How frequent are BPD symptoms? Can a BPD person be normal most of the time?

[DanMR]

My girlfriend exhibits the symptoms of BPD only once and a while.

She is normal 1-2 weeks, and then she has 2-3 days when she almost ignores me, she gets nervous very easily, gets upset for nothing, says mean things to me, etc. Or every couple of weeks she gets upset from small things and she cries a lot, wants to be isolated from me, does not talk etc After the episode, she describes those moments as very “awful” and that she cannot control them.

Can a BPD person be normal a period and express episodes of BPD symptoms just some hours or days?

I think my gf has BPD because of this repetitive episodes and also because of her past: never had stable relationship, dumped ex for little things, she cannot even look in mirror because she says she s ugly etc

She says she never did self harm or suicide attempts, but added that she dreams frequently that “I leave her”, the beginning was very intense and lots of sex... makes me very confused if she has or not BPD (because she does not have all the symptoms, and without those episodes she is kinda normal)

Opinions please?

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[zachira]

What makes BPD so hard to deal with is the symptoms often do not become apparent for a long time, and there is a huge variation in when and how often the symptoms show up. In my experience, people with BPD show their symptoms more with people they are close to, and hide the symptoms with people they are not as close to. As a person with BPD ages, they are usually less able to hide their symptoms from everyone and the symptoms can be more frequent.

[formflier]

The short answer is yes!

It's very good for you to see patterns.  What is going on in the week or so before the "BPD shows up".  Specifically, what's going on in your relationship?  Is she "pulling you closer?"..."pushing you away?"

How do you respond in that week prior?

How do you respond when "BPD shows up?"

I'm glad you've found us.  We can guide you through this.

Best,

FF

[DanMR]

Thank you.

From what I read on internet, me I found that BPD can decrease with age. My gf also I think she had more prononce BPD when she was younger (even told me a "teen crysis" she had, yelling at her parents and brother often).



In the week that she is "normal", she acts nice, she's "pulling me close" by saying nice words, being warm, even making plans about us and our future.

Me I act warm like her, but honestly in my head I am trying not to get attached too much, because I find her too unpredictable.

When she has her BPD epiosdes I am trying to calm her, even tho sometimes i get angry also.

Usually she has her BPD episodes after I get myself a little upset for small things and say to her small reproches (like "why did you told me to buy bread from that place if it's closed?"). She then starts to "change her face", says something mean, maybe even cry and will not talk for even 1 whole day.

In general if we have a dispute, discussion in contradiction etc I get upset for 10-15min, while she gets upset (not talking at all) for several hours even 1-2 days.

When she s like that I try to talk to her, gentle touch her, but she says "let me alone".

If she s not having her episode because of something that I said, she will gradually begin to ignore me thru the day, beggining to be mean for small things till she finds some reasons to get upset.

Without those episodes, her pasts full of unstable relationships and her unpredictability (sometimes she says she wants to be whole her life with me, sometimes she says she s better alone if it s not very intense), she would be a nice person in general.

But like this I honestly try to get "detached" from her and to be prepared for a separation...

[formflier]

 

In the week that she is "normal", she acts nice, she's "pulling me close" by saying nice words, being warm, even making plans about us and our future.

Me I act warm like her, but honestly in my head I am trying not to get attached too much, because I find her too unpredictable.

When she has her BPD epiosdes I am trying to calm her, even tho sometimes i get angry also.

Usually she has her BPD episodes after I get myself a little upset for small things and say to her small reproches (like "why did you told me to buy bread from that place if it's closed?"). She then starts to "change her face", says something mean, maybe even cry and will not talk for even 1 whole day.

In general if we have a dispute, discussion in contradiction etc I get upset for 10-15min, while she gets upset (not talking at all) for several hours even 1-2 days.

When she s like that I try to talk to her, gentle touch her, but she says "let me alone".

If she s not having her episode because of something that I said, she will gradually begin to ignore me thru the day, beggining to be mean for small things till she finds some reasons to get upset.

Without those episodes, her pasts full of unstable relationships and her unpredictability (sometimes she says she wants to be whole her life with me, sometimes she says she s better alone if it s not very intense), she would be a nice person in general.

But like this I honestly try to get "detached" from her and to be prepared for a separation...

So..what she is doing now is generally consistent with what you know of her past..right?  Do I have that right (big picture)?

When she does these things..I'm wondering if you can "stay out of your head" and "stay in your heart".

Approach her from empathy, rather than logic.  I say this because her acting out comes from a place of emotion, NOT thoughtfulness. 

Note:  None of this stuff will "fix" it, much better to consider that it will help "smooth rough waters" so that your relationship doesn't get as off track when she acts out.

What do you think of this advice?

FF

[DanMR]

Thanks you for the advices.

Yes I think that now she's behaving like in her past relationships.

Just that she blames her ex's for "not doing anything with her", getting her upset etc

It's also true that she did not really had serious relationships till now, she says the she "never had luck"... but me I think she had what she wanted, as she never actually searched someting very serious... always saying she never wanted to get married or having kids... and she liked only complicated relationships, with married men, men that lives in other countries, that don't really like her etc

Regarding her "symtoms" and BPD cycles... yesterday she told me all the day how lucky she is with me, how beatiful I am etc, that she's stressed I will go to a mariage without her in 6 months and it s a probability I can found somebody else there etc

And just 2 days ago she was "dissapointed" of me for a very small thing...

Her episodes of BPD become more and more intense and she is even more mean in them...

Are normal those cycles? I tought that when she starts devaluating me it will be all the time like that, but in fact no, for 1-2 weeks again she is very attached to me... and so on

Regarding her past she always dumped her longest relationships ex's... I should be prepared that she'll do the same with me?

Description of her and our relationship:

I make 1yr of relation with my girlfriend.

After just weeks of meeting her she invites me to her house to live together.

She was, and in general is, a nice, shy person, and did plenty for me. But mostly in the last months she presents signs of BD that worries me (changes mood quickly and gets upset plenty hours, she has doubts regarding me and mostly ignores me some days).

Short describtion of her (I tought is was very interesting as I discovered her background!)

- 32 yrs old and says never had long/stable relationship
- very shy, not confortable, very low self esteem even tho she looks good
- very submissive in bed, does everything sexually
- she did not had many ex boyfriends, she had “adventures” but also longer at max 1yr relationship

- she changes mood very quickly, she cries a lot, gets upset for little things and not talk a whole day

- she talks very little with her parents, brother, does not have many friends and does not talk much

- some days she’s very attached to me, some days she ignores me totally and not in the mood to talk

- she had relationships mostly only for sex, not a real relationship; she accepted like that even not too happy as she told me; she’s sad because all the men did not wanted serious relationship with her
 - she dumped some of her ex boyfriends just like that, after she got upset for little things

- she dated even 3 guys in the same time for not serious relationships, not very faithful, sometimes she accepted to go to a men house after 10 min of talking (not directly for sex from first meeting, but to get intimiate, kissing etc)

- sometimes she says she wants even childrens with me, other day when she gets ungry she says she is not made for having a relationship, that she had enough of me and she prefers to be lonely

- she admits that for her in general a relation is good to have only if it is very intense, if not is better to be alone, and that she can leave even after 10yrs of relation if is not intense

(besides that she’s also a good person, she is nice with almost everybody, has good intentions, she did plenty for me, in general she is very ok with me, sex is great)

Just that I think a long serious relation with her is very hard to have, I think she is very unpredictable.

[formflier]

Yes I think that now she's behaving like in her past relationships.

J  and she liked only complicated  (unavailable)relationships, with married men, men that lives in other countries, that don't really like her etc
 

DanMR

Very insightful post. 

What are the implications for you that she is behaving like she did in past relationships?

Would you agree that you can substitute "unavailable" for "complicated".  What does that mean as far as what she is comfortable with?  Is that what she "says" she wants?

FF

[DanMR]

The implications for me that she is behaving like in her past relationships... is that it's making me very suspicious regarding our future together and I am waiting at any moment that she changes her mood or even dump me.

She is normal and warm with me the majority of time, but her unpredictability and her past is making me feeling this way.

Me I think she wanted only unavailable relationships, this because she wants lots of drama and "intensity" in the relationships... she says often that for her a relation is great only when it is very intense like "honeymoon" period...

But she says she didn't searched it on purpose those unavailable relations and that she just had bad luck...

[formflier]

Me I think she wanted only unavailable relationships,

So...how do you make yourself more attractive to her?  Given the above is what she seems to consistently choose.


2nd question.

Given she is behaving like past relationships...what is your part in this? 

FF

[DanMR]

I also was "complicated and unavailable" for her in the beginning, as I was in another relation and an foreigner in her country.

She acts like in her past relationships, but not yet at the point of dumping me.

 Now she is again in a "honeymoon" very gentle period.

I honestly will accept to be dumped just like that, the whole "idealising - devaluation" cycles are very tiring for me...

[once removed]

hi DanMR,

how long have the two of you been together?

[formflier]

So...how do you make yourself more attractive to her?  Given the above is what she seems to consistently choose.

Hey...I don't think you answered this...the "real" answer is likely a bit counter-intuitive.  Can you give it some thought?

Best,

FF

[DanMR]

We have been for 1 year together.

How I get attractive to her now I don't really know... can you help me understand?

The cycles are more clearly now... some days she's ok some days she's very mean without any reason and she gets upset cries says she s not made for relationships etc...

[formflier]

How I get attractive to her now I don't really know... can you help me understand?

 

What kind of guy does she want?  (loaded question, because you will likely ask if you mean what does Jekyl want or what does Hyde want?)

So...back up a bit then.  What kind of guy is attractive to most healthy women?  Figure that out..do that. 

How does that compare to how you are trying to "catch" your pwBPD?

Best,

FF