19 yo adopted daughter-Attachment issues morphed into BPD traits

[PeaceMom]

I’m new here, but have done lots of research on this topic. We have a 19 yo daughter that we adopted internationally at 1 1/2 yrs. Life has always been tough as she was always emotionally unregulated.-Like a grape with no skin! She is currently in a psych ward for suicidal threats that cops couldn’t ignore. (4th time in 4 yrs). She’s been diagnosed with depression, situational anxiety. But her symptoms look a lot like BPD. Last year she discharged from psych ward and we did PHP and IOP that were total DBT based. Unfortunately, she promptly quit using all those skills. Being unregulated feels comfortable and normal to her so being calm, healthy and regulated feel wrong or off to her. She has put us thru hell and is verbally abusive, brings dangerous people around our home, hooks up on social media, is sexually promiscuous, has been fired from 7 jobs, she is working her 8th job parttime and pays her cell phone bill, she got a car loan and pays that, but doesn’t take care of herself or her health. We are a vibrant, healthy, energetic family. As I read thru these posts, i’m Left wondering -how do you kick out your 19 yr old who struggles keeping a job and might struggle living alone? Do you pay their rent? Do you sign their apartment lease? Her weekly unreal drama can no longer be tolerated here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi PeaceMom

I'm so sorry you had to find us but I'm glad you did - you've come to the right place for support as you navigate this intense relationship with your daughter. 

It sounds like you've really been through a lot with your daughter, my heart goes out to you. You will find many others here who have experienced, are experiencing, similar situations - you are not alone.

Do you have any support in the real world? Many of us find working with a therapist (T) who has experience with BPD very helpful.

I'm short on time and must run, but I wanted to welcome you and tell you things can improve - we've lots of tools and articles that are helping many of us work toward more peace in our lives.

I'm sure others will be along shortly, hang in there!

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Peace Mom
I join OH in welcoming you here and expressing empathy for the reason you are. My husband and I wrestle with similar questions. At this point our DS24XPWBPD does not live with us. After dropping out of college due mostly to anxiety he moved back home with us where he stayed for 3 years along with his then gf. It was OK in the beginning but spun out of control as his drug use (massive amounts of cannabis and other drugs) increased. Once he started selling weed illegally we had to throw him out. Now he blames us for ruining his life by doing so. Still there is no doubt in my mind this was the right choice. Others here have adult children who do live with them. Perhaps they will weigh in concerning the reasons for their choices. Whatever you decide we are with you.