...was the cheating impulsive? or was she doing it for a while?
This is possibly a surf and turf issue... Decide not to decide. She may have been impulsively cheating chronically.
@Hiscaru You are presuming your actions had a direct bearing on hers. This is likely an erroneous and dangerous presumption.
Erroneous because lack of impulse control, lack object consistency, and dissociative episodes are part and parcel in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD.
Dangerous because this idea of you having directly contributed to her actions is not necessarily factual and this error might keep you stuck.
Once Removed has often said something to the effect of taking responsibility for our contributions in a dysfunctional relationship -this is of course good advice and completely necessary for healing and learning --but there might not be a direct correlation between your actions and her cheating.
I'm struggling to understand what I may have done that pushed her away. She cheated on me. Does this mean that I wasn't good enough for her or does it mean that she thought I was too good for her, or neither?
I am sorry you are in so much pain, it is palpable in reading the above statement. From my anecdotal experience (with a sample size of one...) Even if you could get her to tell you the God's honest truth she might not know why she cheated.
Hiscaru please keep reading and learning. One of the things I learned which helped me quite a bit was reading about a girl who would split her dog black. When split black the dog's appearance would change to her. BPD is a serious mental disorder which means someone suffering from it, with out the benefit of treatment, can literally see the world differently from reality as we know it. They do not have control over this -it is the world as they know it. This is why, in my opinion, without the support of serious psychological intervention we cannot love this disorder out of them.
I showed my ex boundless love, compassion and understanding. She loved me deeply, but this did not mean she could hold onto that love enough to stop her impulsive and destructive coping mechanisms. Cheating undermined my trust in her and created shame in her, which seemed to make her cling ever more tightly to her unhealthy coping behavior. This becomes a vicious downward spiral which ends badly in most cases.
this is a breakup board Hiscaru... ...there aren't going to be many people here in favor of contacting your ex... ...think about what you want to say and why.
Once Removed has given you sage advice. I will ask it this way Cui Bono? Who stands to gain? If you plan to contact her figure out why you wish to do this. Will it help you? Will it help her? Do you hope to reconcile your relationship? If so why? What might have changed which would make your relationship sustainable? She has cheated and broken up with you, this would add enormous weight to any future relationship.
If you were to begin your relationship with her again you are now both going to have immense fear of abandonment -believe me my relationship was a train wreck with only her having abandonment issues...
We speak about boundaries being important. What saved me from complete immolation was a boundary which is hardwired into my being. That boundary is the threat of breaking up and leaving me. It is not based on a fear of abandonment, but instead a fear of wasting time, a fear of losing myself and a fear of ultimate destruction. How can you build a life with someone who you know could leave you at any moment? How could you buy a home, have a child, plan a retirement...
Ok... I am likely much older than you are, but I was wired with the idea of having a healthy and lasting marriage. Even if I fail,
I have to know the possibility exists before I enter a relationship. This goes back to my very first girlfriend. As soon as it became apparent our relationship was not built to last I ended it --I am stubborn and optimistic to a fault it took 6 years for us to figure out we were not right for each other.
Wicker Man
