The day of "next steps" discussion has arrived - need some help

[ForeverDad]

I hope to have 50/50 custody. My primary goal with my child is to have much stronger bond and show her how life outside craziness looks like. It's very hard for me to predict her reaction to the divorce. Her nature of going to the extreme ends makes me think I should predict the worst.

Negotiations often work with "give a little, get a little".  When dealing with a stubborn and entitled parent it is more like "give a lot, get little or nothing".  How does that impact your 50/50 hopes?  Yes, equal time is "fair" and what you hope to walk out with but is that all you request as you begin the court process?

• Courts are typically willing to default to joint custody, however, beware since mothers are often defaulted to Primary Parent
• If you seek only 50/50 and mother seeks majority or virtually all time, there is risk the court will see a middle ground in between where you walk out with the common alternate weekends.

What I'm thinking is that Father would do well to also ask for what he feels would really and truly fix the problem long term... .  "Your Honor, I believe that our family circumstances require me to become the custodial parent, Residential Parent for school Purposes and Primary Parent with majority parenting schedule.  Failing having custody, I believe that having Decision Making or Tie Breaker status with equal time would at least improve the current state of parenting and our children's welfare.  Mother has demonstrated over time that she is unwilling to cooperate and share, something I can do as a reasonable involved parent.  I am concerned that half-measures will be insufficient and the time spent on minor changes will continue enabling the other parent to further sabotage the relationship of the children with their Father... ."  Of course, long term solutions aren't handled in an ex parte filing but there shouldn't be any harm including it, though we're not lawyers here.

What that does is let the judge know father is not one willing to be a token father, he is stepping forward.  Also, it presents to court that if the court's usual minimal changes don't work, then father will again return to court to state what would work and again ask for real solutions, not patches on an order that's not working.

My lawyer once explained to me one reason why courts are reluctant to make big changes to an order, "Courts don't want to upset the children."  My response was, "What if NOT making big changes will upset the children?"

[Toad17]

Sorry to be a party pooper. I think it’s important to give you a balanced view of the outcomes and avoid cheerleading. In some circumstances life will be better for you and for your daughter, for some life won’t be better, especially not for your daughter. As confusing as it is for you as an adult to comprehend your Ws behaviours, think what damage it does to a young mind... if you can’t comprehend what that looks like then read some posts on the children of parents with BPD board. Similarly read more posts here for what coparenting and divorce process looks like.

If D is the route you wish to take, don’t go looking for a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow you’ve painted.

Enabler

Hi Enabler. Thanks for sharing a different outcome. If it was not for my daughter, I would have ended the relationship 3 years ago with a blink of an eye. It's hard to survive a high emotional roller coaster and when you only care about yourself, you won't think twice to jump out of it. Everything I'm weighing in right now and all the pros and cons I'm doing is because of the young mind and the trauma she has to go through. I have been reading books and talking to therapists over several sessions on just this topic. This trauma might as well create another young BPD, which is my biggest fear. So I'm definitely not painting a rainbow and I know the storm is going to get worst and the scars will be permanent. If I need to chose a long life with my daughter with strong bond versus she growing up alone without a dad after few years (because the stress will definitely beat me to death, like a slow poison), I would chose the former option. We think we can take stress and "somehow" survive. Science clearly says how lifespan significantly goes down when you are under heavy stress. Evolution has coded this in our system - flight, fight or freeze. It's not about happy ending, it's about surviving.

[Enabler]

Great work Toad, you’re all over this.

[ForeverDad]

It has been observed many times here that there is no 'perfect' answer.  There is no 'perfect' time to separate and create your own home apart from the disordered parent to provide your children stability and consistency

It is a combination of trade-offs and assorted decisions.  In general, our collective experience here in peer support has been that when we step forward as parents seeking our children's interests for their long term futures, the outcomes are better for them, better than if we didn't.

My ex was able to have custody and majority time during our two year divorce.  I was able to get Shared Parenting and equal time in the final decree.  Two years later I was seeking custody.  In that action a Guardian ad Litem (GAL, children's attorney) was appointed.  I recall her telling me, "Because of you, your child will be okay."

Yes, things probably will never be 'perfect' while a disordered parent is always there creating more problems than children usually experience, but our presence as informed, educated, empowered and determined parents is monumental.  It can — and will — make the difference.

[flourdust]

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