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Author Topic: Immigrant wife hates it here & our love’s faded but we have a kid  (Read 450 times)
Another_anon

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« on: April 17, 2019, 02:51:40 AM »

TLDR: not sure if my wife has BPD but she seems to have some traits.  I’ve only just discovered what BPD is & have been persevering under fairly trying conditions (e.g. frequent threats to leave, her telling me she hates me & wishes I was dead I think easily over 100 times) for over 9 years.  I thought she was just frustrated that I made her wait to have a kid, but once we did things just got worse.  Even after she threatened to kill me with a knife, the closest it got to physical abuse, as I was eating breakfast one morning with my then 2 year old daughter, I thought maybe we could get through it with counselling.  A year later, not much has changed except now I’m pretty much all out of hope, which has been seriously depressing me for months now.  I’ve repeatedly suggested we separate but she doesn’t want to be stuck as a divorcee in this city & I want to share custody of our daughter.  Do I just move out despite her protests?


Longer version:

Got together with my now wife almost 10 years ago in her country.  I’d already decided to return to my country but was applying for a scholarship to go back & study in her country.  Convinced her to move to my country with me.  Planned on it being temporary but didn’t get the scholarship, then for other reasons we mutually decided not to try to move back to her country

What I realise now we’re red flags started appearing almost as soon as she arrived here.  I clearly remember the first public tantrum - we’d been planning an interstate trip that weekend & she’d discovered something she wanted to go to in a different state instead.  I said I wouldn’t go but she was welcome to on her own dime.  That didn’t go down well, though that tantrum was fairly mild compared to what was to come - only crying & yelling about how I don’t care about her or something along those lines

As she clearly didn’t like it here, I set her a challenge: to get a job & help me pay the visa application fee.  She did, which I from then took to mean she wanted to be here with me, despite how often she would threaten to leave, tell me she hates me or wishes I was dead

The guilt trips started early.  She never let an opportunity pass to tell me how she gave up her life in her country to come here for me.  The best one is when she tells me it was my fault she chose to stay, because instead of her coming initially on a tourist visa, I organised a working holiday visa for her, which allowed her to stay longer.  Now I think maybe that was a mistake, but there still wasn’t anything stopping her from leaving if she wanted to

Anyway, eventually, after years of hearing about her child-bearing years, we had a child & it turns out it wasn’t as easy as she thought it was going to be.  Making things a hell of a lot worse is that our daughter has a genetic condition that, whilst not horribly serious, made the first 10 months of her life way harder than normal for us & extremely stressful for my wife.  It could’ve been her having a breakdown during a hospital visit, smacking her head repeatedly against the floor in the triage station, or her telling the doctor she was thinking about killing herself & our daughter (who was about 6 months old at the time), I’m not sure, but as a result of one or both of those things, two things happened:
1.  She was thrown in an acute psychiatric unit; &,
2.  Child protection were sent to investigate

I’d been concerned about her mental health for a long time before she was pregnant.  She’d rage at me, throwing things around the apartment, blaming me for everything, often ending with a primal scream & crying.  I tried to get her to get counselling for what I just thought of as an anger management problem.  Before our daughter was discharged from the hospital, I told the psychiatrist that I was concerned that she might be predisposed to post-natal depression.  As it developed, I tried to convince her to get help, but she didn’t until it was too late

I liked to think I was a rock for her, that once she got what she wanted (a child) she’d be happy.  Now I’ve been reading stuff on here I wonder how much of that was out of love & how much of it was out of guilt or obligation.  She’s always complaining that I don’t do enough & that she wishes I’d quit my job so I could help around the house, but she’s always also complaining about money, so that’s not gonna work

Anyway, I should finish this.  After months of counselling after she threatened to kill me, she’d stopped telling me she hates me & wishes I was dead, but that may’ve just been been because I’d made it clear I’d walk if she didn’t.  Then she found a new thing to say - “I wish you didn’t come home”.  Even after that I tried, but I think I’ve realised I don’t love her anymore.  If there’s still love there it’s buried under layers of hurt like scar tissue.  I think I’ve finally accepted that it’s not going to get better, that this is who she is, that nothing will ever be good enough, that nothing that I do will ever be enough.  I want my daughter to grow up in a house with adults that love each other.  My wife grew up in a high conflict household & now she thinks that’s normal.  She seems feel that a flat-mate style relationship would be enough.  It’s not for me.  I want to be with someone that loves me & cares for me, try to start another family.  I’m almost 40, but I think I’ve got just enough time

Have been suggesting we separate for almost a year now, since it became obvious she didn’t care about me, after I had an accident.  There’s a cheap place around the corner from our house, only a few minutes away, so it’d be easy to take our daughter back & forward, or to visit if she wants to see the other parent - she’s still only 3.  My wife reacts badly to the idea, though sometimes she seems to see it’s for the best.  If I can’t make it a mutual decision, do I just leave?  I think she’d be open to share parenting

Thanks for reading if you made it this far
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« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2019, 05:00:11 PM »

hi Another_anon, and Welcome

you do sound exhausted, and like you have been for a long time.

let me be the first to tell you that there is hope, in whichever path you choose.

should you choose to separate or divorce, id encourage you to explore the Family Law board. there are experienced members there that can help you navigate what could be a very challenging experience.

how are you holding up? in addition to us, do you have any outside support, whether it be family and friends, or a professional? a strong support system is really critical.
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« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2019, 06:33:14 PM »

Thanks for the response.  I guess I’m OK considering.  I mean, I’m depressed as hell & frustrated, but I imagine that’s par for the course.  I’m not suicidal or anything, it’s just hard to think about anything else, at least in my downtime.  When I’m working or studying it’s fine, as I’m distracted.  I’ve finally told most of my immediate family & some close friends what’s been going on.  I’ve been going to a psychologist for the last 6 months or so, but it hasn’t helped much, to be honest.  I feel like I probably need to take a leap & just move out, in order to make any progress.  I feel sorry for my wife & I care about her, but I don’t want to live like this.  She occasionally says nasty stuff to our daughter too, putting her down, which worries me.  If I had my own place then at least our daughter would have somewhere that she knows is a safe space.  She’s only 3 & wouldn’t be understanding much except the tone, but I imagine it’ll become more important as she learns to understand what my wife’s saying to her

I’d hoped I could get my wife to see that, if we don’t love each other anymore, then separating is for the best, but I think I need to give up on getting her buy in on this & just accept that she’s going to rage about being abandoned.  I assume this is probably fairly common at the leaving stage & I guess I’m hoping to hear from others who’ve gone through it

On the family law front, I’m not in the US.  Are there many from other countries?
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« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2019, 12:06:49 AM »

On the family law front, I’m not in the US.  Are there many from other countries?

yes.

in general, i would not hinge your decision on her. people with traits of BPD have intense, and also fleeting and rapidly changing feelings, are notoriously impulsive, etc. while a response of rage is one possibility, so too, are promises of change and best behaviors. the most important thing is to think through your decision (stay or go), and to have a plan. either way, i would think that with past threats, you would want to involve a safety plan especially. we have one here: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

its good that you have brought your family and friends into things. how did they react?
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« Reply #4 on: April 22, 2019, 06:03:33 PM »

They were all shocked to discover the full extent of what’s been going on.  Some encouraged me to try to work things out with her.  Others (generally those who I’d mentioned bits & pieces to over the years) were more understanding of my feeling that maybe I’ve had enough

It’s the fact that she’s an immigrant that makes it so hard.  I’m her only real support here
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« Reply #5 on: April 23, 2019, 08:23:16 PM »

I realise now I’ve posted this in the wrong section.  I don’t know how it ended up here.  I think I just followed some directions from the registration page.  Anyway, can this be moved to the “conflicted / tolerating it” section, or should I just copy & paste it in there?
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« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2019, 10:20:47 PM »

You'll get better support and strategies on improving your relationship with your wife here.  We get that you are conflicted. Sonce you still live together, it's beneficial for you and your child to explore this if or when you seperate homes.  You will also have to co-parent with her,  together or apart.

Your wife doesn't seem as unstable as she was,  yes? How safe do you feel with the current arrangement,  and is your kid safe? I get that fighting your daughter might hear isn't healthy.
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« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2019, 10:53:14 PM »

That’s right, she’s a bit stabler than she was.  I feel like my daughter & I are safe.  Honestly, I never really felt like we weren’t.  I thought my wife’s threats were just that - threats.  I appreciate that it’s best to err on the side of caution, but yeah..  I certainly feel comfortable around my wife in that regard.  I don’t think she’d hurt me or our daughter

She went away for a long weekend with our daughter & told me this morning that she’d hoped to feel something for me when they got back, but didn’t, so she’s going through another period of agreeing that separation could be for the best.  I guess that’s progress

Honestly I wish I’d found out about this condition & this site a long time ago, while I still had the love left to work on our relationship.  I just don’t really have that anymore..  not for a romantic relationship...  & I don’t think she does either (she’s basically said as much)

Do people who leave relationships like this tend to find that the relationship improves after separation?  I guess I’m kinda hoping that with the pressure of rekindling our romantic relationship removed, we’ll at least be able to co-parent & be closer friends.  Some of the conflict also comes from living together
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« Reply #8 on: April 23, 2019, 11:14:41 PM »

My ex didn't have as severe issues as your wife,  though I did think about calling 911 Christmas eve of 2012. She fought with her mother and stormed out of her parents' house, leaving me with our toddler. She texted,  "bring our son home!" I found her huddled in the bathroom and a kind of suicide note on our computer.  She was pregnant with our daughter.

Excerpt
Some of the conflict also comes from living together

It's cliche,  but familiarity can breed contempt.  My relationship improved after we seperated. Her new husband got it worse than I ever did after they co-habitated.

My ex emigrated to the USA from Mexico at 11. She grew up in a violent home with a father who was a serial cheater (and a beater). That kind of trauma was bad for her. 

The communication tools in Lesson 3 at the top of the board helped me to reduce conflict in the four months she still lived here before she could move out,  at the same time negotiating a custody schedule and stipulation without going to court tough I filed it with the court.  She didn't want a legal agreement inn the beginning.  No way was I going to agree to that. 

So seperated, we get along,  despite the occasional hiccup. 

My ex became a citizen which made things easier as she had a career. 
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Another_anon

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« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2019, 10:58:30 PM »

It’s encouraging to hear things got better for you.  We are barely functioning as a household.  I’m trying to walk away from arguments, but she says I’m cold.  I said I wasn’t originally, but after years under attack from her, that’s the way I am now.  I did tell her back then that every time she threatened to leave it made it harder for me to love her.  I guess she didn’t take it onboard

Sounds like your ex would’ve still had some family & friends around.  My wife has nothing.  She’s found it difficult to make friends.  She just doesn’t reach out to anyone - she expects them to make the effort to communicate & organise to meet.  The consequence is that I’m all she really has here, which my parents think is a major part of the problem, if not *the* problem.  I don’t think they understand the full extent of how she is

Her household doesn’t sound as bad as your ex’s.  Her parents fought physically quite often & her mum slapped her, though I don’t know how often.  She’s told me stories of her sister & her chasing each other around with a knife, which gives an indication of how normalised violence was there, but I don’t think her dad ever hit her

I’m not super worried about the legal stuff.  My main concern on that front is that she’ll run away back to her own country with my daughter.  The legal advice I have on that front is that there’s not much I can do about it in the absence of a specific threat

She has permanent residency here.  She’s been studying to get a career, though occasionally she talks about quitting & just doing some random job like driving for Uber.  I understand that sort of sel-destructive behaviour is fairly common for someone with BPD

Anyway, things have got to the point where I think the pain of moving out is now more appealing than the pain of living together.  I think I’m just going to have to do it despite her protests & will put together a to-do list.  I do feel like I’m acting like a bit of a robot sometimes but it’s the only way I can make any progress.  I’m sick of getting bogged down in conversations that end with her in tears, telling me how hard her life is & how it’s all my fault
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« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2019, 11:06:00 PM »

Does your daughter have a passport?  If not, she will be unable to take her out of the country through an official exit point.

I told my ex she can take the kids to Mexico when they are teenagers. I want them old enough to be able to advocate for themselves. 
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« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2019, 03:02:24 AM »

My daughter has a passport.  I feel weird about telling my wife she can’t take our daughter to her country, cause that’s where her half of the family is.  I want my daughter to know that side of the family but I find it difficult to trust my wife to bring her back, because she hates it here & has asked many times if she could move back to her country permanently with our daughter
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« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2019, 10:11:00 AM »

I believe that the current policy is that a minor child cannot be taken out of the U.S. unless BOTH parents are with the child, or that the accompanying parent has a notarized letter from the other parent granting permission for the child to leave the U.S.

Can you check into that policy? Would it give you some peace of mind?
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« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2019, 06:17:31 PM »

I’m not in the US, but even if I was, I want our daughter to know her mother’s side of the family & their culture.  I just also want her to come back.  I was thinking that maybe if I got her to make some sort of signed statement that the courts in her own country would recognise, saying that our child’s rightful place is here, that might work.  I might see what I can find on the family law section about it
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« Reply #14 on: May 12, 2019, 06:47:17 PM »

So things have progressed a bit.  I found a place to live around the corner & plan to move out within a few weeks.  My wife is understandably upset & wants to go back to her own country.  If things were normal, that’d be fine, but I’m worried that, if she takes our daughter, they won’t come back.  When I told her so, her response was something along the lines of, “well if that happens, you can come & get her”!  Not very reassuring.  However, if she goes alone, it means I have to look after our daughter..  & she wants to go for at least a month!  I have work & uni that I need to attend, but our daughter’s only in childcare 3 days a week.  I feel guilty about saying that’s too long, but I’m not even sure what’s reasonable anymore.  After reading about FOG, I feel like I’ve caved in to her demands a fair bit over the course of our relationship, but is it warranted in this case?  I’ve sought the advice of a lawyer but am still waiting to hear back from them
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« Reply #15 on: May 12, 2019, 08:20:52 PM »

My daughter has a passport.  I feel weird about telling my wife she can’t take our daughter to her country, cause that’s where her half of the family is.  I want my daughter to know that side of the family but I find it difficult to trust my wife to bring her back, because she hates it here & has asked many times if she could move back to her country permanently with our daughter

Sure,  your daughter can travel to see family... as long as you're along for the trip.  I would in no way trust her given what she really has asked to do. 
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« Reply #16 on: May 13, 2019, 12:25:40 AM »

Even without my daughter going, it’s problematic because that means I have to look after her, which impacts my ability to work.  My wife could go for a week when I’ve got our daughter, but that’s not long enough for her
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« Reply #17 on: May 13, 2019, 12:29:55 AM »

Personally, I wouldn't trust this, which is why I told my ex she can take the kids to Mexico (from the USA) when they are teenagers,  not before.
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« Reply #18 on: May 15, 2019, 02:09:52 AM »

So now that I’ve paid the first months rent for my own place, she’s saying maybe we should get marriage counselling.  She was telling me I hate her & that’s why I’m doing this to her.  I told her I don’t hate her, that actually I love & care for her.  It seems that was enough to get her to change her tune, sort of.  I wanted to try marriage counselling again months ago but she said the first time was too traumatic (I assume because she had to face up to the fact that somebody else agreed that the way she’d treated me wasn’t nice).  I didn’t mean I love her & want to stay together.  I’m not sure if she took it that way.  I still think I should move out, because, even if we do get counselling, there’s no guarantee anything will change.  & when I did suggest it months ago, one of the places I called said we should get individual counselling first, which she never did

How often do people find they get back together after they’ve moved out?  I remember reading a thread titled something along the lines of “is the decision to go absolute?”  A lot of people were saying they’d never go back.  The other thing is that she still hasn’t come out & said anything like, “I love you.  Please don’t leave.”  I’ve been reading “Stop Walking on Eggshells” & I’m reminded by some of the descriptions of what “love” is to people with BPD.  I still hope to be loved in the traditional sense.  Is that even possible for people with BPD?
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« Reply #19 on: May 15, 2019, 03:02:38 AM »

One thing that “Stop Walking on Eggshells” says is ask for change.  Is this the point to do that, or do I wait until we’re actually in counselling?
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« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2019, 04:31:32 AM »

Dear Another_anon :
I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you’re dealing with - none of this is easy.  My heart is pounding right now reading through your thread, and please forgive me if I come off as “bossy”.  

There are some things you’ve said which I find somewhat alarming.  Your wife has repeatedly stated for years that she hates your country and now wants to take your daughter to her country. Turkish has wisely highlighted this “danger” to you.  I don’t believe seeking “legal advice” on this point would help right now.  

Rather, I would take your daughter’s Passport away from the home for the time being (maybe place it in safekeeping at a bank) until things settle down.  It just feels too risky right now for your wife to be able to take your little girl out of the country.  If your W wished to visit her country BY HERSELF for a month, see if you can find a way to allow for that to happen.  Perhaps more daycare is available or you can enlist the help of close friends and family.

I get that you want your child to know that side of her family.  That can happen later.  Things are just too unstable now, and I feel that your wife cannot be trusted...unless there is something you’re leaving out here.  But I don’t think so...

Additionally, not only does your dear daughter hear you and your wife fight, but you state that your wife speaks to your child negatively, “putting her down”.  Please believe me, a 3-year old understands that language...it’s more than just the tone of voice.  That’s pretty close to emotional abuse.

I’m sorry...I hope you don’t feel that I’m bombarding you.  That is certainly NOT my intention at all.

What I would ask you to do is take a little pause for a moment, perhaps keep your head, your thoughts where your feet are.  No need to worry about what your relationship may look like in a year.  It feels to me that YOU really need the space that moving round the corner will provide.  To heal some, gather your thoughts, parent your child, AND do therapy (individual and/or marriage).  

You CAN offer hope to your wife and yourself even if you move forward with a “temporary” separate living situation.  Couples do that sometimes.  You can offer it up to her not as an “end of”; but rather as a “beginning of” learning to reconnect.  From your standpoint, you’re not making any romance promises, but you ARE telling the truth.  Some new behaviors need to happen, right?

Please take care of yourself.  And your darling daughter.  Your wife is looking to bargain with you.  Please be careful not to lose yourself and what you need.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #21 on: May 15, 2019, 10:19:01 PM »

Hey Gemsforeyes, thanks for the response.  Don’t worry, I don’t feel like you’re bossy at all.  You’re not the only one saying I should take my daughter’s passports & I’ve been taking them when I leave for work/uni for the day (I intend to leave them in my locker at work, which I’ve done in the past).  I forgot this morning though, as my wife was in such a state, screaming, crying that she wants to die, asking me to kill her, all in front of our daughter.  I tried to ask her not to say that stuff in front of our daughter but she wouldn’t listen.  I got our daughter ready for childcare & left my wife to drive her there.  On the way back she had an accident & called me crying, saying she can’t take it anymore, I can have our daughter, she’s going back to her country.  She’s not injured but  I don’t know what’s going to happen.  I’m going to sign the lease on this new place anyway, then just see how things play out

I should say just quickly that the legal advice I’ve received to date was that taking our daughter’s passports could be seen as “controlling”, but admittedly that advice was just given on the basis of a half hour phone conversation with a free legal aid service.  Also, it seemed like it was only “controlling” if I took them against my wife’s wishes..  & as she doesn’t know it might be OK

Also, I hear you about the emotional abuse.  I tell her to stop when I hear it

Honestly, I think I’m ready to see other people.  I just want to be loved in a “normal” relationship...  but I still want to get counselling, cause I want to share parenting of our daughter, which will require us to have an amicable relationship.  Turkish’s response on that was encouraging
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« Reply #22 on: May 15, 2019, 10:32:11 PM »

Excerpt
On the way back she had an accident & called me crying, saying she can’t take it anymore, I can have our daughter, she’s going back to her country. 

If I were in your shoes,  part of me would think "go!" And me and my daughter would be safe. The other part of me would think that my wife was in serious emotional distress and she's lashing out, but requiring emotional support and validation.  This is a very tough place to be.

The "cut and run" may be an option, but she'd be abandoning her daughter,  which will result in emotional issues down the road for your daughter. But lets not go down a possible future path at this point, yet focus on the now.

Your wife seems to be seeking that which soothes her best at this point. Have any of the validation tools in Lesson 3 on the Bettering Board helped at all to calm your wife?
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« Reply #23 on: May 15, 2019, 11:27:45 PM »

Dear A_a-

I’m sorry today was so tough for you, and your W.  Thank heavens your daughter was not in the car when the accident happened.

Like Turkish, I encourage you to take some time to absorb the validation tools.  You may find that use of these tools, and “SET” (statements of support, empathy, truth) can work to de-escalate outbursts like she had this morning.   You have a child together, and these communication tools will serve you well throughout co-parenting whether you stay together or not.  They are also effective with non-BPD people.  We can rehearse the tools with you here (tho’ others are likely better at that than me).

Would you say that her outbursts and emotional distress are on the rise lately?  And if so, what do you think is driving this behavior?  Can you recall what you said to comfort/calm your W when she called you crying after the accident? 

How would you feel about actually encouraging your W to take a month break and visit her home country (by herself) for some rest and relaxation.  You and your daughter can FaceTime daily, etc while she’s away so she knows you’re thinking of her and you can practice the tools. One idea COULD be that you move your stuff to the new apartment while she’s away.  Perhaps we can discuss these ideas here before you raise any of this with your W.

Regarding your baby’s passport issue and the reference to your being “controlling” when you remove it from the home.  I see the removal of the passport as PROTECTIVE, not controlling.  At this juncture, your W seems pretty emotionally unstable.  That’s not a criticism of her.  I am sad for her and I wish she would recognize she needs help.  PwBPD can be unpredictable and very impulsive in their thoughts and actions. 

In my humble opinion, anything you can do to protect your child takes precedence over what a phone attorney suggests may look like a “controlling” action to keep your child from being taken to a foreign country...where you may or may not be able to retrieve her.  Please take this seriously.

You can have empathy for your wife’s condition and still protect your daughter and yourself.

Finally...it’s okay to be ready for a “normal” relationship, one where YOU feel loved and valued.  Seeing into your future is healthy, however  Now may not be the time to actually look outside of your marriage.  I’m sure you know that, A_a...but you CAN have the love you want.

Day by day.   I’m glad you’re going to sign the lease.  That does not have to MEAN your marriage is over (like I said earlier).

Please take care of yourself and give us your thoughts.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 

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Another_anon

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« Reply #24 on: May 17, 2019, 10:45:35 PM »

Her outbursts have definitely been on the rise since we decided to separate, especially since I found this new place.  It’s understandably stressful for her.  She’s worried about money in particular.  She’s made enquiries about welfare & decided to go on anti-depressants, which is something, but this morning I encouraged her to get help with the underlying cause of her emotional instability - her childhood trauma.  She was receptive, which is encouraging

I couldn’t calm her down immediately after the accident.  She hung up on me

It’d be great if she could go back to her country for a month, but it’ll also be difficult.  I don’t have much support here either (a brother who’s very busy & my parents are interstate) so I’d have to take a break from something to look after our daughter.  I’m thinking about it

Honestly, I think it’s easier to believe that my marriage is over.  The idea that this will continue is unpleasant

If I were in your shoes,  part of me would think "go!" And me and my daughter would be safe. The other part of me would think that my wife was in serious emotional distress and she's lashing out, but requiring emotional support and validation.  This is a very tough place to be.

The "cut and run" may be an option, but she'd be abandoning her daughter,  which will result in emotional issues down the road for your daughter. But lets not go down a possible future path at this point, yet focus on the now.

Your wife seems to be seeking that which soothes her best at this point. Have any of the validation tools in Lesson 3 on the Bettering Board helped at all to calm your wife?
I’ve been reading “Stop Walking on Eggshells”, so I guess I’m using PUVAS.  However, I find it hard not to get defensive.  Also, she finds problems with everything & I struggle not to problem solve.  I’m also never sure when to walk away - sometimes it feels right because we’re not making progress & that’s clear to us both, other times it feels like it would mean I’m not giving her concerns appropriate attention.  Doing so is hard though, when she’s angry
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Turkish
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« Reply #25 on: May 18, 2019, 12:21:59 AM »

Whatever happens,  you're tied together (legally at least) until your daughter turns 18. Calm and Wisemind communication is tough,  especially where you are now in a kind of limbo.  Keep reading and trying.

What have you two worked out regarding custody and time with your kid?
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
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« Reply #26 on: May 18, 2019, 12:38:45 AM »

Don't get tied up in FOG ( Fear- Obligation-Guilt) regarding the passport situation. Protect the choldren, and if there are challenges later. At least the children are with you, and you aren't fighting to get them returned from another country's jurisdiction.

She does not sound stable. Can you support her in having a month with her family, away?

My DH had to do this periodically over his first marriage to a uNPD/BPD -- she would become overwhelmed. Her country of origin is 12,000 miles w ay, and I believe she constantly battled a cultural divide in addition to her personality disorders.
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In yours and my discharge."
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« Reply #27 on: May 25, 2019, 08:13:57 AM »

My goodness. I read this post and it could have been written by me! I hope you and your daughter are doing well. Best wishes
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« Reply #28 on: May 29, 2019, 07:37:47 PM »

Thanks Oz

She assured me this morning that her psychologist diagnosed her with adjustment disorder.  Apparently that can last for more than 6 months if the cause of it remains.  Not so sure about that or whether it is associated with raging..  & my recollection of what she told me at the time was that she was told *maybe* it was adjustment disorder, but anyway, that’s what she says now.  Have emailed the psychologist for confirmation but not sure if I’ll get any

We have a relationship counselling session today.  See how that goes

Whatever happens,  you're tied together (legally at least) until your daughter turns 18. Calm and Wisemind communication is tough,  especially where you are now in a kind of limbo.  Keep reading and trying.

What have you two worked out regarding custody and time with your kid?
It looks like it’s going to be every other week, though even that & choosing a day to do the swap is cause for disagreement

I can deal with being tied to her, but I don’t want to rely on her to meet my needs anymore

Can you support her in having a month with her family, away?
I could potentially take some leave from work to facilitate that, but I’m going to wait until things settle down before I do.  I can only afford to take a week or so off, which might make it possible for her to go for 3 weeks
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