He has physically assaulted the cats while in a drunken rage - Part 2

[Theperfectsky]

Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334998.0

He wants to act like we are roommates where he orders his own food and I cook or get my own and for the children. Its so disrespectful. We are supposed to be a family. Idk how to deal with this every month. Its exhausting. Im the type of person who wants to talk and doesnt like conflict

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear how tough things are.  Constantly being set back to square one by threats to end the relationship is hard to bear.  Many of us have been there.  You need more support.  Al-anon may feel scary to go to for the first time, but you can do it.  Go to this Web site to find a meeting:

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/

At the beginning of the meeting, they ask newcomers to introduce themselves.  You just say your name.  In the last ten minutes of the meeting, they ask newcomers if they want to talk.  If you don't want to, you don't have to say anything.  At the end, a couple people will probably come up to you and welcome you.  Try a few different meetings; they each have a different feel to them, and you'll probably find one that you like best.  Does this sound doable?  If you have any questions, let us know.

RC

[Theperfectsky]

What is al-anon exactly? Idk when I could find the time. Because I would have to ask him to watch the children .. ..

[Radcliff]

Al-anon is similar to AA in that it is a 12-step program, but it's intended for the family members of folks with addictions.  Whatever out-of-control things your partner is doing, there are folks at a meeting near you who've experienced the same thing from their partners.  You can connect with peers, as well as women 5, 10, or 20 years farther along than you who can act as mentors.  The meetings are largely folks sharing for a few minutes at a time.  In a given meeting, maybe 20% of the people share.  Sometimes there's a reading activity, or a speaker tells their story.  It might sound intimidating to walk into a room of strangers, but that's what it's set up for, and other than saying your name once or twice along with the other folks, you can be totally silent and just observe for a while.  Al-anon has reading materials that teach coping skills that have some overlap with what we teach here, in particular learning to work on boundaries and not trying to control things we can't control.

Most meetings don't have child care, but a few do.  It's worth looking on that search link for ones that list child care, and also asking around to see if there are others that have child care but don't list it.

Whether you're dealing with substance abuse, BPD, domestic violence, or all three, breaking your isolation and learning coping tools is going to be the key to making things better.  I believe Al-anon could really help you.

RC

[Turkish]

Yea idk what I did but hes sleeping on the couch. I tried talking to him. Asking him what he's upset about. He said just leave me alone. You would think I did something terrible with him sleeping on the couch and not talking to me. This is crazy... I hate when people are upset with me and then not knowing why. Ugh.

My ex was sleeping on the couch.  I tried validating, which she said I sucked at ("bad communicator"). She told me angrily she didn't want to talk about it. Silly me, I was doing what she criticized my lack of.  I backed out of the room and let her sleep it off, even though I resented her for rejecting doing what she criticized me for not doing.

Do you have a safety plan for you and the kids?

[Theperfectsky]

My ex was sleeping on the couch.  I tried validating, which she said I sucked at ("bad communicator"). She told me angrily she didn't want to talk about it. Silly me, I was doing what she criticized my lack of.  I backed out of the room and let her sleep it off, even though I resented her for rejecting doing what she criticized me for not doing.

Do you have a safety plan for you and the kids?

Hey Turkish. I actually left a few weeks ago. Sorry that I just saw your response. Ive made a couple of threads since. But things were just getting worse. He has refused to talk about what happened keeps saying that I took his daughter away. He did acknowledge that he shouldnt of acted the way he did in front of the children but thats about as much of an "apology" that I got. When other plans had fell through here I reached out to him telling him I just wanted to come home with his response being that he needed another week to think about things. I suggested we do no contact including sending pics or videos of our D. He has not honored that. It's been 3 days...well after today it will be. He's continued to ask for pics and vids of his daughter. Telling me to be an adult. If I don't respond he will get the law involved. I've still remained NC. he contacted his younger sister about all this which she then contacted me asking about L (my daughter) and i proceeded to tell her i left and everything that's going on with him. I haven't heard anything back. Which just shows me why he is the way he is because they avoid too. Anyways we are supposed to have a convo Friday when he gets off work. I had a break down last night in bed and wasnt able to sleep. Memories playing in my head like movies. My heart hurts. It's so unfair.