BPD Son brings the whole family down and I'm not sure I'm doing right by him

[LostMa]

My young adult son is living home and he has ADHD and BPD. Help! I am not sure if I am doing right by him. He is a college graduate and says he can't work. He has been living home for over a year and he has been in therapy, in resident treatment homes, outpatient intensive DBT programs, and still not better. I'm at a loss. My husband says he needs to live somewhere else. He brings the whole family down.  Everyone is so worried about him. I don't know what to do anymore. We have tried everything. I can't afford a private pay treatment center.  He is undergoing neurofeedback and biofeedback. I'm spending a fortune on this and I don't see him getting better. He sits in his room on his computer and phone. He refuses to get a job, go to the gym or do anything healthy.  He says he can't until he gets better. What he doesn't understand is that he needs to start doing to get better.  I don't know what to do.  Please help.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi LostMa and

It really sounds like you have a full plate and I'm really glad you reached out for support here. I saw your post as I was preparing to walk out the door so I don't have a lot of time but wanted to welcome you here and assure you that you have found a safe place to talk about what's going on. I'm sure others will be along shortly, we've a great group of parents here in similar journeys.

Again, welcome!

~ OH

[stampingt1]

Welcome Lost Ma:

It's awesome that he is a college graduate. You didn't mention if he's currently on meds. It sounds like you have already tried a lot of things. What about counseling for yourself?

It might be time for some "tough love" & "some fake it until you make it". Might try giving him a 6 month deadline for moving out. That way he could start looking for a job & a place to live.

Good luck & 

ST1

[FaithHopeLove]

I join Stampin and Only Human in welcoming you to the board and assuring you that you have come to the right place for help. Maybe the best place to start is looking at your self care. Many of us have found that while we cannot change our children we can change ourselves and that helps both us and them. Reading eggshells was great self care. What else do you think might help you?

[Mirsa]

Hi LostMa,

Welcome!  I have a friend who has a son with social anxiety and he uses that as an excuse (in my opinion) to not take those small steps towards a life of independence.  He too is sitting in his bedroom, waiting for a miracle, while his dad compromises his retirement savings by endlessly supporting him, taking him to therapy (as he refuses to learn to drive), doctor appointments, meds, etc. etc.  It sounds as though you understand that each small step helps him make the next step towards both independence and wellness.  Part-time job leads to confidence, leads to full-time job, leads to savings, etc. etc.   

Others I've seen in this quandary seem to develop a plan to help their child take the steps to adulthood.  I think my friend may start to work with a therapist on this.  They set up clear guideposts and time frames:  you must get a part-time job by ____.  If you do not have one by _____________, then we will _______________.   I've even heard of some families having to resort to an eviction process to get their children moved out!   I've also read several post/blogs from adult children who thanked their parents for that tough love, saying it was exactly what they needed to pull themselves together. 

It's a tricky line when 'loving support' turns into 'enabling' and only you will be able to figure out where that line is and whether it's been crossed, and then what you want to do about it.

Best wishes, we're here for you!
Mirsa

[Kiss]

Mirsa, you sound woke on this whole thing; love your feedback, sounds like the same stuff i'm going through with my 25 year old, my oldest son.  You guys ever heard of FA meetings?  How about Alanon or NAMI?  I always find that these groups have threads of good stuff in them, pieces I can relate to (my son's official diagnosis is anti-social pd) but other parts don't fit.  LMK group, best to all, Tim.