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Author Topic: Back again and my heart hurts  (Read 404 times)
Jillery
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: May 09, 2019, 11:29:06 AM »

Hi Friends,

Some of you may remember me from a few months ago.  I was after an unexpected, ghosting of a breakup after a 2 yr relationship.   After not hearing from him for 6 weeks, my wishes came true.  He texted me apologetically and said all the words I wanted to hear.  Despite having been on this board often, researching the heck out of BPD, continuing to see my T, it took me all of about 5 mins to reply to him and jump right back in.  But I was different this time around.  My eyes were opened but my heart couldn't let go.  I stopped posting here because I was embarassed and ashamed to admit that I fell right back in.  I did admit it to my T who was graciously non-judgmental.  While my ex said everything I wanted him to say, his actions proved very different.  We talked everyday, but there was always an excuse as to why we couldn't see each other often.  I finally got fed up and told him I was frustrated.  Which for me, is a big step.  Telling him any negative feelings at all continued to be very hard for me.  He told me "it is what it is" to let him know when I was done being mad and to have a good day.  That was the final straw for me.  I couldn't kid myself any longer and just decided not to reply at all.  About 4 grueling days went by. until he texted saying he was done and gone, that he didn't play head games and that I was being ridiculous.  I sent a few texts explaining myself but he replied with "Goodbye, Jillery" to which I did not reply.  That was the last message, just over 3 weeks ago. 

The first 2 weeks were better than this one for some reason.  At first I felt relieved and strong.  Now, not so much.  I continue to see my T, exercise daily, spend time with friends, read every self-help book I can get my hands on, but this week I feel like there's a lead weight in my chest.  I miss him, or rather, I miss the illusion of him.  I can't listen to music because every song reminds me of him.  Everything reminds me of him.  It sounds silly, and I laugh when I tell my T this, but other than the pathological lying, he was the perfect guy for me.     I had been single for so long before him and was used to it.  Even thought it was a lie, what I thought I had with him was what I had been waiting so long for.  I want those feelings back.  I want that love back. 

That's where I'm at now.  Thanks for reading and I'm sorry for disappearing.

Jillery
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zachira
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« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2019, 11:42:43 AM »

No need to apologize. It often takes time to have the inner strength to leave a relationship for good. When we are in an unhealthy relationship, there is usually a steady deterioration in self esteem which makes it hard to leave because our partner treats us badly. You are doing everything you can to build a stronger sense of self which takes a lot of courage. Keep up the good work and keep us posted on how you are doing! We are here to celebrate the good things that happen as well as to support you when things are not going so well.
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I Am Redeemed
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2019, 11:56:33 AM »

Welcome back, Jillery, and I understand the embarrassment you feel for getting back into the relationship. I did the same thing, several times, and I still feel embarrassed to admit that I didn't get out sooner. This community and my therapist are the only ones who get it and pass no judgement.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I think it is key, though, that you realize that you miss the illusion instead of the reality. It's a strange feeling to start identifying what you are actually grieving, which are the hopes and dreams of a future with someone. It is very deflating and crushing to have those hopes lifted up and then flashed to pieces.

I'm glad you were able to voice your concerns about the relationship to him, even if he didn't respond the way you hoped. It shows that you are willing to advocate for yourself instead of accepting poor treatment from another. Choosing to enforce a boundary of this kind sometimes means that the relationship must end, but you stayed true to your values, that's something to be proud of.

I'm glad you are still in therapy, and that your T is understanding and supportive. Again, many of us here went through several recycles, so no judgement here, just compassion and support.

Your emotions will likely fluctuate. Six months NC, and I still have days where I feel more down instead of up. The intensity has lessened considerably, though. You won't feel like this forever, there is hope.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed
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Jillery
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Posts: 80


« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2019, 12:35:03 PM »

Thank you, both for your very kind words.  I do wonder if/when I'll hear from him again and if I do, if I'll have any strength at all to not reply.  Half of me is dying to hear from him, but the other half is hoping I never do, so I can truly move on from this.
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WindofChange
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« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2019, 01:09:24 PM »

Hi Jillery. I'd like to echo the others and say don't feel bad or ashamed or anything like that. Most if not all of us have recycled at least once. I know it's hard for you. I feel the same way you do in that I miss the illusion of my ex. I grieve the dreams and hopes I held on to for so long of what it could be like, what I wanted so much for it to be like. It's good that you realize that it's an illusion vs. the reality.
You say you're wondering if he will contact you again. Have you thought about blocking him so he can't? Then the anxiety might lessen for you. What do you think?
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Be kind always.
WindofChange
Jillery
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« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2019, 01:48:52 PM »

Good point, Winds.  I suppose I'm not ready to take that step yet.  But I had to chuckle that I haven't even considered that.  I block telemarketers all day long, but never thought to block him.  Oh how our minds work when love is on the table. 
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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2019, 05:43:49 PM »

Oh how our minds work when love is on the table.  

Have you thought about what advice you would give to a friend that was in in the same place as you are in now? You can exercise the same rights as you would give to someone else.

What I mean is give yourself adequate time and space to regroup and mend your wounds from this breakup. A pwBPD can take up o much of your attention that you lose sight of your own needs. He doesn’t have the capacity to think about how his actions may affect you, that’s something that you have to give yourself.

A lot of space and time away from a pwBPD will help with anxiety. You have to untangle yourself from your ex pwBPD.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
JNChell
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Relationship status: Dissolved
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« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2019, 08:42:35 PM »

Hi, Jillery. I’m sorry for what you’re feeling. I went through the same thing. Over and over. I share a child with her.

it took me all of about 5 mins to reply to him and jump right back in.

Yep. There’s something mysterious about letting certain people back into our lives. I’ve learned a lot about this through therapy and the PSI (parent, sibling, inlaw) board.

I stopped posting here because I was embarassed and ashamed to admit that I fell right back in.

I understand. The thing is, is that you came back. We’re glad that you did. It’s best to stick with a place like this.

The first 2 weeks were beneficial for me too. I think it was a decompression. After that, I really started to miss S4’s mom.

  I miss him, or rather, I miss the illusion of him.

Maybe what you’re missing is a feeling. Not him, necessarily. I may be projecting a bit, we all do, but what parts of the relationship do you miss? We can find these “parts” again with others.

The illusion. I struggled with that a lot. I didn’t know the mother of my child. I never will because she doesn’t know who she is.

We’re at different places in letting go and trying to heal. I get the reminders. I know how it feels and I’m sorry that you’re feeling that pain. It will ease off and you’ll start feeling better. Time plays a part in this, but with work, you can heal. Right now, take it slow.

« Last Edit: May 10, 2019, 08:51:02 PM by JNChell » Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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Jillery
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« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2019, 11:41:37 AM »

Thank you JNChell and Mutt, for the reminders that it's ok to take this slow and that my ex has no capacity to see how his actions affect me.  Once again, this board is proving to be so helpful as I try to work through all this pain.  Thank you all, so much.
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JNChell
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Relationship status: Dissolved
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« Reply #9 on: May 13, 2019, 06:50:36 PM »

We’re glad that you came back. As I said, this community will be more of a benefit for you if you stick with us and not just engage when there is a crisis or problem. Your participation means a lot and helps your fellow members.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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WindofChange
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
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« Reply #10 on: May 13, 2019, 08:53:54 PM »

Jillery, I felt embarrassed also when I had to come back and admit that after the work I did last summer and all my talk of having my mind made up about it being over...that I went back to him after two months, and stayed many more. Now I'm just over a week out from this breakup, and I'm determined that this is it. 
These relationships are very traumatic and intense.  It's no easy task to try to disentangle yourself. JNChell and Mutt have been through it and have good advice. Keep in contact, even if you end up going back again. Like they said, don't fall away. Whether it's on this board or one of the others, there are so many supportive people who can help. I'm glad you're finding this to be a helpful and encouraging place again. 
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Be kind always.
WindofChange
Jillery
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« Reply #11 on: May 14, 2019, 06:32:21 AM »

Thank you, JNChell.  Sometimes I forget that my story and thoughts might actually help others.  Though, it certainly helps me to read what others are going through.

Wind, just one week out is excruciating.  I feel your pain so much.  Today is month since he told me goodbye and it's easier in some respects, but harder in many others.  I had my T last night and told her how I keep having this urge to hop on the dating sites and find something/someone to distract my thoughts.  I go on, look around, then delete myself.  It's so weird.  She reminded me that instead of dating right now, this can be my time to heal and focus on me.  I am soon to be an empty nester and for the first time in many years, I can have the "luxury" of not worrying about anyone else but me.  I can find my passions, my interests that live outside of any romantic or parenting relationship.  My T used the word "luxury" and I liked that.  It initally felt like so much loss, but she got me to turn it around into something positive.  Or to at least start thinking about it in a positive light.
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otherlife

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« Reply #12 on: May 14, 2019, 07:33:25 AM »

Hi Jillery
Sorry to hear that things have not worked out and you are in so much pain.  It does get better, I am 18 months out still grieving but getting stronger every day.  Your urge to go on dating sites caught my eye, I have not had that urge but i have met many women who not only have that urge but actually follow through.  many of these women have come out of normal break ups ( for want of a better term) but the thing that stands out is the need to be needed.  I understand that need but thats why I dont act on it, at the moment I need to heal me and focus on me, I spent years trying to fix my ex, trying not to trigger him etc etc so now its time for me.  Time for me to find out who I am, what I want out of life.  I still dont know but I do know there is no going back and what helped me is the correlation of BPD traits in some of my thoughts initially after the break up - eg need to be needed, not good enough, making wrong choices.  These are all normal thoughts after any break up but for me because of the recycles, behavior etc I realised it was not a healthy relationship so my healing would take longer and required me to to question my actions and focus on my needs.  Thats not to say I still dont ruminate, I do constantly but I followed some of the BPD skills, the first being I RADICALLY ACCEPT this relationship was not healthy.  Yes I still swing back and forth but eventually come back to the acceptance, I dont want to live in a dream I want a life of truth, honesty and respect so on I go alone.  That may be forever for me, who knows what the future holds.  As for many of the other women I have met many are still chasing a new partner via internet and many found that partner only weeks after their breakups.  Some of them are now facing another break up because it didnt last, some are living in regret, maybe some are happy I dont know.  I do know how I was swept of my feet by my ex and how fast our 'romance' blossomed into marriage and I certainly know I will tread lightly next time if there is one, but only when I am ready.   I will be ready when I am free of pain, rumination and know myself better.  These are all the things a BPD fails to consider.  I am certainly not saying either you or I have BPD but they act via fear and panic and a need to fill an emotional hole, after coming out of a BPD relationship dont we feel like that so these actions are part of the fight or flight syndrome but we have the capacity to learn and grow , sadly many many of them dont ever.  In short I agree with your T take this time as a luxury to spend time on you.  There is an old saying only fools rush in, I know that you know all this but just wanted to reiterate that many of us nons feel it too.  Take each day, put one foot in front of the other and each day you will get stronger in your belief that you can have the life you deserve.   
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Jillery
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« Reply #13 on: May 14, 2019, 11:07:43 AM »

Thank you for your thoughtful and kind words, otherlife.  It helps so much.

I will be ready when I am free of pain, rumination and know myself better.  These are all the things a BPD fails to consider.

This explains so perfectly what I need to keep in mind.  Thank you for summarizing it so well.

 
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