Worried about my child's future

[Wearymom2]

My 28 year old son has never held a job more than a year and has not finished college. He finally agreed to professional help--therapy and medication, but he has the medicaid insurance which has not been as time sensitive as needed. I am paying out of pocket for his care. In line with his BPD, he blames my husband and I for the reason why he did not want to get help earlier when he was on our insurance.

He said that we caused his trauma by kicking him out of the house when he smoked pot on one of his returns from college. Because of the trauma we caused him, he said he did not want help from us. Yet, in my mind, I know he accept financial help from us when he wants.

He is a victim of other ideas in his head as well, which I won't go into. It would be too long of a post. 

I worry that his mental disease is so ingrained now, that I don't know if he will ever hold down a job. I think about setting boundaries as to what I am willing to help him with financially--because he tries to finish school and then he gets anxiety and doesn't. I feel like I am always hopeful that he will change once he gets help.

I want to have faith, but I also want to be realistic. My friend tells me not to use the words "ever" or "never", because they are anxiety ridden words. I know about acceptance and being present, but it still so hard not to want to feel some concrete bits of hope.

He just started taking medication from a regular physician, but is constantly nauseous, tired, anxious... We decided that he needed more specialized care and he went to the psychiatrist today. I'm not allowed to know anything about his medical care because my child likes to control what I know and don't know.

I'm tired. I keep saying I am going to live my life and not his, but I keep taking him back. Maybe I am the problem for him. I plan to go to a codependent support group and I have been seeing a psychologist. 

I can't believe it's been 10 long years of my child's illness and he is only just accepting medication, which hasn't gone well so far. Every time I think an angel has been sent to him to help him move forward, it doesn't work out. I try not to be hopeful because I feel disappointment. I plan to go to a codependent support group. Thank you for listening and any words of hope is appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello WearyMom It sure isn't easy is it? I know what you mean about wanting to have faith but wanting that faith to be realistic. I feel the same way about my DS24xBPD. (dear son, 24, diagnosed with BPD). The truth is he may not ever be able to hold down a 9 to 5 job and, if that is so, I need to accept that and adjust my expectations accordingly. That does not mean he will never have a good life but it does mean he faces real challenges. That said, there are real reasons for hope. He has many strengths. I sense your son also has strengths. He (finally) recognizes he needs help. He is willing to get it. That is huge. What other strengths do you see in him? It is also really great that you are in therapy and preparing to be in a codependent support group. Even if you can't change your son, you can always change you and that can have an enormous impact on your relationship with your son. I see lots of hope in your situation and look forward to hearing more from you as you negotiate this very difficult, yet deeply worthy journey.

[Only Human]

Hi Wearymom2

I join Faith in welcoming you to  bpdfamily, although I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. You found a very supportive group here where we are all walking this journey together, learning how to live our best lives while being supportive of our loved one with BPD. A tall order, I know!

As Faith says, we can't change our kids, but we can change the way we communicate with them and that often has an enormous impact on our relationships. Most of us came here in crisis and many of us have found relief, support, and comfort by posting here and reading and posting in other's threads.  

You talk about boundaries being about what you are willing to do and that's great because when I got here I thought boundaries were about what I expected of my DD25 and what consequences I'd dole out if she didn't meet those expectations :: Sounds like you're ahead of the game there  

He is a victim of other ideas in his head as well, which I won't go into. It would be too long of a post.  

Feel free to share more, as you are comfortable, the text box here holds 16 thousand characters for a very good reason - we know how important it is to get stuff out, it can really help to talk about stuff that's going on; it helps to know others are experiencing/have experienced similar things.

I'm tired. I keep saying I am going to live my life and not his, but I keep taking him back.

Oh, Wearymom, my heart goes out to you. Yes, having a child with BPD/BPD traits is exhausting and we often put our own lives on the back burner. I hope that you're able to do some things you enjoy, self-care is of utmost importance and can help us weather whatever storm comes next  

I plan to go to a codependent support group and I have been seeing a psychologist.

It's great you're getting some support in real life. I hope that  bpdfamily will become another layer of support for you.

Have you had a chance to look around the site? We've got tons of great articles and workshops and, best of all, many other parents who understand better than anyone else can what you're going through.

Since you mentioned boundaries, I'm putting this link here for you to read. Communicate Boundaries and Limits It's a pop-up with a link at the bottom to more information. Here's an excerpt:

It is highly evident that identifying, setting, and maintaining boundaries and limits is important for us and our relationship.
•- Identify what we are willing to accept
•- Identify what goes beyond our limits/boundaries and our sense of self respect
•- Accept that it is ok to say no

Boundaries are how we define our core values to others. A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values - it's like a fence - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.

You say it's been 10 long years, is that when he was diagnosed? What led to the diagnosis?

I hope to hear more from you, Wearymom, and how we can best support you.

Again, welcome to the Family!

~ OH

[Swimmy55]

I agree with what was mentioned .  I am new here myself so I am not sure I can offer meaningful help.  However I see some light here in your post.  1.Is he living with you now?  I know you stated you kicked him out for pot use on a college visit, but was that permanent?   You set a boundary and be proud of yourself for that. 
2. He is willing to take meds / get help.  This is most important.
3. Even though this is unfortunate,  according to the law, he does have the right to not tell you about his medical plan, diagnosis, any of it.  No matter how sick and out of it he is.  I hate this, too.
4. I agree about the years of suffering and how exhausting it is.   CODA is good for any codependency have with our sick kids, but please also know we are grieving as well for a long list of things, top most being feeling the suffering our kid is going through. I haven't read through the information on grief here and don't want to speak out of turn, but in my opinion grieving the living is harder than grieving the dead in some ways.  Looking up grieving here on this site may help as well.  it is good you are also going to therapy as that can help with the grieving as well.

[Only Human]

Swimmy brings up a good point - we are grieving the loss of our hopes and dreams for our children, the loss of the relationship we hoped to have with them.

Here's a link to a workshop on grieving mental illness in a loved one:

9.02 | Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

Workshops are a great way to learn more, to interact with others experiencing similar situations. They are located at the bottom of the main page list of groups. This workshop has not been active in some time but we encourage new posts to get things going again, please disregard the "warning" message you'll get that the thread is not active (sorry, I can't remember exactly what it says).

~ OH

[Swimmy55]

Oh thank you .