fallout from near disaster

[Depression = 72% of members]

I filed for divorce this past year with my BPD husband.  I found myself after 38 years of marriage literally going off a cliff mentally and emotionally.  It was a very hard year in every way.  It seemed I reached a tipping point where the stress drove me to 'crazy'. 
My BPD husband and I are now back together and facing the fallout.  This includes our children, who now seemingly want nothing to do with us.  We have had what I thought was a very close family including our children, their spouses and grandchildren.
I do not completely understand the dysfunction our children have experienced over the decades but am beginning to get an idea of it.  I am seeing my extreme codependence in that I have had boundaries run over time and time again.  I have been the one to hold the family together and felt somehow I was doing the honorable thing.  Well, now it seems that does not matter as our family is literally all over the place with high emotions, hurt, etc.
When I lost it this past fall, I shared details with my children about their dad.  In retrospect, perhaps I should not have protected them as much through the years.  They are very angry with me for sharing.  It seems perhaps they are also angry with me because I handled things poorly and they have been used to me being the one who held everything together.  I have been shocked at their reaction this past year and continue to be saddened by a lack of relationship with them.
All of this is very hard to deal with.  And I back to where I have been a million times before.  In a marriage where I find myself dealing with my BPD husband's high emotions, blaming, distancing, etc. etc etc. 
Open to advice on how to deal with children.  My oldest daughter is in therapy and is telling me we have had a enmeshed relationship and that she needs better boundaries with me.  I think I am getting an idea of what she means and how I have hurt her.  I believe I put all my hopes on my children throughout the years because I got nothing from my marriage.  It is killing me inside to know how I have hurt them and how they are withholding love and relationship with me at this point.

[lonely38]

I filed for divorce this past year with my BPD husband.  I found myself after 38 years of marriage literally going off a cliff mentally and emotionally.  It was a very hard year in every way.  It seemed I reached a tipping point where the stress drove me to 'crazy'. 
My BPD husband and I are now back together and facing the fallout.  This includes our children, who now seemingly want nothing to do with us.  We have had what I thought was a very close family including our children, their spouses and grandchildren.
I do not completely understand the dysfunction our children have experienced over the decades but am beginning to get an idea of it.  I am seeing my extreme codependence in that I have had boundaries run over time and time again.  I have been the one to hold the family together and felt somehow I was doing the honorable thing.  Well, now it seems that does not matter as our family is literally all over the place with high emotions, hurt, etc.
When I lost it this past fall, I shared details with my children about their dad.  In retrospect, perhaps I should not have protected them as much through the years.  They are very angry with me for sharing.  It seems perhaps they are also angry with me because I handled things poorly and they have been used to me being the one who held everything together.  I have been shocked at their reaction this past year and continue to be saddened by a lack of relationship with them.
All of this is very hard to deal with.  And I back to where I have been a million times before.  In a marriage where I find myself dealing with my BPD husband's high emotions, blaming, distancing, etc. etc etc. 
Open to advice on how to deal with children.  My oldest daughter is in therapy and is telling me we have had a enmeshed relationship and that she needs better boundaries with me.  I think I am getting an idea of what she means and how I have hurt her.  I believe I put all my hopes on my children throughout the years because I got nothing from my marriage.  It is killing me inside to know how I have hurt them and how they are withholding love and relationship with me at this point.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

what are the primary things your children are saying, the hurt they are expressing?

is it getting back together? is it sharing about their dad? both?

[lonely38]

They are frustrated with me with sharing info about their dad.  Also, they are frustrated and probably exhausted with hearing all the marital stuff and seeing the damage that has been done over the years.  My best guess is they are upset with me for not being able to hold it all together anymore.  They keep asking what happened to me and I have to go back and repeat that I 'fell off the cliff' and nearly lost my mind with the stress.  I am getting help for calming which I badly need but I can also see they are all hurting and need to know it is safe to be back in relationship with both myself and my BPD husband, their dad.

[once removed]

what have you said to them in response?