Partner and Mother with BPD

[KCP]

Hey there!

I'm new to this site, and I'm not really sure where to start.
I grew up in a household with a mother that lives with OCD and BPD. Her OCD manifests in wiping surfaces around the house and constantly cleaning. As a child I wasn't allowed to be in certain rooms, and she usually followed me around with a cloth, wiping wherever I went. My dad passed away when I was 12, which was hard for the obvious reasons but also because it was difficult to be left with my mother. I developed a serious eating disorder in highschool, and have continue to struggle with restrictive eating behaviours well into my mid 20s.
I have now been dating a woman diagnosed with BPD for about a year and a half. She told me that she lives with BPD when we first started dating, and also that she is in recovery from being an alcoholic. We have our really great days, and also our really horrible days. The reason I felt compelled to join this group is because I often feel like I have to have some sort of script to speak with her when she's upset. For example, this morning she woke up very cranky and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around her until she had to go to work. We barely talked because when we did talk it seemed like she was trying to make me cranky. She went to work, and then texted me that she had been crying for hours and she wished I would have hugged her before she left.
It's super frustrating that I never know what mood to expect from her on any given day, and it seems like her moods can change at the drop of a hat. I'm feeling really tired of always making sure I don't set her off, how do other people cope with this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi KCP and welcome to the board!  I am glad you found us.  You will get support and advice here as well as an opportunity to learn some communication and coping skills that can make things easier/better for you. 

It can be very difficult to have a partner with BPD after having grown up in a home with a pwBPD or any other disorder (pwBPD = person with BPD).  My mom was mentally ill and I had my own triggers to deal with when I was in a relationship with my ex.  BTW, if you ever want to talk about childhood stuff, check out the PSI (Parent, Sibling, In-Law) board.  Do you find that some of your girlfriends present behaviors brings up old stuff?

It's super frustrating that I never know what mood to expect from her on any given day, and it seems like her moods can change at the drop of a hat. I'm feeling really tired of always making sure I don't set her off, how do other people cope with this?

Carefully.    Seriously, it takes time to learn new ways to communicate and to see what works best for your situation but the people on this board focus on bettering their situation regardless of the relationship status so you are in the right place.  For pwBPD, feelings equal facts so it can be hard to understand sudden mood changes and some of what they may say. 

You might find this a good article to read through and then we can talk about it if you want:  A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

In the meantime, settle in, read and jump into other threads and ask questions, support others etc.  We all help each other and we all have something to offer.