Help, advice, connection

[CallingAceso]

I've been married to my SOfor 5 years, we have a two year old daughter. I have two sons who are also in this situation. My husband hasn't always been this way but now that I've started realizing what's going on and what won't change I feel like he really always has been this way. He is constantly angry, the smallest things set him off. He gets irrate and feels it's a personal attack when the kids don't do their chores, of half do them. He got irrate this morning when he couldn't find the baby medicine seringe he left on the counter. I pulled it out from the drawer where it belongs which made him even more angry. I no longer feel sexually attracted to him, I feel more like his mother trying to teach him how to behave. I constantly have to watch him when we are in public to prevent anything from going outside of what he expects so I can try to prevent a meltdown. I'm exhausted! If we did not have a chile together I would absolutely leave, but at the same time sometimes I get glimpses of the man I know he could be, but I know he will never be able to maintain. He smokes marijuana constantly, it's the only way he's tolerable. He can't hold down a job. The thought of family outings makes me a nervous wreck. I have no friends because no one can stand him. I know I should leave, but how? I don't want to traumatize our daughter but I know he isn't helping with her development either. I'm so lost, confused, broken, sick. I did kick him out 6 months ago and he thretened suicide and since he has nothing he would have been homeless. I couldn't stand the thought of him being homeless or wanting to kill himself. I let him come home. I know I'm strong but I can't find my strength. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I've given him books, tons to read and listen too. He says "I'm working on changing, I will change". But he doesn't. I could probably ramble for hours. Help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi CallingAceso, and

you do sound exhausted.

im glad you reached out, and i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family here. experts will tell you that a strong support system is critical.

it sounds like theres some of that lacking in your life, so its no wonder youre feeling lost. have you been able to confide or lean on family? do you have, or are you able to get, additional help from a therapist?

[Cloudy Days]

You relationship sounds similar to me several years ago, The pot is what he is using to calm himself and I'm sorry that just isn't the best solution because you can't be high all the time. My husband got to the point where he would get incredibly abusive if he didn't have pot. You can't control what is going to set him off, at some point something will always set him off. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is incredibly exausting. Learning about trauma bonds has kind of helped me. Do what you think is best for your daughter. If he isn't going to take the responsibility of making your home safe for her then you need to. I always struggled with leaving because my husband is disabled and I felt he couldn't take care of himself if I left, he didn't work so I could never have time to collect my things and leave. Just make sure you aren't focusing your energy on trying to change him because he isn't going to change. But you can change how you respond. Unfortunately my husband became so abusvie I called the cops on him and I am done this time. He isolated me as much as he could so please try to keep support around you. I know it can be difficult.

[Hopeandjoy]

having a child together is a big change to your r/s and the 2-yo is starting to individuate. it sounds like your SOs behavior has escalated and you're feeling over-burdened. You can change how you respond to the behavior, and you can focus more on yourself to drop some of the responsibilities that aren't really yours.