No Improvement

[BestVersionOfMe]

1. I've been on this site off and on for a few years, but never consistently.
2. I've read 4 books about BPD.
3. Wife is un-diagnosed, but we've had a rock relationship for about 10 years give or take now.
4. Not the heavy drama like in the past but she is more quick to flip the switch these days.  The immaturity seems at a new level that I have not seen before.  She is more unreasonable than ever about a lot of subjects. 
5. She criticizes me a lot and the last time I tried to give her a dose of reality and she has been so unpleasant ever since. 
6. She doesn't work.  I do a ton around the house including making all breakfasts, lunches and dinners for her and our kids. 
7. She is gone a lot on trips with friends and pretty much just doesn't want to be around me much anymore, or the house in general.  At first I used to resent her, but now, it is just a nice break.

At this point I'm feeling like I'm in the  twighlight zone.  Things aren't awful, but they really aren't fair on any level, not that they ever will be.  I just feel like it doesn't matter what I do.  I'm not perfect so mistakes will happen and I just don't have the mental energy to try and improve things at the moment.  Where do I go from here?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

Where do I go from here?

i would start by taking the bull by the horns and being more regular here, mastering, practicing the tools. i think its an essential element in the smoothest of these relationships.

can you give us a better picture of whats going on in your marriage? you mention shes critical and unreasonable. what about? how often?

what are the good/calm times like, assuming there are any? if there are, about how often do they occur?

[BestVersionOfMe]

i would start by taking the bull by the horns and being more regular here, mastering, practicing the tools. i think its an essential element in the smoothest of these relationships.

can you give us a better picture of whats going on in your marriage? you mention shes critical and unreasonable. what about? how often?

what are the good/calm times like, assuming there are any? if there are, about how often do they occur?

Point taken.  I'll spend more time here.  The most recent is about vacation.  Money is a little tighter than this time last year.  I suggested we take a few small weekend trips and stay local most of the summer and pay off debt instead.  She delivered an ultimatum that she won't be staying at home all summer and that she will just take the kids on a vacation without me.  Full blown text tantrum followed by silent treatment.  She pretends that she doesn't know how money, credit cards, or debt works.  She said that if we  set aside money each month then we could afford a big vacation.  I said, "But even if we set aside money each month, it is money we are still spending."  She thought that was "lame" and "stupid" in her words.

[once removed]

are fights about finances common?

[BestVersionOfMe]

Very.  She's a spender and I am not and it is a big problem.  It often turns out with me making her feel stupid because she is child like as it relates to money.  No amount of gentleness in the delivery offsets her reaction to it. 

[once removed]

She's a spender and I am not and it is a big problem.

certainly impulse spending and need for immediate gratification can come with BPD traits. fighting about finances is common between couples in general, and they are certainly no exception here.

the trick is finding a way to get on the same page. easier said than done (if possible), i know. but there are ways, there are plans, there are options that allow her to have a say that is a win/win for both of you.

it sounds to me like there are other problems in terms of the way the two of you relate to each other that may make resolving this one more difficult, right now. it is easier to resolve conflict in times of calm. you have a lot of understandable resentment. so does she. it sounds like your styles (finances, shes a spender and youre not, communication, house hold duties) are clashing, and the two of you are sort of fighting for a foot hold power wise. i think if you work more at the big picture of your relationship, you would have an easier time resolving the financial conflict, or other conflicts. you need that sense of trust and team work.

5. She criticizes me a lot and the last time I tried to give her a dose of reality and she has been so unpleasant ever since.
6. She doesn't work.  I do a ton around the house including making all breakfasts, lunches and dinners for her and our kids. 

why doesnt she work? what happened when you gave her a dose of reality?

[BestVersionOfMe]

She denies reality pretty much.  The reality is that she spends in excess of 1-2 hours per day texting and on social media.  I know this because we were all comparing our screen time on our phones one night and she pulled hers up, I saw it because she was next to me, and she closed it quickly and refused to say to the rest of the group what it was.  Reality is that spends anywhere from 1 hour to as many as 4 hours running or training for some upcoming race.  She  also spends an hour or more with her friends for lunch or volunteering at the school on many days.  I think the only major paradigm shift that might improve things is for her to go back to working which it as been a good 17 years.  That scares her, but she isn't happy as a SAHM.  She isn't good at it, she isn't nurturing, and she doesn't want to give the kids what they need, which is why I step in and do it by leaving work early, which I can do since I run my own company.  I spoke to her friend in private yesterday who is going to encourage her to back back to the work force, and get her resume in place, etc.  There is no purpose for her and so she is soothing herself with running and social media, and going out to lunches and I think it has left her empty and with low or no self esteem within the home or around me.  If she had a career, and made her own money, and had responsibilities, like she had when we got married, I think  she will thrive.