Mourning the loss that rationale, proof, reason would change things

[Pleasantville]

It’s funny... kind of...that I want to start this off by saying how crazy I feel. Like I’m in a candid camera TV show and someone is going to jump out and say surprise.. Gotcha!  About 3.5 years ago I started attending counciling and seeing A psychiatrist because I felt like a horrible wife, mother, employee and friend. I couldn’t do anything right and After 14 years together I sought help to improve myself so I could make my husband happy. I read books, made mood journals, listen to self help tapes all to be a better spouse and mother.  However, my choice to improve myself only made things worse... so very much worse. It started causing him to rage more frequently, typically when I tried to point out the irrationality of his thinking or the double standards or the complete rudeness of his behavior in kind ways. I was learning healthy styles of communication and trying my best to hopefully improve our relationship. . These insane rages were scary. It was like he became possessed. He would scream, yell so loud he was spittting, threaten divorce, throw things, and rage over ridiculous things. If I tried to calm him or speak he would scream at me to shut up using foul language. The things he would say were horrid. One time we were in the car and he started driving like a maniac with our son in the back seat. He swerved off the road punching the steering wheel and seat then leaped out of the car and started running down the road. I was scared and scared of him. I just drove to his parents house and he finally called me an hour later from a pay phone to pick him up.
He never apologizes to me for this behavior because it’s my fault... I pushed him, I made him angry, I was trying to control him. I’m the one who always apologizes. I apologize for everything... anything and everything in our life is my fault.
If I want anything it’s an automatic no with rationale of how it’s really not important. If I ask for help even in the best ways like do you think you could help me change the air filters or light bulbs in the next week. Small stuff... that I’m too short to do. It never gets done and heaven forbid I mention it again weeks later. After years of marriage and this unanswered response to help I’ve hired a handyman and try to schedule it when he is not home because he will send the handyman away and be angry at me saying I told you I would do it! This typically even if months have gone by. One min he is demanding that I tell him what I need done because he isn’t a mind reader and the next min he is screaming at me that I’m so controlling. I just don’t ask for anything anymore.  I’m damned if I do and if I don’t.
In counciling and with the doctor I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. I’m also dyslexic. I’ve been medicated for 3 years and it was like for most of my life I was driving around with really dirty windows. Medication cleaned my window and I was able to see and think more clearly. I know that my diagnosis comes with a host of problems by itself. I understand that it can be hard living with someone who forgets to close cabinets, put the cap on the milk and misplaces my keys and phone on a daily basis. My spouse has used this diagnosis to the max for more blaming and shaming. On top of being told I don’t load the dishwasher right, sweep, fold the laundry, speak to our kids, drive, clean, talk on the phone, eat (pop corn, chips etc) go to the bathroom correctly and a list far to long to write out correctly now I get well you know how your ADHD  and you know how forgetful you are etc. Do I forget things! Sure but no more than a normal person with 3 high maintenance boys with very little domestic assistance. But he loves to rub it in my face of how his life is endless suffering and having to accept unexpectable standards. I don’t want to down play that there are instances when he has a point. I’m a giver and a caretaker by nature. I give, help and plan in our family and extended family and frequently where myself out. I enjoy making others feel loved and special and sometimes I say yes to something when I should say no. I’ve gotten a lot better over the last year. I’m working on being able to say no (except to him), less volunteering, using schedules, and decluttering the house.
We have 3 children ages 13, 11,7 the oldest is high functioning autistic with ADHD, the middle is dyslexia with high anxiety and the younger has ADHD with Anxiety and they are all boys.
We both come from dysfunctional families with mental illness. We bonded over it... we understood what it was like to be in a crazy house. My mother was a borderline narcissist and my father a weak enabler. His father was a borderline narcissistic and his mother a very weak avoidant enabler in and out of psychiatric hospitals at least 2 times when my husband was very young. I know one stay was over 3 months when he was 4 years old. My husband became her golden boy. The perfect child that would never be like her husband. He would be the ultimate spouse and perfect father. He has heard this so many many times and he believes it with every ounce of his being. I’m not joking! He truly thinks he is absolutely perfect and if anyone disagrees then they must not understand or have poor skills. His answers  and ways of doing things are the most reasonable and rational ways and anything contrary to that well watch out! He is always “Helping” me with his daily insights on how to make me better. I’m open to help! I’m always looking to learn something new but it will be 9am and he is on helpful hint #15. He is a workaholic and can pretty much only take care of himself. He has never been to a doctors appt with the kids, and attended his first therapy session in 5 years with our 3 boys. I went through all of the diagnostics processes alone with all 3. I can’t tell you how emotionally draining, scary, and overwhelming it is to go through the process of diagnosis a child with autism by yourself. The neurologists, OT, speech, IEP, therapy, special schools, and meetings all by myself. I would come home and try to explain what the professionals recommended and I would be told that’s ridiculous! I asked that he come to the appointment with me so we could tackle this as a team... he would say of course! Then not show up. He has done things that are level 10 damage in relationships and will refuse to apologize. Cheating, talking to exgirlfriends (why he missed an appointment with our therapist when our 8 year old was suicidal) threatening divorce in an all out rage in front of our children and he NEVER apologizes. He always twists it to be my fault or that he was reacting to me or there is a rational excuse for his behavior. Worst of all... it mostly saved up all for me and occasionally our children. In front of friends and extend family he is Mr perfect who is just trying to survive living with a crazy wife. I’ve started trying to avoid him. I where headphones and listen to books on audio or music when he is home so I don’t have to hear his constant criticism. I know it bothers him...and I feel bad but I’m trying for self preservation. I feel guilty even writing this... like I’m insanely afraid he will see It somehow or that I’m betraying him. A big part of me still feels like everything is all my fault that I’m the broken one. The other small part of me that knows he has some pretty unhealthy habits is mourning the loss of what I thought could be... that someday I could get him to see things and have rational give and take communication. If I recorded our conversations and made notes of events and what happened I could get him to see things in a rational healthy way. But I can’t. Even on raging like a lunitac going on for 35 minutes straight uninterrupted emotional wife bashing with any and all put downs one after another. He has an excuse and is insanely angry that I make any attempt to document his behavior. He demanded to know if I sent it to anyone and that I get rid of it immediately!
I don’t know what to do anymore... I won’t get divorced... I can’t leave my kids alone with him or trust his new wife picking skills. If I’m here at least I can protect them and help them have some normalcy in their life. I want to be able to stop feeling hurt and crying... I’m tired of being so weak... what should I do! I need help building myself up with some postive behaviors so I have the strength to take care of my kids and my family. Are there steps? Or phrases I can say? Any advice for a newbie would be great. I’m pretty sad and just overwhelmed by it all. I’m pretty resilient and typically can keep chugging along. This is my first time in 40 years that I’m struggling to dust myself off and keep moving.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Ozzie101]

Pleasantville, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.   You really do have a LOT on your plate. Unfortunately, a lot of it is very familiar: the insane rages over little things, the divorce threats, the lack of apologies, the defensiveness. I dealt with all of those with my H. While I don't have ADHD or anxiety, when stressed, my H would still find ways to twist anything and everything around to being my fault. It was truly impressive sometimes to see how he could contort logic.

We do have a lot of resources here on this site -- as well as experience and just general emotional support. In your regular (non-cyber) life, do you have a support system? Family? Friends? A therapist or support group of any kind? That can be invaluable.

I'd encourage you to dig around some on the boards. The Library section has a lot of workshops and articles that I found very helpful. There are also Tips and Tools on the toolbar at the top of this page. It can seem hopeless but, really, there are things you can do to make your life more bearable. I saw it happen in my own marriage.

It can be overwhelming, I know. Do you think you could describe a recent conflict with your husband? What was said. How he reacted. How you reacted. That could give us an idea of how things usually go and may help us point you in a good direction.

Welcome to our family!