Still feeling guilt after divorce from BPD individual

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Quick background: I have been separated from my BPD ex for just over a year and divorced for a few months. We were married for 14 years and have a 12 year old daughter. I knew it was a horrible situation while I was in it, but I am still learning more and more how it has affected me and my daughter mentally as time goes on. What I am asking for is help in  understanding some of those mental affects. Example: I am dating someone now who intimately knows my ex. My ex has reached out to me for money as he is in a bind (he uses drugs, is not good with money, etc). I told my boyfriend about our conversation and said "I told him that I would not lend him money. But I have to be honest, it was really hard to say no. I felt guilty saying no." My boyfriend told me he just can't understand how I could possibly feel guilty after all he has done to me and my daughter. I told him that I don't understand it either, he just still has that affect on me/control over me. I welcome any insight on this. Thank you.

[QSuzie3324]

Quick background: I have been separated from my BPD ex for just over a year and divorced for a few months. We were married for 14 years and have a 12 year old daughter. I knew it was a horrible situation while I was in it, but I am still learning more and more how it has affected me and my daughter mentally as time goes on. What I am asking for is help in  understanding some of those mental affects. Example: I am dating someone now who intimately knows my ex. My ex has reached out to me for money as he is in a bind (he uses drugs, is not good with money, etc). I told my boyfriend about our conversation and said "I told him that I would not lend him money. But I have to be honest, it was really hard to say no. I felt guilty saying no." My boyfriend told me he just can't understand how I could possibly feel guilty after all he has done to me and my daughter. I told him that I don't understand it either, he just still has that affect on me/control over me. I welcome any insight on this. Thank you.

[Beneck]

Hey QSuzie3324! Hello there and welcome to the family! 

From what I've seen from my personal experience, as well as reading others' stories here, people like us who get romantically involved with people with BPD are more likely to be what some refer to as codependents.

Basically, for whatever reason, we grew up assuming and learning a rescuer role. People with BPD, willingly or not, are very good at taking advantage of that. I think it's safe to say that people with BPD can be manipulative, but out of fear and poor emotion regulation skills, rather than malice.

Regardless, that fact that you put yourself first is great, despite of any feelings of guilt. You are doing well to examine the emotions this person causes in you, but make sure to explore your feelings without judgement and to accept them as they are. Emotions alone do not dictate our actions, after all ;)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Qsuzie, Here's what I wrote in another post:

    I suspect that many of us initially became entangled in a BPD r/s out of a sense that, in some fashion, we were "helping" the pwBPD, which feels noble and fosters our attraction to the pwBPD.  Yet now I view helping a pwBPD as unhealthy, if not dangerous, for a Non with codependent tendencies.  Once caught up in the helping dynamic, we leave ourselves open to manipulation through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  We may assume personal responsibility for the welfare of the pwBPD, which involves sacrificing our own needs for those of the pwBPD as well as putting up with some form of abuse.  It gets crazy.

These days, I think that those w/BPD don't need our help, not really, and that on some fundamental level they would rather not be saved.

Maybe you can find some applicability to your situation?

LuckyJim

[once removed]

hi QSuzie3324, and

you were married for 14 years, and you have a daughter together. theres a very long, and i imagine complex history between the two of you. so it makes all the sense in the world to me that you would have a sense of obligation and guilt about not loaning your ex money.

it might help to explore some of your history here...how did things end? how is your daughter holding up?

[Adastra]

I understand because I'm in a similar position - separated for two years, divorced for one year. We have an 8 yo and 3 yo together. He recently asked me for money and I said no even though it was hard. I'm back on this board because he's currently splitting (triggered by my holding a boundary over giving  him money and asking him not to hang out in my house when I'm not there). I will always feel tied to  him because I can't let go of a hope that he'll be healthy some day, for the sake of our children if nothing else. I have found therapy incredibly helpful in examining my grief, guilt, and shame - I hope you have someone who can fill that role for you. Hang in there - it's important to be as strong and healthy as possible for your child, and giving power to guilt won't help with that!

[Mutt]

Hi QSuzie3324,



I'd like to join the others and welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm glad that you have found us!

My boyfriend told me he just can't understand how I could possibly feel guilty after all he has done to me and my daughter.

I'm sure that you're bf is a wonderful person and I agree with once removed you were married for 14 years it's going to take time to put all of that history behind you. You were close to each other and you helped him out. I also agree with Beneck a pwBPD need someone to take care of them and they can illicit feelings of guilt.

Anyways that statement  is almost like a "get over it" statement, everyone is different, some people are more introspective while others move quickly through life and are not comfortable being still with their thoughts. My point is what works for one person may not work for the next it's not one size fits all.

Many of us here go no contact or minimal contact for a period so that we can detach from our pwBPD and heal from the experience so that when we hear from our pwBPD it doesn't have the same intensity or zero intensity when we hear about them. I'd like to propose this to you, this is something that I do with my ex, I don't share anything personal with her, I just focus on the topic of the kids, if anything falls outside of those bounds I don't respond back.

Maybe think about focusing on just the topic of your 8 and 3 year old and if he asks about how it's going with your new bf or asks to borrow money - it's not a topic that  you'll discuss. You have already told him that you won't lend him money you could explain to him that you're only going to talk about the kids. I assume that your divorce is finalized - do you have legal matters to settle between the two of you? Eventually you'll feel less bad each time until eventually its  not even a thing any more.

You might find this board interesting as well when it comes to coparenting https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

How is co-parenting going by the way?

[otherlife]

Hi QSuzzie 3324
I still feel guilty after 19 months, I have not found any anger in me, I accept what is and I am getting stronger every day.  I also feel compassion because I have the skills to learn and grow sadly most BPD do not and make the same mistakes again.  I never recognised BPD whilst in the relationship it was only after it ended that I found this site and started to put the pieces together.  Perhaps that's part of my guilt - that I never was able to use the skills on this site to communicate accordingly.