Part 2 I genuinely feel as if I am not going to get over this person

[clvrnn]

This is a continuation of another post. Part 1 can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335131.new#new

It's now been 7 days since I last attempted to contact her with no response, and I think two weeks since she has spoken to me at all.

I suppose the more time that passes, the less I feel it’s likely that she’ll come back or talk to me again. We now don’t have any university together for five months so we have no reason to be physically near each other. I find myself sometimes confused – maybe it’s simply that she doesn’t want to continue, and there’s no other outcome. Maybe I’m stupid to believe that her pushing me away means that her feelings were just too much for her.

The problem is just that since I’ve known her, even from when we met a year ago, that she always pushes and pulls me away. Even from before we started dating, she would do this. I find it hard to then train my mind into “OK, it’s over” when she has withdrawn from me so many times before. I’ve been through other break ups where this doesn’t happen, where the person will just go, and that’s it. I just wish I knew what she was feeling or thinking. I feel as if she’s just forgotten me and all the time we spent together, or that she dislikes me, or whatever other negative things people think.

I still don’t really even know why she said we could be friends, but then just started distancing herself from me. I feel like most people just say what they want quite clearly, but that didn’t make any sense. If I’d just been told, OK, look I don’t think we should talk anymore – then yes, I could understand and process that. I’m not blaming her entirely, but because of how she has always been with me, the inconsistency, the push/pull – I find it really really hard to stay in one mindset about this situation.

And again, I will have to see her in September, and I really don’t want to even think about how I’m going to feel when I see her. This could all be so different had I just never had to see her again. It feels like this situation just goes in circles, to be honest.

I also feel a huge disconnect between the bad elements of her behaviour towards me and the ways in which she was nice, and those bad elements really did affect me significantly yet it seems as if I've forgotten them - my mind seems to have taken on an "it wasn't that bad" narrative. I'm finding this situation so confusing and hard to deal with.

I even recognise that at this point, these are all my own feelings and she isn't actually doing anything to me, but it's all still so difficult to process.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JNChell]

The song was for you. You’re hurting over her not responding. I’m sorry about that. It sucks. It hurts. Would you like to talk about other things. Hobbies,  interests? Or talk about her. I’m glad to listen  either way.

[once removed]

i dont see why its necessarily unlikely that youll hear from her. this has happened before, right? and the two of you still have a class together, right?

i can see why, if she wants space, that she would take her time. its always "easier" for the person in that position, than the person on the receiving end of it.

I find it hard to then train my mind into “OK, it’s over” when she has withdrawn from me so many times before.

i can understand and relate to this.

i think that puts your agency in her hands, though.

you can decide to let go of hope. to decide you want something different.

you can decide that if she comes back and wants a relationship eventually or immediately, that youre going to approach and navigate it very differently, though even that is not a guarantee.

you can decide that the two of you make better friends...good friends, casual friends, whatever kind of friends. and decide what your investment and boundaries are going to be in that situation.

you dont have to decide any of it today. but you have control and autonomy.

[clairbell]

I'm so sorry you're going through such pain. I am feeling THE SAME WAY about my husband. It is torture. They say time will heal, one day we can look back at how we made it through the pain. I'm so sorry. Keeping busy has helped me somewhat, but I still am suffereing with night terrors and extreme anxiety.

[clvrnn]

Once Removed,


Yes, we do have a class together, and yes, this has happened before. I suppose it’s slightly different on this occasion in that this has happened before quite a long break from university and our class has always been the thing to bring us back together – she tends to distance herself from me before breaks (as happened last time).

I would understand had she requested ‘space’ as such, but it’s more that she just began avoiding me. This started after we had quite a severe argument in which she became very angry over the phone. This was after a day in which I’d tried to talk to her about how I felt. She had wanted to be friends, platonic friends. I had tried to do this with her, and it had left me feeling slightly upset.

We'd been hanging out at university, but obviously boundaries had been set. I had decided that I was going to talk to her, and tell her that I wasn’t able to be friends for now, and that I needed some space.

What then happened was I messaged her, asking if I could talk to her. She asked me what it was about, and told me, quite bluntly, that if it was anything to do with her, she didn’t want to hear it. I realise now that she thought I was going to try and convince her to take me back, which wasn't the case. I realise this due to how defensive she was becoming during this conversation.

I then tried to tell her that I wasn’t comfortable being friends with her right now, because of how difficult I was finding it, and she became even angrier, and began writing in capital letters, swearing and just being very angry in general - quite a departure from how she usually is with me.

Perhaps I should not have told her how I felt, but at this stage I was just trying to be honest, which she has always maintained is something she wanted from me. I felt frustrated at the shutting down of my feelings – this is something she has regularly done within the relationship and sometimes it does leave me feeling stifled and unable to express myself.

Then later, she called me, and she was still quite angry. I can’t remember what was said, but I do remember that she was just very angry and began listing things about me that she viewed as ‘wrong’ and was blaming me for a lot of things that were caused by both of us. She then hung up and blocked me.

The next morning she unblocked me, and said that we could ‘start afresh and forget about all of this’. The next few times I saw her she was very closed off, despite sitting next to me. She didn’t seem to want to talk to me, and that is where, really the silence began. I tried a couple of times to interact with her over messaging, apologising for how things went, and she didn’t respond.

So, I can imagine maybe that this conflict has left her feeling anxious, or maybe she has changed her mind about wanting to start again. She has been talking to everyone at university and being much more upbeat and outgoing than she previously has, but avoiding/ignoring me.

I don’t feel, on this occasion, that I did anything really wrong. I had to go through the rage she exhibited towards me at her sister’s house, then the incident on the phone, then being avoided everywhere. I never seem to receive an apology from her, or any remorse.

But yes, I really feel that things might be a bit different this time. It’s hard for me to really tell what’s happening. I do have my own agency, yes. I feel as if I do miss her and want to continue things, and I want to reach out again but I am worried about receiving no response or an angry one. I really don’t know what action to take, next.

[JNChell]

She’s avoided you before because you had concerns?

[clvrnn]

She’s avoided you before because you had concerns?

Concerns? I'm unsure what you're referring to?

[once removed]

What then happened was I messaged her, asking if I could talk to her. She asked me what it was about, and told me, quite bluntly, that if it was anything to do with her, she didn’t want to hear it.
...
Perhaps I should not have told her how I felt, but at this stage I was just trying to be honest

it seems like the talks may feel too heavy for her.

there are more subtle ways to communicate these things sometimes, that gets the message across just as well. for example, if youre not comfortable being friends and need some space for a while, you can take that space. pull away, be less responsive...if you do so consistently (but not passive aggressively) most people will intuitively get the hint and back off.

[clvrnn]

it seems like the talks may feel too heavy for her.

there are more subtle ways to communicate these things sometimes, that gets the message across just as well. for example, if youre not comfortable being friends and need some space for a while, you can take that space. pull away, be less responsive...if you do so consistently (but not passive aggressively) most people will intuitively get the hint and back off.

I think that's true, that it is too heavy for her and she may have felt engulfed or pressured. I wish that she had just reacted in a different way, and not with anger - I often approach her in a very calm way and her anger makes the situation a lot more tense and fraught than it needs to be. She threatens me with blocking, ignoring, uses expletives - that was the first time I had really tried to address how I felt with her.

Not to place all the blame on her, but really, I do a lot of working around her needs and feelings - I find that there are minimal compromises made for me and my needs. It's very hard and oftentimes exhausting to keep trying to meet the needs of someone who makes little to no effort to do the same.


 

[clvrnn]

Once Removed (or anyone else)

If I wanted to reach out to her again, what sort of approach should I take?

I feel slightly worried that the longer I leave it, the less likely it is she will want to engage. Again, the same old worry of perhaps it's just over is arising.

I do find that this is more painful than I'd expected it to be, really.

[once removed]

If I wanted to reach out to her again, what sort of approach should I take?

super light, and upbeat. something that doesnt expect a response.

maybe some bit of news, some funny thing related to something the two of you share/are interested in.

[clvrnn]

super light, and upbeat. something that doesnt expect a response.

maybe some bit of news, some funny thing related to something the two of you share/are interested in.

OK, maybe send a song with "hey, thought you might like this", or something...? We'd send each other songs all the time.

[once removed]

something like that. id choose a fun one, over an emotional one or anything with real meaning. the key is to thaw the ice.

[clvrnn]

something like that. id choose a fun one, over an emotional one or anything with real meaning. the key is to thaw the ice.

Well, I was just going to send an instrumental, something I think she'd be into.

I don't know, though, if this is something I'll do right now. I had thought a little bit more about contacting her, and the consequences it may have for myself.

I think there's a risk of being ignored again, which may trigger my own attachment injuries - I've only really just discovered these, so I'm not 100% confident in handling them, right now.

Also, I do think that... maybe it's wise to take a bit more time out. I think that she can be quite hurtful at times, and has been in the past. I think by willingly contacting her again it's sending the message that I'm sort of 'back for more', in a way.

I feel very conflicted. I'd like to re-establish contact, but I'd hoped it would be her that would reach out, and not that I'd have to do it. I also think that she is expecting me to continue to reach out, and I don't know if I want to confirm that opinion of myself by doing so.

Also, someone did say (and I do know) that this pattern is likely to continue, and only increase in intensity.

But, yes, my feelings for her are still very strong - I'll have to think on this some more, maybe.

Lol, it looks as if there are a lot of things stopping me from getting in touch with her, here!

[once removed]

i think when in doubt, its best to hold off. no need to act right now.

you were the last one to reach out, right?

[clvrnn]

i think when in doubt, its best to hold off. no need to act right now.

you were the last one to reach out, right?

Yes, I was. Last week, I think it was.

[Sufferingsoul34]

How are you doing now? I am in the same situation. Day one since leaving my wife and it’s probably the most depressed I’ve ever been, Will this pain ever end?

[clvrnn]

How are you doing now? I am in the same situation. Day one since leaving my wife and it’s probably the most depressed I’ve ever been, Will this pain ever end?

Hey,

I suppose I still feel the same, if I'm honest. I've accepted that there isn't a lot I can do right now, and I think, in general. She struggles with closeness and intimacy quite clearly more than I thought, and I'm questioning now whether I even want to go back to her (if that was an option).

Did you say that you go to the gym? How's that going?

[Sufferingsoul34]

I have been going yes and that helped a lot last weeks now I haven’t slept last night because I was flying and I am jetlagged do emotions are all over the place. My first night in bed without her tonight and I am dreading it.

I think it’s a good sign if you are already contemplating if you want her back, I have never reached that stage and always wanted mine even after our max 3 month separation which happened last year.

[clvrnn]

I have been going yes and that helped a lot last weeks now I haven’t slept last night because I was flying and I am jetlagged do emotions are all over the place. My first night in bed without her tonight and I am dreading it.

I think it’s a good sign if you are already contemplating if you want her back, I have never reached that stage and always wanted mine even after our max 3 month separation which happened last year.

Keep up with going, I used to go and it really helps even if it is a huge effort to do so.

Do you think there's anything you can do to try and make this first night in bed without her less stressful? I remember when I had a partner leave after living together it was so difficult, I used to just watch YouTube until I fell asleep - maybe you could try something similar, so that you're not just left with your thoughts?

If she didn't have all of these issues with intimacy I'd get back with her in a second, but I have just read all of my old posts about her on here and she's done precisely this already, even down to the period of silence between us. She's also push/pulled since I've known her as a person in general. I do care about her immensely, but it's really clear that she will never stop doing this, and I really have to consider how I would be able to deal with it, I suppose.