Am I being irresponsible?

[isilme]

I joined a yarn/crochet/knitting club this past spring.  I only get to go every now and then once a week at best, as it is in another city and I need a ride.  H said he was fine with me going, but he obviously was struggling with abandonment over it, and blew up because I was not "saving enough energy for him".  I went on and on and included everything from chores he thinks I'm ignoring art projects he insists I need to do so we can "make money" magically off them, or things like we've not gone a bought a car yet.  He is in some sort of denial about the health issues I am facing, partly because he is so full of his own pain and feelings of poor daily health there is no room for me.  He can't understand how I can enjoy going to sit with low drama people even if it means an hour drive there and an hour drive back - I'm not driving, so that takes a lot of stress off me. 

There is a "yarn fest" of some sort, 2.5 hours away from home, and the knitting ladies are all excited and have invited me to go Saturday.  I am excited to go, but H's moods are making me second guess it.  He has one more specialist trip this week, I am worried that will be unpleasant, and he also has an Xray we need to get and I want to get it tomorrow too since we'll already be out and about. 

We can't really go car shopping until his mom sends us some paperwork and he goes to the courthouse to sign it (they never managed to get together to transfer the title - much of his behavior comes from her).  So, we could not really go car shopping on Saturday anyway, I think, as we plan to trade in both our old cars and downsize to one car - we function as if we only have one as it is.  I will probably try to get most laundry done Friday night, and will take out trash and stuff tonight. 

So am I bad for planning to go with the knitters to an all-day trip out of town, back mid-evening, one where I'm allowed to sleep in the car (the driver knows my health is a mess right now, she goes to the same Dr. has been treated for similar issues)?  Is this a sort of boundary, that I will try to make new friends, and do things that are not H-centric?  I am so codependent I have trouble with this. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

and he's upping the crankiness.  My health does not do well with stress.  I need him to stop making every day so stressful.  I am so tired of it.  And no, there is nowhere for me to go, no other rooms in the house to hide in to avoid him, it's tiny.  I just need him to be less cranky, less negative for like 1 week in a month?  It's wearing me down and now it's showing by me being ill.  Which also makes him mad.  he knows it's being a dick to be mad I'm ill and tired, but he's mad at me for being ill and tired and for "making" him look like a dick about it.

[Harri]

So am I bad for planning to go with the knitters to an all-day trip out of town, back mid-evening, one where I'm allowed to sleep in the car (the driver knows my health is a mess right now, she goes to the same Dr. has been treated for similar issues)?  Is this a sort of boundary, that I will try to make new friends, and do things that are not H-centric?  I am so codependent I have trouble with this.

Hi Isilme.  No, you are not 'bad' for planning a Saturday event with friends.  Yes, it is a boundary (and a form of self-care) that you will have a life outside of the home and away from your husband to do things that enrich you and re-fill your energy supply.

Your husband is going to act badly regardless.  If you don't go he will be difficult.  If you do go he will be difficult.  My thinking is, if he is going to be difficult, I might as well pick the option that has the best potential pay off for me. 

Why  not go and take a step to learning how to set this boundary for yourself?  It is probably going to feel weird and wrong to go, and you may have anxiety and stress... but won't you have that even if you don't go?

[isilme]

I am still planning to go.  I am just so tired of this.  I don't want to be 2.5 hours away, freaking out the whole time for at least 12 hours having to fake having fun when I fear I will come home to an angry husband.  It's bad enough I will need to cart around my ridiculous amounts of medication currently. 

He is mad I have a "club".  He demanded I tell him where his "club" is. 

The thing is, he kinda seems at this time to hate everyone or hates himself so much he can't go make friends.  He has a few places he could make work as outlets, but also his poor health and needs for regular non-fast-food meals makes some of them not work too well.  I understand he is both lonely and bored at home, but he also has such a negative image of himself he is scared to go out. 

He has been in quite the funk for months, little breaking free, and so there are eggshells all over the darn place.  His sense of value is dismissed, and I can't get him to understand he has to be the one to set that value.  He gets involved in projects with other people, but I guess because his boundaries are so bad, he can't be straightforward and state what he needs/expects and then do just that.  Instead, he gets walked over because other people don't know any better and then gets so angry he can't talk to them in a manner that will let them still be friends.   

He needs to stop looking for others to do it for him, and his ideas of what "matters" are always so grandiose - he seems to be on the edge of NPD a bit, with these ideas that he should be recognized for his awesomeness, and yes, when he's completed something he should.  But has a reputation of not finishing things.  I may take a long time (kinda busy doing my stuff, chores, work, and all he won't do), but I finish them.  Like, anything less than making himself a household name for awesomeness makes him believe his life is a waste of time. 

He is mourning us not having kids, and I think he is finally facing the fact his dragging his feet to adulting and to the altar are the main factor there.  And I am so tired of hearing how we don't have kids so life is a waste with no one to pass things on to be they possessions or knowledge.  Sorry - I came to terms with that 10 years ago, back when that biological clock was saying now or never - why are you so behind?  I can't find much pity when I know I'd have happily had his kids if he could find a way to simply be happy, ever, and if he'd not waited till we were 39 years old to get married - I was not going to have kids out of wedlock, that's a tradition in my FOO I don't want to carry forward. 

We have real things that need time to save up and time to fix, and fixing them is going to be inconvenient.  I want the house leveled.  Parts of the floor will likely need replacing and/or plumbing may need some work.  I don't think we can live there while this happens, as we only have one bathroom and that is where the most concern lies, and I can't leave the cats running free while it happens, so I am going to need time saved up off work plus money (or knowledge on how much insurance can assist).  It's one of those things I'd have sucked up and done if I lived alone, but having to deal with him, his complaints about the costs, plus holes in my floor, I can't do it. 

Buying a car - I am soo dreading this.  The only other car I've bought was pretty much just for me because I was close to leaving him.  He balked at it.  I think I got him to come test drive things and he agreed it drove well, but he was angry when the cost came up in discussion, refused to drive me to go buy it, just balked at all stages.  I had to do it alone.  I'm used to that in life, but it really sucks.  It's not like the story "footprints" where Jesus carries you so you only see one set of footprints in the sand.  I simply get left alone to just deal. 

Replace the AC - same as the others.  I wanted to suck it down and do it a few years ago.  He refused.  So I need to save up time and money to get it done and pray it doesn't crater before I can do it. 

I plan to go on Saturday, I just don't want to come home to a moody H or have a terrible Sunday. 

[Harri]

Hi.  Ummm, Isilme, he will be angry when you get home.  He would be angry if you stayed home.

You are well versed in how he will react and you certainly have a lot of stressors.  Let's not talk about him though.

I am wondering how well versed you are in what you need?  Getting away Saturday is a huge thing for you and it is going to feel uncomfortable.  So when you are away and then when you get home and the next day how can you shift the narrative in your head to something like:  Yep, he is angry but Saturday was totally worth it to me and I am going to do this again.  Over time, I will get used to it and will be able to enjoy it.

[isilme]

Harri,

He will be placated if I am home, I am a security blanket.  I know the good boundary is to go, but moments like right now, after a decent evening turning into me being yelled at for his headset breaking and trying to tell him I’m not sure if I hear sound out of the side with me bad half deaf ear, I get called daffy  and accused of lying because I am a woman who all lie.  Somehow asking if electrical tape would help a loose wire is lying to him that it’s working.  It all makes no sense, but to him it does.  I am so tired.  The medication is helping a little, but I feel I just can’t get a break, and so I question if a sleepless weekend really is worth it, coming home tired from a long day in a car and at an event, to be yelled at for 36 more hours before getting to work.   

[isilme]

Things always feel better after some sleep. I think his nerves at this next MD appointment are a big issue, and of course, the bear in the trap has to snap at the hand trying to help it. 

I don't think I can back out well for this Saturday - they have made changes to the driving arrangements to get me included.  Dropping out would be very rude.  I will just be on edge, and so will he, until I go and come back. 

I am hoping the news today is promising, it's not a wasted trip, and that getting it done plus the back x-ray makes him feel I am committed to helping him.  I'm not holding my breath, I know BPD makes such things "bare minimum" in their eyes. 

[Harri]

Hi. 

I am glad you will go on Saturday and I hope that you will be mostly able to enjoy it.. even if you have to work real hard to do so!

How did things go today?

[isilme]

Harri,

I think yesterday went well, even with having to use a car with no AC to drive in almost 90 degrees an hour both ways as well as in town to get to the locations we needed. 

The first doc gave him what I thought was good news, it took a while for him to hear it is good news.  I guess it's good I do make it with him to these appointments because his first meeting with this doc he went alone and he described him as abrupt, and rude... I thought the doc was nice, a little ADHD but not rude.  We know to increase a supplement, that a medication h was afraid of won't hurt him so maybe now he will use it, and that his worries can improve.

We also were able to get to one of the imaging locations nearby so he could get his back xrayed, so we can learn if his chronic pain is as bad as it is because of something more than "just" diabetic neuropathy. 

We stopped to pick up a new headset for him, and he asked if I needed to run into the craft store enxt door for anyhting for my trip Saturday... and did not refer to it negatively.  We had a nice dinner and went home, and the evening was not bad.

He even drove us to work today (it's a whole 5 minutes, but still) so I could be dropped off at my building and not walk 4 blocks in the rain.    That is almost unheard of, him offering to drive int he morning... or in bad weather.  I am going to lay out my stuff tonight so I can be ready before 7:30 to be picked up.

[I Am Redeemed]

That's so encouraging, isilme! 

Perhaps your h will adjust to you having an outside interest, and it will do both of you some good to get out from under each other for a bit. Even the best relationships can be strained by having no "me time".

Maybe some of his anxiety has been alleviated by the positive doctor visit?

It's really good that he asked you if you need anything for your trip!

[isilme]

It's always so easy, looking back, to see what was influencing the outbursts.  Yes, it was the upcoming MD visit.

I am still working to return to some sort of baseline after being so ill for several months, I am not as mentally agile as I was.  Also, it seems MCAS/D seems to include mood issues as one of the possible symptoms.  The mast cells exist throughout your body, and can contribute to depression, anxiety, and brain fog, so there ya go, I HAVE been impaired for a while, making me less able to be better dealing with BPD. 

I am still going to be a little worried, but not as much as I felt earlier this week.