Mod Note: part 1 of this thread is here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336165.0;allGood morning!
First I just want to thank everyone who has taken the time to reply to my situation. All of the responses have touched my heart in the warm and welcoming way you are all here to help. It makes me feel not so "alone" in all of this.
So much good advice. At this point, my son still doesn't seem to "get it." By that I mean, I would like to see him doing two major things now, which those of you who replied have also brought up: 1) Seek legal counsel, and 2) See a therapist.
He did speak to someone on the phone who is a legal advisor through his company; however, it sounded very limited and not a whole lot of help. He told my husband the jest of the conversation and it mainly centered around giving him a contact who is closer in proximity to where he lives (this may be a central number and they direct people to legal help closer to them), and child support calculations, which he told my son the worse case scenario for him to pay would be $158.00. My son makes a little more than $50,000/annually and I find this really hard to believe that this is all he would have to pay. He also told all of this to my husband who is hard of hearing unfortunately.
Knowing what he knows about her lack of mothering and inability to show affection or attention to the children, it boggles my mind how child custody is not in the front and forefront of his mind. Right now there is just the same "verbal" agreement I spoke of before between them saying they would share 50/50 custody and not go to court, just keep it an understanding between them. Well since April 16, night of breakup, he has had both kids 90% of the time. Her reasoning is she cannot get into her apartment until May 1 and is staying with her girlfriend, so that is why her daughter is still staying with my son. She says she is staying with her girlfriend who has a young boy that her daughter and him and have played together for years; yet she says she cannot take the little girl with her. Why? No explanation and my son accepts it because he says he "just wants to keep the peace."
So here we are on May 3rd. She had said earlier on that this would be the first night the kids would be able to stay with her so she could have time to assemble their beds. Whoops! She forgot, they can't stay tonight because it is her best friend's bachelorette party! How would she not have know this date all along? She is the maid of honor so she would have been the one preparing it - I have already seen things around the house that she was at least a part of preparing the party for her.
Tomorrow my son has a work event from 10:00 am to 12:00 p.m he would like to attend and asked her if she would take their son (our grandson) tomorrow so he could attend. (Her daughter is at her dad's for the weekend). She didn't give him an answer at first - just ignored him. Then she finally answered yes, and as soon as he gets home, she will be returning him back to my son.
Does this scenario look to anyone like it is 50/50, or is it just me? I don't know why my son would even agree to a 50/50 type of situation because he has witnessed all of my son's life what "mothering skills" she has. Why put your child through this?
She has moved things out though not completely yet. He is so ready to replace pictures and get rid of the pain of seeing bare walls, he went out yesterday and purchased some so he doesn't want to feel the pain so pain with the visibility of her absence. I'm thinking instead of buying replacement pictures, shouldn't you be saving for a good attorney.
I'm thinking that I am getting so angry at his lax attitude about his child that perhaps I need to step back and stop trying to help. I know that everyone has to go through loss at their own pace, just like grief. However, when an innocent child is involved, I think you need to somehow put that first and foremost in your mind and quit allowing all the manipulation and control to continue?
So, time to step back for mom? I have the book on Splitting sitting right here next to me ready to give him. I have been documenting everything that has been going on with dates and times. I am on this forum for myself as well as him for help. What more can I do? My fear is he is going to wait long enough to where he finds himself in court by her and she will get full custody, just as what happened the first time. The only way she survived having full custody of her daughter all of these years is because she found a "built in babysitter" in my son when the little girl turned 4 months old. Now what will live be like for these poor kids?
