have made some good friends who are there when I need help and support and this has made a big difference to my life. I am coming to terms with the realisation that I am not to blame and so am slowly feeling better about life in general, but, it is one hell of a struggle.

I have seen a counsellor a few years ago after a disastous relationship with a guy i suspect of being uNPD, time to go back and work through this family stuff i think. I want to finally get rid of this "Black dog" [as Winston churchill used to call it] that follows me around and makes me feel so sad.
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« Reply #57 on: October 30, 2008, 05:44:49 PM »

Hi Briana 

You have a ton on your plate, and it is not surprising that your score is a little bit high.  But you are doing something about it and that is the main thing.  You are not (and never were) to blame for the things that happened in your family.  So keep going and doing the things you are doing, you won't look back from this point.

 

Patty    xoxo




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« Reply #58 on: October 30, 2008, 06:10:05 PM »

Thanks Patty,

Hearing those words "you are not to blame" is very healing and i thank you  xoxo

Reading how similar my story is to so many others on the boards has been a huge help, for so long I have thought i was alone. Its so validating to find a community where others have been there and understand although I am genuinely shocked to see how many peoples lives have been and continue to be devastated by BPD and PDs in general.

Hugs to everyone dealing with the fallout from BPD, stay strong and remember you are not alone  

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« Reply #59 on: October 30, 2008, 06:35:40 PM »

Hi Briana

You are welcome.  It is strange to think that we grew up in similar households and went through such similar experiences, but until we got here, we did not know of each other's existance.  At least we now know about BPD and that is definitely a good thing.  There are many people out there who have never heard of it and are living very difficult lives, blaming themselves on a daily basis for the behavior of their family member, partner etc.  At least we have discovered that the disorder exists and we are now in a position to learn about it, heal from our own experiences and support each other through it.   

I am sure if you take that test in a few months time, Briana, you will see a different rating.

Patty  xoxo
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« Reply #60 on: October 31, 2008, 01:25:56 AM »

Took the test for the first time... I got a 31... that is kinda high ... at least I think so ... so I decided I am gonna take the test every week or every couple of weeks... .I know a year ago I was in a severe funk so thsi is much better but still I would like to see improvement... I want to see my score go down...
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« Reply #61 on: October 31, 2008, 07:14:35 AM »

Took the test for the first time... I got a 31... that is kinda high ... at least I think so ... so I decided I am gonna take the test every week or every couple of weeks... .I know a year ago I was in a severe funk so thsi is much better but still I would like to see improvement... I want to see my score go down...

Its a good test for benchmarking... .you can keep your old scores here to compare.
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« Reply #62 on: October 31, 2008, 08:07:14 AM »

Shut

65

The antidepressants are not working
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« Reply #63 on: October 31, 2008, 10:57:11 AM »

Let's start a new thread with this test so we can continually monitor our progress.
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« Reply #64 on: October 31, 2008, 11:06:25 AM »

Staff only

We will let this thread continue (unlimited) to keep the poll and benchmarking in tact.
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« Reply #65 on: October 31, 2008, 11:15:29 AM »

i scored a 4!

even when things aren't going so well, i have the ability to enjoy life and remain engaged. don't get me wrong, i do partake in a pity party now and then, but not for long. i usually get right back up and dust myself off. there's too many laughs and fun to be had.
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« Reply #66 on: October 31, 2008, 01:10:00 PM »

Today, I am a 16.   8)  I don't think that's bad considering how far I've come. 

I know there are days when I would have scored much higher since today is a good day for me.  The blessing is that I have more good days than bad and, bit by bit, there is a longer span between the bad days.  Unfortunately, the bad days are usually pretty bad where I can't stop the inner dialogue from replaying every single flaw I have, every single mistake I have ever made, every real or perceived inadequacy that I have or have ever had.  That's when I want to hide from the world and snap at anyone who tries to get too close.  I feel like a formerly abused dog who occasionally still growls when cornered. 

But, I continue to do the things that I know will help me recover.  I'm seeing my therapist every other week, getting regular exercise and adequate rest, rekindling some of my old interests, and doing my best to seek out opportunities to socialize. 
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« Reply #67 on: October 31, 2008, 08:46:27 PM »

wow! this week I am a five  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I think the power of time is helping along with an increase in my Celexa dose.  I feel so much better in the last two weeks that I am actually looking forward to the future, no longer feeling lonesome and really enjoying my space, freedom, and independence.  I am so thankful to be finally feeling better.
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« Reply #68 on: October 31, 2008, 09:15:45 PM »

My score is pretty high, I don't know if I rounded up, or if others aren't being completely honest, or maybe my "extremely" and "a lot" meter is on a different scale. Also, some of the questions are redundant.

It's weird though, because although I scored high, I bounce around a lot. Some days I'll be in a good mood, inexplicably, other days, a bad mood, just as inexplicably, with no change in my circumstances. When it's a good mood I obviously just go with it. When it's a bad mood, I try to rise above.

Anger definitely still persists over the BPDx, though, and thoughts/memories can trigger a bad mood. I'm trying to move ahead, look at the positives, stay focused on the future, etc., but I'm still mired down in cleaning up the mess he left behind, so, although I'm out and grateful in many respects, I'm still resentful at the hole I'm having to dig myself out of, and the (negative) changes in my life circumstances that I would not be in, would it not be for my BPDx.

Working on it though! Five months out. Lotta cleanup.
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« Reply #69 on: November 01, 2008, 01:56:49 AM »

Well, my score is high and I knew it would be because I'm angry with myself about not keeping a promise I made--that, if my H interfered with my enjoyment of granddaughter, I would take him up on his offer to leave. It was worse right after her birth or maybe I'm used to it now 20 mos. later. Another baby on the way in April. Dread more drama and remembering my promise to myself, but need his help.

At least my test was zeroes for the last section about self-harm. Maybe I should increase anti-depressant, but I'm afraid I'll gain weight. Thought about resuming therapy, but I have the answers already: leave (implied), but I'm supposed to tell you to stay after 30 yrs.

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« Reply #70 on: November 01, 2008, 07:29:12 AM »

Hi everyone! I scored 6!  8) And I really feel like that!
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« Reply #71 on: November 01, 2008, 11:44:42 AM »

Wow... I last took this poll two months ago, late August, before the flood.

This is what I wrote back then:

Excerpt
Well, between an 18 and a 20.  (I took it earlier and got a 20, just took it again and got an 18.)

It doesn't have much to do with my exh, more so with my current state of affairs... .   job seeking, also the difficulties of my bf this year.  He had surgery and a succession of various health problems which have taxed both of us emotionally and financially, as well as taxing him physically.

But I do feel that I got into some of the problems with him because I didn't "learn" from my marriage.

I'm now up to a 30.  Still overwhelmed, still have trouble with the job-hunting thing.
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« Reply #72 on: November 01, 2008, 01:38:46 PM »

6! I am happy to know that is possible and good news always cheers me up, thanks. I look for things to be glad for.

Joanna, decisions about the job have to work out for you because how could they not? You are strong and smart! Someone told me that it is hard for a couple when there is a traumatic event due to each other's presence reminding the other of what they have been through. The flood is literally off the front page of the newspaper and you've been through lot. I hope you are getting the support you need at home right now. Maybe seeing lots of options will help.

AB

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« Reply #73 on: November 01, 2008, 01:42:32 PM »

a 30 but mostly I feel good about the score since I do not and never had any suicidal thoughts.  Mostly it is the FOG - guilt mostly - since leaving 4 months ago with my 2 girls.  The BPD wife still makes me feel bad though, even from afar.  She really knows how to pull those strings.   She was a great Puppeteer.
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« Reply #74 on: November 01, 2008, 02:50:30 PM »



Great for cutting puppeteer strings. They can be found at Wal-Mart.
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« Reply #75 on: November 02, 2008, 12:14:50 AM »



Great for cutting puppeteer strings. They can be found at Wal-Mart.

Yes, and they would be a GREAT addition to the bpdfamily.com Gift shop.  It's been a while since the gift shop has been open fro viewing.
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« Reply #76 on: November 04, 2008, 11:02:47 AM »

I scored a 50 today.  Having a really rough time with my situation right now.  BTW  I created a Spreadsht for tracking results if anyone wants it - let me know.

Peace & Metta
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« Reply #77 on: November 04, 2008, 08:30:02 PM »

I am at 40 today  hope it gets better
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« Reply #78 on: November 05, 2008, 02:02:27 AM »

woo hoo I am down to a 4 now
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« Reply #79 on: November 05, 2008, 08:12:53 AM »

Down to a 31!   The new medication and therapy seems to be working well.  Also applying myself 100% at work seems to be helpful.  I like making progress!  Let's hope I can keep bringing it down.

AG
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« Reply #80 on: November 05, 2008, 09:47:40 AM »

Down to a 31!   The new medication and therapy seems to be working well.  Also applying myself 100% at work seems to be helpful.  I like making progress!  Let's hope I can keep bringing it down.

AG

*cheer*

That's awesome AG! I'm so happy for you  Smiling (click to insert in post)

You're so going to be fine.

P.S. I'm not even bothering to take it right now, it would be pointless. I'm in limbo right now.
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« Reply #81 on: November 05, 2008, 12:27:31 PM »

Today - 6.  Feeling pretty darn good.  For the most part, the BPD is out of my brain (except for the inevitable pop-ins; but little emotionality involved) - I think for me it's kind of like a home project.  You get all of the big stuff done and the small left-overs just kind of hang on.  Plus being in a happy relationship puts less emphasis on 'bettering' myself.  I need to get back on the ball! 
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« Reply #82 on: November 09, 2008, 12:10:15 AM »

Analog guy... You really sound soo much better! That is terrific!... and CHilI... .The good news is that  you are  one AWESOME girl... don't ever  forget that.We are all here for you the way you have been here for us... .I took my test for the second time... I guess it has been a  few weeks  since i took it last... I am thrilled to be at a score of 20... Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #83 on: November 09, 2008, 12:14:45 AM »

I'd been feeling kinda down lately so took it again just to see.  Not too bad... .a 15.   A little up from last time but I think it's the impending Holidays which will look very different this year and not all settled yet. 
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« Reply #84 on: November 09, 2008, 07:08:58 AM »

Hi Skip - I think it's an interesting test - if it could be combined with a timeline, it would be even more interesting.  Occasional, nondebilitating sadness is where I am at now.  I am not depressed - and it does not interfere too much any longer with the forward motion of my life.  I would love to see the "average" recovery time.  Of course, that data depends on so many variables - length of relationship, degree of BPD (some seems much more intense than others), and the emotional health of the non to begin with.  I hope everyone gets down below 10 ASAP!  Carol
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« Reply #85 on: November 09, 2008, 03:20:23 PM »

6 today. Maybe even lower than 6. And just about every day is getting like this now  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I love real life.
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« Reply #86 on: November 09, 2008, 03:36:01 PM »

I'd like to see an average too.  I know I'm much better than I was before he left but I know that his seemingly unending messing with my life/finances until the divorce is final is not helping steady forward progress.  I'm sure that the length of time it takes a person to completely free themselves of the BP has an effect too.
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« Reply #87 on: November 09, 2008, 06:02:31 PM »

Hi

took the test for the first time and scored 25... I think its much much MUCH lower then I would have scored 2 months ago, 4 or 6 months ago. My live is much MUCH better now then before. I sleep normal hours again, I have an active social live again, I very often feel the old energetic and lively me again and I have happy days. I have more energy and I worry less about my health (I was obsessed with my health).

I did just move abroad and started a new job (that makes me somewhat insecure) and I am really really missing companionship/intimacy/belonging but I am scared of dating. Moreover my dad is alone, 73 years old, suffering from depression and was diagnosed parkinson last year. I still get an email from the UBPDex every Friday, that I don't read, but I see the subject and the last one was; I am going to Egypt for a while. Somehow it made me sad.

The therapy of the last few months opened my eyes in some areas, the experience and this board in others. I feel I am not done working on 'it' (me) not by a long shot, and this sometimes makes me down. I have many 'down' moments, but at least, nowadays I 1) recognize them, 2) acknowledge them and 3) do not escape them by 'seeking trouble/stress/work/party/loud music/alcohol/sex or any other quick fix I used to seek. Or at least, that s what I am trying (not) to do!

So overall, I am doing better!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

M interested to see if I score lower next month!
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« Reply #88 on: November 11, 2008, 06:52:33 PM »

Whoa! 54. I knew I took a down turn but, whoa. No self harm, just lots of frustrations and sadness. Divorce is delayed well into next year as x is not cooperating. My assistant at work was downsized so i am doing two persons' jobs indefinitely. D's are having a rough time with x and I am feeling their pain with them- this is a big one right now. House concerns as the money continues to go to divorce process. Nothing emotionally intertwined with x, I've been over her. Angry at her. Angry about how Ds will pay the price for how the legal process protects ill mothers over healthy fathers. Smoking again and that bothers me. General divorce limbo crap that should have been wrapped up right now, but is not. I was doing much better not that long ago.

Arrrgh.

sdddaa
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« Reply #89 on: December 14, 2008, 11:19:47 PM »

Ok... This is my third time taking the test... drum roll... .A 6! For anybody that is reading... If I can do it... anybody can... I just knew that I could not stay in that hole... evry day was a struggle... It takes a LOT of work... I want to get an even lower score.Things that helped me-not being stubborn,listening to people on here,prayer,doing thingsi  did not want to do,exercise... .every day... and most of all... laughing... a lot.
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« Reply #90 on: December 14, 2008, 11:27:13 PM »

Hmm... .22 today... .back to where I was to start with, one point above in fact.  Well, I knew the season was getting to me along with worrying about finances and waiting on the house to sell.  Hope 2009 brings better... .it's got to eventually.  At least that's the year the D will be final! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #91 on: December 15, 2008, 03:57:32 AM »

4 when I am not around uBPDm

34 a week before and a week after I have to see her.

Mostly spikes in the third and fourth row of questions.

I lose the appetite, can't sleep, can't make decisions, feel helpless... .

Thankgoodness I only see her 4 times a year, I used to see her once a week. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #92 on: December 15, 2008, 11:55:08 AM »

39, but the only times i selected 3 or 4 were on questions 4-10; however, i only scored a 1 regarding hoplessness. despite how i feel about myself, i know things are going to get better and sometimes i even get excited thinking about future possiblilities.
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« Reply #93 on: December 15, 2008, 03:31:42 PM »

66. Not surprising, I guess. It's the six month anniversary of finding out she'd been seeing someone else. Ah, well.
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gettinthere
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« Reply #94 on: December 15, 2008, 08:45:09 PM »



  Hello everyone this forum got blocked at work and I had no computer at home. So it's been almost a year since I've been here Still only have dial up, no high speed available just outside the nations capital.

  I thought about how I would have answered the questions when I first started walking down the yellow brick road. I always considered myself pretty happy and upbeat, but, would have been in the sixties then.

  Almost three years out and I'm a solid 4. Money and sleep.

  Life is good

   
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« Reply #95 on: December 15, 2008, 10:00:06 PM »

Wow, I only got about a ten... .I'm surprised.  I'm four months out but have had a couple of good days.  Yay me!

Best regards,

Scott
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« Reply #96 on: December 15, 2008, 10:42:13 PM »

19, so I guess that puts me at mildly depressed.  I am having NC right now and when I think about seeing him I start crying.  I can honestly say that if I was given the choice I wouldn't want to be with him long term... .but I still get all teary eyed when I think about seeing him.  I have had to give up dancing with my dance troupe to avoid seeing him.  I still see my other dance freinds outside of dance functions.  He is not part of my group as he always saw himself as better then them.  (He trained abroad). 
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« Reply #97 on: January 01, 2009, 11:26:58 AM »

I last took this test on Halloween 2008 and was shocked by a 70+ score.

Since then ive seen a new doc at my surgery who recommended i started a new course of ADs [fluoxetine] and has made an appt for me to see a psychoanalyst. He suggested that this AD was better suited to me than my last [citalopram, stopped in Jan 08] and so far so good, yay!

Ive just taken the test again and scored 28, which is still a little too high for my liking but one heck of an improvement  Being cool (click to insert in post)

I had a nice quiet christmas with my boys and just a quick 2 hr visit with my sis and their families which was perfect, ive learnt so much in the past year about my family and feel better about myself than i have in a long time.

Heres wishing the best for everyone in 2009  2

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« Reply #98 on: January 01, 2009, 03:28:50 PM »

I'm presently involved in a 7+ year relationship with my DBPDSO and I scored an 8 today. Feeling pretty good lately though i guess I still qualify as mildly depressed!

Peacebaby
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SeekingSerenity
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« Reply #99 on: January 01, 2009, 05:43:49 PM »

I got 11, all things considered I am ok with that.
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« Reply #100 on: January 01, 2009, 10:55:14 PM »

I'm an 11 right now, too. Considering that my New Years did not go well, that's ok, I guess.

 <-- *Self-hug*
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« Reply #101 on: January 02, 2009, 09:54:32 AM »

Well, I scored a whopping 42 today. I knew I was under a lot of stress recently with a possible job change, a wedding coming up and difficulties with my younger D - plus turning 50 about a month ago. I don't know why the whole age thing is bothering me so much.  I think there's some real self-loathing that's been coming out of deep within me lately and I'm struggling a bit.  I think it's time to go back to the therapist for a tune-up.

Wow, what a difference time and therapy makes.  I scored a 7 today.  D got married and is doing well.  I'm about to make a positive job change today (thus the anxiety, my two week notice is sitting in the drawer next to me) and I started back with my therapist to work on some FOO stuff and a good bunch of the nasty, icky stuff has come out (along with the deep seated anxiety, fear and panic). I'm hoping with more time and patience to improve my score even further.
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« Reply #102 on: January 03, 2009, 05:32:44 AM »

What a wake up call, thought I was coping okay considering everything that's happening right now but this tells me otherwise. I'm sitting on 52 and that tells me I have a long road ahead. Thank you to all those who have shown it is possible to lower our scores down the road.

I'm going to make an appointment for some therapy and I'll see if that helps - plus of course I'll stay on these boards and read everything I can find.
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« Reply #103 on: January 03, 2009, 07:31:44 PM »

Time heals but knowledge has helped to speed that up.I scored a 5 but i also tried to remember awhile back and the frame of mind I was in(just reading those old posts gives me the shivers!)

I remember the first day I moved into my crappy little dirty place and away from kids=I cried and just felt terrible I felt lost betreayed and hopeless and the hurt felt like it would never subside.

Now life is good i nolonger have insomnia or anxiety,heartburn,aches and pains and the never ending sense of "the shoe dropping"I still have a ways to go as financialy she always completly ruined me.It didn't even faze me when tonight she asked why I took all the good dvds as she is getting"dolled up" for some company(who I have named both next and that poor turd)

I will be in a new house soon enough my work is flourishing and I am even closer to my kids.
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« Reply #104 on: January 04, 2009, 08:07:32 AM »

well my score is a 42 well not really moving forward in all ascepts but out of the crap so my score is 100 just for going through the divorce the rest wil just have to come with time and healing
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« Reply #105 on: January 04, 2009, 03:26:31 PM »

I am on 12 now and m pretty happy about that, considering the 25 I had back in October  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Recovery has been slow but gradual and I m starting to feel really positive again. I m working on myself, my insecurities, practicing boundaries, knowing what I want and dont want. All in all it feels good to do so. Being abroad helped distancing myself from the ex too. The thing that is my biggest worry at the moment is my dads illness, it is sad to see him deteriorate. That's what s keeping me down a bit. But m trying to find new ways to cope with that too.
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I could use some spinach...


« Reply #106 on: January 05, 2009, 05:34:23 PM »

Ok, I'll admit I've been drinking Kroger's "xtreme" version of Diet Mt Dew all day, but I just scored 14 on the test, and if anything I was biasing my answers on the high side!

Perhaps it's the fact that I've been sober 29 of the past 31 days... .   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #107 on: January 05, 2009, 07:53:51 PM »

12

Not bad for having 2 break ups in one year, with the loss of my Labrador in between, a pay cut, and acting as the clearing house for NPD/BPD/OCD central with my family over the holidays.  I'll take that score.

I should note that on some days, I could probably score closer to 20, while others more like 6 or 7.  Probably a good reflection of the human condition.
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« Reply #108 on: January 05, 2009, 08:44:43 PM »

Scored 21. Not bad considering I am still in Oz. 
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flamingo13
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« Reply #109 on: January 05, 2009, 09:08:50 PM »

48... .The score was around what was expected and on par with what I feel overall. Only part of it is from the mirage, the rest is mostly FOO related with a minute influence from Dorothy's 'romantic' blunder.

Still moving forward, even if inch by inch, though!  Being cool (click to insert in post)


BTW: In medical school, I was scoring 0~6 on a similar questionaire. This was during the mirage. I am beginning to understand the dynamics of why, which lead me to concerted efforts in identifying & working on my own issues. Having blissful NC with xW, FOO, and D's blunder is key for me. Improvements are being made, thanks to my T, the children, and the great folks at bpdfamily.com.
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« Reply #110 on: January 07, 2009, 12:54:25 PM »

I scored 35 and stopped doing the test!

Voted in the up to 50 score - I'm not suicidal (and never have been) so things can't be that bad.

Actually feel better knowing that I am depressed.
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« Reply #111 on: January 10, 2009, 06:52:19 PM »

   

   Down to 13 from 27,  having a few bumps in the road but nothing major,  even the things that stress me out do so to a much less degree.  I guess the major difference is feeling more optimistic, after dealing with BPD nothing seems insurmountable, and my responses to situations seem so mild.

    Maybe its PDQ's positive attitude thing for today... .reneeth
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macman
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« Reply #112 on: January 12, 2009, 10:49:30 AM »

I came in at 27, which is better then recently and a lot better then a few years back.  Part of it is acceptance but part of it also feeling numb.
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« Reply #113 on: January 14, 2009, 03:32:18 PM »

SCORE O

now how does that sound? If anyone remembers me and the destruction me and my son went through with that mental case abuser wife... .EVERYONE, move on... .they are NOT WORTH THE LOVE THAT WE POSESS... and educate your children about their parent's BPD... .

best

cblack
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Samuell
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« Reply #114 on: January 14, 2009, 04:09:58 PM »

SCORE O

now how does that sound? If anyone remembers me and the destruction me and my son went through with that mental case abuser wife... .EVERYONE, move on... .they are NOT WORTH THE LOVE THAT WE POSESS... and educate your children about their parent's BPD... .

best

cblack

Wow well done, pleased for you  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #115 on: January 15, 2009, 02:57:39 PM »

33 or so for me.  I'm in a bit of a dip right now.  The dips are shorter and shallower than they used to be though.

On my best days I'm maybe in the single digits.  Maybe.  Still too much self-esteem things going on.  So harsh a self-judgement, etc.

HB
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« Reply #116 on: January 15, 2009, 03:34:45 PM »

38 for me. I think this whole relationship effected every aspect of my life, from money, to familial relationships. I had some issues before that I am still addressing in T, but I really think that this relationship brought them all to a head, which might not be a bad thing.

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« Reply #117 on: January 16, 2009, 06:24:27 PM »

gingie, how you doin' girl?

I completely agree.  I think it's called hitting rock bottom, and in AA they say "When the  lies don't work anymore" (I think the ones to yourself).  I had been in denial for so long - maybe not completely, but everything was just under the radar, flashing every now and then.  But with the BPD, BAM!  There they were in all of their glory!  I'm forever thankful. 

Foiles
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Finding_Myself_again
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« Reply #118 on: January 20, 2009, 09:56:01 AM »

Amazed about my score but I managed to get 60, but in the middle of disengaging from my friend which goes well one day and then I mess it up again when he comes all friendly to my desk.

Working together surely doesn't help.  I really try but somehow each time I fail myself.

My friend is going home for 3 weeks in March so maybe having NC during 3 weeks will give me enough courage.

The only things I scored 0 were on the suicide part.  I love life, and I know there is more to live then what I'm living now.  This board and reading about BPD has tough me so much about him but also about me.  The reason I feel the way I feel at the moment is more due to what I allowed him to do in my life then to him.  I have to give myself time and start loving myself instead of always think about somebody else first.

I will get there, just need some more time.

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« Reply #119 on: January 23, 2009, 06:36:08 PM »

i scored a 20 ... like everyone else had i still been in the relationship i would've scored much higher ... .work is always easy i probably feel best there.(weekends are more difficult)      socializing . i have been trying to branch out a bit , widen my circle. it was very difficult at first but after that first scarey step i feel much better. baby steps for me... .NC helps an aweful lot
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belleliseuse
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« Reply #120 on: January 29, 2009, 02:32:44 PM »

My psychiatrist had me fill this out about a year ago. I scored 74.

Took it just now and scored 0. Hallelujah!
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Manon46
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« Reply #121 on: January 31, 2009, 12:26:57 PM »

61

lot of work to do on myself :'(
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ICanDoIt
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« Reply #122 on: February 12, 2009, 12:35:59 PM »

I scored a 43. Sometimes I feel so hopeful and uplifted. Things are getting better. But sometimes I'm really struggling, especially when the ex contacts me. While typing this he texted this, "CALL ME! I NOW BEEN KICKED OUT OF THE PROGRAM AND OWE 100 DOLLARS. AND TARINA CBACK.", and ":)o u want to say goodbye to the dogs?" And he's now called my cell twice. I did not pick up. The program is the counseling program he supposedly had an appointment at this morning and needed MY truck for, but didn't tell me about it until last night. Tarina is the woman from the dog rescue he called to take our dogs since he can't deal with them and I'm only allowed one small dog in my new place. See https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89413.0 for details on this little drama. I hope the dogs will have a good new home. I will miss them!

This is so exhausting at times.

ICDI

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timeforboundaries
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« Reply #123 on: February 12, 2009, 02:01:43 PM »

A 57 for me -- Have stuffed my feelings for so long that I am overwhelmed with them now.  They are not remaining stuffed anymore -- how dare they Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

The stress in my life comes from lots of areas -- In 5 years time, I have lived in 3 houses, held 5 different jobs (all in same field -- education), put together 2 weddings for 2 of my daughters (I did it all -- sewed the dresses, made the bouquets, acted as wedding planner, etc), had 2 grandchildren, lost a family member, oh, yeah and am dealing with a uBPD daughter (age 30) and I have reached my limit of carrying her baggage around with me.  We are now NC.

I have developed some pretty severe stress-related health issues that resulted in having to take time off of work to get better.  Right now, I am hiding.  I stay home all day, don't talk to anyone, don't go out, don't want to go out, don't want to talk to anyone.   I really just wanted the world to stop and let me off for awhile.
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Samuell
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« Reply #124 on: February 26, 2009, 10:14:42 AM »

I'm at a 3 today. When I first did this test I scored 20. My how things (and people) change!
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Maggiore
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« Reply #125 on: February 26, 2009, 11:58:52 AM »

Hey! From a 65 Severe depression on the 31st October to a mere 4 today!

Thank you!
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« Reply #126 on: March 05, 2009, 10:30:15 PM »



I scored a 22 today.  I didn't take the test last week and I think I would have scored higher if I did.  I'll call it progress, anyway.  I am taking steps to make new friends and initiate activities in my life which, is real good considering when I was with my exBPDw I didn't want to do much of anything and I didn't want to invite friends over to our house as I was afraid I would lose them due to what she might have said or done.

Now, I have connected with some musicians in this town and a new friend who plays bass, is coming over next weekend for our first get together.  As I sold my guitar to move out here to be in the asylum, he's letting me use his Strat. (A kind of guitar made by Fender for those who may not know) Very cool.  Other musicians are expressing interest too.  This is a big deal for me as I haven't played music just for the love of it, in a band, for years.

We're going to start a blues band.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  A good one!

I ramble when I'm a bit out of sorts emotionally which, in all honesty, I am.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Way better this week though.

Peace, Up From Here
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« Reply #127 on: April 29, 2009, 03:32:07 PM »

24-WOO HOO!  And without Lexapro! 
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« Reply #128 on: May 01, 2009, 11:29:10 PM »

Woohoo!  I scored a 40!

I know it sounds bad, but the last time I took a test for depression like this one (when my uBPDmom was living with me), the score told me to "seek help immediately."  This is a definite improvement. 

Yeah for me!   Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #129 on: May 02, 2009, 12:27:20 AM »

Well, it's no big surprise to me that I scored above 76... .a mouse could have figured that out by spending two minutes with me.  But, this is why I went back every time and why I am determined to push through this to get out once and for all.  My score can only go down from here!

Finding this site has been instrumental in my turning the corner.  I was always processing that which was could not be processed.  It's like chopping Jello before it hardens.  Why would anyone do that?  I did that for the entire time I was with stbxdBPDh and still do it once in a while. 

Thanks to all that is good in life,

Mellie
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« Reply #130 on: May 02, 2009, 01:05:54 AM »



Hang in there Mellie.

The longer NC, the better it can be.

(unintentional rhyming)

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« Reply #131 on: May 02, 2009, 01:17:53 AM »

Hi, Up From Here:

I should borrow your handle based on my score!  That is how I'm feeling despite it all - can only go up (or down in the test score).   Smiling (click to insert in post)

You are right... .and, I will am doing it this time.  Thank goodness.

 and  xoxo,

Mellie
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washto
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« Reply #132 on: May 03, 2009, 07:44:57 AM »

Retook this test, now that I've been separated 3 months.

Last September I was 36.  Today I'm 14.  Clearly a big improvement.  Take note all thee who are on the fence!

I had a rough day yesterday, and am still processing it.  I suspect in a few days, even the 14 score will improve.
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« Reply #133 on: May 07, 2009, 12:01:05 PM »

I took it from what I remember 3 years ago when I was just learning about BPD and had not yet started to see a T, and again for how I feel today, even though I am still in a marriage to a BPD, but on my way out.

Based on 3 years ago I got 69 :'(. And almost all the "negativity came from mostly my marriage, I liked teh rest of life  I was starting to have suicidal thoughts which was VERY unlike my normal self. MAde it hadt to do with beign told I was "a worthless piece of sht" daily... .sometimes in those words, and sometimes just a little more vaguely.

From where I sit today, I got a 25, not bad considering that I am still married and living in the same house for the time being. My T has had me working on disengaging, and I think it is working  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I will need to come back in a few months and see how things are. I know the single biggest hurdle that I have right now is my fear of confrontation when I leave and how to do things so it will impact my kids (teens) the least possible.

Take Care,

DKC
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bkay
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« Reply #134 on: May 07, 2009, 08:32:47 PM »

I just scored a 51, about 6 weeks no contact.  I think in January, I would have been on the extreme high side.  So while it's high, I know it will get better.  I just know it! 
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« Reply #135 on: May 07, 2009, 08:54:38 PM »

25 here.  I think I'm better than I would have been even a month ago.

Suspect things will continue to get better.
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« Reply #136 on: May 07, 2009, 09:46:33 PM »



Well... .

The last time I took the test, I believe I scored a 22.  Today I scored a 28.


Hmmm.

I'm about four and a half months N/C and finally have the money to pay for the final stage of the divorce as well as having quite a bit of drama from her to contend with in these past months.  It's been pretty quiet over the past month and a half as I've been "replaced" now so that's cool.  As long as it's quiet.

How long is this supposed to take anyway?  Can I be done now?

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .Just kidding.

I know it takes as long as it takes.

Okay how 'bout now?



Peace, UFH
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LivingWell
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« Reply #137 on: May 08, 2009, 06:08:55 AM »

I'm down to 10.  Last August I was 18.  Since last August I started on anti-depressants.  Wonder if I should stop the anti-depressants? 
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elphaba
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« Reply #138 on: May 08, 2009, 01:20:09 PM »

last time I did this was late last summer... .score was 20

Did it again today, just out of curiosity and got a 6.

it does get better folks! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #139 on: May 08, 2009, 02:55:15 PM »

Almost three years out - scored a 26. 

My 19 year old son has been living with ex so I don't have much contact anymore.  When we do it's usually negative.  Him and I had a major blowout last week.  He's out of control and off the rails.  No drugs or anything like that - major anger issues, especially toward me.  Pretty depressing stuff.  It'll improve, but I think it'll be a long time before I see my son again.  Makes me very sad.
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« Reply #140 on: May 08, 2009, 04:36:00 PM »

And what about bitterness? That seems to be one of the strongest emotions that I am experiencing. However the survey is a good wake-up call. I have been reordering my life so I can afford to resume therapy. Looks like it is a good idea as I scored a 48. Do I win a prize?

I am about 3.5 months out. My little girl's birthday is a week away - I miss her.
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« Reply #141 on: June 30, 2009, 04:11:37 PM »

I hadn't taken this test in a while and just wanted to see where I was compared to the last time.  I was a 10 today, considered unhappy but not depressed, was a 16 the last time which is mildly depressed.  I don't consider myself unhappy right now, not compared to how I felt before, but I guess it is all relative.   Being cool (click to insert in post)  In addition to this improvement, I have noticed my moods are much more stable now.  I used to go up and down a lot more, but am thankfully having a lot less of that.  It's a slow and steady road, and very much worth it.   
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« Reply #142 on: June 30, 2009, 04:31:01 PM »

67.  I asked for some support on L6.  So far, none.
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« Reply #143 on: June 30, 2009, 07:29:19 PM »

Wow... .all of this job and money stuff has taken a toll on me... .I scored in the 30's this time... .last year 18-20.  I last took this test a month before our big flood. 
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« Reply #144 on: June 30, 2009, 08:07:29 PM »

28 - the lowest in a long time.
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« Reply #145 on: June 30, 2009, 08:10:41 PM »

I scored a 40 a month or so ago.  I retook the test and scored a 12.  Wow.  That's pretty darn good.  I have to echo Elphaba... .it gets better.  Absolutely.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #146 on: July 06, 2009, 09:44:17 PM »

I scored 39--usually I'm not a depressive person.  I often think of myself as an overly peppy person.  But I guess with the effects of a divorce of which I'm about 4 months into--this is what I get and it is what it is.  I'm trying to embrace the process.  The good thing I'm finding out of this grief I have a lot of artistic ideas flowing (see the happy, glass half full person is shining through).  I realize sadness and depression is part of the grieving process of the end of a marriage, but I look forward to posting 6 months to a year from now and seeing my score decrease. 
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« Reply #147 on: July 09, 2009, 10:43:06 PM »

Hmmm... .35. I just came back to look up the term gas lighting because my w had been using the term lately.  I got distracted and started reading some posts.  I decided to take the survey.  Funny thing is, I was thinking I was feeling pretty good.  Last time I took it, I think I scored a 20. 

I think I am feeling better now than back then.  So the question is, am I more depressed or more honest?

The tough one is always the one about killing myself.  I thought about it just last week.  Not that I want to hurt myself, but I always have a plan.  Several plans actually.  Even though I think about it, my situation doesn't justify that option.  So I never go down that path.  I can't help it but I do consider it from time to time when I think things are crappy. 

I said never, but I should say not since that time 30+ years ago.  The round was defective and didn't fire.  In the instant between the pressure release on the trigger and the click of the firing pin striking the -I realized I had made a mistake.  Things weren't really that bad.  They weren't that bad then and never have been or are likely to be.  But I will consider it and work out a plan from time to tine.  The plan usualy will vary  depending on opportunities and how big or little of a mess I'd like to make.  I almost always lie about thoughts of killing myself.  But it is always an option. 

Not sure why I bring it up now.  Likely it is because of the survey and there was a movie on the TV where a person offed them self.
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« Reply #148 on: July 10, 2009, 01:50:15 AM »

I scored 17 and am very happy about it.  A few monts ago when I was deeply in the fog I did a similar test and the result said I was severely depressed so I'm doing well here.

I must say I did take a big distance.  Still am around for my BPD friend if he wants to talk to me but I let him deal with his own problems and although he still tries to project everything onto me, I'm no longer allowing him.  I can clearly make the difference now on what belongs to me and what belongs to him and when he starts acting out I just leave and tell him to call me when he can treat me with more respect.  And... .it actually works.

FMA
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« Reply #149 on: July 10, 2009, 03:42:04 AM »

I got a 9 which I think might relate to having found this board and seeing that I'm better off than many, plus we are in a pretty good place right now, long may it last!  One day at a time... .

PCker
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« Reply #150 on: July 11, 2009, 03:29:31 AM »

12, wauw i am getting better much better
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« Reply #151 on: July 13, 2009, 02:58:12 PM »

Shoot. I scored 15. Mild depression. And I just told my T today that I was feeling some anxiety, but not depressed.

By the way, hi. I'm new to this board, having just reached my 50th post recently. I look forward to interacting with you all.

Well, recognizing mild depression is the first step to getting rid of it. Exercise, going to bed on time, and trying to follow a routine should help. I should probably also let my H know this. :0/
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« Reply #152 on: July 15, 2009, 08:36:03 PM »

55. 

Got a ways to go... .
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« Reply #153 on: July 15, 2009, 09:25:26 PM »

Skip, I got a score of 58 which basically validates the fact that I am severely depressed.  With these results now known to me, it just makes me feel that much more depressed.  One of the major reasons why I am severely depressed right now is because I discovered just yesterday that I do not love my BPD wife after 8 years of being so very patient, understanding, and tolerating her issues.  I put on this quiet, reserved face with my immediate family of my BPD wife and her daughter, because I am guarding myself from them, because they hardly ever give me a chance to voice my opinions.  Oddly enough, when I do, I am pounded upon.  When I don't, they wonder why I am so quiet.  This website has been helpful for venting for me and for so many others, thank goodness.  I also have belonged to a men's group, but my BPD wife's mother is dealing with cancer, and my BPD wife is needing all the support I can give to her.  She is totally clueless that I am running on empty, because she is so selfish.
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« Reply #154 on: July 16, 2009, 04:08:21 PM »

I don't remember the score when I took this awhile back, and I was everything bad but suicidal, but I've improved! The test might not reflect how much exactly, but honesty appears to have returned some self-respect. I shouldn't be living with someone who acts the way he does.

Thanks so much for the reminder in the title of this thread.

AB
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« Reply #155 on: July 17, 2009, 09:14:13 AM »

I scored 50... .I don't feel depressed, but STRESSED is more the word. 
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« Reply #156 on: July 17, 2009, 11:23:41 AM »

Hi,

I scored a 28, which I am OK with right now. Although this is the "Undecided" board, I have decided to leave but still read here - the more I can understand the better. I think if I can score a 28 while on the verge of moving out and knowing that the ___ is going to hit the fan, Im doing pretty good. My T has been working with me BIG time on accepting that it is not my job to feel sorry for her misery or guilty about the pain she will be in when I leave any more. I have given it 3 years of seeing a T and encouraging her to also (she did for about 2 months a while ago).

I also took the test of where I think I was right before I started on my path to wellness, and I scored around and 80 :'( ? :'(. I was trying to figure out how to commit suicide in a way that no one would know that it was intentional - so they would think it was an accident. Luckily, I knew enough to think "this is f&*ked up, everything in my life is good except for my marriage and family life - what the hell am I thinking!" But you know how it is, she had me convinced that it was ALL me, and I believe her warped thinking. Amazing how quick a good T and myself doing a lot of work & thinking can change ones perspective.

DKC
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« Reply #157 on: July 17, 2009, 12:04:14 PM »

Hello,

I scored 55. Does not sound too great. Am depressed and for the first time in my adult life have developed anxiety - I am basically stressed out of my brains. Was always able to multi-task - now one task seems too much for me. This after years with my partner who was critical of me, verbally and psychologically abusive, scared of me leaving him, etc. He is THE guy with anxiety, OCD, NP behaviour and normally the one stressed out.  I was always the calm one, trying to resolve things, occasionally a bit dramatic after I had enough of manipulative behaviour - but generally positive and going on with my work and art, seeing friends, traveling, and trying to have a loving relationship etc. Slowly this has been eroding over the last four years or so. Now, strangely enough he seems to have changed and appears totally relaxed, is friendly and polite to me - does not really tell me what he is doing with/in his life - detached? - asks me if I sleep well and talks to other women online and is seeing at least one of them.

Am going to CODA now, still not got a therapist - on waiting list - take St. John's Worth and go for walks in parks. Nature is a great place.

I am trying to do regular exercise and meditation.

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« Reply #158 on: August 25, 2009, 12:19:38 PM »

21 - about half what it was a few months ago.  Events have calmed - the other shoe dropped - but the world didn't end.  I feel more like I'm digging out after a disaster - now at least I'm active not passive, waiting for the disaster to happen.
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« Reply #159 on: August 25, 2009, 12:22:04 PM »

wow I am at a four... a flippin four... separation is doing me wonders!
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« Reply #160 on: August 25, 2009, 12:27:31 PM »

I am also at a 4!  I know I have been feeling great, but it's nice to see the "no depression" category.  This is quite a feat for me as I have spent most of my adult life with at least a low level of depression.  This is the first time in my life that I am not plagued by negative thoughts, or fears that even if I am doing fine it is only a matter of time before it will be snatched away.  I now understand the beginnings of that downward spiral and how to take charge over my emotional health.   
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« Reply #161 on: August 29, 2009, 02:32:49 AM »



29 - moderate depression. I don't feel it though - but it's there.

For you folks under around 15 to 20  - is there the possibility that what you are feeling is just 'real life'. Day to day crap, feeling normal.

Under 10, hmmm, you're obv. feeling too good!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #162 on: August 29, 2009, 09:18:07 PM »

 

   WOW,   12       I found my score from Aug.  27, 2008,  I was 30  moderately depressed.

   so,  12, mild depression, barely is great.   I am optomistic by nature and right now my job is great... .so totally me and I am getting overtime and putting money away.  looking at turning my upstairs (previously 3 bedroom inn)  into an adult family home area ( did job coaching and development, than group homes for 2 years before getting into therapy again),   few bumps in the road, but take that as a matter of course to be figured out in life.   Just feeling a little stuck in some areas in life, but know life needs 'rest' times too... R.
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« Reply #163 on: September 04, 2009, 07:59:29 AM »

Hi,

I scored 29, moderately depressed which makes sense... I'm just over 3wks NC.  I still have difficult moments ie. sleep interruptions, bit of obsessive thinking at times, but they are lessening. I can feel my confidence growing again and i'm slowly getting back to my old self (with insight)... I have noticed that my self of humour is returning too! 

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...

I'll do the test again in a few weeks...

rgds,

Liza  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #164 on: September 04, 2009, 10:47:37 AM »

I scored 57 this time... .it's getting worse not better  :'( . 
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« Reply #165 on: September 06, 2009, 10:21:00 PM »

Oh lost, I am so sorry.  I hope it turns around for you.

Today I scored a 43.

On June 30 it was 67.

And that's less than three months.

May your G-d aid you in your healing.   xoxox
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« Reply #166 on: September 06, 2009, 10:28:51 PM »

((sigh)) 50 today. 
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« Reply #167 on: September 15, 2009, 08:31:13 PM »

Today I got an 8.

Maybe I'm deluding myself.

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« Reply #168 on: September 15, 2009, 10:07:10 PM »

16 today. Down from upper 40's when I took it last (at least a month ago).

I also put a couple 1's down where I was like eh... .0 or 1. I would put a 1 if there was any inkling at all of the feeling, and some were probably actually 0's. So I think I'm doing better. This NC diet works! 3.5 months now.
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« Reply #169 on: September 15, 2009, 10:19:41 PM »

9/15/09  15

8/25/09  21

6/30/09  28

8/24/08  19  (A few weeks after my divorce was final, and a week before my son got in big trouble.)
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« Reply #170 on: September 15, 2009, 11:48:58 PM »

Thats great trend Matt.  Keeping and dating the scores is a really helpful thing to do!
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« Reply #171 on: October 11, 2009, 09:48:58 AM »

67. Guess it was a hard week this past one, but more because I have been sick and this destablizes my whole family, this time esp. dh. So I need to do poll again in a few days when my health is better - some virus shared by GD4 going back to preschool most likely. I get really down when feel overwhelmed by everyone who seems to depend so much on me to keep their life together. Had to miss work at both part-time jobs becasue too tired and couldn't even talk for two days. Then get email from job1 that new CFO starting next week that needs to work with me - yikes! I am not ready for a new person with expectations of me. You'd think dh would like that as he complains always I talk too much but my whispered answered to his comments drove him even more crazy! Then the old buick heater goes out on the first snowy day so he has to stop and scrap the inside of the windshield - freaking out about the money to repair. But he figures out part it nees and we find online used for only $132 instead of $500 new part and order. but I have to do all  computer stuff because he doesn't use computer - combination of learning disability and resistance to technology though he repaired TV's for 35 years and is the premier handyman! He's just now learning to use his cell phone since helps him at his new job.

Good thing last week - even though I couldn't talk, was lunch with foster/adopt mom for my GS2 with BPD23. D23 seems less blaming of me for his adoption just this past Friday. She was not home much as this was a rough time for her as she stated. She left last night because she couldn't stand dh and I bickering about the car repair, and I had asked her to stay and help put GD4 to bed after she made a big deal about my "undercutting her parental authority" at dinner when I asked her to leave GD4 alone about eating food she did not like. It was not a pretty scene, and dh drove her away for the night to a friends house. She just called and I will go get her this am. D23 really does a much better job of controlling her anger with us and the things that drive her crazy about how dh and I relate, and yet she is the only yelling and cursing in front of gd4 until gd4 is cuddled with me with her hands over her ears.

Dh has agreed to 6 weeks of couseling to hopefully get some support on setting and maintaining boundaries with d23 that we can live with. We had to reschedule 1st appt Friday because I couldn't talk, and last night he was refusing to go saying he didn't need more talk, talk, talk. But he will go this Friday or I want him to move out along with D23, but then I couldn't do the GD4 custody thing alone. man it justs keeps going around in a circle for me this past week.

So now that I have vented in maybe not the right place on this site I will go back and do the poll again. I have been unable to get 5 minutes at my computer to post all this in the past 4 days!
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« Reply #172 on: October 11, 2009, 09:58:09 AM »

36. Ok so maybe by first score was based on yesterday and this is more like I feel right now. It is a wonderful thing being able to be open and honest without having to filter every thought and action like I do with face-to-face people in my life. I feel so dishonest sometimes in how I have to live to keep the peace and try to meet everyones needs. If can get the crises reduced maybe can focus some of my T time on taking care of myself, not just everyone else.
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« Reply #173 on: October 11, 2009, 06:40:56 PM »

This is a very revealing quiz.

This is my third time taking it.

June 2009 :          67

September 2009 :  43

October 2009 :      66

Not really a heckuva lot to say about that, is there.
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« Reply #174 on: October 12, 2009, 10:42:17 AM »

67
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« Reply #175 on: October 12, 2009, 10:56:57 AM »

I scored a 7.  However five of those points were about being tired and sleeping too much, which given my current highly physically and mentally demanding work regime and my new baby are probably not depression related.  1 was due to health concern, and in fact I do have a small health concern at the moment, but its being fixed, so my adjusted score is probably 1.  Just for interest, I did the test again, remembering back to when I was 18 1and 19 and absolutely, totally messed up, and came away with a 44.

The take home message is - keep working at it, it will get better.  I only wish I'd had more understanding earlier, because I'd say I was hovering around the 20 mark for most of my adult life struggling with the aftereffects of growing up with my mother.

Hang in there!

Chris
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« Reply #176 on: October 12, 2009, 11:17:28 AM »

Yikes... .scored a 50.  I thought I was doing better.  I guess the after-effects of being with a BPD is that the roller coaster ride doesn't really end when the park is closed.

LOL  Well, at least I can still make myself laugh. 

Going to enjoy the rest of today after spending the morning crying and being sad.

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« Reply #177 on: October 12, 2009, 04:47:36 PM »

I scored a 40. Sounds about right to me. I'm dealing with a bunch of things right now with my BPDh and my Mom and my health. I've been thinking about going to a T for me. It's a real hard thing for me because I fear H will use it against me... ."and you said I was the one with mental illness... .look who's going to therapy and who is not... ." He denies that he has BPD event though he was diagnosed 
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« Reply #178 on: October 12, 2009, 04:58:11 PM »

I scored a 40. Sounds about right to me. I'm dealing with a bunch of things right now with my BPDh and my Mom and my health. I've been thinking about going to a T for me. It's a real hard thing for me because I fear H will use it against me... ."and you said I was the one with mental illness... .look who's going to therapy and who is not... ." He denies that he has BPD event though he was diagnosed 

I had to deal with that.  I started going to a counselor in 2006, before separating.  Our divorce was final in mid-2008.  During depositions I was asked about counseling, and I answered honestly, that I thought it might be a good idea and it was helpful so I continued.  My wife maintained that she didn't need it because there was nothing wrong with her.  I insisted on psych evals, and mine came up clean but hers looked really bad.  So I gained credibility and she lost it.

I think the lesson is, there's nothing wrong with preventive health care - if you think counseling might be helpful go for it and the court will probably see that as wise.

Matt
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« Reply #179 on: October 12, 2009, 06:07:54 PM »

Hello Skip,

                 I scored 25 , took the test while feeling pretty low and during a crying spell.
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« Reply #180 on: October 12, 2009, 07:33:06 PM »

Christ.  A year out and on significant antidepressants and I still scored an 80.

Admittedly, the REASON for most of my answers has changed, the BPDex has been largely irrelevant for most of the last year, and all my woes stem from courts... .
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« Reply #181 on: October 12, 2009, 07:39:03 PM »

28 - ok for husband currently in jail for DV charges. Mostly me worried sick of his threats and near future struggles over returning his belongings and any court appearances and any danger. But at least now I am out ad I can start to have hope for a better future.
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« Reply #182 on: October 12, 2009, 08:23:53 PM »

Hi,

For those who scores below 8, you must have something in you such as   characters, traits, coping skills, way of life, philosophy, etc  to be a happy person. Could you please share your thoughts & experiences in dealing with a BP or yr way of life?

Peter
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« Reply #183 on: October 12, 2009, 10:00:55 PM »

I'm at 24.

I'm 3 weeks divorced with xh constantly trying to contact me.  I expect to get better and better.   Smiling (click to insert in post)  I have some days where I feel fabulous and thats a feeling that I haven't felt in ages.
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« Reply #184 on: October 12, 2009, 11:37:32 PM »

Hi,

For those who scores below 8, you must have something in you such as   characters, traits, coping skills, way of life, philosophy, etc  to be a happy person. Could you please share your thoughts & experiences in dealing with a BP or yr way of life?

Peter

Hi Peter,

I've taken this a couple of times and am in the 2-4 range. Certainly if I'd taken it when I first arrived here over a year ago and was in the midst of mother angst, the score would have been much higher. I wish I could explain that lack of depression; I could bottle it and make a fortune. I grew up with a uBPD mom and a uAsPD/NPD dad, and I certainly have had earlier in my life spells of depression (and more consistently, anxiety). As a young adult, I had a mild eating disorder, which righted itself without treatment. I do seem to have something that protects my mood, a kind of natural resilience perhaps. My T (and yes, that's part of it, LOL!) says I have "good instincts for my own healing." I've been to a few and they're always absolutely astonished at the fact that though I'm clearly damaged, I'm also able to live a really satisfying life. I've had luck, too. There's nothing really stressful happening in my life right now and when there is, I can get pretty wound up (anxious). My job's secure, everybody's healthy... .these things can, eventually will, change. But in general, my set point is to be pretty happy. I think the resilience comes down to a few things, including:

Very long, stable, happy marriage. Totally lucked out there--and worked at it, too.

Thoughtful choices. For example, I figured out for a long time that I wasn't ready to be a mother, because of where I'd come from. Then I figured out that I was ready, and now we have a beautiful little girl.

Great job that I enjoy and excel at. I grew up poor, with inconsistent resources (and considerable neglect), and I determined early on that having a way to make a stable living was very important to me. I'm lucky in having found a way to do it that I like.

Purposeful effort to create community. I'm not a spiritual person, wish I were. But I completely see the value in connections. I try to nurture them.

Good coping skills. As a young child, to escape, I read. (Still do.  Smiling (click to insert in post)) I do yoga, walk, talk to friends, do relaxing, nurturing things on a regular basis.

Survivor's instinct. If I see trouble coming, I have learned to get the h$ll out of the way.

Pleasant routines. I find them very soothing.

I realized that my childhood left me feeling unconnected, rootless, and in terror of chaos and uncertainty, which is what I faced every day. So I went about my adult life purposely creating connections and order. Sometimes that can drift into enabling and rigidity, but I can usually keep grounded. Yoga makes a huge difference. I did it at first for the exercise, not realizing that it seemed to be rewiring my brain. After 10 years, I'm significantly refitted.

Oh, and did I mention I'm NC with my mother? Smiling (click to insert in post) (Father is dead.) Not facing endless barrages of madness really, really helps!

I hope I don't come off sounding Pollyanna or annoying in this. I know I'm lucky and it almost feels like testing the gods to write this out. There are many, many in my family who have not come off so well in what is a long multigenerational story of mental illness. I don't know how much my okayness is genetic and how much stems from my choices and habits. Wish I did, and I hope for lower scores for all at the next taking of the test.  xoxo

B&W
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« Reply #185 on: October 13, 2009, 02:13:28 AM »

Woo! I took this ages ago when it was originally posted and had 57. Took it again just now and I scored 38. Not fantastic but I'm actually a bit proud of that, even more proud that i can put big fat zeros for the 'ever have any thoughts of giving up or ending it' ones. I actually wrote those scores in massive print in my journal  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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« Reply #186 on: October 13, 2009, 03:39:25 AM »

Well, I scored a 40 which is not bad for me because I KNOW that two months ago it would probably have been double that so I feel somewhat encouraged. Thanks so much for outting this up!
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« Reply #187 on: October 13, 2009, 05:43:04 AM »

For those who scores below 8, you must have something in you such as   characters, traits, coping skills, way of life, philosophy, etc  to be a happy person. Could you please share your thoughts & experiences in dealing with a BP or yr way of life?

Peter

I scored an 8 for a second time. (The first time I chalked it up to denial!)

In the end, however, I would not describe myself as "a happy person" by any means. But if I'm doing relatively well in the aftermath of my break-up I would cite a few things: 1) Even during the relationship I never stopped doing the things in life that sustain me (in my case, writing, reading, and teaching); 2) Visiting and posting on this board to both vent and work on myself while being supported by and supporting others; 3) Maintaining NC, which has provided the necessary distance from all the crisis and enmeshment so I can work towards healing; and 4) Keeping a strong inner life, both intellectually and fantasy-wise.

I think my score would be very different if I was still in contact with my ex. And I know that my score is relative, depending on the day and circumstances. I still have a lot of work to do. But it's good to have these "8" days--it lets me know that we can all heal and eventually have more good days than bad.
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« Reply #188 on: October 13, 2009, 12:13:35 PM »

Hello Skip,

                 I scored 25 , took the test while feeling pretty low and during a crying spell.

WOW - that's pretty amazing!
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« Reply #189 on: October 13, 2009, 12:14:34 PM »

I got a 10.  

Although my ongoing involvement with the BPD in my life is a little bit of a different dynamic.  

I'm handling it a lot better these days, and am trying to just trudge along finding beauty in the world going on around me... .even when it seems impossible sometimes.

I want to be happy, dagnabit.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #190 on: October 13, 2009, 12:15:22 PM »

Although I scored 39, I'm actually encouraged because yesterday my score would have been higher.

I've never seen this test before today.  It's a great way to get a snapshot of "now," "now," "now," with those individual snapshots in time becoming points on a graph.  

Today better than yesterday is good.   Smiling (click to insert in post)  

Next week... .next month... .next year... .ever better, I hope.

I am working on this.  I did a great deal of inner work yesterday, which was a challenging day for me.  This is a solid indication to me that the inner work does pay off.        
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« Reply #191 on: October 13, 2009, 12:26:52 PM »

Matt, thank you for your input. I think I am going to go ahead and set it up. I feel like I really need some help dealing with all of the stress I am facing right now. I'm feeling really depressed today, just kindof hopeless ya know. He may try to use it against me but I think you are right, if it came to that, I feel a court would see it as wise. My reason "I went because I couldn't deal with his BPD alone and he refused to get help."
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« Reply #192 on: October 13, 2009, 12:30:39 PM »

 :'(

Today, I scored a 71 and I am feeling it!
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« Reply #193 on: October 13, 2009, 01:19:19 PM »

Matt, thank you for your input. I think I am going to go ahead and set it up. I feel like I really need some help dealing with all of the stress I am facing right now. I'm feeling really depressed today, just kindof hopeless ya know. He may try to use it against me but I think you are right, if it came to that, I feel a court would see it as wise. My reason "I went because I couldn't deal with his BPD alone and he refused to get help."

Uh, well, I'm not sure that's what I'd say to the court... .

First, I don't think it works well - from my little experience and hearing what others here have found - for you or me to "diagnose" our spouses or exes or stbXes.  It can be seen as playing psychologist and you're likely to be asked "Are you qualified to diagnose your husband?"  Even if there is a diagnosis from a professional, you need to be careful about how you handle that;  it can't be presented as an accusation - "He has BPD and I can prove it!" - because it's a medical condition and it's not his fault.  It has to be presented as information for the court to take into account.  The focus needs to stay on his behavior not his diagnosis.

This kind of comment - "My problems are his fault" - can also look like finger-pointing, or refusing to take responsibility, which is funny because by going to a counselor you are taking responsibility!

Instead I would suggest something like, "I find it difficult to deal with my husband's behavior - like [example] for example.  I was feeling a lot of stress and getting depressed.  So I found a counselor, got some advice - like [example of the advice you got] for example - and I'm following those recommendations.  And that is helping a lot."  The basic message is, "I am taking care of myself and dealing with my issues."  I think that message will be respected both by any professionals that are involved and by the court.  (In my case I handled it more-or-less this way - told about increased cardiovascular exercise as an example of following my counselor's guidance - and it was no problem.)

Best wishes!

Matt
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« Reply #194 on: October 13, 2009, 03:16:34 PM »

33 - and I feel like it.

The first block thinking/feeling part is so much better than it was months before. No hopeless, no powerless, no confusion and a lot less fear. Also now a lot less conflict. Thank you everyone here on the board.

The second and third block when it comes to action - I still have issues. But I don't feel they will remain as large as they are now.

I feel good!

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« Reply #195 on: October 13, 2009, 03:22:35 PM »

LOL  Being cool (click to insert in post)   Oh no Matt... .I would never present it that way. I'm not planning to be in court anyway (but ya never know). I usually deal with all of this better (I think) I'm just having an off day and venting some. Great advice though. If I ever do find myself in court... .will remember it.

I am working on letting his "stuff" be his and my "stuff" being mine - no blaming him for my problems. Still learning. I do hope getting help for me will make me feel more hopeful. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #196 on: October 13, 2009, 03:46:50 PM »

LOL  Being cool (click to insert in post)   Oh no Matt... .I would never present it that way. I'm not planning to be in court anyway (but ya never know). I usually deal with all of this better (I think) I'm just having an off day and venting some. Great advice though. If I ever do find myself in court... .will remember it.

I am working on letting his "stuff" be his and my "stuff" being mine - no blaming him for my problems. Still learning. I do hope getting help for me will make me feel more hopeful. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Cool.

When I went through it, I had all sorts of stuff on the tip of my tongue:  "We all know she is mentally ill so I should have control of the kids and only let her see them after she has been treated and is healthy."  All sorts of stuff that actually makes sense but you can't say it anyway.  So I'm glad you are past that phase and already working on your own stuff... .

Matt
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« Reply #197 on: October 13, 2009, 09:58:00 PM »



Well... .it has been a while... .

Hi everyone.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Currently I'm in the 0-5... .yay!

I have to say that last year at this time, I was in a pretty low place but after what is now 10 months n/c, a finalized divorce, and keeping my commitments to myself to better my life and self, I have serenity.  It doesn't mean I don't have scars and it doesn't mean that every day is a bed of roses but it does mean that what felt like a fog I couldn't see through was exactly that... .fog.

I have been going to counseling now, not to talk about that "backs and forths," the conflicting emotions and the extreme confusion that was the legacy of what I left behind but to talk about what is good in me to build upon.  I can find the strength within myself with honest self assessment that I'll never repeat the choices I had made to first, enter into a relationship with my former and second, to never again stay anywhere near close to any relationship that is toxic and abusive regardless of the "disorder" within it.

I had heard it from day one... .here on this site as well as from my T... .

No contact works wonders.  Counseling works wonders.  The books work wonders and this site is a flat out God send.

On a side note: As my divorce became final, my life began to prosper again.  Call it what you will; miraculous, fortuitous, serendipitous, etc.  The week the marriage ended... .my life began to prosper.

I will say that I had taken a time out from here for a while as I needed time to not "be in it" as I was having difficulty detaching emotionally from all of the stories that were so similar to my own but I no longer have that difficulty.

It gets better my friends.  It truly does.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) <---I really like the new thingy.

Peace with you, UFH

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« Reply #198 on: October 14, 2009, 01:13:24 AM »

Hi B&W,

I tend to forget bad things easily & can be as quick as 15 minutes.

I also stop my thinking imm if there is any negative emotion coming out driven from my wife.

So, I am doing OK & never get into any depression living with a BP wife as I let go everything quickly.

Peter. 
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« Reply #199 on: October 14, 2009, 08:49:28 AM »

Hi Peter,

Glad to hear you're able to let things slide away and don't ruminate on them. Do you think that's a characteristic or skill that's helpful for preventing depression? How do you do that? It might help other members to get a sense of some techniques to release negative emotions. I know I have to make an effort at this, doesn't necessarily come completely naturally.

B&W
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« Reply #200 on: October 14, 2009, 12:08:13 PM »

34. Kinda surprised me, thought mine would be lower. I shudder to think what it would have been a year or so ago.
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« Reply #201 on: October 14, 2009, 07:41:28 PM »

A low 8, man I feel empowered ! Just a few days ago I had a few crying spells and I was 25, and then I told myself to be true to whom I am. Let me fill you all in, hopefully I won't take too much of your time. Right now I am away from home, helping my D, who is due now for her baby girl, and has a 20 month old that she has no energy to play with. My D asked me for help and because she has not a support system where she now resides ,I said I would help out. My H was not happy with me making up my own mind, refused to drive me to our daughters and even after being here 2 weeks he shows no effort to be involed with us. He chooses to ignore our unhealthy relationship, and has been reading my threads, hope I got a handle on it now with Jonnak help, what a sweetie, like most of you on board with helping others on bpdfamily.com. I truly believe when you are with a group of people trying to heal with no judgements and alot of truth and GRACE, one really does feel hope.

               Now I am with my anxious D, I have been upset not with my H, but with my SIL, for some unknown reason, he has been mean to me, but because my D brought it up, I told her the truth how I felt and she had a talk with her H, and we made peace. I have not cried myself to sleep for a long time, it is hard work and I was thrown off with sil's behaviour ? What is marvelous is that I now realize my H is very ill and chooses to block me and my D out of his life right now. I guess he read a thread that the message was from what he says my D said maybe I would be better off if he was dead. Still in shock that he invaded my threads just to be one up on me, I tried to explain to him, that it was how I felt at the time, but of course he did not get it, and said he would disown our D and did not care if he ever seen her new home, let alone grandbabies :'( Also if I followed her, he would get a new family if he had too.

                Wow, here I am with much hope, and I'm not getting nothing positive from my H. Of course I question did he ever care? As hard as my life is right now, and yes I should be very depressed, but I choose the road to heal for myself. I have to be truthful( which can be brutal) but I also want to have grace and forgiveness for my H's sins, as he may never be in a place to get help and truly live in pure joy. Soo sorry I took so long, just wanted you all to know we are all truly responsible for our own happiness. Much love to bpdfamily.com & Skip who invited me on this site.   So Clear xoxox
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« Reply #202 on: October 15, 2009, 08:04:42 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  My D just had her new baby girl, thought H should know , called and he hung up on me.
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« Reply #203 on: October 15, 2009, 09:34:13 AM »

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  My D just had her new baby girl, thought H should know , called and he hung up on me.

Sorry to hear that 
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« Reply #204 on: October 15, 2009, 10:22:52 AM »

Today, I am a 12.  It's a bit discouraging to feel like I have lost some progress that I'd made.  I've accepted that I am prone to depression and have issues of codependency.  I was happier when I wasn't in a relationship, and now that I am and there are difficulties, I am finding my insecurities rising to the surface.  I am feeling uncomfortable with having to face these weaknesses of mine, and if I ever hope to have a rewarding relationship, I am going to have to work on it sooner or later.  In the meantime, I am continuing with my T, independent reading and reflection, and focusing on my inner dialogue.  I still have a lot of work to do.       
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« Reply #205 on: October 15, 2009, 10:29:19 AM »

Today, I am a 12.  It's a bit discouraging to feel like I have lost some progress that I'd made.  I've accepted that I am prone to depression and have issues of codependency.  I was happier when I wasn't in a relationship, and now that I am and there are difficulties, I am finding my insecurities rising to the surface.  I am feeling uncomfortable with having to face these weaknesses of mine, and if I ever hope to have a rewarding relationship, I am going to have to work on it sooner or later.  In the meantime, I am continuing with my T, independent reading and reflection, and focusing on my inner dialogue.  I still have a lot of work to do.       

THATS WHY WERE ON bpdfamily.com, we all need to work on ourselves.  to you and keep believing in YOURSELF  So Clear
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« Reply #206 on: October 15, 2009, 10:11:25 PM »

Hi B&W

QUOTE:

Hi Peter,

Glad to hear you're able to let things slide away and don't ruminate on them. Do you think that's a characteristic or skill that's helpful for preventing depression? How do you do that? It might help other members to get a sense of some techniques to release negative emotions. I know I have to make an effort at this, doesn't necessarily come completely naturally.

B&W

I think it is more of a skill than a character to side away & ruminate on them as I was conditioned to shut off those negative emotions once it pops out automatically.

It is due to a book that I read in college. The name is "Science and Human Behavior" by Prof B.F. Skinner of Harvard. It is mainly on stimulus/response psychology.

I learnt to condition myself not to response every time it happens. Slowly but surely, it will work out naturally & rarely, it gets me. You stop imm. & think clearly & not to response to those stimulus. Or, you divert yr attention to something else that will keep you happy or you enjoy to do most.


On the other hand, I told myself why I should let those negative thoughts to get me. Just hell with it as living with a BP, those things can happen all the time & erratically. I better do my own thing & enjoy life.

Hope this can help.

Peter

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« Reply #207 on: October 17, 2009, 09:27:10 PM »

I scored a 21 which I think is pretty good all things considered - separated last summer (August 2008), was still trying to make it work (by myself I might add) until spring, filed in April, signed papers first of October - same day he moved to different hemisphere, discovered something called BPD 2 weeks b4 he vacated the home at the end of August 2009.  Been playing catch up ever since - this website is a godsend btw.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

~mn36
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« Reply #208 on: October 29, 2009, 01:22:51 PM »

one year ago it was 54

now i am at 0

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #209 on: November 01, 2009, 08:50:27 AM »

Wow - thats great to here!

What do you attribute your progress to?
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« Reply #210 on: November 01, 2009, 09:10:54 PM »

hey guys  havent posted for a while i decided,     wait     my unhealthy self decided that i could deal with someone who was out of reality... .so i took my misery back   knowing the out come made it easier im out 50 days or so  im ok got a 25 . im sad cause she is spiraling down real fast        she resigned as a teacher, hasnt paid mortgage, they are forclosing on her townhousse so ... .she moved closer to me.and is looking for public assistance o mg i really escaped this it is very sad tho   glad i poste d hope i continue

   freddi
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« Reply #211 on: November 05, 2009, 01:35:41 AM »

very very much reading,took a good look into my own part of it all.

And took me about one year to gain control back over me instead of trying to control him.

Did go through my own fears,did not accept them nor gave it a place, finally could see what he was

And i still love him but more like he is what he is... a child with no direction...

And agree that there are no guilty or innocent people involved in the relation,we are ourselves

as much as responsable as they are for theirs,for our own happyness,and know that in all our

innocence we expected that they made us happy and blame them for failing... .

But we failed also... we cannot make them happy,so why should they can?

But... .it was indeed a trip through hell... and made it to the other side... he didnt,still wandering around...

Looking for their fix...
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« Reply #212 on: December 06, 2009, 11:31:58 AM »

From 33 down to 16. Maybe I'm a bit too optimistic? But I feel ok... If I could just beat my procrastination habits I would be somewhere else.
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« Reply #213 on: December 06, 2009, 12:09:13 PM »

Hmm. Just noticed this test. 51. Wow. Didn't think it would be anywhere near that high. And this is after significant recent hard-earned progress. No telling how high it had been.

13 months out from separation. 3 months out from the divorce.

This is definitely going to take longer than I was expecting.
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« Reply #214 on: December 06, 2009, 12:09:44 PM »

Really good - at long last.

<:-)

JerryKew

PS: I scored 9 on the test.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #215 on: December 06, 2009, 01:53:31 PM »

8/24/08  19  (A few weeks after my divorce was final, and a week before my son got in big trouble.)

6/30/09  28

8/25/09  21

9/15/09  15

12/6/09  20  Hm... .



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« Reply #216 on: December 06, 2009, 06:59:30 PM »

August 08 was 16. This was just before reconcilliation, while we were in therapy both together and indivudually. He was in DBT and I in IC.

Today its a 4... .Nice Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #217 on: December 07, 2009, 07:41:38 PM »

Working my butt off here and got a 5.  I haven't felt depressed for a while.  Working with DBT, NVC and reading here and there about getting myself away from the BPD influence and working out at the gym getting the endorphin going 
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« Reply #218 on: December 08, 2009, 11:43:11 AM »

Wanted to add a thank you to Skip for posting this.  It has helped me to gain a better perspective on my history of depression, what has caused it and what I have done that alleviates it.  Thanks.

I scored a 34.  I actually have a feeling of relief in my life, even at that score.  For several years now, I have just been hanging on.  I have finally left behind several years of chronic anxiety after the epiphany of embracing radical or universal acceptance.  I feel like I can accept anything life throws me now Smiling (click to insert in post)!  I have also given up any hope that I will get any validation, acceptance, or nurturing from my uBPD mother.  

I am still at 34 due to the financial problems resulting from 6 years of chronic anxiety, depression, and the fear of working for a boss (yes, it was a real phobia).  Also, the loss of those 6 years, my current relationship status, struggling to resume my career, and dealing with having gained about 30 lbs. over that 6 years.  

I put myself back in time at critical junctures in my life to take this test so I could put together a timeline.  

51  -  age 17, uBPD mom ('sanitary' hoarder), uNPD alcoholic/workaholic dad

36  -  age 19, amazing what being out of that house for a couple of years could do

23  -  age 25, self-esteem through work/school, friends, interests, read "Adult Children of Dysfunctional   Families and gained a lot of perspective on family dynamic, still binge drinking, bad at relationships

6   -   age 28, took a year to analyze self, no women, cut drinking down, focused on work/school/self

4   -   age 31, 2002 (prior to sis's suicide) Career/finances excellent, bought home, engaged      

73  -  2003 (5 months after sis's suicide) Bought second home with fiancee, focused on work, wrong moves, had first panic attack, most of this score is due to sis's suicide and having no supportive family bonds to help cope, also no idea where to go for help

76  -  2003 (9 months after sis's suicide - after getting forced out of my career b/c of severe depression)

85  -  2005 (December during coming out of the FOG of relationship with NPD sociopath and having moved  back in with uBPDm and NPD workaholic/alcoholic dad to 'get back on my feet' - dumbest decision of my life)  I checked myself into a hospital when I was driving back from checking on the sociopath one night after Christmas.  I thought a couple of times about pulling the wheel of my Jeep into a bridge imbunkment.  I stayed at the hospital for my 3 day evaluation, and checking myself in there was one of the better decisions I ever made.  

(50-70)  - 2006 - 2009, recovered from NPD sociopath, moved out of parents house after 18 months, chronic anxiety, new relationship that has been healing yet problematic also

34   -  today - radical (universal) acceptance is a tool, and understanding, that I never had before, I let go of the attachments to my mom - need for validation, acceptance, nurturing.  Relationship headed for a step back, but with perspective, I am now seeing some PD characteristics in my gf of 3+ years.  Struggling to resume my career, get my finances under control and back on track, and work on my lost social connections.  I am medication-free, and drug-free for that matter.  I don't abuse alcohol.  I am starting to sleep better and eat better.  I began exercising again.  Now it is freezing here and we are about to get a foot of snow, but I am still in a good mood  Smiling (click to insert in post)

After really hanging on the last few years, I feel relieved to be where I am at today.  I know after I resolve my finances and I resolve some of the things I have done to friends, family, and others since the fallout of 2003, my score will improve.  But right now I am enjoying the feeling of weathering the storm.  

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« Reply #219 on: December 08, 2009, 04:34:51 PM »

I scored a 46, but this is no surprise - it's these feelings that caused me to seek out therapy.

Most of the feelings are the depressive, sad, guilty, confused feelings of having to disengage from my uBPD partner, and struggling with "peeling the onion" of my own problems that caused me to get into this situation in the first place. 

I'm hoping that therapy this time will really help me clear away a lot of debris that has caused me to be stuck in bad patterns for too many years.

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« Reply #220 on: December 08, 2009, 07:00:43 PM »

My score was 6 but after I adjusted for the new baby it was one.  The adjustment was for things like - feeling tired - you bet! difficulty sleeping - of course but the doctor says she should sleep thru the night in a month or 2.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #221 on: December 08, 2009, 11:28:03 PM »

My score went up quite a bit from last time I took the poll, a couple of months ago.  Not good.  I don't know what happened, really.  Gotta get back on track.  I know I am not doing some of the things I should be, like exercising enough and pushing myself to maintain a good schedule of the things I should be doing.  Have to get back to it.  I let myself slide.  I know I can turn it around.  Unfortunately, I have to push through some divorce stuff now, facing some tough things, but I just have to get it done and move on.  It drags me down, but the sooner I get it done, the better.  Tomorrow's a new day.
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« Reply #222 on: December 09, 2009, 09:03:04 AM »

I scored 25 - right on the edge     .   Should be no real surprise but I was.
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« Reply #223 on: December 09, 2009, 05:03:51 PM »

fifty bloody six!



Merry xmas all.
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« Reply #224 on: December 10, 2009, 01:01:51 PM »

I can't find a link to the test... .only replies and scores others got.
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« Reply #225 on: December 10, 2009, 01:02:52 PM »

I scored a 10.
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« Reply #226 on: December 10, 2009, 01:49:28 PM »

Mermaid, it is on page one of this thread  <:-)
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« Reply #227 on: December 10, 2009, 02:37:34 PM »

WOW Jersey girl ... .I want to be where you are at!


V- The test is just under Santa.   It will say topic-test.  Click on it and it will highlight.
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« Reply #228 on: December 10, 2009, 04:36:32 PM »

Well, I took this test back in October and scored (I think) a 14-16 when I was just few weeks in on being NC - it is now day 70 of NC and I scored a 6. <:-)  The only thing that I am experiencing is a really stiff neck probably due to the fact that this is the first Holiday season without my xuBPDh - which means all of the preparations are on my shoulders.  Things are going fine, it is just something new is all... .  Hope that makes sense.

~mn36
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« Reply #229 on: December 10, 2009, 10:16:11 PM »

35, not horrible but room for improvement. First time taking it. If I had taking it March or earlier - yikes!

I will say I'd always have scored a zero on the last 3 <whew!>
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« Reply #230 on: December 11, 2009, 12:23:46 AM »

WOW Jersey girl ... .I want to be where you are at!


V- The test is just under Santa.   It will say topic-test.  Click on it and it will highlight.

OK, there's no test under Santa that I can see here. No links. No topic-test. Nothing but the percentages show up. I would like to take the test, not just see what % others got. Is there any way at all to read and answer the test questions? I clicked on ny link that looked like a test, but I just keep getting back to this thread. No test, even when I click on the "take the test" link. Always back to this thread.
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« Reply #231 on: December 11, 2009, 12:33:17 AM »

Mermaid, go to page 1 of this thread to make sure it looks the same, namely the bar graph results instead of the poll itself. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can click here to go there. Assuming it does show on page 1 with the bargraph instead of the poll, it looks to me like you have already voted perhaps? Once I voted, I then lost the ability to take the poll and vote again.
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« Reply #232 on: December 11, 2009, 01:14:32 AM »

Mermaid, go to page 1 of this thread to make sure it looks the same, namely the bar graph results instead of the poll itself. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can click here to go there. Assuming it does show on page 1 with the bargraph instead of the poll, it looks to me like you have already voted perhaps? Once I voted, I then lost the ability to take the poll and vote again.

OK, thanks. I guess I already voted once. But I saw posts here saying people had gotten different scores the first time, so I thought I could go again. Oh, well... . Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #233 on: December 11, 2009, 02:26:16 AM »

mermaid,

I already voted once and I also could not find a link to vote again.  I just did it on paper this time.
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« Reply #234 on: December 11, 2009, 08:39:29 AM »

Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's hopelessness of my situation getting better, maybe it's all I have learned and trying to let go, maybe it's the constant rollercoaster ride, maybe it's watching my life slip away from me... .

The chaos of this relationship, and the list could go on and on... .  Maybe just the challenge of trying to pull myself out of this black hole and keep getting sucked back in... .

Score 7/09 - 50; score 9/09 - 57; score now 65   ;

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« Reply #235 on: December 11, 2009, 10:20:49 AM »

Mermaid, the test is on page one of this thread.  It is skips first post that contains the test.  You have to write down your answers to get your score.  So click on page one and scroll down to Skips first post.  The test is in the first post.   
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« Reply #236 on: December 11, 2009, 01:54:06 PM »

I scored a 77   ... .1 month NC  ( okay 1 week if you count an email link )
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« Reply #237 on: December 11, 2009, 02:02:38 PM »

But my BPDsis is currently in hospital after her 4th suicide attempt and undergoing ECT, I'm acting as substitute mother for her D23 and have just been contacted by another (adopted out at birth) D24 who has bipolar with BPD traits. My uNPDbro recently lost his job and is looking for another. My uNPD father with whom I'm virtually NC but have had to contact via email in order to keep him in the loop re BPDsis is using said contact to do what he always does, which is ignore me and try and get information about my mother (his ex-wife of three years - and he remarried a 24yrs younger limited-English speaker in October, so what business is it of his? None but that's the point!)

And I have a chronic immune/neurological illness that I've had for nearly 17yrs, which is always affected by stress cos stress (gee, is this news?) is **tiring**!

Most of my responses are to do with being used by others to handle the situation cos I've done the years of work with a T to get to a place where I have good boundaries and communication skills with the family PDs - so they tend to leave it up to me cos 'you handle it so much better than I do'. Okay, I can relate to that - I went NC with BPDsis for 18months about eight years ago in order to establish those boundaries. But nobody else is trying to work on their own mental health... .Anyway, I'm about where I'd expect to be given the circumstances.
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« Reply #238 on: December 11, 2009, 07:04:34 PM »

Hi Skip... .56 here.
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« Reply #239 on: December 12, 2009, 01:21:28 AM »

This is a very revealing quiz.

This is my third time taking it.

June 2009 :          67

September 2009 :  43

October 2009 :      66

Not really a heckuva lot to say about that, is there.

December 11, 2009:             81

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« Reply #240 on: December 12, 2009, 02:36:38 PM »

Lost, Morgause, Jalk, Desert,

Those numbers are too high!  Bring them down.  You can do it!

Mine went up also, but not that high.  We have to take care of ourselves.  Do what you need to do, but get those numbers down.  You don't deserve to be in that state and neither do I.

I know there are some things I should be doing to help myself and I have to do them.  Went for a hike today, talked with a friend, tackling some unfinished business, etc.  Whatever works.  Don't let the past or the actions of some crappy person dictate your life!  Easier said than done, I know.

We all deserve better.
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« Reply #241 on: December 13, 2009, 08:01:27 AM »

Scored 61.  No surprises there! Lifes been hell.
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« Reply #242 on: December 13, 2009, 12:01:51 PM »

I just worked on radical acceptance this morning and had a really positive experience.  My score 5 days ago was 34.  Today it is 23.  Just shows me that there is a daily variation in perspective to this stuff.  
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« Reply #243 on: December 13, 2009, 02:19:50 PM »

Scored 54. I guess it's understandable, rough times.
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« Reply #244 on: December 13, 2009, 03:48:11 PM »



Scored 50 and I think that's pretty good for me as it might be a little high but this is the best I've felt for years.

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« Reply #245 on: December 14, 2009, 09:37:01 AM »

I am very happy to announce that I have reclaimed my progress and am now at a 6.   Being cool (click to insert in post)   My life circumstances haven't changed but my perspective and response to them has.  If anyone is interested, I have been working this year on the techniques I learned in the book, Feeling Good, by David Burns.  I also do a daily devotional out of The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, and I've been bit by bit working on Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. 

I feel like I have been building a comfy little brick cottage this last year and a half.  My foundation was Acceptance:  Of reality, of myself, of others, of where I was at any given moment.  Regardless of how dysfunctional, sad, angry, or whatever I felt, I gave myself permission to just be me.  I've been building brick by brick, taking my time, not in a hurry, carefully selecting each brick.  If I don't like how something turns out, if I built too many windows in a wall, or not enough, I can reconsider, remove, rearrange.  I like how it is coming together.  It is a labor of love.
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« Reply #246 on: December 15, 2009, 08:18:22 AM »

I am very happy to announce that I have reclaimed my progress and am now at a 6.   Being cool (click to insert in post)   My life circumstances haven't changed but my perspective and response to them has.  If anyone is interested, I have been working this year on the techniques I learned in the book, Feeling Good, by David Burns.  I also do a daily devotional out of The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, and I've been bit by bit working on Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. 

I feel like I have been building a comfy little brick cottage this last year and a half.  My foundation was Acceptance:  Of reality, of myself, of others, of where I was at any given moment.  Regardless of how dysfunctional, sad, angry, or whatever I felt, I gave myself permission to just be me.  I've been building brick by brick, taking my time, not in a hurry, carefully selecting each brick.  If I don't like how something turns out, if I built too many windows in a wall, or not enough, I can reconsider, remove, rearrange.  I like how it is coming together.  It is a labor of love.

ellefun2, what a wonderful, visual analogy, building a comfy little brick cottage! I'd like to do that, too, and with a little English flower garden, and vegetables and herbs growing, butterflies and hummingbirds flitting about, a nice cat on the hearth, windows open to the summer breeze. A white picket fence... .maybe even with a view of the sea... .ahhh!  Smiling (click to insert in post) xoxo

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« Reply #247 on: December 15, 2009, 08:21:59 AM »

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS PEACE!
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« Reply #248 on: December 15, 2009, 08:24:43 AM »

I just worked on radical acceptance this morning and had a really positive experience.  My score 5 days ago was 34.  Today it is 23.  Just shows me that there is a daily variation in perspective to this stuff.  

NewPhoenixRising, I can't figure out how everyone can take the test more than once. I keep getting nothing but the percentages graph when I click the link. Someone here said I can only take it once. Can someone please enlighten me as to how to access the test, and take it again? Or just send me the test and/or correct link to my email: mermaid7seas@gmail.com
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« Reply #249 on: December 15, 2009, 08:29:10 AM »

Mermaid, when you click on the Topic: Test, you get the percentage graph.  Just scroll down to Skip's first post from there.  The test is in his first post.  You just have to write the answers down and report your score. 
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« Reply #250 on: December 15, 2009, 08:48:21 AM »

Mermaid, when you click on the Topic: Test, you get the percentage graph.  Just scroll down to Skip's first post from there.  The test is in his first post.  You just have to write the answers down and report your score. 

Thanks, NewPhoenixRising. Got it. My abysmal score: 64. Yikes! Need to make some changes, and fast! 

*I really wish the test also included some comment on what the range of scores mean, and suggestions about how one can go about improving the score, ala Oprah. (50-65: Situation FUBAR. Go NC or LC now!
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« Reply #251 on: December 17, 2009, 07:09:50 AM »

Hi all, My score is 22, mild depression. This is far better than some months ago where I was quite depressed. Therapy, change in life style, doing more things I love and thinking more about myself - and last but not least bpdfamily have given me encouragement and got me going again.

Thanks for your support.
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« Reply #252 on: December 23, 2009, 11:20:31 AM »

I'm at 65. I guess I'm being badly triggered by my current financial stress - facing bankruptcy, working a temp contract and looking at more jobhunting and more uncertainty once the contract is up. I always find unemployment very, very stressful, and the bankruptcy is really freaking me out.

I'm also adjusting to NC with Mom, and although the feeling was mutual, her "banishment" of me still really hurts. I'm very, very sad at having to let go of her for good, and of all my hopes for the relationship. I feel very alone in the world right now. My friends have been very supportive, but it's still a tough thing to get over for me.
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« Reply #253 on: December 23, 2009, 11:33:34 PM »

I just realized that I am a 4!

Sweet not depressed!

But 6 months ago or so it would have been really bad, so its much nicer now a days
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« Reply #254 on: December 29, 2009, 08:25:13 AM »

I have just taken the test for the second time my score today is 87 and i am feeling totally and utterlly drained... .really bad few days and horrible few weeks in fact from uBPD H!  Some of the things he said to me yesterday were that : - I am such a lazy hit_, no wonder my parents and sister don't want anything to do with me look at the state of me, I stink, I am a horrible lazy hit_ and he can't believe he's married to such a lazy hit_ and why don't i just go and hang myself somewhere... .so the thought occurs why don't i do just that?  only thing stopping me at the present time is i have two daughters and already i feel guilty for wanting to selfishly take my life and end this horrible nightmare existance-i try and try and never get anything right.  He kicked my coffee over and took the sandwich off me said I didn't deserve to eat his food which he pays for - maybe i don't.   Therapy starts on 12th January 2010 - i am hanging on by the fingertips right now just praying I can get through New Year!
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« Reply #255 on: December 29, 2009, 09:31:46 AM »

jen, call the suicide hotline, or go to a hospital and check yourself in.  If you are that high, you really need help.  You are at serious risk.   Your life is worth living and you need to hang on until you can get yourself there.  I am very serious.  Reach out for help.  Take your kids to the hospital with you if you have to. 
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« Reply #256 on: December 29, 2009, 10:26:59 AM »

Yes, Jen, NPR is right.  Just for today, take care of yourself the best you can!
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« Reply #257 on: December 29, 2009, 12:58:01 PM »

 Jen

Your life sounds miserable and you sound very depressed.

Is it possible for you to go to a hospital and talk about this? Once you are alone with a social worker or other safe person, you can let them know that you are so sad and you need help. Its also important that you tell them about the thoughts you have regarding taking your own life.

Your husband is  emotionally abusive and this has worn you down terribly.

Please do take some steps to take care of you.

Stepg
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« Reply #258 on: January 08, 2010, 08:55:23 AM »

21 today despite landing a job that I am very excited about and will resume my career.  Unfortunately, it coincides with the same weekend that my gf and her son are moving out.  (We are working out some things.  She has been either been actively in the military herself, living with me, or married to someone in the military all but two years since graduating high school.  And those two (separate) years were spent at her mothers getting back on her feet after two separations).  So she wants to have the experience of being self-sufficient so she knows that she does not have to be dependent.  Also, we will both be working on our own issues in this time.  Because we will both be working full-time jobs (and I will also be maintaining self-employment part-time) and will both be taking classes (her full-time, me part-time), I have my doubts that we will have time enough to work on our relationship issues.  I have told her this from the start, and still feel this way, although I still love her and I know she still loves me.
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« Reply #259 on: January 08, 2010, 09:40:05 AM »

I have just taken the test for the second time my score today is 87 and i am feeling totally and utterlly drained... .really bad few days and horrible few weeks in fact from uBPD H!  Some of the things he said to me yesterday were that : - I am such a lazy hit_, no wonder my parents and sister don't want anything to do with me look at the state of me, I stink, I am a horrible lazy hit_ and he can't believe he's married to such a lazy hit_ and why don't i just go and hang myself somewhere... .so the thought occurs why don't i do just that?  only thing stopping me at the present time is i have two daughters and already i feel guilty for wanting to selfishly take my life and end this horrible nightmare existance-i try and try and never get anything right.  He kicked my coffee over and took the sandwich off me said I didn't deserve to eat his food which he pays for - maybe i don't.   Therapy starts on 12th January 2010 - i am hanging on by the fingertips right now just praying I can get through New Year!

Jen,

I see from your profile you are undecided about your relationship. You need to get out of it, and you don't need to wait until Jan 12 and pay a therapist $150 an hour to find that out. This man is destroying you. Whatever emotional attachment you have to him, is that more important than your life? He has you completely brainwashed to think you don't deserve better, can't get better, etc. You can.

I was once in the same place as you. I was severely clinically depressed with some suicidal ideation (which I never told anyone at the time). Once you get in that place, you literally can't think. You can't see the obvious, or at least you don't want to or are very much afraid to. You feel helpless and like pain is what you were destined to live.

None of that is true. You deserve better, you will find better, it is not helpless, you are not destined to live a life of pain, etc. This man is all of those things, and what he has done is project it onto you for so long it has brainwashed you.

I agree with others -- get professional help immediately. But at the same time, get this man out of your life -- the sooner the better. If you are clinically depressed, it is not likely you will recover without medical intervention. I'm not talking about the psych ward or hospitalization. It will more than likely be a a prescription for an SSRI (probably LexaPro) along with therapy. But even with medical assistance, you won't recover with him still in a  position to do this to you. His negative influence on your mental health is greater than any pharmaceutical and therapist combined. There is no drug or therapy that can make you happy and mentally healthy in a highly abusive relationship.
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kj1234
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« Reply #260 on: January 08, 2010, 12:23:08 PM »

Dropped back down to 18, lowest so far for me.  I think it goes up and down.  That's ok with me, as long as the overall trend is steadily down.
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« Reply #261 on: January 09, 2010, 11:52:08 PM »

7 for me.  I got a call from enSis which made me a little sad. And still working on that selfesteem but I generally think things are on the upswing. 
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« Reply #262 on: January 11, 2010, 08:03:12 PM »

Yay - got a 13 today. After starting in the Severe to Extreme category, it is so nice to measure how I am feeling these days! I'm so busy with a 2 year old and 4 year old that difficulty sleeping, increase/decrease in appetite and feeling tired are probably quite normal!
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« Reply #263 on: January 19, 2010, 12:43:44 PM »

I've only been on this site for about 3 weeks, DH is still undiagnosed (except by me), and I'm waiting to see if he will keep his psychiatrist appointment in a month.  My score is 40 right now.   Praying for lower numbers soon!

JDoe
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« Reply #264 on: January 21, 2010, 02:41:52 PM »

Just saw this post- don't know how I missed it.

  Took the test.  Got a 38- how depressing !

   I didn't think I was that down, but I guess I am- funny. I'm way better than I was a few months ago as I'm learning to live with the losses.
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« Reply #265 on: January 21, 2010, 06:01:48 PM »

I fared 32. I don't feel depressed though. According to the question you posted, I should. I feel that I have better tools now than a few weeks ago to address the situation.  I am scared of the future but not paralyzed. Not sure why I fared so low.
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« Reply #266 on: January 23, 2010, 04:48:09 AM »

I scored 45... .moderately depressed which is true. I've already established that fact. I've been much worse in my life. I'm lessl than 24 hours NC but I left uBPxh in June. It's going on 8 months now that I've been out of his house. He has been relentless in his quest to "win" me back. Either making crazy threats or putting me up on the pedestal verbally. Both are re-engagements and manipulations.  I have not made al move to rebuild my social life. I dated a man four or five times and had a very nice time. Then BP put on the full court press and I gave in to see him occasionally. Now I have told him to not call or come by or make contact at all anymore. I know it's the best thing but it does leave me feeling raw.

I do run at least 3 times a week and usually more. It's my saving grace I guess. I'm able to de-stress through exercise. I take myself to a movie occasionally or go to the book store/coffee bar. I visit my FOO four hours away when I can. That's the extent of my life ourside of going to work. Thank God I work nights or I really would be in a mess as some of my nights are occupied at least. I have turned down many invitations to go to dinner etc with friends from work. I just don't "feel" up to it somehow. I know I am going to have to "make" myself go at some point. I don't have children and like I said I'm four hours away from family so I am pretty much alone here. I'm surviving but that isn't going to be enough for very long. I don't care about the bar scene, I'm not really a churchy person. I don't know where to meet people except at work.
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« Reply #267 on: January 24, 2010, 08:47:14 PM »

21, but I'm currently fighting a head cold and am quite run down from that. I'm only 2 weeks back into the light, so to speak, and I think re-acclimating to a normal diet and exercise program may have knocked my immunities down. So, I'm reporting in with a 'conditional' 21  .
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« Reply #268 on: January 24, 2010, 11:01:43 PM »

Huh! 21! Last time I was over 26 (don't remember which but it tells me what category I was in). I remember it was in the 20's but still an improvement.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

<edit> I had made a post - I was 35 in early December. Apparently I had a good weekend or week or something. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #269 on: January 26, 2010, 09:56:47 PM »

I wonder how valid this test is. I took it a week ago and I scored a 38. Took it today and I scored a 16.

Had a few sleepless nights last week. I went to find my BPDs and saw him for the first time since July.

Only saw him about a minute, but he looked good. Didn't converse, but it gave me some relief to know he seems to be physically healthy.

Maybe that's why the huge swing. Relief?
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« Reply #270 on: January 26, 2010, 10:43:01 PM »

Hey, I tested 23 today. That's a lot better than 32 a week ago... .I think the LC works
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« Reply #271 on: January 27, 2010, 05:47:37 AM »

I just took the test and scored 71!  I had my third counselling session yesterday although we just touched on some CBT but my therapist thinks that I need some other kind of counselling and will be making a referal - however she is in her words trying to "get me going".  She showed me how my emotions are controlling my behaviour which although I can see it when it's written in front of me and I have researched lots and lots of things to try and get myself going I just can't seem to put the effort in - I feel drained, and washed out most of the time.  I would really like to be able to sleep.  A good thing though I am not thinking about ending it anymore... .I know that I CAN get better - I want to feel happiness, peace, joy, fulfilment, loved, be motivated I want to live my life so I guess that I WANT this for me is a good start?  We talked a lot about depression and I can't actually remember not feeling this way although I must have - my memory is really bad.

I was supposed to be starting volunteering this week for the Citizens Advice Bureau here in the UK BUT I had my induction last Friday and since then panic has set in, fear of failing, fear of not being able to cope, fear of being shouted at, fear of being in an office - all the anxiety I expressed following being bullied at work have impounded on me greatly but that's all I know - office work & to make things worse working for solicitors since the age of 16 - I withdrew from helping with CAB and now I feel that I let myself down and the CAB but it would have been much worse for me actually going along and having another breakdown!I don't feel strong enough to keep coming back from the depths of depression!  This time I have to really work on my mental health and get back to some kind of living - I need to find me - do any of you feel lost inside your body?
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« Reply #272 on: January 27, 2010, 07:19:45 AM »

14

Self Esteem- or lack of it, is the story of my life

Shame- a guiding force in MY life, replaced only by allowing God to restore me.  My shame causes my self will to run riot, so as not to face the demons, flaws, etc.  Only "cure" for me is alignment with Him.  Now I am coming out of the tunnel and breathing fresh air.  DBT training helps hugely!

Eleni
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« Reply #273 on: February 07, 2010, 10:33:29 PM »

I got a 57. Yes, I know I've been really depressed. I need to get myself out of this depression.
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« Reply #274 on: February 07, 2010, 11:27:02 PM »

Scored 23 (3-4 months after break-up, broke up end of Sept but Friends with Benefits until Nov)

NC since first week of Jan... .it made all the difference in my score which was way up there in Dec... .
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