I feel guilty

[Annie60]

Hi,

Code:
What type of relationship are you in?
My 18 year old son has BPD traits as well as depression. Was recently diagnosed while an inpatient for depression. He denies he has BPD although if I check off the symptoms, he has more than 5.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
No one else has BPD but depression on both sides and my sister is schizophrenic and has been hospitalized off and on since her teens, she is now 62.
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 Strongest quality...negotiating for what he wants, can be funny when he feeling better, wants to help people
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 Lack of motivation, anxiety, can’t seem to get started but doesn’t want professional help (dbt or therapy) he wants so desperately to have friends and a girfriend but hasn’t been able to make any connections with his peers.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 He knows how to push my buttons so there is a lot of ‘loud voices’ in our house. He has no respect for his father and me and has told us so on many occasions. Calls us names and thinks nothing of it. Won’t listen to any suggestions we make. We’ve had him in therapy off and on for ODD and ADHD which was his original diagnosis and because he wasn’t able to overcome his social anxiety and depression he blames us. Therapy didn’t help and he would quickly drop out. BPD was never mentioned until a few months ago. He withdrew from his first year in college right before he went into the hospital. Now we can’t seem to get him out of bed to do anything. He will make half hearted attempts (talking about a part time job or community college) but as soon as the process gets detailed or time consuming...it’s not worth the effort and he drops it.
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 Diagnosed while in the hospital.
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
Slight depression because I struggle w not being able to help him. Guilt because we are supposed to be in our retirement chapter and our 18 year old is now living with us again when he was supposed to be in college. Guilt because maybe my defective genetics or the way he was raised led to this. Frustration because he won’t get the help he needs and I don’t have the answers and can’t seem to give him the help he wants,

 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 Son want go, tried over the years but always quit after weeks or months. I have also gone when I felt I needed it. Starting w a new therapist next week.
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To see how others cope with similar challenges, what has worked, what doesn’t work. How to remain positive.
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE
 Logged

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Annie
Welcome to the group! I am glad to meet you and sorry for what brings you here. You have come to the right place for help and support. Thanks for taking the time to answer all those questions so we can start to get to know you. Since you mention guilt let me say this is NOT your fault. You frankly may never know the exact cause since the combination of genetics and environment is so complex. You are obviously a very loving parent or you wouldn't be here. While you can't change your son (has to be his choice) you can learn lots of skills here that will improve your relationship with him. You are not alone. Do you have a therapist of your own? Lots of us do including me. My son (24 diagnosed BPD) refuses therapy but that doesn't mean I can't get all the help I want and need. I build layers of support for myself that include therapy, this group, church, friends, my husband etc. How do you take care of yourself?

[Huat]

Hi Annie60

More than happy to join FaithHopeLove in welcoming you here.  I echo what she has had to say.

The heading to your post...."I feel guilty"...drew me right away.  In dealing with my daughter's BPD behaviours over the years, can say that many times I have felt that way, too.  I know, though, that if I allow the guilt to take over, I lose my momentum in dealing constructiverly with the reality of our situation.

I know in my heart that... I tried the best I could...when I knew better...I did better...and I will continue to do so.  You, too?

There are many factors that have gone into molding these difficult people who share in our lives...nature/nuture.  What works with one of our children may not work with another.

I am glad you found us, Annie60.  There is so much to learn in how to better deal with those who suffer from and exhibit BPD behaviours and what better way to learn than from this forum.  Any story that is told here has someone nodding their head...someone to reach out and tell you that you are not alone...someone who is willing to tell you what has worked or not worked with them.

Hope you keep sharing with us...share what is happening on the home front with your son.   For me, just putting my fingers on the keyboard and pouring out my heart and my hurts has been so therapeutic.

Huat

[Seekinghelp25]

Hi Annie60,

I am new here as well, joined just a few days ago.
Your DS sounds very similar to mine.
Just like to let you know you are not alone. 

-Seekinghelp25

[Swimmy55]

Ditto to what everyone else said in the previous posts, Annie.  I am struggling with guilt as well.  Continue reading and sharing here, it will help.  Look at the readings under "Tools "and "Tips" as well.  Welcome.

[DriftlessRider]

Your story sounds familiar Annie. My DD21 has not made the transition to college or to work. Here BPD, depression and anxiety has been too much for her.

That guilt ... I know what you mean. My job was to get her transitioned to adulthood, and that hasn't happened. I still have thoughts of "maybe she's just lazy" and I want to yell "get a job" at her frequently. Doesn't make me feel great at failing at the first, and not dealing better with the present. And could I have been a better parent?

But, those aren't helpful thoughts, and they only really creep in when I'm down and/or tired. The truth is, it is a disease. And sometimes you have sick family that need your help, so you help them with love. There is no fault in getting cancer, and there is no fault in mental illness.

It's a long road, and it sounds like you haven't been on it long? I don't know, I'm probably 3 years in, and it's early still I know. We keep working it, and loving as much as we can.

I am lucky that my daughter is invested in her own care, and I feel like wife and I are her partners in this in many ways. There is a bit of a blessing in that. Perhaps your son is trying to figure out what it means to be mentally ill himself. Perhaps he doesn't want to acknowledge that because it would bring a sense of failure to himself? Helping him accept being sick and accepting professional help is a wonderful step.